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My dad died of Covid in November. He didn't tell me how unwell my mom was. I'm now dealing with a narcissistic sister who somehow got power of attorney. She is really feeling it and using it to settle old scores. I haven't talked to her in 25 years and it is now worse than I remember. She and BIL were incredibly abusive to me the day my dad died. I was trying to figure out what was going on, to help. I had to find out where he was and which hospital on my own. My sister would respond with "We don't need your help"  and "If you keep texting me I'm going to block you" (this was the only phone I had to connect to my Mom). "I'm only giving you information out of respect for your dad." All this because my sister told me about the affair she had and tried to enlist my help to hide evidence. Knowing full well BIL could take the children, I said, "No. I will not do anything to hurt your children". She tried to hide my mom from me, it took me a month to get a phone number for her. My sister dropped her off at assisted living in a different state 100 miles away 1 week after she lost her husband of 61 years a few weeks before Christmas. My sister picked her up for one day on Christmas then back to A.L. Our mom was not happy or well for months. She tried to make the best of it she told me later. She is very submissive and depressed. As she started coming out of the grief she said she was terribly lonely and asked if she could live with me. I was in an RV and said I was going to get a house so we could be near each other. This cheered her up immensely. I realized she was still in there, personality and sense of humor intact. She became a bit playful and goofy and thanked me over and over. She confided in me that she doesn't like my sister and that she "makes her uncomfortable". She told me she trusts me over and over. My sister was unraveling, of course she was all bent out of shape that my mother was unaware she was sending repetitive e-mails (very short short-term memory). That she couldn't appreciate all that she was doing for her. Me! Me! Me! When I grew concerned that I was being blocked on e-mail I was transferred to the director of the facility. They were incredibly defensive despite telling her my mom was very happy with the staff just depressed and missing family. I told her I was just trying to troubleshoot the problem without getting my sister and BIL involved. The Director then tells my BIL that I'm plotting to file complaints with the state and instead of communicating with me he tells my mom that I'm creating trouble and "I hope you don't get kicked out." She rants about her complaining and lack of gratitude, says it's making her sick and affecting our marriage and says, "Maybe you should go live with (me) in _____." My sister writes me soon after and says, ,"She's all yours. You figure out how to get her out there and I'll write the checks." Then she CCs me in another narcissistic masterpiece to my mom which includes a laundry list (wrapped in "love") about all the things she can't do anymore such as make friends, play games, do puzzles, be creative. Basically everything that made life worth living was gone. I tell them that can never happen again. BIL's letter was elder abuse. My mom begs to live with me. I'm trying to figure out a way to make it work, we found a house and are excited then my sister today said; No mom, you need professional carer 24/7. My dad took care of her and had no immediate plans for assisted living, I could do the same. I work at home. I could be with her 24/7. She agreed to mom moving several states away because I could do all the work. As of today I am "your other daughter". I'm exhausted but I have to get her help. She needs to be evaluated, learn her rights. She's fully on board,  but I don't know where to start. If we do this my sister will cut off our communication. Does my mom have the right to choose who cares for her and spend her own $ to pay for that? Mom is getting $10k/mo from Dad's retirement and can't touch it. I feel so helpless.

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I have five frantic e-mails sent by my mom to my sister and I after BIL went after her. Scared her to death. "I'm so sorry for what I did. I don't know what I did. Please forgive me PLEASE GOD HELP ME I need you girls. I'm so sorry. Please someone write me." They have been in high gear doing damage control and visiting her almost daily leading up to what they think will be the day I come to get her but I told them today I can't do the daily shuttle from AL to my house due to Covid concerns. I'm unvaccinated due to anaphylactic reactions I to vaccines. I could die if it's brought into my house. My BIL actually shot his own dog in the head rather than putting her to sleep. I asked if she knew what was happening and he said, "I think so." Then he has the gall to hijack the palliative care call and talk about how we should kill my dad after five days -- it's about giving him a "soft place to fall". Today they scared my mom to death saying my sister probably had Covid and was in the hospital and very ill. She wasn't. My mom was so depressed before we came up with this plan that she said, "I don't want to live" over and over. I'm at wits end and don't know how to help her without making things worse. I begged them at the AL place not to let her know I was trying to figure out if I was blocked, said it would only make matters worse and they did and my mom took the bullet on that. They treat me like the enemy. They call my sister "her family". I am have no allies anywhere. I am trying so hard to tell my sister that I know she's doing the best she can when my mom gets angry with her and fixates on things, treading lightly, but that only makes things worse. I don't think she thinks I'm going to take action but they are somewhat scared and trying hard to look like doting caregivers. Way too hard. I am so depleted. Can't sleep or work. All she wants is to help me buy a house, said today, "I'll pay half!" She has no power and says to me, "WHO gave her all this power? How do we get the PoA changed over to you? ...Help...where do I start?
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pleasegodhelp May 2022
Who does the evaluating? How long does it take? Who can intervene and confront my sister and BIL about their abuse? I have no idea where to start.
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Call Social Services or an Elder Care department immediately and ask for an urgent evaluation. They can give you advice and notify the police if they feel there's criminal activity.

Document everything: date, time, what was done or said as completely as you can, and witnesses.

