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We moved my Father in law in and gave him the master bedroom because he would have his own bathroom, I didnt want my children to get into his stuff considering he would have to share the bathroom with him otherwise, I cook,clean, and do his laundry which he has to have a certain way or he has a fit, manage his medication etc. I quit my job and turned down others to take care of him, now our bills have doubled, my gas bill was almost $400.00 because he keeps turning the heat up, not to mention my grocery bill was $120.00 a week now I spend $200.00 or more. This is frustrating I have applied with the VA for Aid and attendance but wont get it for 8-9 months and that's if he qualifies. What to do???

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Thanks everyone for all your support and responses, We have decided to send my FNL to Assisted living and have checked out several I think he will like this one and maybe not, He is due to go April 1st. It is a hard choice and we have gone back and forth with it but when it comes down to the bottom line, I need to think of what is best for him and for me and family. It hurts not doubt about it but that to in time will heal and maybe he will be happy to see us instead of all the harsh negative feelings. God Bless will keep u posted...
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Listen toCarol she was a caregiver to 7 people as she said see an Elder Lawyer for advice he will tell you what you need to do so that if he needs medicaide within 5 years you will be protected-my feeling is that the money an elder is able to save should go for their health care when they need that care and most people do need care as they age especially since people are living into their 90's and longer-and not be saved for inheirtance-it is nice if there is money to leave the children and grandchildren but that can be done when the parents are still young by trust and life insurance-doing it when you are young removes the 5 year look back period from medicaide-most people are still reluctant to do this and that is why medicaide gets so much money for mostly substandard care in nursing homes and hospitals a firend of mine had a strike and was back in the hospital for a medicial problem and rang for an aide or tech-no one came to help her and she had to get up alone and fell and fractured her hip and broke her leg-now she has to have a sitter with her at all times at 15-20 dollars an hour.
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Actually we give her his entire check plus some and use his savings to pay his bills.
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I talked to my brothers about taking turns going to my Dad's house to care for him. They didn't want to take turns so we moved him next door and we pay my sister to do most of his care. We take it out of his SS check. If he goes to a nursing home they will take his entire check. HELLO PEOPLE. My sis would have done it free, so would I but when Dad carries his part of the load it takes away the resentment and makes it a blessing to all. Even if you didn't need the money, its the principle of the thing. A laborer is worthy of his hire. After all he gets the best room. Dont be afraid to gently but firmly ask for him to do his part. When sis gets overwhelmed, we help and sometimes she remembers..... its not just caregiving. It's a job that is providing her income. It may sound greedy to some but getting paid, if its possible, sure makes you feel better about what you are giving up. And Dad wanted it that way. He never intended to be a burden. No matter how much you love someone, you are going to have days when you want your carefree life back.
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sstir, I don't understand the problem. You know how much more your bills have gone up, so deduct that difference from your f-i-l. If you want to go back to work, hire someone to come in and help out, and also deduct that from his money. When and if his VA aid comes in, move him out to wherever he needs to go. I realize he wasn't a great dad to your husband, but he must have given the okay for his father to live with the family. That is unless you feel railroaded, then that's a whole other problem.
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sstirlings5, how are you doing? Thanks you for the hugs. You are a sweet person too. Just follow your heart - there you will find the right answers. Some people with AD can end up being sweet and easy to deal with but others are kind of mean and hard to take care of. Maybe I said this before. Let me hear from you. I still think about you. take care and hugs to you too.
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Stirling - my gut feeling is that sometime in the future, you will need to find a long term care facility for him. And that likely he will need to apply for Medicaid to pay for it.

If so, then how his $ has been spent over the 5 years before will make a difference in the state's review of his application and if a penalty period will be imposed. What I would suggest is that you find a good elder care attorney and have a "personal services contract" done - the PSC is a way to compensate for your time and also lower any of his assets over time to get him to Medicaid compliance; then that you open a separate bank account for these funds and any other of his monies you are paid for reimbursement for specific things he needs, so there is no commingling of his and your and your DH's income.

To find out what is the right amount to charge, contact 3 home health agencies and have them come over to evaluate him and give you an estimate on what is your community standard for basic care. Most agencies, require a 4 day/4 hr 1 month minimum, at $ 18 average no special needs rate, $ 288 a month.

