I'm angry, frustrated, and resentful. Father-in-law moved in few months ago and it's been a nightmare. What do I do?
I was taking care of my mother in her home after a major back surgery when my husband called me saying that his father showed up wanting a place to stay. He had left his wife of over 30 years because he was tired of her telling him what to do. Once my mother was released from her doctor, I was then able to go home. FIL didn't know what medications he was taking, he didn't even know his doctors names or address. His insurance on his truck lapsed and he owed 1,000s of dollars to people "borrowing" money. He is a Type 2 diabetic, COPD (still smokes), congestive heart failure and heart disease (aren't these the same)? My husband spent hours going through a grocery sack full of bottles to get his medications correct. He made an appointment with his primary and went with him. In the meantime, I come home from work and he has his used needles dumped out on my kitchen table looking for a couple of good ones to re-use. Another time I come home and he's sitting in the recliner in his tighty-whities with blood running down his arm and all in the chair and on my hardwood floor. He told me the show was good and it will wipe right up. During the day he goes to the store and buys 3lb bags of candy, pop and goes to fast food places. I have changed our grocery list completely to accommodate his diabetes and cook heart/ diabetic healthy meals for him and it's just a slap in my face. He saw a commercial on TV about "free" coverage and he called and cancelled his supplemental insurance and signed up for this other insurance that doesn't hardly cover anything, nor is his primary and cardiologist in the network or a decent hospital.
There's so much more. This last week he ended up in the hospital as he was bleeding internally from the warfarin he was taking and had 0 iron levels. He came home last night. He called his other son, my husbands brother, to come get him - he left AMA. Why? Because my husband was smoking a brisket and he wanted some. I'm beyond mad, angry, frustrated in regards to his selfishness. He never should have "left".... he doesn't have a penny to his name so we are having to foot bills for him now, we aren't medical caregivers and are not home a lot. My husband works two jobs and I work 60 hrs or more a week AND run a furniture refinishing business on the side also. FIL said this morning, he was up all night, couldn't breathe and didn't feel well. I told him he never should have left the hospital AMA and that we have to work, I guess if you feel that bad, call an ambulance to take you back to the hospital. What you are doing is selfish. I left........... I'm a horrible person. I don't even want to go home, my husband doesn't know what to do and legally, he is still married so any help that he could be entitled too and/or qualify for he doesn't because they look at both incomes. He only gets his SS. I'm afraid he will never leave.
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Your FIL didn't "move in"; he is squatting at your house. He showed up feeling like he had every right in the world to stay there. And expected you to house, feed, and take care of him. Like he's some pitiful orphan. Sadly, he's gotten what he wants. Of course he won't leave; he's living the good life with you two!
If your husband thinks doing an ER dump or facility or sending him back to his wife is "cruel"... then he does not understand that the real cruelty here is to let him decline while he trashes your home, takes your money, and ruins your marriage.
I'd guess your checking accounts and such are joint. But you may need to create your own account. If your husband wants to throw away money on his father, he can do that with his own earnings.
The fact that your husband won't stand up to him and defend you and your home is disturbing. What is he afraid of? It sounds like the FIL will get upset at anything besides you two devoting your lives to him. If he's always been this selfish, I can't imagine he was a great parent to you husband. If so, he may be hoping this is a chance to get the father/son relationship he never got, a means to heal old wounds. It won't happen, but it's hard to convince people otherwise.
Yes you could go stay with your mom for awhile, but that doesn't fix the problem. Your leaving wouldn't bother FIL in the least. You shouldn't have to leave at all! It's YOUR home. If your husband just won't get him out, then they need to get an apartment somewhere. If he wants to accommodate his father this much, he can do that. Just not in your house.
If you add up food, utilities and I am sure cleaning, cooking and other odds and ends it is fair.
Remember that no matter how evil this woman is, your FIL chose her and has stayed with her until he felt like he wasn't getting his own way. Be careful making her the bad guy, he was a partner in whatever happened, regardless of the sob story you are getting now. He benefits greatly from you believing that he was an innocent victim of these people. I promise you he was not.
You are not a horrible person. This stuff is more than anyone can really deal with.
I agree he will probably be back in the hospital ASAP. Make sure your hubby is the ONE person that can visit him and be there to find out what is really going on and tell the staff that he is not safe in your home. You guys are at work so many hours and he can not be left alone. They will help find a placement. Since he's still married, their money will be used for his care if he goes to a nursing home.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just live fine until a certain age and then die peacefully in our sleep when our time is up? OK, coming back out of fairy tale land to the cold harsh reality of aging which is all too often a very difficult and challenging situation for all involved.
I would run away to my mom's! Though, not sure how much of a break that would be! Hubby needs to step up to the plate and give some tough love and remember that YOUR marriage is the primary focus for the two of you. You are under no obligation to take care of anyone else.
APS is Adult Protective Services. If he left AMA and the hospital thinks he is still in danger (Warfarin stays in your body for a long time, 20-60 hours) and it is unknown right now if he is back within normal limits.
If he falls and hits his head, he can end up with a serious brain bleed.
This guy needs MUCH more care than you or your family can give him.
Has you husband talked to the hospital today?
They can be your ally in this; don't feel bad about saying that you are unable to get him to comply with his medical care and that he clearly needs the State to step in as his guardian.
And now he is having trouble breathing when he lies down?
Has anyone considered calling 911?
