My Mom, early 90s, had a major cancer surgery six weeks ago. She refused rehab and came home three weeks ago. She is very withdrawn, barely eating, not drinking, sleeping constantly and completely bedridden. Yet the doctor says she is strong and could have a year left if she starts to eat, drink, and move around. Of course, when she is asked to do anything, she says "not now" "later" "okay, I will" and then falls asleep. When we try to have a conversation with her about her wishes, we get "of course I want to get better" "I will." We do not have hospice (sibling opposed due to past experience). I would welcome any thoughts on how to proceed. Thank you for reading.
If I were in your shoes, and she was my mother, I would let her rest and sleep as much as she wants. She can eat and drink when she wants. The main focus would be to give her the most comfort, not to cajole her to do things she obviously has no energy for. To do the things you want her to do may seem easy for you, but for her, it may be like running up the stairs or climbing hills. If she regains strength and recovers, great, if not, at least she is comfortable for the rest of her days.
Agree.
Unlike the family I had the misfortune to meet recently. 90s+ elder with Alz with #hip; Family wants curative hip surgery rather than comfort care. Why? Elder could walk pre-surgery & still recognised her family. But, also had delusions, is very physically aggressive, has emotional distress & DNR in place.
Child 1 brings crystals & wants a full walking talking mother.
Child 2 wants her to go on & die (peacefully)
Child 3 changes mind everyday between the two directions.
They bickered, distracted, obstructed care, argued with medical team about what direction they WANTED.
A no time seemed able to comprehend the future would happen regardless of what they WANTED but what would BE.
The elder could have been returned to her own NH room & bed to live her days in familiar surroundings with familiar staff, to recover or not as would be. But no, the bickering continued, then whether to transfer to a hospice setting - for so long that she was too unstable to move by that time. The obstruction to comfort measures resulting in pressure injuries (reported to the Coroner).
I hope never to see such selfishness again dressed up as 'caring'.
Please don't let your sibling veto such a vital resource for your mother, because pain management is a huge part of what they can do for her. It isn't something to do on your own.
By all means, have the conversation wit your mom. She'd likely welcome it, and make sure that she understands hospice is not a death sentence.
Is there a prognosis for her cancer? How was your mom's condition before surgery?
Do you have POA? If so, and if her condition is hospice worthy, you do not have to abide by your sibling's opposition. Hospice is often the right answer, at some point.
That's a big IF from the doc - if she starts doing X, Y and Z. If she doesn't start cooperating, it's not going to be pretty. But, at her age and following a major surgery, it could just take her a bit to snap out of it. Being under for surgery can cause some serious brain fog, sometimes irreversible in older folks.
Do you have any outside help coming in? I find my mom is ALWAYS much more cooperative with the professionals than she EVER is with me. I would try to get some services like PT in home.
Might not be a bad idea to get her back to the doctor?
Good luck.
I am with Alva with how to handle the situation. Maybe u should take her to the doctor just to get her vitals checked and make sure it not meds not something physical. Maybe she is depressed.
Speak with your Mom about what she wants now. If you are her POA for health then follow her wishes after discussing with the rest of the family what they are. If she would like Hospice please honor her wishes. If she wants basically to eat what she wants, move when she wants, then honor THAT.
Sometimes we ask a family or a forum when we should ask the person involved. I wish you so much luck. I am so sorry for what your Mom is going through, and what you must witness and worry about.