To be honest I could not read the full blocks of text. Best wishes to you.
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pleasegodhelp May 2022
Thank you, Moose. ♥
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If your Mom is suffering from Dementia, and has been left on your doorstep with your other sister who hates you having POA and living in another State I feel that your situation is untenable. If she has not YET been dumped at your doorstep I suggest you do everything you can to prevent such a situation.
Because your post is so long and full of the angst of sibling history/current warfare I cannot make out just WHAT has happened/is happening NOW, and what any PLAN is.
So I have questions:
#1.Is your mother suffering from DIAGNOSED dementia? When was she diagnosed and by whom?
#2.Is your mother currently living with you? If not who is she living with? Is she living ALONE? In a facility.
#3 Is your Sister still the POA, holding power of Mom's placement and purse? (If your Mom is competent) is she aware she can appoint another person as her POA ANY TIME SHE WANTS TO?
Dependent on answers to those questions the future depends. And PLEASE stop telling us about the PAST.
Now comes another question:
WHAT IS IT YOU WANT NOW? What exactly is your plan, and what do you want?
Do YOU want to be in charge of a now failing Mom? Do you want Mom to move by you and actually pay for 1/2 a home (a REAL BAD IDEA if so)?
If not, where do you want Mom to move?
Do you want to manage Mom's Money? Are you capable of doing so with all the files and bill paying and taxes and etc?
Dependent on answers to #1., #2. and #3. and if you believe your mother is in danger, you need to make a report to APS. Dependent on that report you may need to file for guardianship.
Dependent on the answers to #1., #2. and #3. and your sister FIGHTS you for guardianship then you may not win, as your mother already appointed her as POA.
If your sister wins guardianship then you will pay court costs. In a fought guardianship those costs start at 10,000.
If you win guardianship then your Mom's estate will pay for court costs.
If you both fight this way in court the State may take over guardianship of Mom, appointing a paid fiduciary who will not have to listen to either of you.
If you would like family mediation counselor info leave me a private message and I can provide contact information.
What it sounds like to me is that your sister is GREATLY relieved to be shed of Mom's care; you stepped in and she gave it all to you. It sounds to me you may not have a clue to Mom's current condition and rationality. However, without POA you have no info as to Mom's assets, where she can be best placed, medical records, current mentation or anything else without the good will of your sister ( which clearly is not there now, and clearly never will there there).
This, adding your response below to other questions, sounds like a perfect storm of a mess. I cannot imagine how it can be managed in any way to be frank.
If your Mom is sending anyone frantic begging emails pleading for help she needs evaluation of the situation by Adult Protective Services. Give her the number for APS or call for her.
As you can imagine, no one on Forum is going to have any magic wands on this one. Only you know your family situation. We have one side of your sitation-- your side, and I can't even begin to comb out what's happened/is happening here.
It sounds as though eventually the courts will be involved in this mess; do know they often have no answers either. Their way of throwing their arms up in the air in bickering like this is to take EVERYTHING from everyone and plunking it onto the docket of the poor Fiduciary. I know one. He can't even publish his own address anywhere due to the fact that the utter insanity of families means that HE may be the one to get shot in the head, not the dog as described below.
Sorry. Warring siblings are my pet peeve. I feel sorry for your Mom.
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Please note your post was difficult to read because there were no paragraphs and it's rambling so that it's difficult to respond to your concerns. My understanding that your mother is in an AL, which provides her with opportunities to "play games, do puzzles, be creative." Your mom is not thrilled with living there and confessed to you she wants to leave. Your sister has POA and is seeing to it your mom is in a safe AL and paying bills with the $10K a month retirement from your dad. Your mom wants to live with you in a house, which you have not yet purchased as you were traveling/living in a RV. You and mom believe this will be an improvement on her current living conditions and will elevate her mood. BIL and sister and annoyed with you. Honestly, have you given thought and plan of what it's like to care for an elderly person 24/7 with little to no assistance. It's a lot. A LOT. Maybe moving close by to the AL and visiting your mom often will assuage her mood, while ensuring that you mom receives the care she needs without placing undue responsibilities upon yourself or your sister.
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Your mother needs professional care.

Dementia is progressive. However mom is now, it will be different next month, and the month after.

I'm not sure if you are trying to get POA. Is that what you want?

I can't figure out what BIL did or said that was abusive; are you relying on what mom is telling you? Tread cautiously there. Dementia patients misunderstand a lot of stuff.
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AlvaDeer May 2022
She apparently hasn't been there for 25 years. I can't imagine she knows any of the principals at all at this point. But what she wants is to take on the care of Mom in a home that Mom will pay one half for. She seems not to understand that with dementia now, Mom is not going to be buying any homes. She has called the sister abusive. She has said the sister and BIL chose to kill the father (who died of covid) with palliative care.
I think our OP is walking herself straight into a stay away order; I know I would already have one, myself.
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I didn't know if I could use paragraphs and was afraid to lose what I had written.

My mom is currently in assisted living. She was dropped off there a week after my dad died,

I am not warring with my sister. I am pleading with her to come together and put our past issues aside (I had none with her I found my way to compassion for her years ago. I am remaining calm. I am taking care not to trigger her. I am thinking of only what my mom needs. When I showed up when I knew my dad was dying I came with an open heart and they both came out of the gate swinging after no contact for 25 years.

My mom didn't appoint my sister as POA, my dad did. And with her dementia diagnosis I don't think she will have the right to change it without help.

I'm afraid to get APS involved until we are together in Illinois. My sister will cut off contact between us which will really send my mom over the edge.

I feel bad for my mom too. My only goal is to help my mom. Some people can still be taken care of at home and don't yet need assisted living. I understand that most of you are exhausted and aren't quick to recommend it but I feel an obligation to her to do everything I can to allow her to live in a house for as long as she can.

