I asked a question about a year ago about my FIL who was refusing to go into a care facility. I had been taking care of him for four years and also his wife for two years, before she passed away. I received many good answers from the people on this forum. Since then he too has passed away and my husband and I have managed to start getting our lives back to normal. Cue the next crisis.
I have been estranged from my own mom for four years. The estrangement started when I was about a year in to caring for my in-laws. The catalyst for the estrangement was that she accused me of abusing my in-laws. This was absolutely untrue, and she never really gave a reason as to why she thought I was abusing them. I never said an unkind word to either one of my husband’s parents. In fact, I had quit my job in order to care for them, which was never really appreciated.
Although her accusation was the official reason I stopped talking to her, in truth, it was just the straw that broke the camels back. She has been a cruel, delusional alcoholic all my life. Her behaviour has pushed away every single person in her life except for my younger sister. Full disclosure, I have also suffered from alcoholism but have been sober for the past 3 1/2 years.
My sister lives about a 6 hour drive away from the town where my mother and I live. She calls my mother every day and visits three times a year for a couple days each time. On this last visit, she informed my father, from whom my mother is divorced, that my mother is going downhill. She is having trouble caring for her house and can’t even change lightbulbs by herself anymore. She is 69 years old. My sister then informed my dad that she thinks she is going to ask me to take care of my mother.
I CANNOT DO THIS.
If I agree to take care of my mother, she will take over every aspect of my life. She truly cares about nothing except herself. She would not care if taking care of her killed me.
My question is, how do I handle this with my sister? We are very close, and I really do hate that the burden of my mother is on her. However, I also know that five minute phone calls and three time a year visits are nothing compared to what would be expected of me.
Although my sister hasn’t even broached the subject with me yet, I know that it is coming. I do feel sympathy for her because I understand that she must be at a loss for what to do since she lives so far away. I just know that I cannot take care of this woman. What do I do?
Then, in a word, don’t. You are a grown woman, right? Tell your sister that you and she need to discuss alternative placements.. or, alternative transports. Maybe her city has a regional transport. Ours does. All you need to do is call and schedule a pick-up. Ours even has handicap vans. Hand it off to them. Check it out on the Internet. Ours costs about $8 round trip.
Don't get involved if you think you can’t handle it. There are alternatives. Mom may have to adjust her schedule to fit the bus, but that’s ok. Mine did. And, there’s alway Uber and Lyft.
And, there are plenty of handymen and landscapers begging for jobs. Utilize them. But, check their credentials first. .
Work on the list with your sister, and make a plan together when you can see the whole picture. Your sister can involve your mother in making the list, and both of them need to know that ‘help’ doesn’t include contact with you! That is better for your relationship with your sister than just saying no. It will also help your sister to see when and if alternative accommodation is needed.
For this reason alone and the fact that your mother is still an active drinker you need to remain detached.
Alcoholics are often narcissistic & don’t care or are unable to realize the needs of anyone else.
If your mother at 69 hasn’t realized yet that she has a problem she may never admit it.
Don’t expose yourself to that behavior. It’s not fair to you nor your husband who has no doubt provided you with the support you needed to stop drinking.
Explain that to your sister. It’s time for someone else to pick up the slack.
Your sister can arrange for grocery delivery, county transport to doctor visits, home repair, etc. When she visits your mom she can make lists of what repairs need to be done and arrange them via Angie’s List or Home Advisor to get estimates, etc and your mother can choose what how she wants to proceed and make the decision.
Its self preservation for you. People are responsible for their bad decisions. Your mother is still young enough to recognize her problem; whether she does or not is not your problem. You recognized yours and deserve Kudos, and did so while you were caring for your in-laws.
You have done your duty. Its time to get your life back. You must be in your 40s. First, you and hubby should get away together. Can be a weekend somewhere but do something. If you haven't yet and want to, get a job. Four years out of the workforce is not that long. Start getting your life back. Like suggested. Find resources in your area. Office of Aging can probably help with a lot of things. Ours actually has a booklet. Ours also has a bus. My nephew just signed up for a car service called Access here in NJ.
You have very good reasons for not wanting to be involved with Mom. And, I wouldn't start doing anything for her. Because it will be one thing, then two and then it will snowball. You have taken care of two inlaws. Just tell sister what u said here. You just can't care for another person and especially an alcholic. You refuse to endanger your sobriety. Which u will be doing.
Your sister can not expect you to help your mom because her life choices are catching up to her. If mom needs help there are lots of agencies that can help her. I am afraid with the alcohol abuse everyone will find mom doesn't want help, she wants another drink and you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
I wouldn't get involved, if your sister is close to her she is the one that needs to do it. Support your sister and love her but don't get sucked back into any kind of assistance with your mom. It is to easy to say, since you're so close can you? NO, NO, NO AND NO! Just don't walk through that door. Let the professionals deal with this from the start. Your sister has no right to involve you so she doesn't have to do it. I get she is concerned but you are not the solution. She needs to know from the start , when and if she broaches the subject. That you have worked to hard to get your life on track and you absolutely refuse to entertain playing with toxic waste, PERIOD. Hand her the list of social services in your town and say hope it works out.
If you call and schedule or set anything up you will be a contact for her and when stuff starts falling apart, yep, you'll get the calls, DON'T DO IT.
Choices have consequences and we can not pay for our parents choices by suffering consequences so they don't have to, it is okay to say no.
Well done taking responsibility for your life and getting sober, big hugs! You deserve to enjoy the life you have worked so hard to create.
