Why do elderly parents turn on the child that is trying so hard to take care of them?

That's a good question, Carol. I don't have a clue, but wonder, just like you. Trouble is, mine's been ugly since my birth. And now that I'm her Caregiver, she is uglier still. It breaks my heart, but doesn't seem to change hers in the least, except to make it harder and more set in stone.

Mine is that way too, she is really nice to me, then I discuss finances or try to explain why she is in the nursing home, why we can't bring her to church, taking her shopping, why she can't go to assisted living, etc and she turns on me. I do not know why she doesn't understand that she needs to have 24 hour care now, why she can't walk without her walker, why she has to go by the nursing home rules and restrictions. I spent 7 years taking care of her and now she has turned on both me and my sister and is taking us to court over having her in the nursing home. If she wins, then she gets to go to assisted living and I will feel terrible if something happens to her or if she falls again, I feel like that 7 years was wasted trying to take care of her and keep her safe. Maybe I was controlling her too much, but she was trying to do things like leave the apartment at night, falling down a lot, and trying to buy expensive things over the phone that she did not have money for.

If you have the finances to support assisted living and can find a good place and she WANTS to go... by all means do it, especially given what you are going through.

She will get 24 hour care there. There will be people there to catch her falls and/or respond correctly when emergencies happen.

If there aren't then you need a different assisted living. These are the basics!

It sounds like your mom is having an enormous amount of emotional conflict with her aging.

She may be fairly realistic about her needs if she wants to go.
Believe me, you will still have a lot of work on your hands advocating for her once she is there. But the nitty gritty of the caregiving will be off your hands and she won't be so aggressive with you.
The 7 years you spent were not wasted. Caregiving is sooo stressful. If she is a wanderer and is getting extravagant with her/your financial resources, that HAS to be controlled.

A good assisted living facility can help you with that. But please get her in a good one. And communicate with them regularly.
You shouldn't feel guilty about this if this is what she wants!
You shouldn't feel guilty about anything.

Aging is filled with denial. It's hard for me to remember that my mom is in her eighties and is in a different phase. She has always been uhhh... willful... and it's hard to not resent that attitude now because one thinks, well you've always been like this. But her brain IS different now. And we are different as adults, as the responsible adults and have to let go of the resentment and take a certain amount of control as the responsible and capable adult.

What about the parent that can still "shop" doctors until she finds the one who tells her what she wants to hear, not knowing she's lying to them about her day to day habits, and lying about the crucial things they may need to know to make accurate assessment? They see a patient for a limited amount of time, while sitting in an office. A physician may not know their patient falls asleep with the oven on, and burns food. They may not know their patient loses things like their apartment keys or cell phone, never to be seen from again. They may not know this person has bouts of non-rational paranoia. This physician may not know about a recent black out episode at home, that would make it dangerous for them to obtain their driver's lisence, and that their patient purposely omitted it to keep from being found out. They may not know that this person's shopping and hoarding habits are way beyond control, which means they are not exercizing proper judgment. In my loved one's case, they may not know she leaves her apartment door open, with valuables inside, where there is no monitoring and she is not close by for hours at a time. A friend visited recently introduced herself, and asked to come in. Mom quickly admitted her, without one inkling of thought about her safety. My friend commented how vulnerable Mom is to let a practical stranger into her apartment so freely. How do we protect our loved ones who don't seem to know how to protect themselves, or exercise good judgment over their own affairs? It is alarming to those of us who are concerned, only to be told we're bossy and overcontrolling. When our elders lack judgment, this can be a serious issue of vulnerability for them. Why are we accused of overstepping our bounds when they seem to lack the basic concern for their own safety? Isn't it better to ere on the side of caution, than allow one to be taken unawares?

secret sister:

absolutely it is better to err on the side of caution! i can't speak for the millions of individual elderly out there. but i can say that i've dealt intimately with 4 very different cases. for the elderly parent who is clever and even manipulative, it is exasperating the rest of us trying to intervene for safety, health, etc.

