My dad has dementia. My mom lives with him and currently cares for him. She's overwhelmed, as she is doing this herself. I live six hours away and come when I can, as I have a job and need to work. I have one sister, who has five kids to care for, one of which is usually in and out of hospitals. No other family members live nearby. While my dad is at the point that he rarely remembers who my mom, myself, and other family members are, he does not yet need help toileting and bathing. He does needs minor help with dressing, mostly with shoes and socks, but this is still too much for my mom to handle. I'm worried that she will end up in the hospital due to stress-related issues. I bring up hiring someone to keep my dad company a few hours a week, so my mom can get some rest, but my mom does not want to pay for it, and neither my sister nor I can afford it. They do not want strangers in their home. There are also things that my parents never took care of before my dad started having problems, like appointing a medical and/or financial POA in case one or both is incapacitated, or pre-paying for burial/funeral. I am attempting to try and talk my mom into consulting with an elder law attorney to help with this and get advice from, as we are totally clueless as to how to proceed, and I told her I would make the appointments for her and take her to them, but she does not want to involve or pay for an attorney. My sister and I don't have much money, and one of my worst fears is that something will happen to my mother and we won't know what to do with our father, or we will have to pay for some of his care and his and my mom's burial and funeral expenses. I'm not trying to be greedy, and I love my parents very much, but I don't want to end up homeless or having to take out a huge loan because they didn't take care of this stuff when they were alive. Is there somebody we could contact to get advice that's not an attorney?
You and your sister need not to put ANY of your money into ANY care EVER. You need to be saving your own money for your own care in your own future.
It is already clear to you that your father belongs in care. Apparently your mother refuses to do that. There is nothing you can do about her refusal, but I suggest that you not enable this behavior by providing for them in their home. Eventually caring for your Dad will kill of disable your mother; your father will then go into care. There WILL be a crisis at some point that may land them BOTH in care.
If your parents have no funds or assets, then their care will be paid for by application to Medicaid. Any Social Worker in their hospitalization process or their rehab process can help with application for Medicaid, but if only your father is placed then there will be an attorney needed for division of assets. Your Mom's social security should not be used for your dad's care as that would leave her destitute when she needs her own care.
Hopefully your parents have enough funds to take your mom to and Elder Law attorney to discuss ALL OF THIS. It would be a good investment despite the high cost; you and your Sister should go with your own questions as well. If your parents pay 1/3, you pay 1/3 and sister pays 1/3 then several hours of an attorney's time can be afforded, and there is no substitute really for these important legal questions.
You are far from your parents and your sister already overwhelmed; I am so sorry. This will come to a head with some crisis at some point. When hospitalization is needed for either DO get a social worker involved at once, and whatever else she/he does or does not do, neither you nor sister are in any place where you are able to even temporarily take your parent/s into your own care; see to it that you do not do that, whatever else you do or don't do. Taking either or both parents into your own homes will paint you and your sister into a disasterous corner both legally, mentally and financially in almost ever way. DO NOT CONSIDER IT for a single second.
Do you know anything about your parents' financial situation?
Has mom talked to dad's doctor about in home health and OT and PT? It would last for long, but it might be worth looking into. And it would help getting them used to having "strangers" in the home.
You might consider contacting the Area Agency on Aging in your parents' community. The provide (free) Needs Assessments, case management services and can recommend care agencies.
It sounds like your mom is terrified of change and of giving up control. As a start, would she be open to hiring someone to do heavy housecleaning, once or twice a month? It a place to start.
There are many seasoned caregivers here who have been in your situation before and can give you very good advice. I hope they will see your post and chime in.
As for my advice, first of all, let’s put your fear to rest. You are NOT legally required to pay for anything for your parents. So, do NOT lend money, take out loans, pay for caregivers, or funeral expenses, quit your job, or move in with them or them with you.
Do you know your parent’s’ financial situation? Can they afford to pay for caregivers? If they are poor, they can apply for Medicaid benefits which can pay for a part time caregiver or costs for an adult daycare center where your dad can go several times a week so mom can rest.
Also, check with their local Area Agency on Aging to find out resources available to them.
Check out the information from the link below and share that with your mom.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=8+government+agencies+every+caregiver+should+know+
There are many seasoned caregivers here who have been in your situation before and can give you very good advice. I hope they will see your post and chime in.
As for my advice, first of all, let’s put your fear to rest. You are NOT legally required to pay for anything for your parents. So, do NOT lend money, take out loans, pay for caregivers, or funeral expenses, quit your job, or move in with them or them with you.
Do you know your parent’s’ financial situation? Can they afford to pay for caregivers? If they are poor, they can apply for Medicaid benefits which can pay for a part time caregiver or costs for an adult daycare center where your dad can go several times a week so mom can rest.
Also, check with their local Area Agency on Aging to find out resources available to them.
Check out the information from the link below and share that with your mom.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=8+government+agencies+every+caregiver+should+know+
I wish you luck ..I don’t know if you can take care of dads part , but if he has not been declared incompetent, get it done before .
Be aware that very few elders want to A: have strangers in their home caring for them, B: pay for any care C: move into AL.
Having said that, sometimes we have to be the grownups when our parents don't/can't be.
DO NOT SPEND YOUR OWN MONEY ON THEIR CARE. You are going to need that yourself. Plus, it is NOT your fault mom and dad didn't plan ahead. People seems to think that by NOT planning, they are not going to get old, or need help.
You can help out, as much as you feel comfortable doing so. Your dad is doing OK right now and that's great, but can certainly change on a dime.
I get that you don't want to pay an atty, but I have to say, that was the best $1500 we've ever spent! He had ideas for our estate that we had not even given thought to. We filled out a lot of paperwork and took it to his office--had one consult, the came back to go over and fine tune everything and had the will/trust notarized and BAM. We were good to go.
Now we need to make some changes, and will do so this year after we do our funeral pre-planning. Making some changes in the disbursement of our money and property, but mostly just keeping on top of things.
Again--please don't pay for mom and dad's care! They must have some money--and selling the home is often the way the money needed for LT care is procured.
Good Luck with this. It IS frustrating when parents simply refuse to 'adult'.