They can ask all they want, but your answer must be " no, I can't possibly do that".
Because you have already been through caregiving, you can share tips and resources with your sister; however, you must remain strong and keep away from your mother. Your are estranged from your mother for good reason, and your sister must accept that, to you, your mother is a toxic person.
I like the idea of making a list of my moms needs and going over them with my sister. I am willing to help find local agencies, etc., as long as I am not responsible for hands on care and am not expected to be in contact with my mother. Especially since, as lkdrymom said, this could be a 20 year commitment. Ye gads.
I am not in AA. I tried it out on a previous attempt at getting sober and it wasn’t a good fit for me. I got sober under the supervision of my doctor and I did see a therapist for the first year of my sobriety. I don’t know if any of you have dealt with addiction, and it is hard to describe to people who haven’t experienced it. Honestly, it feels like I clawed my way out of hell. I can’t go back there. I’m sorry that my mom is still there but I don’t want to be around it.
Sorry....got a bit heavy there!
I may be making something out of nothing. My sister hasn’t even approached me yet and she may not. All she has done, so far, is talk to my dad about the possibility of talking to me. I guess I just want to be prepared for when (or if) she does approach me.
I really want to emphasize that my sister is not a thoughtless person. She is actually very kind. If she approaches me about my mother, I have no doubt that it will be because she doesn’t know what else to do. I’ve definitely been there with my in-laws. When you have no experience with aging parents, you don’t know what to do and grasp at whatever you can.
Thank you all for your support!
Best of luck, dear woman.
My dad actually did offer help to my sister, but oooooooh myyyyyy Goood no. They have been divorced for 25 years but even mentioning my father turns my mother into something like a wild animal. It would not end well.
I do think you are right about getting ahead of the problem and talking to my sister before she brings it up. Perhaps then we can come up with some kind of a plan. Of course, any plan that involves my mother not getting exactly what she wants will be met with rage. Sigh.
You could have a firm "no" response ready and rehearse it many times. Perhaps write to your sister in advance of her asking in order to prevent the request in the first place.
1 - mom can move to be near sister - this takes you out of equation completely
2 - there are social services that can be accessed by mom
3 - mom can go to assisted living
You have done your care taking stint & from how you word things it would be detrimental to you to get back into so soon - your health both mental & physical will suffer - if you did it then within a short period of time you would back out due to your stress level so don't even go there
Maybe write sis a letter stating that you are sorry but there is no way that you are ready to resume any relationship with your mom much less picking up her care taking - do this calmly & with great forethought - if your mom is still drinking then that will be toxic for you & you may not recover a second time - all this must be disclosed to sis - if you write this & send it then she will know better where you stand in regards to care for your mom - of course you will give moral support to sis but no physical support to mom
Would your dad talk to your sister about the fact that you just can't take care of your alcoholic mother? What would they do if you were killed in a car accident? They would do something.
As others advised, you might help your sister get resources in hand. That way you could help her without having to interact with your mother. I hope your sister isn't feeling like she has no options, she has options too. What would happen to your mom of both of you were dead? I don't think anyone has mentioned getting legal stuff in order yet.
Wow, 64 isn't old. I could well have a child that age. In fact I remarried at 65. It is 19 years later and I am still on my feet taking care of hubby.
not all people can do this job especially if you are starting out with a negative attitude towards your mom.
I would suggest approaching your sister before she approaches you. let her know your feelings and hopefully the two of you can work something out together.
good luck
She told me that what she had actually said to my dad was that she was going to ask me if I would be willing to go to my mothers house and check on her if she wasn’t able to get in touch with her for an extended period of time. She said that she would call my mothers neighbor first and then me. This would only be after not being able to reach her for more than 24 hours. Essentially, she is worried about what will happen if my mother is lying on the floor and no one knows about it.
I told her that if she’s really worried about that, it would be better to call 911 if the neighbor isn’t available. She agreed.
We ended up having a long conversation about what is going to happen with our mother when things eventually do go south. At this point, she’s not leading a wonderful life but she is still capable of being on her own, officially. She’s not at the point where anyone can force her into any kind of care. I don’t know when that time will come. It could be in a month, or she could lead this sad existence for another 10 years.
At any rate, my sister told me that she has no expectations of me ever providing any hands-on care for my mother. She also told me that she doesn’t want to do it either! I can’t blame her for that! She said that when the time comes, she will take care of placement but has asked me to help her look for homes and help her navigate the legal stuff (when the time comes) since I know about it from taking care of my in-laws. I am fine with that.
So I essentially got myself into a nervous tizzy over nothing. I’m very grateful for everyone’s advice. Especially those who told me that I should talk to my sister before any crisis happened. It’s really good that we had this talk because I feel like we’re on the same page. Whew!
If you say no and do nothing, how will you feel when your mother passes? You have to decide what your obligation is and what you feel comfortable with.
Do you do you think at this point you, your sister, and your mother could go and have lunch in a place that does not serve alcohol in order to try to reacquaint yourselves? Keep it light short and sweet. Maybe you can do this on the occasions when your sister visits.
Could mom move to your sister's city?
As far as reacquainting myself with my mother is concerned, I really have no interest in doing that. I’m sure that to those who have good relationships with their parents, that seems coldhearted. So be it. There is no “light, short and sweet” with my mother. That just isn’t who she is. I am willing to help out with things such as finding housing, paying bills, that sort of thing, when the time comes. I’m not willing to have a relationship with her unless she changes, which she won’t.