I'd like to ask you all a question - when our elderly parents can't care for themselves, should they be forced to move into an aged care center, or should their adult children be forced to give up their jobs to care for them?
on one side, our parents were allowed to have their lives. We need to be allowed to have our lives. And its been medically proven - the stress of caring shaves decades off our lives.
on the flip side, our parents were always there for us and made sacrifices.
I personally think that elderly people who can't manage alone should move into care and allow our generation to have our lives just like our parents were allowed to have their lives.
what do you all think
This needs to be addressed on a case-by-case basis. One size does not fit all.
In my view, adult children must continue to be responsible for their own support, now and for their own old age. They must continue to meet their family and social and work obligations. To the extent that they can do that and also participate in their parents' care, they should do so. This assumes a reasonably good relationship has existed -- I don't think that the same applies to dysfunctional, abusive families.
"Participate in their parents' care" can range from seeing to it that paid help is arranged, or a suitable care center is found, all the way to living with the parent and providing hands-on care. This is where the solution has to be customized. In my view, it should not include surrendering jobs or endangering the physical or mental health of the adult child.
However, our parents, back when they were younger, opted to start a family. They got married and had kids because that's what you do. They were handled a tiny little bundle of joy wrapped in a blanket and this little bundle had no formed personality, no life experiences, and this little bundle was not out of its mind from dementia. The little bundle didn't have leg ulcers from diabetes and when we changed this little bundle's diapers we could roll it over lickety split in order to change the diaper. Until it was time to potty-train. Our elders can't be potty-trained.
Caring for our parents because they cared for us is not an even, accurate comparison in my opinion. If our little bundles got sick we took them to the Dr. If our elderly parent gets sick they refuse to see a Dr. and we worry and fret over what to do. Our little bundles grow like weeds and we take extreme pleasure in seeing them reach important milestones such as the first time they roll over, their first step, their first Christmas. They continue to grow and develop and we take such pride in watching them evolve into an actual person. But with our elderly parents the process is reversed. We see them lose parts of themselves day by day as they decline. It breaks our hearts.
Our parents didn't take care of us out of obligation. They wanted us. They wanted to raise children. They got a lot of joy out of seeing us grow and learn. Caring for elderly parents is the exact opposite of this. More often than not they become a demented husk of a human being who is unable to feed themselves, toilet themselves and maybe verbalize what they need or want. They don't become like babies because babies are beautiful and joyful and positive. Our elderly parents are anything but.
I don't begrudge anyone who wants to care for their elderly parent because that parent raised them. More power to that person. But I've cared for a baby and I've cared for my parents and I'll take caring for a baby over caring for an elderly parent any day.
I believe one's parents should be in a retirement village to be around people of their generation so they have others to talk to about life experiences, and in a safe place. And to be cared for by *licensed trained caregivers/nurses*. These caregivers/nurses work in 3 shifts and if the caregivers/nurse is sick or on vacation, there is someone else to fill that shift. If you become the untrained caregiver you work ALL 3 shifts with no time off, and no one to fill in for you if you are sick or want a vacation day.
I believe adults "should" be responsible living and caring in raising their children. They should raise them to be contributing members of society and should plan for their own retirement, unfortunately, SS may be falling short.
Strong capable adult children can and should help their parents, with each case being different, there is no "should" there are only choices.
No I do not believe I should be forced into a retirement community....I shudder to think.
I think that whatever dysfunctionalities or issues YOUR family had, you should not generalize to say "our". I believe I should plan for my elder years, and yes we do have and need a safety net for the most needy whether they have adult children or not. Nobody can or is forced to take care of their parents, it is a personal decision wrought with reward, guilt and karma.
I think you should make the decisions which are right for you. I think you should not make this a "we" issue. Whatever decisions we as parents and adult "children" need to accept our own consequences.
What really irks me is that my parents can easily afford the most luxury of retirement communities but they don't want to part with one thin dime.... so instead, I have to deal with all the stress of them being in their home, worrying myself sick because of all the stairs, all the cleaning, all the yard work, and them no longer driving.
