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my mother has become the same way . no purpose in life no enjoyment she is on antidepressant but wants to stay in bed and no longer get up and fights due to dementia when you get her up and many days is talking to people who are not there all day . I work from home I have been blessed and have her here with me we have a care giver that comes in and nurses come in . Is there a way to get someone to visit him daily to pull him out of his shell : Is he hostile ? we have decided not to get mom up when she doesn't want to she is 91 and its her life and its not worth fighting her . but she doesn't know if she is coming or going is your dad affected with dementia or just depressed and no purpose ? Or tired?
Hi Honest Abe1, it could very well be that Your Dad is tired from the constant battles through Life. Sometimes Our very Elderly loose the will to continue, and want to let go. Thirty years from now that could be Me. I'd say cherish every breathing moment, and all You can do is to be there for Your Dad. Peace to You and Your Dad.
There is nothing to do but assure your Dad you love him, and give him your "permission" to let go and die in peace. Talk to him about the good times and memories, and let him talk too. If you don't have hospice, get it NOW.
A truly wonderful book about facing the end of loves ones' and out own lives is by Atul Gawande, MD, called "Being Mortal". We're all going to die - and there is no cure for old age. You must find a way to accept this.
This is tough for you, I know, and I'm sorry that you have to cope with it.
Still, I agree that there may not be a lot you can do. People often know when their life is done. We need to freely give our love and support, make certain that they have what they need and want, and make sure they aren't in pain. If a doctor can give them a magic pill to help them feel better, fine, but an antidepressant isn't magic and some do more harm than good. They often take experimentation.
You don't say anything about dementia. Regardless, we will all die. There is a time when it's over and I believe that when your elderly loved ones get to that time, and nothing medically can be done, that feeling should be respected. Don't make him feel guilty or force company on him he doesn't want. You can try things but know when to leave him in peace. He may need that time to make his own emotional transition to his passing.
Keep reading for a variety of opinions and take care of yourself. You've done well. Carol
In my experience, people often seem to "know" when their time is up. Some choose to fight it, tooth and nail (my FIL had skin cancer and aggressively txed that, although he was simply weeks away from dying from Leukemia)..we didn't argue with him. All you can do is show your love and let them go in peace. My own daddy just "quit"--well, the Parkinson's did that for him, but once he refused to eat and couldn't even swallow more than a sip of water in an hour....we embraced the passage that we call death and let him go. Dad didn't want anyone but close family, FIL wanted to "party" til the end. To each his/her own. Respect his wishes and love him.
Abe, respect his choice, honor him for what he's done for you, and make the most of his last days. Set aside any other obligations and spend it with him, reminiscing about good times, expressing your gratitude for what he's brought to your life.
In my view, that would be the best gift you could give him at this time. Accept his decision, as it is in fact his decision.
Death is often looked at with fear. It is, however, a natural part of the life process & something that we will all face eventually. How we face that eventuality is a personal thing, you know? My 91 year old Dad fought a very valiant battle until the doctor told him his brain tumor had grown & there was nothing that could be done medically. From that moment, my father lived 2 weeks & 5 days: he gave up the fight & he decided his life on Earth was over. What could I do about it? Absolutely nothing, except love him & make him as comfortable as possible. We had a long talk about fear, and Dad reassured me he was not afraid, which brought me great comfort. Hospice was absolutely wonderful, and they made him comfortable and unafraid right to the very end. Dad left on HIS terms, and I have no regrets about how his end-of-life care was handled.
Wishing you all the best; but above all, Acceptance of your father's wishes.
First ask if there is any dementia involved. It could be vascular due to circulation deficits to his brain. There is an emotional despair which can accompany this type of dementia, & it can last for many years. I have experienced it with my husband who is now 87 and is on in home hospice care. When a person has functioned as a high powered professional, this type of deterioration takes an incredible toll on their ego and personality. They may feel helpless, worthless, and hopeless.. It is very hard to accept this, so seeing a therapist can help you. You can ask the doctor about meds for depression, but these may not work either. In my husband's case they just complicated his problem with' hypotension' (low b/p), and his likelihood for falls increased. The most important thing you can give is love and attention to his needs.
