My mother can turn any conversation into something negative. Is there anything I can do about this?

Kate47, my Mom is the Queen of Negative. She will drag up something from 60 years ago to be negative about. I think she has always been this way. Nothing is right, nothing good enough, Dad cound't do anything right, I want her money, doesn't like TV, movies, books. Had enough yet?

I just keep my distance and try to do the things I love and remember to not turn into her. It is like brainwashing, so be careful to stay positive.

dankoffman - appreciate your perspective - it isn't an easy one to come by.

I feel as though for the last few years I have been standing in water just over my head - holding my MIL on my shoulders - trying to keep HER head above water - while I was drowning! I spent my days being cheerful - looking at the bright side - trying to turn her conversations around to something pleasant, (she even speaks ill of the dead!) talking her out of her depressive episodes - turning on HER lights - literally and figuratively. Why do they want to be in the DARK, literally!

Then about a year ago I HIT THE WALL - I woke up in a panic and I just had to get away. I felt that if I didn't RUN and FAST, I would DIE. My dear hubby stayed with his mom over a long weekend so I could just go visit a friend in another city. I shopped, went to a movie, out to eat and NEVER MENTIONED MY MIL THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. I made my friend promise to stop me if I even began to mention something about care giving. Well, that long weekend got me through another 6 months and then I hit another wall. Went for another long weekend - that helped a little - but not as much as before.

The NEGATIVITY is just overwhelming. The air is thick with it. It is easy to say 'change' how you think. I am tired of trying to save my MIL from herself. I do OK for a while and then crash and burn for a week and then get back up and do it again. All the while, she 'doesn't understand what the problem is with me!!' She asks my husband 'What's wrong with HER anyway?'

I know I have changed. I no longer attempt to turn the conversation around - I leave the room. I no longer try to cheer her up - I leave the room. I limit my interactions with her and I know that isn't good. I am beginning to seriously believe that she may be happier in a facility. But, deep down, I know that probably isn't true.

She has beginning dementia and her short term memory is ZERO. So, if she doesn't remember saying or doing somthing - it didn't happen. This just makes it worse because there is no reasoning with her.

Thanks for letting me 'let go' of this. Bless all you care givers who must deal with bleakness like this. She doesn't have a clue. She just tells us over and over and over again that "you have no idea how hard this is or what I go through." Well, neither does she.

It isn't that I don't love her or feel sorry for her - I can't think of a thing I would rather NOT do more than get old, wracked with pain, senile. It isn't for sissies, as they say. Maybe it is impossible to look on the bright side when you have lost your health, husband, home, friends. Maybe we are asking too much of our seniors. Antidepressants didn't help her - she faithfully took her 'happy pills' as we called them for over a year and finally stopped. They didn't help and they just had negative side effects that she didn't need.

Guess now the emphasis should be on how to keep ME sane so that I can continue on. That may be easier said than done as well :0)



I long for conversations about THE FUTURE that do not include illness, pain, funerals, death, constipation, incontinence. Friends for me are few and far between. My own kids hate to be around their own grandmother - she is so depressing.

Thankfully Spring is just around the corner and I will be able to be outside more. Winter is the worst.

I hear you. I hear all of you. My wife and I have been caring for my mother in law for 25 years. Mom is 85 and in chronic pain from many back surgeries over the years, broken bones from falls, torn rotator cuffs . . . Get the picture? Oh . . . And she has lived with us all these years and now drifting into dementia and suffers anxiety attacks from small upsets! In the last several years, she has Had nearly 100 diagnostic tests . . . All inconclusive. May I say, "oh vay!"
Well, I am a writer and now work from home. My wife is a realtor and is out of the house most days . . . So much of the conversation is between mom and me and I must confess was killing me because of the constant negativity. OK, I have been creating books for people with memory loss and producing a weekly radio show for Veterans with memory loss and their families. I have immersed myself in this world and came to the conclusion that humor is the most powerful tool we have to best deal with what we are all talking about. I am beginning a project called Caregiving with a Smile . . . A 90 minute presentation that I will start to deliver to caregiver groups in late February. My goal is to assist caregivers to see the humor in (almost) any situation . . . Even if our loved one does not or can not. Believe me when I say that a smile can be found . . . And often shared with your person . . . And it can make these difficult times a little easier for you. This can be accomplished without disrespect . . . And with the acknowledgment that caregiving is hard . . . But, frankly, I knew that if I didn't change my point of view . . . It was going to kill me . . . So . . . Find the humor. My sincere hope that you will think about this.