my mom had a doctor that she adored because she could, she felt, charm him. the fact was, he didn't really care. he had little interest in my opinions. but was FAR more cautious when i started attending all appointments with her.

she now has a new doctor who is far more reasonable and cares enough to not fall for any manipulations. at this point she's too weary for it and has, somewhat learned her lesson given the former doctor over prescribed statins that nearly killed her and certainly increased her dementia.

all sorts of problems due to an aging, damaged brain can cause a person to do things that are unreasonable and unsafe.

however, the reasonable younger adults -the children/caregiver(s)- need to understand that denial is a huge part of dementia. the situation is frustrating for the elder who wants to continue with the same self control and independence they have, or believed themselves to have, always had.

i've had to serve as a continual advocate for my mom in every situation all the way. unreasonable, callous doctors, greedy financial advisors, opportunistic landlords, etc. i learned the hard way through my dad's behavior through alzheimers.

it's taken A LOT for my mom to be able to come to terms that she has to consider her safety. my father never got to that point.

her doctors know everything from me as well as her. i've gained her trust by limiting my criticisms. not easy. she gains my trust by listening to me. it's a whole new relationship. but it has taken years and lots of work and patience and constant attendance.

get the valuables in a safe deposit box. get them a senior i.d. and no more driving. don't engage in an argument.
it took years for me to finally get power of attorney and it has caused a lot of problems down the line that could have been solved earlier. if you aren't persistent despite the criticisms of bossiness, etc. then the situation will get totally out of control before you know it. try try try to not take the criticisms personally. remember that their judgement is poor. that includes their judgement of you when you are trying to do the right thing. just keep doing the right thing and get help every step of the way. best of everything to you. i empathize completely.

I think it's too late for me already. The courts are taking over, at Mom's request, and will override all the good I've tried to do. I've already been told what to expect concerning Mom's estate and affairs, and the picture isn't pretty. Mother doesn't understand what I've tried to protect her from, thinking I was trying to take advantage of her. She doesn't know they can, too. They'll eat the rest of her estate with a court-appointed Guardian now, who told me she won't pay the taxes on Mom and Dad's house, etc. And if I even touch Mom's personal belongings, I'll be charged with stealing, no doubt. What a travesty of justice! Mom wants to "reward" her Pastor "friend" who is accusing me of emotional abuse, and thinks she "loves" her. Talk about undue influence!!! Mom always said she wanted everything to stay in the family, but now says she wants to sell some things and "give some money to her church." Major red flag warning!!! I also think the court will spend down her assets, and stick her in a nursing home, getting what her daughters could have had. They know we can't protect ourselves, especially with "charges" of "emotional abuse." I am the hated firstborn, who tells her doctors what she won't. With "abuse" charges, who will listen when we say she's not 100%, even if we have proof?

My husband and I have been hostages to her emotional manipulations, unreasonable expectations and increasing demands for years, now escalating to this. All because she denies she has or is the problem. So I think we are writing letters to the judge, documenting all our trials, and plead for mercy. Her lawyer has been very intimidating, and so have all her "friends," and even try entrapment? When it's an elder's word against yours, who will listen to a so-called "abuser"?

If any of you think this can't happen to you, better do your utmost to protect yourself, anyway. Anyone at anytime can say anything they want, and sometimes do. I neglected to see it coming, and didn't cover my self well enough. It may be too late for me, but a word to the wise. Thank you, dahliaseason.

Unfortunately in North Dakota there are some state laws that will not let me err on the side of caution, they want her to go to the place where she gets the LEAST amount of care necessary for her to manage. I suppose this is so Medicare will not have to
pay for the nursing home. I think it will cost them more in the long run to have someone in a place where they are not totally safe and fall and break a hip or wander off or get hurt and end up in the nursing home or state mental hospital. I just have to let the court decide and I can't interfere or I will violate state laws.

