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My 82-year old mother moved in to live with us 7 years ago. My husband and I are both 61 and employed full-time in professional careers. We would like to retire in a few years and would like to invest in a few home improvements while we are still employed. My mother was raised in nice homes with others taking care of maintenance, so she never worried about taking care of a home. Our home is an older home that requires a lot of maintenance inside and out. Our living room carpet should have been replaced when we bought the home 8 years ago but we decided to wait. It has since been water damaged twice due to a dishwasher malfunction. It’s also time for fresh paint and updated window treatments. We’ve been getting estimates, and my mother is acting like her life is being threatened. She refuses to allow us to replace the carpet or paint because of VOC’s. We’re also pricing hardwood floors, and that’s a big “no” for her as well because of the sealant. We had to have insect treatment earlier this year to control an ant infestation, and she’s never let us hear the end of what she’s decided was a “bad idea” and “stupid move”. She is physically healthy and still mostly self-sufficient, but has recently been diagnosed with MCI (mild cognitive disorder). I’m trying to find the middle ground so everyone gets what they want, but no luck so far. Any ideas/suggestions?

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It’s YOUR home . Mom has NO say .

If she doesn’t like the accomadations you provide , she can go live in assisted living , which may be a good idea , since she is only going to become more difficult with dementia coming on .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Yes. My suggestion is for mother to stop the nonsense with regard to VOCs in YOUR home or find a lovely Assisted Living facility to live in that also has Memory Care attached, for later on when her dementia worsens. She doesn't get a say in what renovations YOU decide to do in the house. Remind her you've never heard of anyone dying from new carpet or paint going up in a home. She can cozy up in her bedroom for the duration of the installation and the work projects.

Good luck.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Next time mom brings any of that up, tell her “You really sound like you would be happier somewhere else while all this is going on. We will work on moving you someplace else.” And that’s it. The more she crabs, the more you talk about a facility. Might be a Medicaid one if she was dumb enough at 82 to have no money at all.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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If you want to split the difference you can purchase non-voc interior house paints. If not, the voc's dissipate in about 6 months. I'm guessing you can find less toxic sealant for your floors as well. If she has funds, then I'd tell her she can pay for the extra cost of those "green" products since she's the only one who cares about it.

Does she have a relative she can go visit for a while so she's gone during the improvements? Maybe don't even tell her what's going on since she doesn't seem to handle the very thought of the changes.

Is she on any meds for anxiety or depression? If not it may be time to think about this, before you consider trying to transition her into a facility or hire in-home companion aids to keep her busy and thinking about other things.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Bellnik663, welcome to the forum. Actually I can understand your Mom's situation as I am hyper-sensitive to certain glues, fibers, paints. I know people love that new car smell, not me... it the vinyl gases and new carpeting that one is smelling. I remember years ago any new electrical device brought into the house I could smell for months on end... today's devices don't have that smell anymore, thank goodness.


I can't even wear nail polish without feeling like I have the flu. There are certain clothing stores where I can smell the "sizing" used on new clothes the minute I walk through the door.


There are paints today that have no smell, they are No-VOC paints. Have someone take Mom out for the day, and quickly paint one small room (like a laundry room) and see if Mom notices any smell later.


As for carpeting. I remember when growing up we had wool carpeting which was fine, no VOC issues. Search around, you should be able to find really nice no VOC or low VOC. It will be a lot healthier also for your and your hubby.


Ah, the glue that is used to put down flooring.... makes my eyes water just thinking about it. Have you considered a "floating hardwood floor"? Or wait until your Mom moves to Memory Care later down the road.


Is this issue with your Mom a more recent one or has she had this sensitivity to VOC all her life? If it is more within the past decade or so, you need to consider that you may develop this later on. I had inherited mine from my Dad who had it most of his life.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Remind Mom who's house it is! If she is going to complain with high drama, then she can find somewhere else to live.
Mom knows carpet is basically a dirt sponge. You can always get luxury laminate floors, versus hardwood. Her excuses are weak. These are all attempts to control your lives, and out of line.

If she's self-sufficient, she can find her own place to live. Her opinions shouldn't matter at all.

Is her name on the mortgage? Does she pay to live there?
Bottom line, your house, your money.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Freqflyer IS sensitive to some of these products. Not many people are, or they would not stay on the market! Does your mother have track record of being sensitive herself? If not, this is a control issue, perhaps pushed on by reading all about ‘nasties’ that are going to kill us all.

It should be obvious to M that this is not her home and she is not able to make the decisions about it. If she is not even acknowledging this, it is an early sign of a control issue that will only get worse. My suggestion is that you start a slow process of finding somewhere else for her to live. Take her to visit two or three AL places. Go ahead with the house work, and let her know that if she does in fact have a bad reaction to any of the products, she can choose where it would be best for her to move to. You don’t expect that she will need to, but you are willing to have a back-up plan in case she is guessing right about the potential problems.

One more thing - you said she "refuses to allow". It's not down to her to "allow" or to "refuse". If that's the way you think about it, you need to sort out your own ideas as well as hers!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Stop discussing this around Mom. She really has no say even though she has lived with u for 7 years. Maybe you can find a contractor who can do all your repairs in a week or two. Thats when you see if an AL will take Mom for that time. If Mom has the being of Dementia, it will only worsen. By the time you retire, she may need to be placed so you can enjoy that retirement.

It is your house. She really has no say.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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We did work on mom’s home (POA) arranging small jobs 1 at a time and had mom stay at a HGI in a two room suite overnight and with her aide during the day. Rally family and ancillary support and stage the renos
top down (floors last). Aging.com site has staffing agencies and other resources to support you and mom -
of course if she has LTC insurance, financial stability or others she can stay with while work is done that’d be good too - takes a village to do this-
the time for you and hubby to enlist Yours is now.
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Reply to AliOJ58
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