I share your frustration. It all sounds like my mother. She has had dementia for a long time now and I have had the good fortune to attend a very good support group that has explained to me that my mom is always afraid and confused and that is what causes the negativity. Imagine you are living in that "world" and you will understand the negativity. If someone who you may vaguely remember as your son or daughter comes up to you and reminds you that they love youI verbally and phusically, it will tend to cheer you up. It has done wonders for my mom. Whenever I first see her for a visit, I give her a big hug, kiss and tell her "I love you Mom". It's also the last thing I do when I leave. I be sure to use the word "Mom". It reminds her I am her son. She sometimes forgets.
Others who have tried this tell me it helps. Ther is no cure that I know of. I hope this helps.
I wish you the best.

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Can any of you go into a small Mom or man cave to get away from the negativity-I had to find my own space when caring for my husband even though it was one chair and lamp in my bedroom-I could shut the door-I think music is a good idea probably getting them into some hobby would be fruitless how about getting them interested in photo albems anything that would get them off themselves

Today I took my Mother in her wheelchair out for her daily Vitamin D, walking her around a few blocks in the neighborhood of her care home. I sing to her, and often stop to speak to people I don't know. She finds this quite annoying, yet she cannot communicate her thoughts anymore. She does remember how to say, "Oh No" many times over, like a broken record, and "I don't like this!" vehemently!
Almost every day this occurs, and it is kind of sad (maybe to her but not to me) that she does not have the power to be as rude as she wants, and it is a new power for me to "override" her objections with cheerfulness. Yes, sad that she cannot outwardly express herself, but I always stop, lean down and tell her that these simple things in life--speaking kindly to strangers, enjoying a lovely day, are the good things of life. I kiss her on the cheek and tell her I love her, then we continue. Sometimes she snickers, as Narcissists do, other times she tells me she loves me, too. This afternoon, I realized that after a lifetime of not knowing whether she loved me or not, it does not matter, because I know how to love her and others, anyway.

As my mom got older and in more pain, she got more negative. I just got used to her seeing the bad in everything, because I knew she wasn't feeling normal anymore. It wasn't until she died, that I noticed how my dad isn't judgmental and negative anymore. While I got used to her being the way she was, I totally missed how it was affecting my dad. He never noticed it either.

my mother is completely the QUEEN of this. so, i just stopped communicating with her. i keep my contact a a minimum. i answer only the phone calls that actually need my attention. i avoid her at all costs. the woman enjoys her misery. it's not my style and i refuse to let it be.

BTW, yes, i did attempt to point this out to her. Denial ain't just a river. . .

It is amazing how some elders do what is called rewritting history-I would try to limite my time with negative people-some people you can not teach to be happy.

Yeah I'd like to know the magic answer too! I've tried everything that previously brought my Mom joy but it's like she rather be a negative Nelly than to find happiness but happiness comes from within. I don't know if she faked a general state of happiness in the past or that I'm just inundated with her because of my role as Care giver.
I’ve told her over and over but she doesn’t see it as complaining but rather relaying her thoughts. Now she throws it in my face by starting a conversation with” you say all I do is complain” but continues anyway. I have told her if she keeps it up I’ll leave, I come by to have an enjoyable visit not to sit here hear all the angry, old and negative crap.
Sometimes it works and sometimes it’s like she could give less than a hoot how I feel and just dump on me. Well…unfortunately my visits have become less frequent, I miss my Mom but I can’t afford for my spirit to become contaminated with someone else’s issues or rather non-issues.
The other day when I visited her, I again told her about all the scheduled activities at the NH, the monthly birthday celebration was about to take place, she didn’t want to get dressed ( she had on clothes!) there are puzzles and hobbies she could do in her room. While asking the Physical Therapist about activities for low sighted people, Mom leaned into me waived her finger and said NOOO! I don’t want to do anything, leave it alone! So I’m like what Thee…! This lady just wants to be bored and unhappy! I get it ( not really) but it’s her choosing.
If they come up with a happy pill for her, I’m all in.
Take care of your mental and physical self.