The parent turns on you b/c of denial, dementia, or just being mean. I am there with you... I am the child that's here, the one that has made the decisions, including selling his house and now accused of taking his money... it's hard being POA and making decisions w/o support of siblings. I got the POA for my dad three years ago at the same time I had to get POA for my mother, who was dying of cancer and needed nursing home care.. little did I know then what I know now. Carol's mom, I am praying for you - you learn to let it (OR TRY TO) roll off of your back... I have to stare at a photo of my sibling when I go visit my dad in the nursing home! NO PHOTO of me anywhere - I put him there!GRRR!

How about taking some pictures of you and Dad together next time you visit, as testimony to the precious times you share. I have done so, and am blessed each and every time I see them and him. It'll be good for your heart, and will probably also bring joy to his!

Good idea, Sister... but it is not precious times or good visits that we share... he yells at me and tells me everything that I am doing wrong.

imw124,
Let her go to the assisted living and then let her reap the repercussions from her own decision. Then it won't be your fault , only hers. She will get care there and when they feel she has gone past what they can provide, they will tell her she has to go to the nursing home again. Any way that you look at it, it is a win win situation.

Sorry Gigglebox. I have a loved one who does that. I know how much it hurts, no matter how we try to rationalize or understand it. But there are those who care, and that helps us through the valleys. I will guess he's just blind to who you are and what you try to do. I will guess you're probably doing much more right than wrong. Please take care of you, and be gentle with yourself.

Thank you Sister... I read your post after my posting... I cannot imagine what you are going through... my dad fell went to hospital and then to nursing home for rehab... he liked it so well that he stayed there... medically, nothing really wrong... just aging and some dementia showing up now... basically lazy.. and my brother is clueless about it all.. yes, it hurts and we have to gentle with ourself. We are only responsible for our actions n reactions, I say... I am trying to let things roll off my back, but after a while you get tired... You get by with a little help from your friends and a lotta help from God!

I was looking into assisted living, medical bracelets, etc.. when I found my dad in the floor.. NOTHING prepares you for the road ahead... to have the legal system involved is unreal... I cannot imagine!

Thanks, Gigglebox. Love that "lotta help from God" part! Beyond that, one day at a time. And I know what you mean about "nothing preparing us for the road ahead." Avoid the legal system at all costs I was told, but saw no other way. Now I'm wishing I had heeded that advice. But we accomplished some great things along the way. Perhaps this is just a wrinkle in the road, and God will make a way for something greater. One never knows what a day may bring forth. Keep your sweet spirit no matter what comes your way.

You just made my day, Sister! My mom was known to have a "sweet spirit" and to have inherited that means the world to me! You have a good attitude as well - we all know what is important - what matters, what counts, and what gets us through! Doesn't always make it easier, but we have that faith to get through the "wrinkles" in the road. I am documenting everything in case I am questioned down the road - b/c I have been warned by a friend who never thought her bro would ? her power of attorney decisions! I haven't heeded all of her advice, but I have been warned and it scares me!

Bless you sweet Gigglebox! You have made my day, as well. Thank you. Will be praying for you. Hugs!

Gigglebox.. I understand completely. I also do not get to share precious times anymore. I get yelled at, told that I am mean, told that she should be my top priority (I have two children and a husband), berated cuz my kids and husband don't want to be around hr anymore.. she cries hysteriacally almost daily. No matter what I do, it is not enough, she doesn't like where she lives, but when I offer to find her a new place, she doesn't want to go. We have moved across country twice on her demands.. but she always likes the last place better and can't figure out why we moved...
I gets worse daily. I am an only child and feel like I must continue with what I'm doing, but it is definitely ruining my life with my husband and children.
Everyday I feel like I have tomake a choice over who I am going to be with.
Today, we are all going out to eat together. I am scared todeath. She will cry in restaurant or make me and family feel like sh* cuz she feels like sh**.
I think constantly about how long this is going to continue, but am unable to just drop her...

They turn on you because they don't know any better. We all think we'll do better, but the truth is, when you have dementia, you don't KNOW it. Don't let it get to you and, as Jesus prayed from the cross, "forgive them, for they know not what they do." THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S EASY, though, so, if you find you can't deal with it anymore, then you should try to make changes that are best for them. Your parent won't ever "give you permission" to place them somewhere they don't want to be. But, they don't turn on you on purpose. Good luck. I know what you're going through.