Her dementia is not as advanced as her memory issues. I've given her sample questions from dementia tests and she is all there intellectually. "If I say 1a, 2b, 3..... what is the next part of that? She says "C"...like why is that hard? Again, my dad took care of her himself and had no immediate plans for assisted living. er personality is intact...she just gets a little confused about time. She is pleasant to be around, grateful, agreeable. Loving as can be. If I talk to her once or twice a day she feels like she did 30 years ago. If I skip a few days she is much worse. She needs a loved one to engage with her often. She needs consistency and momentum. She thrives when she is hopeful and excited -- I can't overestimate the power of a "will to live". As I described it to my sister "she needs a salt flat".

My sister had zero interest in family until she found out my dad got in Netflix early and had made a fortune. Suddenly her love was overflowing. They were actually heading back to Mexico to live because they preferred to be taken care of by strangers instead of by my sister. Because I didn't even know either one of them had been sick I was protecting myself with some firm boundaries about issues that were unresolved and ongoing from the past (extreme codependence between the two of them for starters). Had I known I would have let all that go and just shown up.

I told my mom I had the house covered, didn't need any money for the house, but at the last minute there were additional expenses concerning the valuation of the property and I said there may be a hitch. She said, "I'll pay for half!" and I said, "Thank you but no...it may just be a few thousand $'s." We were racing to get a house asap to get her away from my sister and BIL who she does not like.

I understand very well what is involved with taking care of someone in her condition. I did not arrive at that decision without a great deal of thought.

To the person who said they can't see what is abusive about taking your frustration and fear about a sister out on a disabled mother -- shaming her for what she can't help and making her fear losing what little she has left, the very place she lives -- sending her into a state of apologizing profusely for what she does not know, to the point of PLEASE GOD HELP ME...I hope you are not currently caring for anyone.

My mom has no issues with me. None. She thanks me all day long. She says she doesn't know what she would do if I wasn't standing up for her.

What I need is someone to determine if she is lucid enough (I know she is) to decide for herself what she wants. It is steady and unchanging. "I can't wait to live with you. But I will. Don't race and get just any house. Get the house you want."
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AlvaDeer May 2022
No contact for 25 years and you come when Dad is dying? And all that Netflix money? I bet they came out the gate swinging.
You have a way of stating things "Mom was dropped off at AL in a week " after your Dad's death. I imagine she WAS taken to ALF because the fact is Dad could no longer care for her in home. She has lost her husband and now must be in care. She is easy prey now for anyone at all.
Your Mom is in care. Your sister is her POA. If you want to be helpful then offer visits and stop stirring the pot when Mom begins begging. Your mom has dementia. She will likely beg everyone who shows up to help her. She cannot buy a house now. She has dementia. She cannot pay for half a house with her.
I advise you to let your Mom and your sister ALONE except to offer both visits and help.
You say you are well aware of what it is to take care of someone with dementia? Really? When did you do this and for how many years, and did you do it 24/7? Have you been around on this forum to see what that looks like?
I think your sister WILL eventually cut you off if this continues. I know that I would. I would tell you I am the POA, and was appointed as such. That I am functioning in that duty as well as I can for the good of my Mother. That I know her and her condition better than you because I have lived there, but whether I do know it or I don't I AM THE POA. If you could not settle yourself, encourage your Mom to know this is where she is living, not with you, not with buying half a house in another state, but right here, then I think that is very sad. For your Mother. For your Sister. And for you as well.
You won't take my advice. I already know that.
You have every reason no matter what anyone says why you are right, even though you have not lived in that area for some time and your sister is the POA.
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Does your mother have a lot of assets? You said she receives $10K from your father's pension, and that she has no control over that money. So what is your sister doing with the money left after paying for AL? And what are the other assets?

Are you and your sister equal beneficiaries in the trust or estate? Do you think your sister is going to find a way to cut you out? While you may say that the money doesn't matter, if you are currently living in an RV, I wonder if you are financially secure. Are you?
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AlvaDeer May 2022
As someone with dementia diagnosed, God forbid she have access to those funds. The sister is like FPOA and MPOA. This sister hasn't even been in touch with sister for 25 years and has the nerve to call her abusive? Really?
The OP says that Mom will pay for one half the house. She seems not to understand that with dementia she will no longer be buying a house. I think our OP is traveling a road that is going to get her a stay away order, and fast.
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You haven't seen or talked to your sister in 25 years. Meanwhile your sister has lived where your Mom lives and watched her descent into Dementia.
Your sister is the POA and has SAFELY placed her Mom in care.
If you cannot offer help,kindness, reassurance that all is well (or as well as it CAN be now) then I suggest you remove yourself from this.
Your Mother cannot now buy one half of ANYTHING EVER. Do you understand that? She has dementia. And your sister has POA for her. You claim you are not warring with your sister and your BIL. Yet you have the nerve to call them abusive. I honestly don't even know WHAT to say to you anymore, but I thank god you aren't in MY life.
This is done.
It is too late.
Offer loving words and kind support. When your Mother begs to get out of her facility know that this is very common, in fact almost the norm.
You won't take this advice. I know you won't. You seem to have an answer for everyone and everything. Be that as it may, were I your sister you would have about one month to change your ways. At that point I would forbid you from speaking with either me or my Mom.
And if you call APS you had better have PROOF positive of this abuse you speak of. They will frown upon your case otherwise.
Your sister is the lioness at the gate. Failure to recognize that will have, I believe, severe repercussions.
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Countrymouse May 2022
I must say I think you've showed great self-restraint, Alva.
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Please talk to a lawyer and APS immediately.