Two things we did with my Aunt who was in the same position was, we played videos of her favorite TV comedies. After a few days, she actually began to chuckle and we think it helped take her mind off of her misery. The other was always offering her favorite desserts. Some days yes...some days no. But, we think it helped her some.
I agree with all the above if the elder truly is going down hill at the end of their life.. physically and perhaps mentally with dementia. I don't agree however if this elder is just depressed and is not physically or mentally at the end of their rope.
For instance, if the elder is in decent shape and just depressed.... just like a younger person could be... I think they should be seen by a doctor to treat his depression?
(sorry if there were more details and I just missed them)
II wo uld reiterate what some others have said: Show and t ell him how much you love him. If there were bad times (and we all have had them) tell him you forgive him for anything said or done, and make sure he knows you love and respect him. If he is a person of faith, have someone, a pastor, priest or whatever, come to spend some time with him. That is all you can do. Bless you.
The Hospice nurse told me about her observations of people just hanging on for their loved ones. The last day of my mom's life she was unable to speak, eat or drink. Until then I had stayed with her, day and night, for about two weeks at the ALF. She was alert and able to communicate until that last day. She and I truly enjoyed being together. We always sang our favorite songs along with her CDs. We reminisced, laughed and cried. I was so fortunate to have time with her before we knew it was time to call Hospice. Even then, the nurse gave us privacy, but was always available. When she told me mom's breathing had changed, I knew what she meant. I held mom's hands and told her I had heard that people in her stage of life could see their loved ones on the other side. I then assured her that if she were ready to join them, it was OK with me. I told her how much I loved her and my dad for loving me and giving me the tools I needed to have a good life. I told her how much I would miss her if it were her time, but that I would be OK. She really loved my husband, so I reminded her of his love for her and for me and that I had him and a full life. Once I had given her permission to leave and assured her I would be OK, she took one breath and slipped away. I am an only child, and mom had always told friends and family, she hated to leave me "alone." I believe she was waiting to hear me say the things she needed to hear before she would let go. So, as many others have advised you to do, devote yourself to being with your dad in positive ways. When his time comes, he will know how much he was loved, and you will be at peace when the inevitable lonliness sets in. My heart and prayers are with you. I still miss my mom, but I have special memories to cherish forever. I hope some of us have let you know you are not alone. Love your dad and enjoy your time with him.
Carl Gustav Jung has some observations on aging. In para-phrasing, he says: ... "When one is young their energy is used to help others, i.e, children, spouses, parents, friends. As we age and our energy weakens, any and all energy must be applied to ourselves." As we grow older our bodies and minds become our 'job.' Remind your dad that he still has a job to do. (my take) Arnie G
When someone is nearing the end of life, hospice can not only help them remain comfortable. They can help the family understand what will help and what will only drag out misery.
Our society has a hard time accepting that we all die and that there are worse things than death. Obviously, if someone is depressed or has other issues that could be helped with medication, that should be tried. But when elderly people know that their time is coming, I believe that offering our love and traveling the journey with them is the thing to do. Is it hard? Yes. But for many, dying is a process and our support along the way is the strongest method of providing love. The end result can be beautiful. It's the cycle of life.
For everyone going through this, my heart is with you. I've been through it and will go through it again. Take care, Carol
I agree with all of the above also. Acceptance of death and support of loved ones in their own journey are bases of emotional health in relationships..... I also had a stepfather who had a terrible heart condition, refused surgery, said he was ready to die and this was his last year -- for ten years, he said that regularly.