I think that they turn on us because we are the only ones left. They have alienated all the rest who have taken off for the hills!!!!!!!!

Off for the hills, indeed... or PROMISED LAND as I have heard it called by my brother... Dede, I am so praying for you and praying that all went well yday -at least you take her out - I don't dare do that. He sits in his room all day - even to eat... and when I go visit him I catch him in the tv room with other people??? Guilt trip, yes... again, I am learning to let it roll! I do not take my husband or kids nor do I make them tolerate him... he's to the point of not asking anymore whether it is dementia or uncaring, who knows... but he snaps at me five times as much with company around so I just said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and quit trying... I have stole his wallet, sold his house, and have all his money... according to him... really, I am trying to save his assets, in more ways than one. I am just grateful that he does like it where he is, despite his complaining! Just the way he is!

Yes, "stealing assests, and taking everything away," and charged with worse... However much we try to "help," makes us more the enemy as we capture the spoils and liquidate their assets "for their care," which we've imposed. It seems their perspective is so much different than our own. They lash out, as all they have ever known or worked for is divided, and given to another. Their health and all their worldly wealth and possessions slide off into the abyss. We hold the keys, their livelihood, and their possessions in our hands, trying to convince them that we are there to help. Oh, how terrifying it must seem to our vulnerable elders! To lose control of everything, and watch helplessly from the sidelines, as the ones whom they once cared for, and now plundering through pockets, drawers, closets, cupboards, garages and attics, and dividing up the goods. As everything is stripped away, we marvel at their angst and bitter complaints. How could they be so ungrateful for all we're trying to do to help them? Who will ease their mind and comfort them in their grief, as we drive away their vehicles and sell their home? Who will cry with them, and hold their hand, as friends and loved ones die or stay away? Who can understand what life is like in a tiny room shared by strangers, who've also lost their moorings and their all? And who will be their advocate, when they are forced to eat unfamiliar food, swallow medications doled out at scheduled times by harried nurses? Who will understand that they tire of Bingo and special activities, forced therapies and endless evaluations? Who will visit when they're lonely, and comfort them when afraid? How can we understand their embarrassment and their shame, as they are forced to undress and shower with the assistance of some "hired" Caregiver, or worse their own babies they helped to raise?

We "guiltily" take time out of our oh-so-busy schedules to bring cards, flowers, and balloons, or play idle games; then leave when we tire of their company. Where do they get to go when they tire of their surroundings, or the same ole TV shows? We assuage our consciouses by saying they have poor attitudes for no reason, and that we aren't to blame. How can they be so ungrateful? They're forced to dine with strangers, who may not enjoy them either, but share a common plight. Yes, it might pay to remember that this was not their choice. They didn't ask for failing health, or necessarily for our assistance, and sometimes cannot see the need. I wonder what it's like to have friends and family come, bringing photographs and memorabelia that remind them of all they've lost? Oh, I shuddder to think what that must feel like, and at the thought of my own hardness or insensitivity in unknowingly adding to my once-capable loved one's demise and distress.

Please forgive me, as I didn't come here to criticize anyone other than myself, and share what God has laid upon my sometimes cold and unfeeling heart. I justify my own behavior, and say it's for their good. How can it be good for those we say we love? What does it feel like to be at the complete mercy of others; slaves to health and mental conditions over which they have absolutely no control? What would it feel like to be stuck in a nasty hospital bed, in a tiny room, watching the world go by staring as they pass, and passing judgment should one happen to complain? Oh how humiliating it must be, and how heartless we can become. Better to cry and weep for those we love, than say we do, and just ignore the cry of their heart at the injustices they must face. Do we love our elders? How do we count the ways???