Your Dad could not assign your sister POA over Mum, it does not work that way.
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AlvaDeer May 2022
I suspect the mother and father assigned the daughter living in their town POA for them both. He was likely a first with the daughter a second.
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My parents in law moved away three years into our 40 year marriage, and we kept up a wonderful long distance relationship. We have two children, and they were terrific grandparents. They got older, close to their 80’s, and their oldest son and wife, moved them to their town, and took over all management of their elder parents, getting them into an assisted care home, that stepped up into memory care, as needed, knowing it would be necessary. We were not told or consulted, no one asked us for our help, they just did it. We live in AK, and some folks think of it as another country, instead of a 2-3 flight journey, to help.

We visited while dad was alive, but the next two visits he had died, and mom was doing good, still healthy, just losing her mind to Alzeheimers. She was fully mobile, walked faster than her son if she wanted, and missed her husband very much.

The last visit was four years ago. it had been two years in between visits, our visits were a week long, and we ate lunch, met her friends, toured the facilities, went on walks, and hung out with her, as much as possible, every day. We could not relocate, and due to sad family issues, caused by MIL, the two sons have not spoken in over 20 years. MIL was a handful, good grandma but manipulative mom. The last visit it was obvious she had gone round the bend, was fully suffering sundowners attitudes. She let us know she hated her son, the one who they put in charge of them, she wanted to know where we were, could she live with us, all sorts of nonsense, all week long.

The things she said about the son and his wife, in charge of her affairs, were horrible, but she was in full disease mode, not really responsible for her thinking. It’s Alzeheimers, and it can be really really bad. We knew she was in good hands, and have never gone back. We aren’t in a position to spend more time, in a state across the country, she is being taken care of, they have insurance that handles her expenses.

Are we sad we’ll most likely never see her again? Yes, but seeing her only threw her into turmoil, cause she wants her FAVORITE SON, my husband, and he lives a very far ways away. They moved, we did not move. We still work for you a living as well.

Often money seems involved in the family sibling fights, and decisions about who will take care of the ailing elders, be in charge. Neither my husband nor I expect or care about getting one dime after our parents are dead, as this disease eats up money, and people live a long time. My advice, take care of yourself and make sure you can do that in your elder years as well. Don’t make decisions based on getting an inheritance.

I may never speak to one of three sisters again, cause she is hateful, and my husband may never speak to his brother again, tho I wish they would straighten out what their mom started, but we both don’t have wars, or cause problems. Life is too hard, we accept amends, and make them when necessary. Don’t be gone from a family situation, and then roll up expecting to take over, cause 25 years is a long time to be MIA.

I lost my train of thought, hmmmm, but I understand when family moves away, connection can be lost. I warned my mom and dad 7-8 years ago not to move to the lower 48, with our youngest sister, cause I would not visit more than once a year, for a week or so, and I would not stay longer, to share caregiving, cause I knew my parents, mom especially, would require help, based on her lack of exercise and resistance to moving. They moved me to AK, and had waited way to long to move away, past their healthier years. I am an honest, straight forward person, and was clear about the help they could expect from me/us. They did not move, just to be warm. Away from family that helps. Take care, sorry if this was too much. Be careful what you wish for, my sponsor’s fav cliche, could apply here for you.
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Odaat59 May 2022
P.S. I came back to reread the thread, and my words, only to see the OP saying there’s tons of money, supposed to be spilt three ways, but maybe the caregivers are moving money out, blah, blah, BLAH, hiding funds from the long lost sibling, and that right there is the OP’s focus, after 25 years being GONE.

I have no use for this BS behavior. You’re tired of living in your RV?!?!?! Then get work that gets you into the kind of home you want, do not look at elder family money like it is yours, nope. Your elders could live a very long time, and memory loss care will only get more expensive. You’re lucky your two siblings gave you the time of day. Real easy to figure out what matter to you, and elder care, is NOT what matters to you.
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peggysue... I did draw up a very well-thought-out plan, with two layers of backup. I presented this to my sister and she will not "dole out the funds". She will only accept AL.
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AlvaDeer May 2022
I am in agreement with your sister. I would not be doling out funds for you, either. I would be keeping my Mom safe in ALF and would be keeping her funds safe from buying 1/2 a home.
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And, folks, I do not live in my "vehicle". I live in a large fifth-wheel and currently have a beautiful view of a boathouse on a lake and I absolutely love the lifestyle. So much judgement. Maybe you're triggered by the money (not mine), the lifestyle, the fact that I'm single with no kids and never married. I learned pretty quick out on the road that this stuff triggers a lot of people who choose a more traditional way of life. I am completely at peace with the choices I have made. I really like who I am. I'm the person who shows up for anyone. I help my neighbors, I renovate sheds and don't ask for reimbursement. I don't judge. I try to love everyone where they're at. I've had a wonderful time out on the road, I'm a mountain biker and have had the opportunity to ride so many beautiful trails and did much of the mechanical work myself -- and am honestly so proud. I love a challenge and feel proud of the result. If you're judging me based on how I live I would suggest taking a good look in the mirror and what kind of person you are. I had a good decade in my 40's and now it's time for me to show up and take care of my mom to the best of my ability, wherever she's at. There will be no greater reward than seeing her curled up on my couch in front of the fire with a cup of hot tea...and happy. Will all the moments be like that? No. I'm here for them all. If I need help I'll get help. That's the advantage of the money. That I can afford to hire any help I need. I'm grateful for that. I've always said the only reason I want money is for the satisfaction of giving it away. Helping others, Paying for uniforms for school for people I meet on my travels. To me that's the only thing that money is good for. My sister would spend it on trips to Cabo, so yes, I would like for the end result to be fair so that I can actually do some good with the money my dad worked so hard to leave us.
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pleasegodhelp May 2022
I told a friend last year that I was rich and he said, "You feel rich????" I do.
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PGH, I'm so sorry that you think that what's going on is that we are being triggered by your lifestyle and that we're judgemental.

