This man is getting on my last nerve. I have taken care of him for 7 years. He takes away time and money from my young children and I need him to move out. He refuses. How do I get him to cooperate and how do I get his other children (besides my husband, he has a daughter and son that do nothing for him) to help take care of this dying man? I’m done.
Yes, FIL CAN decline moving to Assisted Living.
But also, YOU can decline to house, feed & do chores for him.
He is free to leave, live somewhere & hire assistance for all his needs instead.
7 years care was a GIFT.
The NEW gift is to help him find & relocate to a new address.
FIL does have choices. But choosing a Son to house you & DIL to continue to be your caregiver is not within his power.
I joined this group because I thought I could share experiences on how to make caregiving easier - like alternating pressure relieving mattress ($80) or government programs that will help pay for help at home, or truly absorbent ‘sleep through night’ diapers.
Instead, most just want to know how to get relative out of their life.
You bet I pat self on back for slogging through another day so tired I can barely move. But I CAN move and the 2 relatives I care for can not. When I feel sorry for me I switch to thinking about what life is like inside their bodies and their minds. Compassion soon returns.
There is no greater reward for me than to create a situation that allows them a brief respite of smiling or laughing. They can forget for a moment their confusion, pain, disability, incontinence, loneliness, and hopeless future and enjoy, for a moment, what life they still have.
Those of you who think that is “throwing my life away” God help your selfish narcissistic soul.
I cannot make someone compassionate by means of online post. We reap what we sow. And God help many of you when you are old, demented, lonely because your friends have all died and terrified trying to navigate life with a broken mind and broken body.
Many DO want help with pressure receiving mattresses or adult incontinence wear etc. It's great to share tips & knowledge on those threads.
But for some it is time to reassess the whole plan & find another one. A better plan that works for all of the people in the plan.
Some are really at the end of their rope. If you want to help those folk, ask what they need. (What THEY need will be different of course to what you need.)
I know how hard caregiving is. On year 12 caring for relatives. But when my days on earth are done, I can say I made the choice to care for family. My choice was to honor their contribution to my life regardless if they were only a sperm donor.
The American way is “me first”. My choice was to show them mercy and grace.
Those of you who want to turn family members over to the horror of American nursing homes or assisted living, check your soul.
He, with a diagnosis of dementia no longer gets the final word in where he lives if it is a matter of safety.
His physical safety as well as your physical and mental safety.
Who has the legal authority to place him in Memory Care? If your husband is then this is a discussion that you have to have with him. If the persons holding legal authority are one of his other children then dad should move in with them so that they can care for him if they do not want him in Memory Care.
Geaton777 is right. Contact the Department of Social Services in your state and ask for an in-home assessment. Let them know how many times he's fallen too.
They will place him in a care facility. Against his will if necessary if there is no one else willing to take him in and care for him.
Even if he doesn't have dementia or been diagnosed with it, he's an at-risk, handicapped, non-thriving adult about to be homeless that cannot live alone or care for himself.
The state will find placement for him and will place him against his will if they have to for his own good.
Lower down in this post you say he doesn't have dementia. How do you know? Has he ever had the cognitive/memory test from his doctor? You assessing him won't be accurate. If he's never been tested it's your husband's job to get him in to see his primary doctor for this test. If he has trouble getting him to go, come back to this post and you will get advice on how to use a "therapeutic fib" to get this done.
Next, is anyone his PoA? If not and he refuses to assign one, this is where the meeting with the social worker comes more into play: they will tell him how the county will pursue guardianship when an elder needs someone to make decisions in their best interests but hasn't created their own PoA. The law demands there be a legally assigned person to do so. It will either be a PoA of his choosing or the county. There is no 3rd choice. The family won't be able to afford pursuing guardianship themselves because it costs about $10K to do so. Not to mention the mental and emotional strain it puts on his children. The county as legal guardian will call ALL the shots, not the children. He will go into a county NH, etc. Maybe this will persuade him (if he doesn't have dementia).
If someone is his PoA, this person needs to review the document to see what is required in order to activate the power (usually one or two medical diagnosis of "incapacity").
If he does get diagnosed as having cognitive impairment without him creating a PoA you can wait for his next fall and at the hospital make sure the staff knows he would be an "unsafe discharge". Assuming he goes to rehab the social workers can hopefully get him directly into a facility. Make sure other family knows to NOT pick him up and return him to your home. If you get desperate you can officially evict him (which feels horrible but may be necessary to wake up the other siblings). FYI the hospital will put the screws to you to take him back home, promising to provide help (no, they won't they just need him to be gone from the hospital -- been there, done that).
Please provide more info: has he ever been given a cognitive test recently? Does he have a PoA? This info will help us to help you move this mess forward.
Take him to the ER the next time he falls. Insist on an admission. Insist that case management and/or social services place him in a long term facility that he qualifies for.
This is what my frequent faller relative does too but I long since backed out. (Has been told living alone is not enough but does not want change).
A bad fall will be the game-changer.
Maybe the OP is in that club too? Yet as FIL lives in, if they ask him to move out, he needs to.
May take some tough talk from son to father to get the ball rolling.
When they get old, get them out of the way. Too much trouble.
Remember you are showing YOUR children how to help you in your old age.
Hmmm.
Well now. You have (quite rightly) nudged certain caregiving tasks across to your husband, and state that as a consequence reality is slowly beginning to dawn on him.