I stand accused, condemned, and without defense at times. And who am I to complain? For someday, I may be that lonely, helpless soul, just crying out for mercy and for grace. I may be the one scorned, despised, rejected or forgotten, and left alone to die. Who will take the time to understand? Who will lend a helping hand? Who will soothe my fears and dry my eyes, and hold me when I die?

Yucky, isn't it?

WELL YES IT BUT THATS SOMETHING SOME OF US WILL HALF TO FACE. MY CHILDREN PROMISE ME THEY WOULDN'T DO THIS TO ME BECAUSE THEY SEEN HOW THEIR GR FATHER WAS BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE THEY GOT FIRST HAND OF WHAT ALZ IS MY FATHER WAS A PATIENT ALZ PERSON FROM THE BEGINNING TIL I MOVE OUT NOW I KNOW HE TURNED ON MY SISTER WHEN I MOVE OUT AND SHE MOVED IN HE GOT MORE AGGITATED AND REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING THATS WHY HE DIED CAUSE THEY TOOK FROM HIM WE GET TREATED AUFUL FROM OUR PARENTS SOMETIMES I KNOW IT WAS CERTAIN TIMES WITH MY MOM AND SHE WASN'T EVEN THAT SICK SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING BUT DAD NEVER DID HE TREATED ME NO WRONG OR WASN'T MEAN TO ME ...YES ITS SCARY TO THINK HOW WE ALL OUR GONNA TURN OUT HOPING OUR CHILDREN DON'T PUT US IN A NURSING HOME BUT YOU DNT KNOW HOW WE WILL TURN OUT...NONE OF US DO

I didn't mean to turn your thoughts to me, because most of my posts have been about my complaints about those who I am supposedly "caring for," and their complaints about me. I was trying to see life from their perspective, at least for a moment, but then it turned back to me.

I want to hold that view in mind, when dealing with their complaints and accusations against me. I want to remember that they are complaining for a reason, and sometimes that reason is me. Are my loved ones complaints justified? Have I done anything to help or ease their cares? That is the question, and it's not about me.

Secretsister, you are an incredibly compassionate and understanding lady. How well you say what we all have running through our heads. And scarily, that is the fate that awaits some of us out here....

YES I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WAS SAYING I READ THE PAIN OF OTHERS I WAS COMMENTING ON IT LIKE I SAID NOE OF US KNOW HOW WERE GONNA TURN OUT I JUST HOPE I LIVE THAT LONG TO EXPERIENCE IT BUT HOPEFULLY NOT AS BAD

Sister,
Wow!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, you are amazing. I cherish your posts and know that you are a truly compassionate woman who feels for those who may have even been the cause of your pain. You are so right. How does my mom feel? Do I listen to her fears enough? How will we feel? Will we get good care?? What does the future hold for us? All I know is that I am taking steps to insure my daughter's happiness and my comfort and financial stability. Thank you for always being here for me and the others who come here for solace and great comfort. You indeed are a true treasure.
Linda

Secret Sister, you have further added to my guilt... I am kidding!No seriously.. you have made me think things a little differently today... but I get mad at my dad b/c I know he could do better - he was once so social and critical and there is some bitterness on my part, yes... and some sympathy for him after reading that post of yours... You have opened my eyes and made me and the entire Sandwich Generation see things differently... May God bless you in what you just shared... it is hard to put yourself in those shoes! He was waited on hand and foot all of his life and he still is! There goes the bitterness again.. sorry! Pray for me.. I am trying to understand and be better as I re-read your post, Sister! It's easier to GRRR, however... ha!

It wasn't meant to hurt anyone but me! I was afraid someone would take it this way. Sorry, Gigglebox.

You DID NOT hurt my feelings in no way... you just really got me thinking and the shoe on my feet, so to speak.. don't be so hard on yourself, Sister... Read your wall yet? You just said some things that needed to be said and that I needed to hear... and sometimes the truth hurts...yes, but it is the truth and it was said in love...you have reminded me to be a little gentler and a little kinder and to try to understand a little better. That's not always easy for me, that's all. SO THANKS I NEEDED THAT!

WELL....I DIDNT