That's not it. It's that we keep hearing variations on your story-- long disconnected child who sees a real opportunity (it seems to them) to reconnect with a parent and heal that relationship. There is usually some sibling dysfunction at play and a sort of unconscious or unacknowledged remnants of the whole "Mom loves me best thing" running under it.

We get the desperate "how do I get my demented parent who is torturing me to death out of my house" plea. We are trying to warn you about what may lie ahead.

Folks with dementia frequently tell their visitors that they just need to get home. We hear from the folks who thought they were rescuing Granny or Aunt May from the clutches of the evil AL or NH, only to find that without the structure and support of that place and that staff, the patient falls apart.

You work at home. We hear from a lot of folks who thought they could do that. But a dementia patient starts insisting that they need to see, and talk to their caregiver every moment. They interrupt phone calls. Have to be toileted during Zoom conferences. Are up evey two hours or all night long.

AND then are the doctor appointments, dentist, hearing, eye exams, hair dresser. At least for my mom, some of that was "in house" when she was in a facility. And there was the immeasurable benefit of having a geriatric psychiatrist who came in and kept tabs on mom's mental state and meds.

We hear from the folks with the dementia patient at home who refuses to see doctors. Where the only recourse is calling 911 and further disorienting and damaging the patient.

Sorry if we didn't get all of this across in a way that was compassionate and understandable.

I wish you well.
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pleasegodhelp May 2022
I am aware of the part that projection plays in perception, especially when you're dealing with a subject that is so painful and personal to people. I'm sure everyone battles some degree of guilt over the choices that have to be made, be it conscious or not. The fact that my mom and I have the closest relationship is just a fact. It's not a desperate attempt "be the best". I was responding to someone's comment that their mother loved their husband best. This is a real thing in families. I'm simply saying that I'm the person who can best keep her calm. I don't trigger her. We played very similar roles in our birth families.

I am not long-disconnected. I cut ties with my sister for a very good reason, with my parents' support. I was so close to my parents for so many years. Until I was 45. I hung in there and came back over and over. My sister used to mock me for how close we were. When the moved back to our home state she said, "Maybe now you can get a boyfriend." I was not born to be paired. I knew that when I was 8. That had nothing to do with being too close to my parents. (anticipating the next attack, which is ironic given that this forum has the word "care" in it's very name.) I'm freakishly independent. That's a big part of what I came here to learn, to love myself as much as I love everyone else. Family was incredibly important to me. I was a person who showed up. I cared about everyone's feelings. I tried and tried and tried until I felt I would die if I kept trying.

I have literally never seen so much visceral anger and judgement coming from total strangers as I have here. I'm in it too. I've been though hell in the last 7 months. I managed to send out 300 orders in the weeks that followed my dad's death. I was frantically buying slippers and teddy bears for my mother in an attempt to comfort her. Covid was raging and I couldn't fly down to see her and she was literally begging me a dozen times a day. It was a nightmare. I was processing my sister and brother-in-law's abuse, fighting to get my mother's phone number, fighting to stay positive for her. She loved that teddy bear so much she talked about it and how much she needed and loved it for six days straight. She said the people she eats with took turns hugging it at the table so I went out and bought 20 more bears and had little kerchiefs made and sent her a huge box so she could pass out bears to anyone else who wanted one.

I think we all deserve a bit more credit and respect until we really know who we're talking to and what's going on. I saw another post from a guy talking about how his brother was abusing his mother and the responses were completely different. Total support. No challenging, no attacking... "REPORT IT NOW." "You have to help her!!!" So yeah...interesting. I can tell you I'll probably be stopping in her only when necessary in the future. About five years ago I made a pact with myself to surround myself only with people who love and support me. This forum rates a D- on that scale. Last thing I needed this week after putting offers on 3 houses and losing all of them -- while working full time.

I do very much appreciate your thoughtful response. I understand that talking about my positive energy about the situation to people who are deep in it is very likely to garner a negative response. This is the stuff that pushes you to your limits. I have no idea what lies ahead...what path her journey and mine are going to take but I do think it's important to start out as "cup half full" as you can. To have a group descend on me the way this one has, in an attempt to try to, I dunno...slap me out of what amounts to sheer joy at the chance of finally having a shot of making my mother as happy as she an be just feels incredibly toxic. I understand it but it's not a healthy supportive place for me to be. Maybe you don't understand what's it like to have zero power and what a gift it is to have a shot. To me it's an opportunity.
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I haven't read about the lifestyle, so no. It's things like this...

"There will be no greater reward than seeing her curled up on my couch in front of the fire with a cup of hot tea...and happy. "

...which speak of a complete absence of understanding of your mother's needs or the responsibilities involved in meeting them.

If she's lonely, go and visit her.
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pleasegodhelp May 2022
Do you know my mom? Do you know that she's incapable of curling up on my couch in front of the fire with a cup of hot tea...happy? I have already experienced this with her...seen the voice change and the body relax, seen the relief. A complete lasting change just at the promise of living with me. You have never even talked to her. You know nothing about her condition. I think deep down when someone says they're going to have someone evaluated, and if they are found capable keep them at home as long as they can something deep down in you questions your own choices. I followed that up by saying not every moment was going to be like that. There's a desperation in your determination to fight me on every point that tells me this isn't about me or my mom.
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PGH, do you have an eldercare attorney? Talk with her about the possibility of getting guardianship. I don't know if your mom is in need of that, but if she is no longer able to change her POA to you, then it's the only avenue, I believe.

While a lawyer can't do an evaluation, they will talk to a client to see if they understand what they are doing. If mom is still lucid enough to change POA, then let her do it.

