Hi again all.
I’ve been managing pretty well since Mom’s Academy Award Winning performance over the decorations. I had a major breakthrough in therapy over it, and it is a thing of the past. It was worth the hard work to get through the issue - and all of your answers helped me get there 100 percent.
Today I have been cooking and planning and preparing to have her over to our place for dinner and 20 minutes before I’m to go get her. “Yeah, I don’t feel good, uh, you guys just go ahead and have a nice day.” I had been speaking to her all day and she was in a nice mood and looking forward to it. Now mind you, I had to take her to urgent care this week for the same not feeling well issue (Gastro issues, I won’t get into it) and I also think an anxiety attack. After a battery of tests, there was no stroke, no heart no nothing. I tried to tell her some days are good, some days are bad. “Nooo I really think something’s wrong.” So we didn’t leave the’ emergency department until every last stone was turned. Not even a UTI. The doctor took me aside and literally said, “I have nothing better to say than ‘aches and pains and aging issues, her heart lungs brain, all fine.”
My mom has a tendency to want to be kept in the hospital to be “looked after” and have meals brought and to have company during the night and me to run the business of her household while she’s gone. “Are they going to admit me?” She asked me excitedly.
”Nope mom, you’re fine, isn’t that great! You can go home. It’s been six hours but yep, you’re going home.” I had to throw it in there, I couldn’t help it. I myself just recently had a minor surgery and even I wasn’t feeling so good. The doctor asked if I’D like to be checked out. He could tell I wasn’t feeling so swift.
Are you all having issues where they want visit after visit and ER after ER - I mean obviously I am NOT going to deny her, if she needs to be assessed then yes, no question we’ll do it. But have you seen them, like, sad to find out they’re fine? Meanwhile I’ve sat there in mild pain, answering question after question of “has my blood work come back? has my X-ray come back?” Is she LOOKING for something to be wrong? Is it that impossible to enjoy an actual report of good or semi-good health?
Sorry for the rant. She always seems to want to be admitted and I told her the last time if they discharge you, THEY DISCHARGE YOU. That bed belongs to someone who truly truly needs it.
Ugh, the frustration.
Woo, does that change things. Bossy Brother's Wife--who is being paid $70K a year, then takes it upon herself to order SO to pay a visit to "drop things off" or "go see him." This Brother's Wife almost stopped us from taking the FIL up to the one place that offered J&J recipients a booster shot back in August when MIL was talking about having a full stem-cell treatment. That's the only thing Brother's Wife really sees, how can they be HAPPY and should I bring them a sandwich etc.
It might be worth considering what your mom DOESN'T LIKE about her current living situation and what can be changed to create that more "cared for" (nurses say, "waited on") feeling she is seeking. If she is living alone, she may be hinting that she needs more interaction with others and feels lonely or depressed on her own. It might be time to look into senior residential options or for an evaluation by a geriatric psychiatrist.
My husband went to his PCP for a pain in his armpit. The PCP set him up with some tests and gave him a name of a specialist to see that would get the tests. Went to the specialist, had another test and he explained to my husband what was going on. I got a call later from the PCP office saying the Dr. wanted to go over the results with him. I state, and nicely, that the Specialist had already explained everything to my DH and what needed to be done. Is that not why DH was sent to a Specialist? The girl said nothing. I said right, no need to come in, she said I guess.
To be honest, it was nice they called but I don't blame you for saying what u did. I would say something to the Dr. next time Mom sees him. He really has no idea what his staff says to his patients. If there were openings, then Mom should have been given an appt.
First of all thank you for all your responses. It’s clear that there are some common threads we all have out there with our aging elders/family. Since mom’s trip to urgent care however long ago it was, I’ve had a talk with her about her self-maintenance, and preventing, or doing what we can to prevent these types of visits. Now, we can’t necessarily control if (forbid forbid) something just goes south. That can happen at any age. But I told her flat out that the next time a trip to the ER or urgent care happens, it may be someone ELSE who decides that she is declining, and that someone else, not her family may make the recommendation that living alone can no longer be. And, that as family considering health and everything we have seen, we’re not going to necessarily fight that. In fact we won’t.
Overall her symptoms may once again have been because of anxiety attack and with her health conditions those are scary. I have them and I’m healthy and they’re scary. But I think while there, as many of you have said, our UCs and ERs are tending to super sick people and she was not the highest priority, although she wasn’t totally ignored. No fussing over her. Again, not going to ignore an urgent need, but my first question when she’s “feeling a little off,” is going to be “what have you tried to feel better.”
She’s kind of come around, so to speak. She’s telling me, “i know I need to eat better,” and she has been. And I warned her now with the new variant we are all at risk. Her sitting in a chair there or waiting in a bed there, and me right there, waiting along side the whole way. Again, don’t avoid if its an emergency, but don’t create one if it’s not.
I’m still not right with her doctor’s office waving her away and sending her to urgent care. They had the whole afternoon wide open, but yet, “no…because of her age..” You’re a GERIATRIC SPECIALIST!!! They called me to see “how she was doing,” and I very tersely responded, “Oh well, you know, like I told you on the phone that day. Nothing was life threateningly wrong, she was feeling unwell and needed some help. Surely you’ve seen the reports from the emergency department.”
“Oh, um…ok.”
Happy new year all, let’s make it a good one despite the rest.
