My mother refuses to social distance. I am in the Chicago area. Over the last month she was preparing to move, selling her home and selling things online. She had a parade of people through her house to sell things putting her at risk. Going up and talking to any neighbor she can find. Her senior home help person has been coming. The helper doesn't have a car so she brings her husband who works at a grocery store (yes a grocery store). She finally moved into an apartment a couple days ago. I thought it was all over and she would social distance. She tells me she needs the home helper and her husband to help her set up her place. She is now in a different county and she is going to pay the home helper and husband directly to help her. I have told her over and over again what is going on and that she needs to social distance and not allow anyone into her home. She is putting my wife and kids in jeopardy for needlessly exposing herself to a grocery store worker. How to I explain I can't continue to try to help her if she continues this and will not come to her house and expose myself to her and people she keeps coming in contact with. She also says outlandish things like she is going to get her nails done when she knows full well they are closed. It is like she is just trying to ignore everything that is happening and enjoys get me riled up about it.
Thanks
Derek333, you will have to stay away most likely to protect your loved ones if your mom refuses to listen to the rules we are being given by our president, governors and mayors. Good luck to you.
I tell my mom the updated news every day. I say no when she calls me later and ask if I am going to the grocery store tomorrow. I tell her I just dropped your
groceries off today at your door but I will add it to my list for next week. Call me when you think of anything else you want added to it.
She is a sociaI bunny so I told her prior that I want to remain healthy and not coming in because you or your friends may have been exposed. I can't talk right now. I will call you later. I love you. Bye!
I hope and pray none of them get the virus but it may become a reality. Maybe then she will understand the severity and make the right choice for herself and others others. Until then I am staying firm on my boundaries.
People are very good at fooling themselves about rules. "I will comply with social distancing rules because I am a good citizen and a responsible householder.* But it doesn't count if you really want your new sofa - that makes it perfectly all right to sit in a van for an hour with your buddy."
* I have trouble with this because he and his lady partner are so very, very young. To me they look like children.
I would use some of the suggestions below to try and stress to her the possible ramifications of her decisions and certainly tell her what would make you feel more secure about her safety, I would also be very clear about what risks you are and aren’t willing to take for your own family and if that means not exposing yourself (and therefore your family) to her as long as she’s exposing herself to higher risk people so be it. Don’t present it as a threat in any way, in fact you could just say “oh Sally and her husband are coming to help? I guess I won’t come then, I really can’t justify that possible exposure to the kids. Maybe we can visit via Skype (or whatever virtual means) until it’s safer”. She’s making her decisions for herself and you are making them for yourself and family. When she makes suggestions or asks about you coming over for instance when the helper couple isn’t around tell her the CDC says virus can stay on surfaces and someone can carry the virus without being sick for 2 weeks so you need to wait until she has been quarantined for 2 weeks from them. Simply talk about the precautions you have decided to follow and how they apply to her, we are getting groceries deliver and always wearing a mask when we go out...and wear a mask around her always explaining that you don’t want to be the cause of her getting the virus... No confrontational and nothing that could be heard as condescending, just the information you have sifted through and recommendations you and your family have chosen to follow and of course those being enforced by your state.
Then here is probably the hardest part, you need to let go of the things you can’t control, let your mom take the risks she chooses to and follow through on what you need to do to protect the people you can. Just because she makes the choice to have her helpers come in doesn’t mean they are more important to her than you and your family or that she is willing to risk your families health, it may even be more that she doesn’t believe you will follow through with your need to stay away or her bubble makes her feel more secure than she should and she doesn’t see it as the risk you do “Mom knows best” which is part of the reason I stress giving her the facts as you know them and letting her come to her own conclusions not fighting her on it or trying to bend her to your way. Good luck, all you can do is the best you can under the circumstances, it will never be perfect! Stay well.
truth
Do you think she understands the severity of the situation? Is that the problem?
My folks still have carers making house calls (needed) & were still shopping too. We've had a few chats about minimising all the risks they can. Setting up deliveries where possible etc.
I get you would be worried for your Mother's safety, but am not clear why it endangers you, your wife or kids? You don't visit her. She doesn't visit you right? If so, stop now. Doesn't have to be a threat like 'stop this Mother or I won't see you'. Just "we are not visiting for a while. It's safer for ALL of us".
It is extremely frustrating for you. I get that but you shouldn’t go see her. You know this. You acknowledge this. You don’t have any problem understanding the situation yourself. She is the one with the problem. Leave it there. Let it go. Don’t make it your problem any longer. You are wasting your breath and upsetting yourself.
Can you think of anyone else that could speak to her that she may possibly listen to? Can you type up a letter with a warning that looks official and would scare her? Or would she ignore that too?
Review Officer went to see her next day with a view to ending service. Problem: client insists she needs one call a day. As she herself told me yesterday: our visits make her feel safe. In vain did I explain to her that, on the contrary, we are putting her at risk. "Just knowing you're coming" she said, gives her peace of mind. I suggested a phone call instead. Her family already does that.
She has anxiety. She has angina. Angina causes anxiety, anxiety causes angina. If ending service stresses her out so badly that when the paramedics are called her bp is up around 190 systolic (today) ...
What the heck are we to do?
Quarantining works, for sure. In fact it's a no-brainer - as long as *all* you have to consider is disrupting the spread of this virus. Not every exceptional case is as extreme as this one, either. Before long we will have to consider the unintended consequences of quarantining in more depth.
I would not endanger myself by going to see her.
"It is like she is just trying to ignore everything that is happening and enjoys get me riled up about it."
She wouldn't be the first to ignore the dangers, and she's certainly not the only one. There are people who are much more defiant than she is. But that doesn't justify the attitude.
Sometimes just being frank and saying something to remind her that it's her life she's exposing, and her life that's in danger if she does contract the virus, and that you wouldn't even be allowed to visit her might help her to recognize the dire situation in which we're all in.
OTOH, some people need to push themselves to defy reality, as if they're not able to recognize that we all live finite lives and none of us are beyond exposure.
You might try that attitude, that she's making her own decisions and will be responsible for her own care if she becomes infected, then back off and see if she changes. She may just enjoy the attention she gets from provoking you.
But I would be concerned if she doesn't have her final papers and wishes documented in an appropriate Will. W/o being callous, my understanding is that DNR orders aren't necessarily required for CV patients as hospitals are already at the point of having to triage patients in terms of life and death.
Do you have the phone number of the helper? If so, I would call her and tell her she needs to take every precaution she needs to to keep Mom safe. Thats washing her hands when she comes into Moms house. Keeping her coat and items away from Moms. Wearing a mask. And allowing No One into the apt and that means her husband. Because he is still working, he is a risk to your mother. If this helper is from an agency, call them and tell them Mom is being put at risk because of the husband. To please have helper stop allowing husband in and she is to be abiding by all precautions.
Now for you and family. You should not be entering Moms apt. You all should be staying at home. Only going out when in need of food or excercize. If Mom needs anything, you leave it outside her apt door.
Not sure why people don't understand what "stay in place" means. Can't do much about Mom. But u can protect your family.
I'm not being flippant - I genuinely can't see what else you can do. I also can't see what your mother needs you to be there for, seeing as she has all the little helpers she seems to want.
Besides. Unless you have a really, really good reason to be in somebody's house, you shouldn't be entering it anyway.