What you don't want to have happen, is that 3 years from now, you face thousands of $$ penalty for $ transferred from him to you or your DH. Good luck.
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Not sure I have an answer, but I feel like I am in the same boat as you Ssterlings5. I have taken in my mother whom no one wants to take in because she is manipulative. She has been as mean as a snake all of my life. I have my 2 children in the same room while my mom lives in our 3rd room. We have seen all the bills go up, experienced requests for special items at the grocery store, not to mention all the time spent cooking, laundry, and dealing with her mean attitude. I also gave up a job to help her. We are living off one very sad salary. I can not speak logic to her in regards to her expenses, so I am having the social worker talk with her about why I am going to start asking for money from her, and it will not include her groceries. I expect a fight. Thank you for posting. The comments have helped me.
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Reba, I am sorry your husband passed away; most difficult losing a spouse. Peace to you.
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ok ok enough of all the negativity, Yes I visit this place for some answers and if I take it great and if not then I don't. I will start by saying Thank you everyone for all your support. I have taken care of my mother until she died with out even asking for a penny, Now its different I have my FNL who I never met before, my husband and brother were estrange at the age of 14 sure they talked to there dad here and there but nothing more and to no fault of there's. My husband checked on him in Dec 2011 and wham he go's into the hospital and a week later get's released to his home where I would go and take care of him, His Nurse had noticed some things going on and called his doctor and told us he go's to a nursing home or family. So Me (this money hungry person) said "No" my FNL (a stranger to me) will come live with us. We have made several sacrafices and yes now my bills have doubled weather you believe it or not I don't care I have my bills. It's different unlike with my mom I now have a mortgage payment , children and other bills of life. I quit my job to stay home and care for my FNL because he can't be left alone so now we are feeling the crunch of a loss of income and gain in bills. I don't get paid to do this. So Reba did u quit your job or lose your income to do this for your family??? I hold no hard feelings but really if I was in a position were I had unlimited cash it wouldn't even be a question. We did however fix the thermostat so dad can't turn up the heater anymore. We are starting to consider putting him in assisted living because he is getting mean with me and it is become a stressful situation in my home and my children are feeling it aswell. I feel for your loss Reba and pray that your heart heals.
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Wow, Reba. I see you lost your husband very recently, so maybe this is grief talking. But you are not coming off as generous or helpful. People have different situations, and you have to believe that, if you think we are mis-reading your posts, it must be possible that you are misreading the original post here. This poor woman took in a man no one else would, who was not a great father to her husband, who is demanding and ungenerous, and it's costing them a bunch of money on top of everything else. She asked a fair question, and she deserved a kind answer -- not an answer that was about you making yourself feel better about the choices you made. We all need to be kinder to each other -- this job is hard enough as it is -- and meet people where they are. Too many people judge others here not by the facts, but by what they themselves have done or believe, and don't realize that every situation is different, that the same standards flat out don't apply to every situation, and that helping each over matters more than making ourselves feel righteous about the way we approached things differently.
ANd for the original questioner: I now take my Dad's ATM card and buy the special grocery items he likes with that card. Every third bag of dog food, he buys. Half the detergent goes on his card because his laundry is more than half of what we gets done... He had expenses before that were so much greater than what he has now. Our heat bill, too, has doubled. I like the idea of getting a consult with an elder care attorney to figure out what can be done to share the burden of him WITH him, without jeopardizing the VA program benefits. Good luck to all of you.
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Reba, I really wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. But I have no more doubts. I don't know why you are so defensive and willing to assume the worst of others, but I'll just remember to skip your comments from now on. I hope the others who are annoyed by your unhelpful attitude can do the same, and not drop out of AgingCare altogether.

My sincere condolences on the death of your husband.
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She said " he keeps turning the heat up" put a lock on the thermostat. Also said her "grocery bill too high" tell him to buy his own food. It sound like it is too much for her.
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3pinkroses, shame on you for your nasty remarks you don't understand what you are reading. She wants to know what to do. Charge him - make money she has that right. Don't need to ask us. If she can't get it then she shouldn't take care of him. I didn't say do it for nothing. I said be fair.
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I am just saying - take care of the person and tell them what you want for doing it. It isn't such a hard thing to ask. If you want paid for it then tell them. She does know what is right and wrong. Everyone knows that. If she wants to be paid - nothing wrong in that. I am just saying tell them what you want for taking care of him. Bills have doubled? I don't believe that. I know what it cost for taking care of someone. I have done it three times.
My husband died Jan. 26, 2012. It was going on 4 years that I took care of him and I would take care of any of them again in a heart beat. I am not a super duper person. I loved them.
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Reba, you don't understand at all and it is insulting of you to infer that someone is "in it to make some money" when they were honestly looking to this board for support. It's unfortunate that you are so bitter, and even more unfortunate that you post your negativity here.