Warfarin does not leave the system immediately. The last time my husband's went up too high (it is supposed to be between 2 and 3 and he tests for it EVERY week) he was in the hospital for 3 days on vitamin K, meals that included LOTS of greens and no warfarin. A blood tranfusion was strongly considered but not done because it could damage his artificial heart valve (that's why he is on Warfarin--does FIL have a replacement valve?)
This is all starting to sound like a medical emergency to me. Can you find out what his last INR was, at least?
I wouldn't be surprised if APS showed up at your door.
I do not know. I just found out this morning that he left AMA... I didn't handle any of his hospital care. His INR reading when he went to the hospital was 7.3 - needless to say dangerous level. They ran a CT scan and found more bleeding in his stomach area. They did an endoscopy and corrected the small tears. He had rectal bleeding they said because his stools were black. He was given several units of blood, plasma and also iron because his reading was 0 the doctor told my husband. That was on Friday evening. I have no idea what his readings were yesterday. Yes, discharge paperwork discontinued the use of Warfarin.
To be honest, and Alva can back me up if I am right or wrong, (she is an RN) that with all FILs health problems, he will not live much longer.
CHF is the heart muscle not working anymore. It can't pump the blood thru the body effectively. Meaning oxygen doesn't get thru the body either. This could effect his mind. Then you have uncontrolled diabetes. This effects the organs of the body especially the heart which is already compromised and the mind. I would not be surprised if his kidneys are failing too. I would get some labs done to see where his levels are including hemoglobin. This helps the oxygen get thru the body too. But then I guess that was all done at the hospital?
Do not pay his medical bills. You are not responsible for his debts.
Sorry you are going thru this.
So you have to have him in your home, wrecking it, because he doesn't like that he is being asked to pay his own way?
You see how wrong that is, right?
So how much money are you willing to pay so he doesn't have to?
You can start charging him rent and making him clean up after himself as a start to showing him what being a responsible adult looks like.
Your husband is really okay with him wrecking your house again?
He is non-compliant (doesn't like his wife telling him what to do [like take his meds, eat a diet that reduces his dependence on insulin, use clean needles]) and is going to kill himself living without supervision (which you cannot provide).
Unless your husband is going to quit his job and stay home to care for dad, this isn't going to work. Because dad NEEDS MORE CARE. The way to get him that care is to take him back to the ER and tell them that you cannot care for him.
It is by no means cruel. It is getting this frail old man what he needs.
Fortunately they are sending home health, I was taking my dad weekly and I fought tooth and nail for in home service.
Your FIL is entitled to at least half of his SS. I would inform the person taking care of Mom that its needed to help pay for his meds, etc. His check comes in his name, hers in hers.
This called triangulation. I am sure that they are both users, but right now he is using you and THAT is what you need to deal with.
Either he goes back to the hospital or he goes back to his wife. There are no other choices for him.
With your intro and this post, you tell us he is likely suffering dementia, and he is not making good choices.
You say he can't go to nursing home because that would take the financial assets of he and his wife, but that isn't true. A lawyer will have to be sought for him and wife to divide assets. Then he will be placed, his assets going to his care until he requires medicare.
This is what happens when there are no children with a door to knock on to say "I am moving in".
With non compliance with medical care and blood thinners on board (as a nurse I saw more death from side effects of blood thinners than any other medications) this may be self limiting. In any case it will end with another hospitalization.
When that happens I recommend the "ER Dump" as it's called; you tell a social worker you will not allow him back in your home and he needs placement, and she goes to work; it is the social worker's job to do this; he or she will be good at it, and will work with this man's wife to get guardianship by her or by the State if she and you don't choose to do it; if you do choose to do it know that he will be non compliant throughout.
This is going to destroy your marriage. It will be sacrificed, and in the end your husband will not be able to care for his father in any case and your FIL will receive no quality care.
You would do well to move in with Mom now for a while, as BarbBrooklyn suggests; she could likely use the extra care as well. Let your husband on his own that this is not doable.
I am so sorry for all involved here, but if life were as easy as knocking on the door and saying "Here I am; I am moving in " then a lot of us would have very full houses.
Alva, the man has no assets except a 1980's old truck and the clothes on is back. That's it. As far as the lawyer - I asked FIL if he had a lawyer to start the divorce and he said: I'm not getting no da... lawyer, those cost money, we're just spiting bills up and moving on. I told him then, that doesn't work. Legally you are still responsible for things she does and vice versa. He has a 7th grade education. He doesn't understand at all.
Yes, blood thinners are the devil and the doctor at the hospital couldn't figure out from his medical history why he was even on him. FIL doesn't know - he just said, I've got thick blood. Who knows, but he was having a GI bleed, rectal bleed and had wounds on his arms from tears that were horrible for me to stop from bleeding. They took him off of it. Home health is to be coming out once a week to check his NRI.
Or stay with a friend. Or at a hotel. Just go.
CHF and heart disease, not the same, can cause dementia symptoms over time. As can untreated diabetes. Which your FIL is exhibiting many symptoms of having dementia. This will not get better, so your husband must act now.
You guys can not care more than he does about his health and quite frankly, I wouldn't change my eating habits to accommodate him. He obviously doesn't eat right when he is making his own choices, so why should you be worried. I dealt with this with my dad, if I cooked he had all kinds of restrictions, similar health issues, but we would go out to eat and he was eating everything that he should not be eating and would actually gripe about and not eat at my home. It is a form of manipulation.
Sorry, long story for just encouraging you and your husband to get him out of the house and back to his own. You can always both start nagging him mercilessly and then he will leave on his own. 😉
You are not horrible for how you feel. I don't know anyone that wouldn't feel the same way.