help.... I've been caught between a rock and a hard place. My mother sold her home to move out of the town we live in because she hated it so much. Now moved back because she couldn't take it down there. Now wants to move in with me and my family because shes close to not being able to care for herself. I would be sacrificing alot to have her move in even though it would be better for her. Her Anxiety is soooooo bad that she can't even hold a glass. She just wants to be with people but won't follow through with going to sr. centers
If she does move in I would make sure you know all the pitfalls you can come across (reading these boards- if you are new) and try to plan ahead.
Like who pays, sibbling help all the things that need to be addressed. Unless you are an only child and husband and family has no problem with it.
What will it do you your life. I take care of my mom and i'm very close and love her, but i still do get stressed and miss my life. Things to think about. Don't jump into decision. HUGS
Maybe you would like our permission to make other care arrangements for Mom. You have mine.
Is your mother being treated for anxiety? Is the anxiety a component of some broader diagnosis, such as bipolar disorder or dementia? How long has it been since she had a thorough geriatric evaluation? I really feel sorry for your mom. Having a mental disorder like anxiety is sad and hard and frightening. I hope that you can help her get this addressed. I hope you can help her find a setting where that can be monitored and minimized and where she can get the care she needs.
But you are wrong. You do not come last -- you need to take care of you. Your daughter needs you. Your husband deserves your attention. You are not (I assume) a mental health care worker. Your mother needs that. You have enough love to go around. What you would quickly lack if Mother moved in with you is enough energy and stamina and skill in dealing with the mentally ill.
Continue dispensing your love in all directions, including, please, to yourself. Limit your caregiving committments to what you can realistically handle without doing damage to the relationships critical to your well being, including that with your mother.
Best wishes as you struggle with this.
Follow your instincts. Your Mom really does need specialized medical care in a safe environment.
Good luck finding the right placement and getting back your peace of mind.
After 17 years of this because Mom didn't like being alone, we moved her to a lovely assisted living community two months ago. She's made friends, is out of her apartment most of the day, visiting, doing something. She sounds much better, perkier and she's safe with 24/7 emergency care. I don't expect her to ever say she's happy or that this was a good move, but I have peace of mind.
When my sister and I told family of this decision, everyone said "But you're not thinking about what's best for your mother." Well, caring for a parent doesn't just involve the parent - it involves you, your family as well. You have to make the decision factoring in that you are the only wife and mother they have. That if you let the stress of caring for your mom affect your health, how do you care for anyone. I think my relationship with Mom is healing without the daily struggles, the mental strain and the physical demands. I enjoy spending time with her once again.
Prayers and strength to you in this - it's not an easy decision, even if you know it's the best one.
I agree with finding resources for your mom, sosad2, but she may be like my mom and not want to utilize them. Her nutrition is important as well. Medications (yes, antianxiety and antidepressants a must if rx'ed by doc) to be taken per prescribed. Rest I am blessed with a mom who likes to go to bed around 8:30 and doesn't stir nor wander all night ... I do get rest ... that's important for all of us.
I agree with jeanne, monitor your relationships! Those are equally important. And always remind yourself that you are doing the best you can do for you! I appreciate this post!
I am learning about detaching relationships and there is a great article on this site. (Haven't figured out how to link that yet, sorry.) Your health is in very extreme jeopardy with this stress so maybe your doctor can be your advocate and talk to the nursing home (especially that nurse that forced you to take your mother when you said NO). Two heart attacks at 61 sounds scary to me. Again, I encourage you to get counseling re: the apron strings...they need to be cut once and for all. That stems way way back and only a qualified professional can help you with that. Peg in San Diego
I won't talk about your mother. I'll talk about mine because she did something similar. After 3 years of practically being held hostage, I placed her in a senior citizens home here in The Bronx. The gang-banging papi chulos she likes so much couldn't come up and spend the night, so she moved back to the slum of her childhood in Puerto Rico. One year later, she missed the comforts of the City, she sold the hovel in Vega Baja and moved in with my oldest sister in La Cambija, Bayamon, where she had the time of her life until the money was gone. Sis kicked her to the curb. Homeless and penniless, she showed up at my door in the middle of the night with some boohoo story that she had some incurable illness and was a nail away from the coffin. I called my youngest 1/2 sister and drug-dealing husband to tell her she was on her way over. In less than 20 minutes she was in a cab bound for 180 St. near the Bronx Zoo -- suitcases, trinkety presents, ron cana, gofio, pasteles and all "jazz." You get the picture.
If your Mom has any money left from the sale of the house, AL might be what she really needs. Good luck my friend.
-- Ed
Your home is your life and sanctuary without it becoming someones meal ticket or needed nursemaid duties. Feeling guilty about that choice? Better than having your life torn to shreds!
I suggest that you call social services in your mother's county. Explain that your mother, who is mentally ill, will become homeless in a couple of weeks and that although you've been trying to help her you cannot support her at this time. Do everything you can to advocate for your mother, to see that she is getting some help, to make calls and more calls (all of which can be too daunting for persons with severe depression), but stop short of having her live with you, or taking on financial responsibility for her.
I understand your anger, but depression is an illness, like diabetes or congestive heart failure. Presumably she did not ask for it and is not deliberately trying to make it worse. But just as a diabetic or someone with chf needs to make changes to manage their disease, so does your mother. Unfortunately the disease of depression itself gets in the way of taking action. It sounds like you have have been extremely proactive on her behalf. I hope you will continue in that role, but NOT by sacrificing your privacy and your personal space.
You just cannot do it any longer. That is fair. Do what you can. Don't go beyond that.