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I am having the opposite problem of those listings I have read about parents wanting to live with you or who will not move out.
My mother has never wanted to live with either me or my brother. But she tends to not let us help, get herself into difficult situations, then want help bailing herself out.
Last year, I moved her across country to live in an apartment near my husband and me. She has a lovely apartment and, despite health conditions, is doing well taking care of herself.
We do everything else for her. Recently, I suggested that we have a home care worker come in once or twice a month to help out. Now, she says that she wants to move back to her home state. My sibling is absolutely NO HELP...in fact, he was cleaning out her bank accounts (she is in extreme denial...because he is her SON...) I told her that if I thought she would be okay living back home I would have had no qualms letting her stay there. When she was living there she could no longer drive, had no one who was interested in taking her to the doctor or doing errands for her. I do that all now and she still wants to go "back home." I know that she is homesick and it was brave of her to move this far and 84 yrs. of age.
Reality checks do not work with her. She seems to think that assisted care facilities are "magical" places where they have people that will do "everything" for you. Surprise! that "everything" costs money....the stuff I am doing for free now.
I think this is her way of disuading me from hiring help. She just keeps bringing up moving back. And here is what will happen (because it has happened before): When she gets in a jam, I hop on an airplane, leave my work and family, and stay with her until it is resolved.

Nothing I do for her do I resent. But these constant tussles and arguments just DRAIN me. I become sullen because there is just no logic to her decisions. You may say, "just let her go and find out for herself" which is fine if she were rational. If she creates a bigger mess for herself, then I have a bigger mess to clean up. The rest of my patriarcal family looks the other way.

I am reminded of a quote I read lately from a doctor who helps families who have aging parents. He said that the best defense against ending up in some awful facility is to have a DAUGHTER. Right on Doctor!!! not one of my caregiving friends is male. NO sexism here...it's fact. Daughters are guilted out by family and society to do all the dirty work that they feel is to "unseemly" for men to do.

All I know is that I am trying to keep myself as healthy as possible so that I can stave off these horrible realities as long as possible. There is no such thing as growing older gracefully in this country unless you are wealthy. Add to that a culture that worships youth and wants to dispose of the elderly (by elderly I mean anyone 40 and over!)

Enough ranting...thanks for listening because, unless you have been throught this, everyone thinks you are "whining."

If anyone could offer advice, I would be very thankful. My biggest concern now, is: What is the next step in my mother's care when she is no longer able to care for herself? Does in-home care work? What about assisted living centers? I do not want her to end up living in deplorable conditions. She is my mother and I love her.

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Dear beebee, you must get POA, or else your sibling will strip your mother of any money she has left. If she doesn't want to live with you, then she should consider assisted living. You should check out the places of course. Maybe you should file for Guardianship/Conservatorship, and while you're at it, if it is really bad with your sibling, you should file an Elder Financial Abuse claim with Social Services. I had to do that with my Dad. Take Care, and good luck and prayers. Nauseated
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Dear Nauseated,
Thank you so much for both your concrete advice and for your good wishes and prayers. These chat rooms are the only place one can vent frustration without being judged as "uncaring." I thank you for your understanding.

I am going to contact an Eldercare attorney today and find out what I must do. My mother has been talking recently about "cutting out" my sibling from her will. I used to work for probate attorneys, and I have seen what this decision has done to families. I have discouraged her from doing this.

In terms of the Elder Financial Abuse claim: my brother was very good at taking funds that did not leave a "paper trail." The only way I found out about one incident was because the bank sent me papers to okay a home equity loan for my mom. To this day my Mom refuses to admit that she has given him large amounts of money. Her funds are now in a trust and I am the trustee.

I am such a "live and let live" person....this constant tug of war with my bro. is so sad and disappointing. When my Mom has passed, I will have no family left! But my top priority is seeing that she gets the care she deserves in a safe and clean environment.

In regard to assisted living centers: she is not opposed to them, but has this fantasy of returning to her home state and to a facility where she "thinks" all her old friends are living. From my limited experience, it seems that if you do not have a family member close by to "advocate" for you, care declines.

I appreciate any additional input you or anyone else has about assisted living centers. They all look good on paper and on the internet....but how do you choose one? I am new to this area and have absolutely no one to ask who is in this situation. I am feeling so isolated.

Thanks,
BB
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Dear BB, I too am new, and about to look at assisted living. You are right, they do look good on paper and the net. A few I have read reviews on the net, they were not good reviews, and that scares me. I guess we have to actually visit some in person. And then, if they know we are coming will they look and act their best because they know we are coming? I don't know either.

But you are an angel, to care so deeply and give up much in order to care for your mother. Prayers and hugs to you, and keep coming back to post. This site has been literally a lifesaver for me.
Nauseated
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Dear Nauseated: When I get angry and frustrated, I just keep thinking about how my mother always advocated for her children. She was one of those moms of the '50s who was completely devoted to her family. All I know is that if the situation was reversed and I needed care she would see to it that I got the best. (she was also the caregiver for several of her older siblings and her mother).