BUT sissy will likely fight you and file for guardianship. So it might be better to get there first.

You'd want to go for both guardianship that covers both person and money--the ability to determine where she lives and the ability to use her funds for her care.

You want a lawyer certified by NELF. Best of luck. Please let us know how you get on.

Read this pamphlet.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
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To expand a bit; you need a lawyer because POA should be used to do what mom wants, unless she has been declared incompetent. Sister may certainly think she is "acting in mom's best interests" (and in fact I agree that folks with dementia NEED and benefit from professional care) but mom should be able to direct her funds if she pleases.

Get a NELF-certified lawyer to straighten this mess out.

BUT please be sure you understand what you're getting into.
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Frebrowser May 2022
Depending on the cost of living in the area, it sounds like there is plenty of money to cover extras like a larger apartment with maybe a guest room or at least space for an electric “fireplace.”
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PGH, just to address one of your earlier points.

You seem to think poorly of your sister for putting your mom in AL after the death of your dad.

Your mom has/d dementia. Your father covered it up. Like many caregivers, he predeceased the person he was caring for and had no back-up plan, apparently.

Did you expect your sister to take mom into her home and provide care for her? Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, especially not of a dementia patient. Admitting a demented parent to a good AL after the death of their partner and caregiver isn't abuse by any stretch.

If you are going to succeed in getting your mom and taking care of her, you are going to need a good lawyer and you are going to have to stop dredging up your sister's past sins (wanting a rich husband, liking vacations) and concentrating on making a case of what is best for mom.

Have you considered a good AL near where you want to put down roots?
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BurntCaregiver May 2022
The sister should have not been exuding her authority over the OP with all the being 'in charge' crap to keep her sister out of the loop if she wasn't planning on or unable to do anything for the mother or be her caregiver.
Like the OP states in the beginning of her story, her sister is using the POA as a means to settle old scores. This happens all the time in families.
The OP is not dredging up the past. From what she says here, the sister doesn't give two sh*ts about the mother. If she did then she wouldn't be saying things that the AL is going to kick her out. She wouldn't be sending letters stating all the things the mother can't do anymore like make friends or do puzzles, etc... That's not right.
If the sister refuses to be reasonable give over the POA to the OP who's actually interested and wants to take care of the mother, then she should indeed dredge up one specific bit from the past.
The bit about her sister's adultery behind her husband's back. That will likely make the sister very willing to be reasonable.
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Just a couple of observations - since I'm so late to the game.

One of my close friends, and my oldest daughter's best friend's mother to be exact, lost her dad last year. It was a shock - he was - to the naked eye- in good health. He was caring for his wife with AZ for about 2 years by that point, at home. So when he passed, his daughter immediately had to go to their home and get her mother. Her brother travels for work and was out of the country and quite frankly wouldn't have been the best choice because he hasn't seen their mom in a long time and was in for a shock to be honest. Anyway - they did their best to retrofit their home (which houses mom, dad and two college kids) to make grandma welcome while dealing with grandpa's death.

Why am I telling you this? Mom was still working full time. Within less than a week - mom had to quit a job that she loved - LOVED to care for her mom. WITHIN LESS THAN SEVEN DAYS. This is a job that she had worked so hard to get, had gone to school as an adult - this was the DREAM JOB. But she was so caught off guard by everything that was going on and they didn't have time to find care that fast and get her into a safe place. So she had to do what she had to do. But you talk about not understanding why they moved so fast to get her into a facility - if they knew they couldn't care for her - I do understand why. I don't mean to put too fine of a point on it, because you seem 100% convinced this is the right path but maybe it wasn't the right path for them.

And are you 100% sure that you know without a shadow of a doubt that you are right? Have you talked to her doctors for the latest assessment? Do you know how much she has deteriorated in the time that you have been gone? Dementia can go downhill fast. My grandmother has dementia - just early stages even. But my oldest daughter that is away at college was shocked at how much she has changed in just the last semester that she has been away from home.

You are set on this -and while that is up to you- you are thumbing your nose at the experience of a lot of years of caregiving that are trying to warn you to tread carefully here and consider things before you blow in and shake things up based on conversations with your mom. She has dementia AND she just lost her husband. That combination can be very difficult to dig through the mud with - she is confused and her stories while they may always be the same may not always be the truth. They may be HER truth, but they may not be the actual truth. People with dementia live in a different world.

You mention that your sister is a narcissist. I'm curious. YOU said that your parents told YOU a lot of not so nice things about your sister. YOU said they told you to run from her. YOU said that they were trying to protect YOU from your sister. All due respect. If you were still in contact with your parents, why on earth did they make this person their POA? I certainly would never make someone my POA that I didn't think had my best interests at heart and that I didn't really even like that much unless there was literally no one else that I could rely on that was a better choice. (and I would never make a narcissist my POA, I have one in my life and that is a big no from me) If she was such a bad choice, why did your dad choose her in the first place? You generally only make a person your POA if you believe they will make the best choices for you when you can't make them for yourself.
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notgoodenough May 2022
You bring up some excellent points, BEG...