Now five falls. Your husband (not you) is primary caregiver. Does it occur to your husband that if he persists in housing a vulnerable elder he and his wife are not able to support safely, he is edging uncomfortably close to neglect?
In social care circles, we workers must not overstep our competence boundaries (it is the cardinal sin). Take a leaf out of that book and you must refuse all involvement in:
nursing tasks
moving and handling tasks
medications administration
falls risk assessment and management
There is nothing hard-nosed or manipulative about this. Refusing involvement in tasks for which you are not trained or equipped is the RIGHT thing to do, in your FIL's best interests. It should very rapidly become clear that FIL cannot be cared for at home, and your husband - not you - must arrange alternative provision.
Don't you "try to get him to co-operate," take care that you don't. This is your husband's father and it is your husband's duty to make and carry out decisions in his father's best interests.
No in-home caregiver resists doing anything that you've listed if it needs to be done and they are competent to do it. When I say competent, I mean they possess knowledge of the task at hand and have experience in correctly performing such task. The client can't always wait for a nurse visit to be coordinated to give them their medications when they need to have them. Or if they need a dressing changed and can't wait.
On my last position, my client got put on hospice (which was totally unnecessary because she graduated out of it and lived another 3.5 years). Part of their job was to make sure the place was supplied because I was no longer "allowed" to shop for the client even though I was private help because they insisted a CNA be there at all times.
The client ran out of diapers and the Boost drinks she practically lived on. No doing without. I had a neighbor come and sit with her while I went down the street to get them. The nurse came and had a conniption because it's their job and they did order these things. Only we had none. She was promptly put in her place by me. I asked if she was going to change the bed ten times a day because there was no diapers. Or what she'd be feeding the client because there was no shakes. I even handed her the phone and told her to call APS. I demanded it. She never did. I assessed that having diapers for the totally incontinent client and the only food source she would actually eat was more important than humoring their ridiculous protocols.
An adult with an ounce of common sense can assess fall risks and management. They can also read the directions on a medication and fill a weekly pill dispenser too. It doesn't take an expert to see danger in a home with a handicapped person living in it
that hasn't been remodeled to accommodate their needs. A person who falls all the time can be considered handicapped. People can figure this out on their own. It's not harboring on neglect if a family doesn't have a nurse, a CNA, a physical therapist, an occupational therapist, a social worker, and a pharmacist on staff in their home if the elder is receiving adequate care in that home. This is why Medicare and Medicaid are nearly bankrupt.
Many families are leery about nurses, social workers, PT, etc... coming into their house and not without good reason. Many in these professions get bonuses when they can refer an elderly person to a care facility. They will find a fault with the home and the care in it even when there is none to really speak of. Like a doorway in some part of the house it too narrow so the elder isn't safe. Or the house may be clean but shabby. The furniture is old and the place needs to be painted, so the elder isn't safe.
I've seen this happen often over 25 years in the homecare field. It goes on.
You should not be spending any of your money on his care. That should ALL be on him. And if he doesn't have the money, he can apply(with your help)for Medicaid. Then he needs to be placed in the appropriate facility.
It's really not fair to you or your children to have to live under such stress, so next time he falls, call 911 and have him taken to the ER. Then make sure they know that he CANNOT return back to your home. It will be at that point that the hospital social worker will have to find a facility that will take him.
I wish you the very best in getting him out of your home.
Starting today, FIL pays rent, utilities, food, cleaning help and travel expenses for trips to medical appointments.
Draw up a rental agreement and have it looked over by a lawyer, or at least notarized.
Give him the dignity of paying his own way.
If he and DH won't agree to that, take yourself on a vacation, even if that only means staying with friends or family for 2 weeks.
Or is there something about relatives rental being different?
Just curious, I know you are on financial forums, so wondering if a new law has been enacted or something? Thank you.
If he doesn't have $, then the only options you have are to continue what you are doing but you will build up so much frustration, anger, resentment and bitterness that it will negatively affect your marriage and your relationship with your children, not to mention impact your health and well-being. If you husband doesn't want to step up to the responsibilities that are truly his to take on, then only choice you have left is to either stop doing or move either the fil (but you probably can't since you are not official 'family' or designated poa)...or yourself/kids leave. But the current environment you are in is toxic to you.
That is good that you set down some boundaries. Make some more!
What are his finances? Can he afford an AL? Does your H have POA/HCPOA?
I don't think you can get others to take care of this man. To my mind, they are the ones who made the right decision. They are taking care of themselves and their families. Your husband (I am assuming) chose to take your FIL in. You do not tell us if he suffers from dementia; if he DOES your husband can now place him in care. If he does not, it would be difficult to place someone this week on eviction notice and watch him fall in his own apartment.
I always advise people not to take the elders into their own home. Their families will suffer greatly for this sacrifice and it is no longer unusual for our elders to live well into their 90s with good care. They become more and more week and take more and more resources from the family; resources that should go to the children and their education, and to saving for your OWN old age so that you are not the burden on your children that your father-in-law has become.
I would say that you may have a husband problem here as much as a FIL problem. You and your husband may need to see a counselor to mediate and negotiate what the future will look like for your family, so that you can then make your OWN decisions for yourself and your children based on the outcome of that.
I am so sorry for the suffering for you all. Seven years is to my mind more than enough. As to the magical thinking that there is going to be relief from other family members, I think that is only going to bring you more disappointment; you know full well after 7 years what to expect from that quarter.
Regardless, you shouldn’t be the one taking care of him. Your husband should be the caretaker. I hate how so many daughters-in-law are stuck with this job!