Everyone who posts on this site deserves support and caring; they are not looking for your personal opinions or assumptions. God knows what is in everyone's heart, not you.
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Reba, That was very generous of you to take in two people for several months. It can certainly put a strain on the household to have extra adults there, in addition to having a financial impact. Your financial generosity no doubt did your brother-in-law and his wife a lot of good. When the 8 months were up and they went on to the next step in their lives, it was great that they were not overly burdened by what their room and board and care had cost them. What a wonderful and generous gift to them.

And now you are taking care of your husband. That is the boat I am in. Financially it is not remotely like taking care of a parent.

Sstirlings5's situation is not at all comparable to taking in your BIL and his wife for 8 months. This wll go on indefinitely, until the FIL dies or is too incapacitated to live at home. It could be years. And saving him money at this time will not make his future brighter. What is his money for, if not for taking care of himself in his old age? That is now! Sometimes selfish non-caregiving siblings want to force the caregiving child to do it without compensation so their inheritance will be larger. Personally, I don't think sstirlings5 and her husband should make financial sacrifices in order for there to be a bigger estate to inherit, do you?

Reba, I don't see anything at all in the original post to suggest SS is in this for the money. And how you can see into her heart and conclude she knows what is fair is beyond me. So if she knows what is fair, she is posting this question for ... ???

You did a generous thing taking care of your relatives for a few months "at cost." You are now under a lot of strain taking care of your husband. I hope you are a generous, compassionate person. Setting yourself above others by saying "Don't think I am like you" doesn't go over well here.
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You two don't understand - yes take what it cost to care for someone, by all means. But don't think I am like you, I took care of my brother in law for his cost. Didn't take care of him to make money, sstirlings5 do what you want but be fair is all I am saying. Hospice can help with taking care of him. If you are in it to make some money don't ask us what is fair because in your heart you know what is fair.
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You are extremely kind and generous to take in your father in law. You absolutely should be able to get paid for taking care of him. You have given up your masterbedroom and your job; you need to be compensated. I agree with everything luvmydad said. It is difficult enough without having to struggle financially.

Many of us have been in the same situation and the heating and the food bills most definitely do increase. Take care and bless you for all you are doing.

And most importantly, just ignore any posts on here that are not supportive; unfortunately, some just aren't and cannot be understanding of another's plight.
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sstirlings5, whatever the reason you have taken this person in, he should be paying his own way to the extent that he can. As Carol points out, you need to be careful how you document the charges. I think the primary concern is that what you get from him is not perceived as a gift -- he is not giving his money away. But I'm not a lawyer!

I don't think we can give you an amount to charge. And I doubt that he can pay you enough to compensate for giving up your job plus all the other expenses. So you won't get what you deserve but you should get what he can afford. Obviously you are not doing this for profit. You are doing it out of remarkable compassion. The fact that you need him to contribute financially to his care does nothing to take away from that compassion.
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First let me set the record straight he is not my father he is my estranged father in law, He was brought into our lives due to his illness and no one would take him in but us not really our choice. His boys raised thereselves at the age of 14 when he left them to continue his life else where. So we are doing this out of the kindness of our hearts. we have 3 young children and are struggling because now I cant work so I can stay home with my fnl. Thank you luvmvdad its nice to know there are people that will understand my situation.
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Reba is a mean person, pay no attention to her. Some people on here are self righteous martyrs. The cost of putting your FIL in a home is $4000 to over $10,000 depending on his condition. In home care is $20 an hour. Does your FIL receive SSI or some other income? I would use that to pay yourselves. An attorney will charge about $1000 to draw up an agreement. I am understand your situation, my husband & I care for my 88 yr old dad who had a stroke & suffers from Alzheimer's. Just because you need $$ to care for your FIL doesn't mean you don't love him. Good luck.
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How much did your Father charge to take care of you. Your bills should not double, how many are in you home. He can't eat three times more than anyone else in the family. Take the cost and devide it, it will tell you what his share is. Put a lock box on the thermostat. Refrigerator etc. I had my sister and her husband in my home for eight mos. I didn't charge them that kind of money and that was two people
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If he has some assets, you could check the hourly wage at an in-home care agency and use that as a guide. Also, you can document the increases in heat, water and food. Then you could write up a contract. However, since he has applied for Aid and Attendance, you must be very careful not to do anything to derail that. I'd suggest one session with an elder law attorney to make sure there are no mistakes you'll later regret.
Good luck,
Carol
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