I also have to wonder - if OP's parents continually maligned OP's sister to her over the long years, I wonder what they were telling OP's sister about OP during that same time? As you say, if sister is such a bad choice, why was she named POA in the first place?
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The simple solution for what you want for your mother is to file for guardianship of your mother.
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Here's where to start. File a petition for conservatorship/guardianship at the probate court in the town where your mother lives. You will not have to hire a lawyer to represent you, but it would be a good idea to. Your mother will have to have legal counsel representing her and her interests though. From what you say here your mother's income is at least $10,000 a month. That's retirement income so I'm assuming it's for life. Your mother will always be private-pay (not Medicaid) in that AL. They're not going to let her go without a fight.
So, you file the paperwork for conservatorship and hire a lawyer to represent your mother or her AL facility will. Do not tell your sister, or anyone at the AL, or even your mother. Keep it a secret until after you've filed the petition in the court.
Go with the lawyer you hire to represent your mother for the conservatorship/guardianship. Then explain to her what is going on and what you did. Then let the lawyer take it from there.
As for your sister and her settling of old scores. You have an ace in the hole you can play if she refuses to be reasonable, and you should play that card if you have to.
Next time she makes a threat to you, tell her you're going to invite your BIL out to lunch so you can catch up.
She'll know what you mean and will knock off the BS. If she doesn't pin that scarlet letter on her and tell everyone.
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BarbBrooklyn May 2022
I don't know what state the OP 's mom is in, but this is not the way the process works in NYS; here, the person seeking guardianship files and the court appoints a guardian ad litem and a lawyer to represent the person who is under examination; the person seeking guardianship has their own counsel and is considered the opposing party.

The OP should really first consult with a highly qualified Eldercare attorney who is licensed in the mom's state. S/he will be able to best advise on how to proceed. If mom agrees to guardianship/conservatorship, I believe that streamlines the process a bit.

Here's a good article from the AgingCare library:

https://www.agingcare.com/Articles/how-to-get-guardianship-of-elderly-parents-140693.htm
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I disagree with those recommending that op blackmail her sister by squealing about her sisters affair to her husband. It would be like if the sister had an abortion she didn’t tell her partner about, and the op threatened to tell him. Hey, let’s throw in the affair partner and his wife too, to threaten ruining THEIR lives as well…if OP doesn’t get her way.

OP, I suggest you immerse yourself in your moms AL experience before doing anything else. Airbnb it as close as possible, and visit her daily for 18 hours for two weeks.

The true extent of exactly what she needs help with will become apparent.
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To those suggesting I go for guardianship first (thanks for your responses).... I was told by both of the reps at the elder abuse departments in two states that the first thing I need to do is get her out of state. The were very adamant about this. We would essentially be seeking asylum. Starting the process of evaluation at a safe distance. We need time and space for her to share her feelings and get things in order so that once it all goes down my sister can't completely cut off our contact with each other. She can't see it coming. We need to have some support in place so that she understands she can't manipulate the situation. I need to get documents filed, and get her to doctors to confirm she is well enough to make her own decisions. I very much doubt my sister had any evaluations done before dropping her at AL. She just didn't want to take care of her and is now claiming she needs more professional supervision that she needs. Again, I know she needs a lot of assistance, 24/7 assistance, but I do believe I can provide that, along with some hired help. I need to see for myself what the doctor's say because nothing she says can be trusted.
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My sister does know that I know about things that I never asked to know and that one day I could tell her kids. I've never threatened to say a word and never would tell them but I know it gives her pause which is why she's just lashing out passive-aggressively rather than more overtly and why I don't think she'd take things too far once I get all this rolling. She's not very strong, is constantly sick and would probably bow out after firing a few shots over the bow.

When we lived near one another her daughter who was very young really loved me and asked her mom one night if she could stay for dinner. She returned to the table after calling her and looked really sad. We asked why. She said, "I shouldn't have asked her that. She sounded really sad." She was emotionally manipulating her own kids. Over a dinner invitation. My mom said later, "You know why she doesn't want you living here -- she's afraid her kids will like you more than her."
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BurntCaregiver May 2022
pleasegodhelp,

I've been an in-home caregiver by profession for almost 25 years. I'm currently one to my 80-something dysfunctional mother. So, I can speak from experience.
Assuming responsibility for a needy, elderly person, living with them, and being their caregiver 24/7 is never what a person thinks it's going to be. Especially when the elder is already in facility care.
Please think long and hard about what you're wanting to take on here.
My screen name is BurntCaregiver for a reason. Please don't make a decision until you talk to the people who care for your mother now in the AL. I don't mean the social workers or administration pencil-pushers. I mean the CNA's in the facility. Go and observe what their work day with your mother looks like. Don't make a hasty decision.
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PGH, the more you write, the more light you shed on what is/was clearly an extremely dysfunctional family dynamic.

You might want to seriously consider, before you commit to moving mom in and becoming her 24/7 caregiver, seeking therapy to help you navigate these emotions that seem to be roiling up, for your own sake. Because if you commit to this without it, the emotional overload alone is going to chew you up and spit you out.

I hope you can find a solution that will give you peace.
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PGH, I'm glad you reached out to whatever authorities and gotten consistent direction. I would still consult with an eldercare attorney to make sure that your actions would not be considered illegal.

At least where I live, one cannot "drop someone off" at an Assisted Living Facility. An assessment must be done before admission and the person judged in need of the support of an ALF for ADLs, medication management and/or other things.

I apologize for misunderstanding something you wrote previously; I thought it was your SISTER who had written to your mother, outlining what your mother was no longer capable of, not BIL.

Again, I am assuming that you are basing all of your decisions on verified communications from Sis and BIL, and not your mom's reportage. Folks with dementia, even mild dementia or mild cognitive impairment can be wildly inaccurate in their perception of what is being said to them. How do I know? Well, I went through this with my mom, who would "hear" what was being said to her by doctors, discharge planners, family. When I sought verification, there was simply no rhyme or reason to what she was telling me.

