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He may need to be on an anti-depressant. I know many hate to hear that, but if he is showing signs of mental decline and suicidal rants, he may need it. If he can no longer safely drive, you have made the right decision to take his keys. It's not fair to the rest of the public to put them at risk.
With that being said, he needs to know what alternatives are in place. If he needs to go to the store or the doctor or visit a friend, how will he get there? let him know that he can call someone to get a ride somewhere and it also allows family to spend more time with him. Point that out. It's all in how you spin it.
Forgot to mention that we had moms doctor administer a simulated driving test which she failed twice! The doctor pointed out that during the simulation, her response time to brake for a child running into the street was unacceptable and point blank asked her if she could live with herself if she killed a child because she wanted to drive when she really shouldn't be.
I also contacted the BMV and told them that my mother had been diagnosed with dementia and that they should test her. They sent mom a letter asking her to come in for a driving and written exam. She no longer knew where the BMV was so it solved itself.
I'd call his bluff, but watch him if he continues. As CG's we have to make the hard choices and it stinks.
Using the suicide threat is VERY effective (I know, I was raised on it, mother used it to 'scare us' into compliance--how very sick is that?) but after a while--it loses it's 'scare'.
You know this man better than we do. Do you really think he'd rather die than not have driving privileges? Or is this a scare 'em tactic?
I am firmly in the "you aren't able to safely drive and so we need to do this" camp. Mother pitched a fit when she couldn't drive again after hip replacement, but she has no strength and she cannot see over the dashboard!
Make sure he isn't left housebound---that's humiliating to a person who has been free and easy--as long as he knows how to get rides and such--he'll feel less a captive. (Ubers are great--but so many srs can't navigate using the app.)
I understand where you're coming from Midkid58, & it's true... We can't be impaired by threats like that cuz it would paralize our ability to give real help. He shud have a complete mental workup asap.
Don't base your choices strictly on your FILs threats, cuz sounds like he may need a mental evaluation. (Don't give him the keys back if you know he's unsafe to drive...cuz you cud be liable for future accidents). Elderly throw tantrums sometimes, but his coping with not driving can be helped by a psychologist, or temporary antidepressant med. We have to do the right thing, & it's just hard sometimes. Best wishes.
Some of the comments below regarding suicide threat are misleading, unhelpful, and potentially harmful. The father-in-law is ELDERLY. Midkid58, if you 'grew up with it' then your mother's use of it as a 'threat' is quite a different situation. Your mother was not elderly. What some commenters don't seem to realize is that suicide rates are HIGHER in the elderly than the general population, suicide rates peak for youth AND the elderly. Don't forget the numerous stressors that elderly folk face - living with chronic diseases of older age, losing spouses, suddenly living alone, loneliness, isolation, loss of independence, loss of income, loss of friends and family members as they age and die, deteriorating hearing and eyesight and so on and so on. How do you think all of that feels when it's all happening at the same time? For many, it is overwhelming.
Thank you psyclinz for being the voice of reason!!! Suicide threats are real no matter what the age. Young or old. I don’t know what the hell people are thinking!! I guess they want their LO to hurry up and die!!!
I agree with midkid58. My Dad was diagnosed with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) in his 40s. This was BEFORE dementia set in in his mid 70s. He 81 now. He was a master manipulator then and even more so now because he has no shame. I grew up thinking he was just selfish, stingy and mean. I’m very self sufficient as a result. I CALMLY explain that I love him and he is in God’s hands when he threatens suicide. I tell him I will pray for him; ask Jesus to bring him some peace and comfort while he is still with us. I remind him all of if his paperwork is in order and he will he buried according to his wishes, then kiss him on the forehead and walk away. An hour later, it’s as if nothing happened so I offer to take him for a drive, which he refuses. Yes he’s very depressed and on meds for it, but the prideful narcissist is still in there, who will say anything to get his way! Ever see a toddler tell their mom “I hate you”. That statement can be soul crushing if you don’t realize how selfish a toddler is and will do anything to get a reaction out of you. Its best to recognize this and not become his emotional hostage. You still love him, just don’t fall for the manipulation. Establish some well defined boundaries as a caregiver...if he says x, I will say x or do nothing. Caretakers aren’t God. We’re just his agents of kindness and good deeds, who have no control over our loved ones decisions. Establishing boundaries has been a sanity saver for me. I’m at peace if my Dad does commit suicide because I’m just a good daughter... not Jesus Christ. I wish you the best.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
With that being said, he needs to know what alternatives are in place. If he needs to go to the store or the doctor or visit a friend, how will he get there? let him know that he can call someone to get a ride somewhere and it also allows family to spend more time with him. Point that out. It's all in how you spin it.
I also contacted the BMV and told them that my mother had been diagnosed with dementia and that they should test her. They sent mom a letter asking her to come in for a driving and written exam. She no longer knew where the BMV was so it solved itself.
As CG's we have to make the hard choices and it stinks.
Using the suicide threat is VERY effective (I know, I was raised on it, mother used it to 'scare us' into compliance--how very sick is that?) but after a while--it loses it's 'scare'.
You know this man better than we do. Do you really think he'd rather die than not have driving privileges? Or is this a scare 'em tactic?
I am firmly in the "you aren't able to safely drive and so we need to do this" camp. Mother pitched a fit when she couldn't drive again after hip replacement, but she has no strength and she cannot see over the dashboard!
Make sure he isn't left housebound---that's humiliating to a person who has been free and easy--as long as he knows how to get rides and such--he'll feel less a captive. (Ubers are great--but so many srs can't navigate using the app.)
We can't be impaired by threats like that cuz it would paralize our ability to give real help.
He shud have a complete mental workup asap.
Elderly throw tantrums sometimes, but his coping with not driving can be helped by a psychologist, or temporary antidepressant med. We have to do the right thing, & it's just hard sometimes.
Best wishes.
Take the threat of suicide by elders seriously.
I CALMLY explain that I love him and he is in God’s hands when he threatens suicide. I tell him I will pray for him; ask Jesus to bring him some peace and comfort while he is still with us. I remind him all of if his paperwork is in order and he will he buried according to his wishes, then kiss him on the forehead and walk away. An hour later, it’s as if nothing happened so I offer to take him for a drive, which he refuses. Yes he’s very depressed and on meds for it, but the prideful narcissist is still in there, who will say anything to get his way! Ever see a toddler tell their mom “I hate you”. That statement can be soul crushing if you don’t realize how selfish a toddler is and will do anything to get a reaction out of you. Its best to recognize this and not become his emotional hostage. You still love him, just don’t fall for the manipulation. Establish some well defined boundaries as a caregiver...if he says x, I will say x or do nothing. Caretakers aren’t God. We’re just his agents of kindness and good deeds, who have no control over our loved ones decisions. Establishing boundaries has been a sanity saver for me. I’m at peace if my Dad does commit suicide because I’m just a good daughter... not Jesus Christ. I wish you the best.