Then COVID happened. We bent over backwards to discourage unnecessary trips to the ER or the hospital. We reminded him that unless he was absolutely emergent we couldn't expose him because HE was definitely among the population that wouldn't survive. And we also leaned heavily on the local restrictions that he would have to go in alone because for adults here no visitors were allowed period. He was competent so he would have to go alone and stay alone. We reminded him that the nurses and doctors were overworked and hospitals were understaffed and that it wasn't what he was used to. And for a long time that worked. And then he finally couldn't wait any longer. He had what he considered an "emergency". COVID had somewhat settled a little bit, vaccines were available, he was vaccinated. We were still very cautious. He had a slip. Not a fall. But when he goes down it requires assistance. First responders were called to get him on his feet. He talked about some symptoms that had already been addressed by multiple doctors as if they were from that occurrence. The paramedics stated they could find nothing wrong that would require transport but he asked to go. Our hospitals were still no visitors. So off he went in the ambulance. And he got an eye opener. He sat in the waiting room because he wasn't emergent and they didn't have a bed. Then they did take him back but still no bed, so he sat in a chair. For HOURS. He didn't get the same attention he had received for years because they didn't have the staff or the time. They did the normal tests found nothing wrong and he called to ask to be picked up. He was so angry. We had tried to tell him. He didn't believe it. Our ERs at the time were experiencing a resurge and the wait times were in the double digits so the fact that he was in and out in 4 was honestly amazing but he was of course put out. He was used to being admitted for a cold.
He hasn't indicated any "health crisis" ramp ups since. That may sound insensitive but prior to COVID we could expect multiple ER trips per year for the sniffles with him angling for an admit so I know exactly what OP means. He absolutely enjoyed hospital and ER trips pre-COVID and flat out thought we were lying to keep him from going when we told him how things were now.
If he truly needs the ER or the hospital we will 1000% make sure he gets what he needs. But he would just as soon head to the ER under normal circumstances as a regular doctor appt just to get checked out in the hopes of staying. I've never seen anyone that loves to stay in the hospital like that!!
Site won't let me delete this suggestion. I want to add that this obviously might not be possible. Care giving takes up so much time, doing stuff like this can seem like climbing Mt. Everest, bare foot.
Apologies!
Mind you I did not bother the nurses all the time to get me something, actually didn't like being waited on that much at all LOL
Would this possibly be an option? It would take some pressure from you as well as there would be people around her.
Don't take her to the ER, and don't take her home. Let her figure it out. After all, there will be even more people to pay attention to her, which is what she wants.
i recently had an experience where my LO was in hospital, wanted to stay because of feeling safer in hospital.
luckily LO’s tests were ok; sent home.
so sometimes, i think our LOs think hospitals are safer; someone there taking care of you.
the reality is that sometimes hospitals are more dangerous. you go in with 1 problem, come out with 10 new problems (catching some transmittable infection, doctors/nurses sometimes make mistakes, etc.)
in my case, my LO was very happy when home again.
Try to reassure her you or help are nearby, get a medic alert bracelet, maybe find a wonderful loving Assisted Living place. And in the end you can say I did everything I could to help. My heart still feels so sad that I am not taking care of her personally. But we can't all do that. I call her 3 times a day to remind her I'm am still here, still love them and will come soon..
God bless you on this very very difficult path
Then I wised up. If he needed to go while I was at work I would pop out since he lived near my work and drop him off at the door. I would also tell him he needed to take a taxi to get home. He called 911 so often the local police all knew him by name. He averaged a trip every 10 days or so and nothing was ever serious. In fact, the one time he did actually have a serious issue I was the one who insisted on going to the ER.
If she is going for non-emergencies you need to let her get herself there and back on her own. If it is serious they will call you. Even after my father went to AL he loved his ER trips. The AL would call and let me know they sent him and I would make it clear that he was to hire medical transportation to get himself back to AL. That was usually $75 a trip. I would have never been able to keep my job for the number if times I would have had to run and get him.
You can change. Up to her, not you, if she can.
My Auntie said that they really help my cousin who is a challenge to deal with.
I would do some research and ask her doctor, then I would find a way to get them in her. That's just me though.
You're giving her an audience for her histrionics and a ride to the ER for every ache and pain she has. As long as you keep doing that, she'll keep playing you like a fiddle. Next time she's "so sick" and needs to go to the ER, tell her to call 911. Remind her the copay for the ambulance ride is $100 each way and the ER visit is $100 or whatever, so it's a minimum cost to HER of $300 to take this trip. You no longer feel comfortable driving such a sick old person to the ER so the ambulance is her only option from now on. Her decisions each have consequences. You also no longer have all day to spend sitting in the ER and since the hospitals are so full of Covid, the visitor policy is very strict so you won't be accompanying her.... it's too dangerous for you to expose yourself. Again, she can make these decisions for herself, but you'll be making your decisions for YOURSELF. Spending all day in a petrie dish of sickness is not something you're willing to do anymore, sorry. The doctor can call you if they plan to ADMIT her, otherwise, she can let you know when the ambulance drops her back off at home.
If your mother chooses to behave herself in this manner, then she will need to suffer the consequences of her behavior at the same time. I'm sure your therapist has talked to you about setting boundaries and separating your life from your mother's.
Good luck
And my current SO's parents also do this at least once a month.
My advice, just drop her off and tell her to text you when she's ready for pick up. Better yet get her the Uber app on her phone and put her credit card on it.
Mom may need help with that.
At 85.
On a .25mg dose of anti anxiety “as needed.” Which she never takes.
It is at her disposal, but “oh no, those are dangerously addictive.”
And forget trying to explain she’s being monitored by her doctor and her family with it.
If she wants to be fed, entertained and have someone present at night, she should consider an AL or a board and care home.
I know how to some that MIGHT make me sound but if I hadn’t been through this over and over again to know what’s going on, well.. you get the picture.
Look I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic, it must be very scary to be aged, with some pretty hefty illness that she does have, but when she can dress, shower, cook, mop the floor (slowly) and yes even today washed and changed her bedding all by herself, she needs this depression under control. If she would only see that her brain chemistry needs help. She knows it does yet won’t do anything about it. Flat out.