My Mom, early 90s, had a major cancer surgery six weeks ago. She refused rehab and came home three weeks ago. She is very withdrawn, barely eating, not drinking, sleeping constantly and completely bedridden. Yet the doctor says she is strong and could have a year left if she starts to eat, drink, and move around. Of course, when she is asked to do anything, she says "not now" "later" "okay, I will" and then falls asleep. When we try to have a conversation with her about her wishes, we get "of course I want to get better" "I will." We do not have hospice (sibling opposed due to past experience). I would welcome any thoughts on how to proceed. Thank you for reading.
Do you have a POA for health care? If so, you can decide that she'll go to rehab. Of course, she didn't want to go. They say later and I will, okay . . . but these words are only to put off what is needed in any given moment. Don't buy into that. Figure out ways to shift around it. Offer a treat even if they do not get it (they will / she will forget).
* I'm in that situation now with my friend of 18+ years (I manage all his care).
He didn't want me to call Paramedics yesterday.
He didn't want to go to Hospital when Paramedics advised (due to possible stroke).
He didn't want to stay in the hospital overnight; he wanted to be released from Emergency room.
He doesn't / didn't want to get an MRI this morning . . . I acknowledged his fears, feelings and concerns - and used the carrot on the stick "you can go home IF you get the MRI (which is how they can tell if he had a stroke).
He - perhaps like your mother - is beyond MISERABLE and DEPRESSED and [perhaps not like your mother] wants to end his suffering. As he says, he wants to go to sleep and not wake up. With Covid for over a year and no driver's license for perhaps two years, and serious balance / walking difficulties, he has been crazed for a long time. I do understand his frustration(s).
* MY EXPERIENCE WITH HOSPICE (for w/ a client) - they were a Godsend as everything was on my shoulders as I managed ALL her care, incl business needs.
- HER sister didn't want her to get Hospice either for months. By the time client got it, she was gone in a week, if that long.
- Do what you need to do to get Hospice. Yes, I had a 'thing' happen w Hospice appts + addressed it very clearly and quickly w the CEO. After that, they rolled out the red carpet for me.
- Once that was handled, they helped in ways I can't even list. 90% of the stress-ors were lifted off of me; they provide (free) equipment and available 24/7 to call for support.
* While people have different feelings about the (nearing of) end of life, I feel that a month or six months or a year doesn't mean it is worth putting a person through if they are miserable. Having a few GOOD MOMENTS means so much more in the moment - and the moment is all they / we have.
- Suffering day after day is not a quality of life for them; it is a way to keep the person alive for the family member(s) as they do not want to let go. As is an AA saying (?), "let go and let God".
PLEASE NOTE: I am NOT saying that your mom is miserable and/or ready to transition.
* Get Hospice if you can for you. It will make your moments with your mom that much more pleasant for her and you - this will be quality time for you to cherish.
* I am not disrespecting anyone's religious beliefs. I believe strongly that you need to do what is in your best interest, which will support your mom for the time she has left. It is quality, not quantity. Gena
You may give her an experience if you have a positive one, unfornately so so passed and, it was very nice to know that so, so kids-family had things arranged for their parents-sister-brother and all went well.
WE like to do the same for you if ever that was the case. What would you like for us to do if a decision needs to be made? Now wake up and lets talk about it, I know this is not easy but as an adult thing, you know we have to do this. Give her a time, you think she can handle. love her..
Sounds like she is tired and ready, but doesn't want to speak the words.
My MIL didn't have a problem with the words, but admitted to her pastor that she was afraid of the actual act.
Follow her ques. Google end of life stages and signs. Or, most hospice companies will gladly give you a booklet with this info.
Hugs.
Maybe she needs to take Less Meds.
Most Seniors are taking far more meds than they need or should be.
You mentioned she just had Major Surgery and it's only been 3 weeks?
How long did they want her to go to Rehab? Probably much longer than 3 weeks?
Maybe she just needs more rest as she just had Major Surgery.
You should find out things they would have had her do in rehab and get her to do them.
Try having her get up and go to the table to eat.
Have her get up to go to the Bathroom.
Try interesting her in something she use to like to do.
GI've her a Foot Massage.
GI've her a Manicure and Peducure
Play music in her room.
Open her window up and let some fresh air and sunshine come in.
Look at lots of old pictures with her and reminise.
Let her use crayons to color a picture.
Play a game of cards with her.
Prayers
Good luck.