I don't believe people give up. I believe they accept the inevitable and that actually makes the end more comfortable. Some people struggle to keep on so it is important to find out the reasons they are trying so hard not to allow nature to take it's course. Sometimes there is a big event coming up like the birth of a baby or maybe a wedding or someone coming home from the military. At other times there is a wrong they need to make right. Here is where a paster can often help. Even non believers often want to turn to the Lord at the very end. If you know a reason for the struggle by all means do all you can to facilitate your loved ones wishes. In general let the loved one set the pace. Few people go to sleep and don't wake up much as we wish that would happen. Two stories I have. Our Insurance agent simply died in his sleep. His wife noticed he was not snoring and when she checked sure enough he was dead. The other one was an old lady who wanted to see her grand daughter in a concert. That really was not possible so we arranged for the little girl to come to the home in her costume and sing to Grandma and during the concert someone videoed the concert and the whole family sat round grandma's bed and watched it together. it was actually a beautiful death. When the funeral home came to collect the body the little 3 year old skipped through the house behind the gurney saying "Goodbye grandma"
LindaSusan, if you are speaking of yourself, unless your are dying from an illness where there is no cure, I'd encourage you to talk with a counselor or spiritual leader - anyone - about why you feel this way.
A crisis center can help. People who feel that there is reason to keep on can start enjoying life more eventually. They often need help in the transition. This is different from some of is in the last weeks of a disease. Please do reach out to someone local so you can talk it out. Blessings, Carol
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
There is nothing to do but assure your Dad you love him, and give him your "permission" to let go and die in peace. Talk to him about the good times and memories, and let him talk too. If you don't have hospice, get it NOW.
A truly wonderful book about facing the end of loves ones' and out own lives is by Atul Gawande, MD, called "Being Mortal". We're all going to die - and there is no cure for old age. You must find a way to accept this.
Still, I agree that there may not be a lot you can do. People often know when their life is done. We need to freely give our love and support, make certain that they have what they need and want, and make sure they aren't in pain. If a doctor can give them a magic pill to help them feel better, fine, but an antidepressant isn't magic and some do more harm than good. They often take experimentation.
You don't say anything about dementia. Regardless, we will all die. There is a time when it's over and I believe that when your elderly loved ones get to that time, and nothing medically can be done, that feeling should be respected. Don't make him feel guilty or force company on him he doesn't want. You can try things but know when to leave him in peace. He may need that time to make his own emotional transition to his passing.
Keep reading for a variety of opinions and take care of yourself. You've done well.
Carol
In my view, that would be the best gift you could give him at this time. Accept his decision, as it is in fact his decision.
Wishing you all the best; but above all, Acceptance of your father's wishes.
For instance, if the elder is in decent shape and just depressed.... just like a younger person could be... I think they should be seen by a doctor to treat his depression?
(sorry if there were more details and I just missed them)
As we grow older our bodies and minds become our 'job.' Remind your dad that he still has a job to do. (my take) Arnie G
----
Our society has a hard time accepting that we all die and that there are worse things than death. Obviously, if someone is depressed or has other issues that could be helped with medication, that should be tried. But when elderly people know that their time is coming, I believe that offering our love and traveling the journey with them is the thing to do. Is it hard? Yes. But for many, dying is a process and our support along the way is the strongest method of providing love. The end result can be beautiful. It's the cycle of life.
For everyone going through this, my heart is with you. I've been through it and will go through it again.
Take care,
Carol
PLEASE!
Why do you feel this way?
Two stories I have. Our Insurance agent simply died in his sleep. His wife noticed he was not snoring and when she checked sure enough he was dead. The other one was an old lady who wanted to see her grand daughter in a concert. That really was not possible so we arranged for the little girl to come to the home in her costume and sing to Grandma and during the concert someone videoed the concert and the whole family sat round grandma's bed and watched it together. it was actually a beautiful death. When the funeral home came to collect the body the little 3 year old skipped through the house behind the gurney saying "Goodbye grandma"
You think this is what LindaSusan is experiencing?
A crisis center can help. People who feel that there is reason to keep on can start enjoying life more eventually. They often need help in the transition. This is different from some of is in the last weeks of a disease. Please do reach out to someone local so you can talk it out.
Blessings,
Carol