Right now it depresses me to not be able to find answers. Also, the cost of most assisted living centers is out of most senior's reach. Is it just me, or does it seem like growing older in this country is just plain grim? It seems like all I do lately is work and take care of mom's "stuff." It is making ME feel old before my time.
Thanks again for your kind words...God Bless

beebee
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BB-You are right about the country, it is grim. Exspecially for the elderly. And they was the ones that payed into the system, and never using it. I've been taking care of my mom for 10 years, after Dad died. She was in her home. She has dementia. 2 months ago, I had to move her into my home. We was tring taking turns staying with her in her home, but it seem like i was up there more than anybody, and if they was having trouble up there they would call me. So I was like might as well move her in my home, which helped in some ways but not in others. My brother and his wife said hey would contintue to help me and my husband. But that has gone down hill ever since.
I've gone thru every program i've been told about to get help,(mom is going to day care which takes money). I'm going to go back to Medicaid and make them go thru the process, and give me a denial papers and why. Then i'm going to make copies, and send to my Congress People. I'm in Va. And write them a little nice note. First time i went to Medicaid,they say she make to much money 1219. month. They act like they don't have things they have to pay for with there money. Groc. clothing Etc... Any how, I've not even started to Rant.

Elaine
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Dear BB and Elaine, I know how you feel, I too feel as though I have aged 10yrs in the last 10 months. I had a 50's Mom too. I wish I still had her. You are lucky to still have your Mom, and she you. I agree with the way our elders are treated by the system. They have worked, paid, and are paying again even more now in their time of need. I used to throw away all the correspondence we got in the mail about Long Term Life, and Care. Now I am thinking about that for myself and my husband so our children do not have to experience the same nightmare we are. Elaine, I understand, my Dad may have to lose his house to go to assisted living or a nursing home someday. He cannot afford to pay for both at the same time, and he owes more than he can get for his house right now. Good Luck, and let us know how it goes for you, we all might be able to learn from those who are going through this too. Love and Hugs, Nauseated
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Hi I am new to the discussion here but beebee's Mom sounds lonley. Possible a retirement community not as expensive as Assisted living but more social. Her old friends won't be near but may meet some new ones. What part of the country are you from?
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I know that I have checked into retirement living communities for my father before I realized he had dementia. The ones I researched in my state had a required deposit, and was very expensive. It was a retirement condominium community, and cost at the lowest over $200,000.00. Also, they had to go through an interview process to make sure they were a good fit for the community. This means that people with Alzheimer's/Dementia probably wouldn't because they require medical assistance, or 24hr supervision. These are some of the services that these retirement communities did not provide. Their services were limited medically. Also, there were waiting lists as well. So much for retirement communities. I guess that's why they are called retirement communities, and some are called assisted living, and some are nursing homes. Nauseated
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Depending on your state many levels of care exist some are state funded and some are private pay. I live in Illinois we have state funded supportive living here. Once someone has dementia the options are less. Not many with waiting lists anymore.
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In my state, "state funded" means spending down to medicaid. Private pay seems to be more of the issue for most of us, because we must use up everything our loved ones have saved for all their lives in order to qualify for state funding (medicaid), even if they don't have much left. They cannot have more than $2,000 in any assets or bank accounts in order to qualify for "state funding". And don't forget the five year look back. One way or another, the state will see to it that they get paid back, which means they will go after their estate if they find out family was hiding anything. Most people do not have enough money to pay privately for more than a year or two. One place I was looking into (assisted living) and this was not the most expensive, mind you, was $4,000/mo. without any additional services, like medication minders, laundry services, etc. Can you say headache??? Nauseated
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If possible and affordable for her, I would look into a retirement community that has 3 levels of care. I know the Erickson communites near me seem to have a great financial plan. I have my mom in an assisted living community that does not have nursing home associated with it. I was very hard the last 2 months when she was in the hospital and then a nursing/rehab. We had to pay rent to keep her other place, not knowing if she was even going to be able to get back to her assisted living. She still asks me sometimes, why she can't go back and live at her home.
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In some states, Medicaid will pay the difference but the elder person can't own anything or they want it. In Georgia they have a five year look back. Therefore, if monies were transferred within that period the elder person is penalized.

My Mom is penalized because she transferred $30,000 into his account and he spent every bit of it on drugs. I pressed charged against him and file with the Elderly abuse. I also went to court and had a restraining order placed against him, then I had the doctor write me a letter stating that my Mom had dementia and could no longer handle her finances, and I became Payee Representative for her SS check. My Mom doesn't really know what's going on. I then went to her bank, with my DPOA and handle that situation there also. Now I have full control of her finances and I pay her bills, etc.

I had to move her out of her home and now she'll be living with me. She is a pistol and stresses me out, but I have to do the best that I can for her. My husband helps out tremendously. But my two brothers are drug addicts and they are worthless. However, those are the two that she lifts up on a pedestal. Truly amazing....
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