This evening, after work, I plan to leave off with my parents a booklet about a wonderful retirement community that is in our area. It's pricey but it is like living in a 5 star hotel. No more taking time off from work for me to take my parents to a doctor for a minor ache or pain as the place has board certified MD's... or go to the barber every other month as the place has a barber and salon.... or go to the bank as there is a branch on site... or take Mom to Hallmark for a card she needs right away as there is a gift shop on site that sells cards.... and my parents can finally get back to going to Sunday Mass as the place has transportation to church. Wonderful walking paths, ponds, indoor pool, and people they can talk to.... right now they only have each other to talk to or to me, or an occasional neighbor.
I hope Dad can convince Mom it is time to move to an easier place, a safer place. I know Moms don't like leaving their nest that they worked so hard to create.
All those years have taken its toll and I'm still not yet fifty. As a result, I have lots of bulging discs in my lumbar spine along with a recurrence of neurofibromatosis. My left foot is paralyzed, my left leg is getting weaker and my specialist has ordered me to use a walking frame.
All this has happened to me because my mother was too selfish to accept any help from anyone but me.
But. There's a but. Your mother was selfish to insist that you care for her, and to refuse help from anyone else. I agree. But how, how, did she force you?
I'm not taking issue with your own particular situation, because you were there and I wasn't and I've no business to comment. I'm thinking about other people reading who feel under the same pressure as you but perhaps haven't yet committed themselves to being full-time caregivers. And the the point I'm making is that there are two sides to this coin. On the one side there's a selfish, manipulative, exploitative person making demands. But on the other there has to be somebody saying "yes" for it to happen.
You can say no. It's not easy, but it can be done. We have to make our own choices, not just comply with someone else's.
It is sad that we have to learn the hard way. I would not say I was forced, but that I made some choices that were not in my own self interest. Did mother pressure me - definitely. Fortunately I was able to resist some of it.
Hope you can concentrate on you now, and your health improves.
But, my parents were fundamentalist christians and did an excellent job of brainwashing me to the extent that I was truly terrified that if I took time out for my own medical needs, God would be very angry with me and punish me.
Also, when I was in my mid 30's, my late father gave me a thrashing as a punishment for standing up to myself.
I was terrified that if I went into hospital for surgery, I would be sent home from hospital to a demanding mother who would force me to do heavy shopping etc - one of many things that you don't do for six weeks minimum after surgery.
In 2001, when my late father was still here - i went into hospital for life-saving hysterectomy - I was only home from hospital for two days - still had my stitches in, but mum and dad tried to force me to pick up heavy brooms and shovels to help them in the garden.
In 2002 when I was only home from hospital for two weeks following spinal surgery, mum stood over me and FORCED me to bring in the heavy rubbish bins from the curb, up the lane and into the back yard. And in 2003, my late father threatened me with another thrashing as punishment for standing up for my rights to look after myself.
My dear specialist is very cross with me for letting my back get this bad and then expect to get fixed. I said I had no choice as I was forced to be mum's sole carer. He then said, well who will look after your mum if you go into hospital for surgery? I told him mum is in a permanent nursing home.
It scares me to think - if mum were still home - I would have to go without my treatment and surgery just to look after mum - in spite of fact I can't look after myself properly.
As for the abuse my parents dished out to me - I wish I could put it behind me.
Next time my specialist gets cross I've let things get this bad, I'll just have to tell him everything I've told you here
I'm glad that your mother is in a nursing home and I hope you will take care of you which it sounds like you would benefit from talking with a therapist.
No, under no circumstances would you have to look after your mother, Your health - mental and physical des not allow for that. You have to look after yourself.
I don't know that you can ever put that kind of abuse completely behind you, though I wish you could. What you can do is get therapy to help you make good choices from now on and help you deal with the memories of the past. I would tell your specialist and any other medical person who treats you about the abuse. I am sure it had affected your health in more ways than one.
It is terrible to think that lots of children who are caring for their parents end up dying before their parents. THat is terrible