My Dad’s health is declining. My Mom is in such good shape I have to remind myself she’s 80 years old! She’s starting to doubt her ability to care for him. He requires a lot of care. Not bed-ridden but limited mobility due to heart condition. It’s very hard on them both as both were very active until the last few years when his health became an issue. He, of course, feels awful that he can’t do what he once did & that so much falls to her. She feels awful that he feels bad. Does it sound weird to say they are so cute together in this??? It’s heart-breaking & heart-warming at the same time. They are relying on me more & more & I’m honored that they do. They deserve the best of everything. The problem is that I’m stressing about the amount of work I’m missing increasingly due to helping with his doctors appointments & such. I’ve got a wonderful boss...but only so much leave from work. Yes, I have a sister but she lives an hour away & is sort of in her own world. I guess my question is, anyone else in the same boat? How to tactfully, lovingly suggest its time for outside in-home care? My Dad seems more receptive to the idea than my Mom. Oh yeah, they’re preparing to sell ‘the home place’. They’ve been there 43 years. They’ll be moving from a bit of acreage to a condo type community. At least that’s the plan. Another tough adjustment! Thank you all...
Whatever you decide to do will be made with that heart and it will work out for all. You are a treasure to your family.
Remember though, it is okay to ask for help and to share a burden that has become to heavy. Hugs!
A few years ago, we realized that we could not maintain our lovely home in New Hampshire. He would not be driving much longer. We needed to change our lifestyle.
This is is what we did. We found a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC). This is more supportive than choosing a condo. They provide independent living for those who choose this life style and assistance for those people who want/need it - but they are designed for seniors. Most provide free transportation, a wellness center, a meal plan ,etc. Of course, it is safe, no stairs, emergency cords etc. We have a pool and fitness center and activities for your choosing. I swim a lot. Transportation to the grocery store or doctors is a big relief. I drive sometimes and use the ‘company car’ for other trips. Different facilities offer slightly different plans, but, basically, there is support for seniors.
The import word here is “continuing “. You can be as independent as you like, but they will have a skilled nursing or assisted living available, so if one of us has hip surgery or becomes ill, there is medical care on the premises. There is a lot of information how to cope with our special needs. Perhaps you may need extra care after an illness or physical therapy, etc.
Is it perfect? No, but it is better than being alone and stressed out. My mantra is “it’s the wisest thing we can do at this time of our lives”
I strongly suggest this choice over a condo. It is designed to support seniors. I would check it out.
I am so with you on your choices, well done!
there are 2 bedroom suites and you can have your own car- come and go as u please. My dad said even the mail at home was over whelming for him, my brother does his mail and bill paying. Dad has made many new friends and seems to be enjoying the last few years of his life.... and we sleep really good at night knowing his needs are being met ❤️
Second, I would have a very frank discussion with your mother about your father's care needs and her ability to meet them. If she has begun to "doubt" her ability then it's most likely because there are needs she is struggling with now. An elderly couple in my neighborhood have a male care giver coming to the home most mornings to assist the post stroke husband with bathing, shaving, and dressing. His wife can assist transfers during the day and two sons rotate coming by to aid preparation for bed. Maybe your mother needs some similar in home support.
Third, I would look for an adult day care program for your father, even if just a couple of days a week. It would provide socialization for your father and a respite for your mother (which is increasing important as the care giving load and duration increases).
And finally, I agree with previous posters that your parents most likely need AL or some other supported care arrangement. Although your mother's health seems to be very solid now, care giving exerts a tremendous amount of physical and mental stress. I saw this break my own mother's health as she continued to care for my father in their home even after her doctor recommended she reduce her care giving load. AL would provide someone else to handle the heavy lifting and allow your mother to return to being _just_ a wife again. She could participate in her previous activities or AL outings without worrying about your father. Your father may like seeing your mother more active again too. Transportation to appointments can often be arranged through an AL too.
Whenever considering AL it's good to consider progressive care facilities so that if either parent eventually needs more than AL, he/she can move to a different "wing" of the facility while the other is still at most just a short walk away.
Also, an hour away is not so far. Tell your sister you need some help with scheduled appointments so you don't put your job in jeopardy. Let her handle some tasks that have a date and time since last minute would be more difficult.
By the time they get to the condo, maybe you will have some of the dr appts figured out with sister's help and identify some others to ease in to more hours to help out around the house. No matter what house they live in, your mom is obviously needing a little help
What is the "condo-type community"? If your mother is perhaps thinking it will be adequate because perhaps it is one-level living, she needs to think again (with your help). They simply MUST plan for more help.
Time to set your boundaries now. Tell them you simply cannot take time off from work. People talk a lot about volunteers doing all sorts of things (rides, accompanying to doctor appointments, sitting with elders so the primary caregiver can get out, etc.). Maybe it's just my area, but I don't see a lot of volunteers doing these tasks (at least I don't see them doing the appointments, shopping; don't know if there are volunteer visitors in homes). People around here are utilizing the handicap transit or, (most often) a family member (usually a daughter, of course) is doing the transporting and taking around. Sometimes it's a paid caregiver. I would be very hesitant to haul elders around to appointments on a volunteer basis, for fear of what could happen if there was an accident.
Will your parents realize enough money from the sale of "the home place" to be able to take care of their own needs? Everyone really needs to be looking at the plan for down the road. You are going to be it if there isn't good long-range planning being done now.
The fact is, and the reason you give, you may not miss this much work. I promise you can’t miss the amount of work that will be required. In our area, there’s something called GoGo Grandma, an Uber focused on seniors. Use your valuable time now to get your mom finding resources, that’s the love and support you can provide.
As geaton referred to, you may want to browse this site. It’s great well beyond the ability to make your own posts. Best wishes!
Whilst it is great they are considering downsizing - I agree that it would make sense to move where, if or as their support needs increase these can continue to be catered for without the added burden on yourself or your mum to find and pay for further support.
Unfortunately most support is usually on one sibling with others busy with their own lives. I used to do my work reports between 23.00 and 01.30 every night after caring and somehow be up at 05.30 again!
Hope you can find a suitable volunteer to help with the appointments. Best of luck to your lovely parents in their quest for a new place - moving is a stressful event.
Regards,
How to suggest it's time for outside in-home help? What is their objection? The price? The loss of some privacy? The feeling of dependency? With my 2 90+ yr old aunties, they were very resistant. I did the homework in advance before talking to them. You can show them prices, vet different services, tell your dad you'll request a guy as an aid. They don't have to have a ton of care at first and they can quit it at any time.
Also, not sure if a condo is the right move. A full-spectrum senior community is more appropriate so they won't have to up-end themselves again as your dad requires more and more attention. Eventually in-home care will exceed the cost of a facility and then family is left juggling the complexities of multiple caregivers and the attendant issues. They will need time to reconcile this possibility, as many people tend to romanticize their aging journey. But they seem like reasonable people. Good luck!
Lasting love and devotion is so heartwarming and beautiful to behold, aren't you the lucky one to have parents that love one another and want to care for one another.