I am caregiver for my mother here in Canada and my grandmother whom I love dearly has her own caregiver in Jerusalem. I am at my wits end because grandma (after a stroke) is suddenly displaying end-stage signs of dementia. I am awake throughout the night speaking with the caregiver there and then during the day I care for my mother (GM's daughter).
I tried to speak with my siblings about how bad Grandma is getting and none of them are making an effort to inquire or even discuss it with me.
Just now I called my brother and said Grandma is in and out of consciousness - I am so worried and he responded "now what? Am sure she's fine. There's nothing you can do so stop torturing yourself."
I try not to bother them I tell them only bare minimum info. But, I feel I am alone in this. When I cry at the thought of grandma passing my sister says "we'll all be upset you know"
I know Her passing is inevitable but I can't act like them and wash my hands of the situation.
No one will pick up slack/ duties here with mom for me to go to grandma.
Any advise?
My guilt for not being by her side and my fears have me in a knot.
Your grandma is overseas and is receiving medical care, there is nothing they can do to improve her situation, from home, and really nothing they could do if they went to see her.
When my Dad has a massive stroke 5 years ago, I did go see him in the hospital. It cost me 1.5 days work as well as $$$ travel costs. When we knew he could be stabilized and would go into rehab, I did not cancel a planned, paid for trip, leaving 2 weeks later.
Some may feel I should have stayed by his bedside, but there is nothing I could have done.
Why do you feel you need more than one update per day on how grandma is doing? Staying up most the night either calling or waiting for calls is causing you additional stress, but does not change grandma’s situation.
We had a situation where a family member was calling the hospital 6+ times a day. It was taking time away from patients and other duties and in no way improved the care that was being received.
If you feel you must go to see your Grandma, then it is up to you to arrange respite care for Mum.
I ask them for money for gas. One sibling has the caregiver and disability money and she says "it's Pays for mom meds. If you need something just ask- I will see what I can do"
To travel to grandma they need to hire someone to help here and help me with plane ticket.
I said I want to go grandma and the responce was lukewarm "but we have to redo the driveway" etc.
Anyways- the $$ situation needs a different forumn post.
Basically, I need to come to terms that my goodbyes to grandma will be by skpe and ... I already feel resentment to my siblings for it.
Write a list, add up the money, tell them exactly what you need.
I feel angry for you. I bet I'm not the only one who would.
If you feel a need to see Grandma at least one more time before she dies, then make arrangements for some respite care for your mother and go. You do not need to justify why you want to visit Grandma. Ask a sibling or cousin (or two or three) if they can come to your home and care for Mom for some time frame or if Mom can spend a few days at their house. If that doesn't work out, then seek in home care; maybe your siblings would help with the cost.
You're 42 and it does sound as if life has become very difficult. I'm sorry that you're now feeling torn, and so worried about your grandmother. Are you in touch with anyone outside the family, such as therapists, support workers or religious ministers, who it might help to talk to?
And... as I am typing this I am realizing that I clearly need to speak to someone. Lol Ya, I need support other then what I hoped for / expected from siblings.
I am the oldest daughter and I can see my resentment grow as my siblings travel on vacations. My "vacations" is a car ride with mom to a hotel in the mountains.
My grandma was my go-to. My support system on the phone. She used to be the strongest women I ever knew. Grandma is my heart.
Thanks to this forumn and your questions I am figuring things out.
How old are you?
How old is your mother?
What are the duties you mention? - what are your mother's care needs?
Is your mother aware of how ill her mother is?
I am 42
caregiver to mom for 14 years. Depends on the day, bath her if bad day. Cooking, cleaning, meds, appointments, etc on regular days.
Mom is aware and sad but she shuts down. Wether dealing with her mom issues or her own, my mom shuts down (wont talk, turns to tv)
I see grandma all the time. The caregiver is camera happy. She sends videos of grandma crying. She sends picture of grandma trying to eat, etc...
Thanks for trying to figure me out.
today was the first time I felt like I should just start mourning. I don't want to be a pessimist but it was a sad day because grandma was admitted last night due to an infection and renal failure.