I am in the midst of trying to let my MCI-diagnosed DH arrange his own cataract surgery; his ability to remember what has been said to him accurately is no more. I went out for a few minutes the other day and came back to find that what he thought was the surgery and the pre-surg testing that he'd arranged (all in one day) was not what the scheduler had told him at all. And he was convinced that he'd spoken to her 2 days before, when the actual appointment t had only been yesterday. Trust, but verify.

Find that lawyer. Being charged with kidnapping is no joke.
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babsjvd May 2022
You are so right about what was said , and what was actually said. My mom told her care givers she didn’t have to walk to the dining room anymore pur the doctor…. Doctor actually said she preferred she go for meals but if she didn’t she needed to walk the hall twice a day…neither ever happened…
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PGH,
Go to the al. Be there for every waking moment for two weeks to observe exactly where mom is adl wise and observe exactly how the caregivers handle her needs.
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Beatty May 2022
Yes. Trial of care duties. Excellent idea.
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pleasegodhelp,

Bottom line. Bewteen you and your sister you're the one who cares about your mom and wants to care for her. Your mom wants to be with you as well. There's no good enough reason why that isn't happening.
You say your sister doesn't care if you take the responsibility for mom, so long as she stays in control of the money. So that pretty much tells me what's nearest and dearest to her heart and it's not your mother.
People don't always have to take the high road on everything. Sometimes it's okay to do a small bad thing if it will result in greater good.
Your sister is allowed to be unreasonable because no one really calls her out on anything. You're holding one valuable card though. You probably won't even have to play it. Just the threat that you have the option to will likely be enough to get your sister to see reason and sign over POA to you legally.
Ask her if her if holding onto mom's POA to be in control of her money is more important to her than her marriage. She'll be reasonable.
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BarbBrooklyn May 2022
At least in my state, you can't "sign over" POA on someone else. Eldercare attorney advice is desperately needed in this fraught situation.

https://www.legalzoom.com/articles/transferring-power-of-attorney
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Siblings fighting for attention of a parent?

Victim (Mom) Persucuter (Sister) Rescuer (OP). That's what I see here. Standard drama triangle.

Please get out of the triangle!

Put MOM'S needs centre. She needs dementia specialised care. Not a dream. Even a well intentioned one.

Be a good visitor for your Mom instead.
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AlvaDeer May 2022
I almost always agree with you. I don't see that here and we don't have the Sister's view nor do we know the Mom's diagnosis.
What I see here is a Sister who was chosen as POA by her parent when they were well and alive, a father who was caring for a mother with dementia, and who died, a sister with POA who has placed her Mom in good care, and is now being attacked in every single way under the earth for doing what is her duty.
Our OP has accused Sister and BIL who she has been out of contact with for 25 years of cheating, of shooting a dog in the head, of abuse, of narcissism.
I see an OP who is unrealistic, who lives in RV and who talks of all the money her Dad made by being in Netflix, who says she thinks her Mom (who has dementia) can buy one half a home and I don't know who buys the other half, and she can care for her Mom.
I see a sister so overwhelmed by her attacks that she has said "Welcome to her; make the arrangements" but who is meanwhile protecting Mom and her money.
That's what my impression is of this situation.
So it shows to me, just how two of us can look at a situation and come out believing polar opposites.
Were I the sister I would have a restraining order by now.
Were I the OP I would visit, be loving and supportive to my Mom and comfort her without putting her in the middle of this.
But that's just me.
Others here believe ever single word our OP has uttered after 25 years absence from the scene.
I would be happy to see the OP take this guardianship case to court; and sad for her loss of 10,000 and the court case to do it.
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"There's a desperation in your determination to fight me on every point that tells me this isn't about me or my mom." - the OP says, having just argued that I haven't met any of the persons concerned.

On every point? One point. I selected one, which however I believe to be a telling one. The only other comment I have made on this thread has been to applaud Alva's measured initial answer.

The irony is not that I did care for my mother at home until the end of her life, though it is very kind of BB to remember that. The irony is that, in my new working life, service policy is so strongly in favour of elders' aging in place that during the last week alone, as part of a team, I supported three individuals whose quality of life I feel strongly would be much better managed in residential care.

I won't mince matters: I doubt if my co-workers have ever read our corporate documents because they are about health and social care service commissioning, dry as dust, and scarcely relevant to the daily reality of meeting individuals' needs. So it escapes us, as we drive round the county keeping people clean, fed, on time with their medications, dressed as they prefer to be, warm (or cool), comforted, safe... It doesn't enter in to what we actually do all day that the purpose of our service is to save public money. A stitch in time saves nine; a worker reporting a uti in time for prompt treatment prevents a hospital admission; a team helping a person adapt at home to disabilities or failing abilities prevents permanent admission to residential care at enormous public expense.

I am aware that our jobs are there to save money, and the principle isn't distasteful to me. I am very glad to know that my modest wages assist sound economic policy. But that isn't why I leave home at six in the morning and skip to my car: I love this job because I actually do believe in supporting individual choice, and if it is humanly possible to achieve sustainable quality of life to the end of life at home I will do my level best to contribute to it.

So my answer to the question "does my mom have the right to choose who cares for her?" is an emphatic yes. Absolutely she does. And she first exercised it when she created POA and gave it to the child she trusted to make sound decisions in her best interests.

But it doesn't stop there, and it doesn't end ever. If the mother is unhappy, if the POA has not attempted to take her known preferences into account, if there are still options which might improve her quality of life, there is scope for review of her care plan. Always. No decision has to be final as long as mother is still with us.

I repeat that I haven't attempted to read every post because I am tired and I have just completed an eight day working week. But one update from the OP stated that Step One of her proposed new care plan was to remove mother from her ALF, take her out of state, and then apply for guardianship.

I am going to relax with a cup of tea and amuse myself by picturing the expression on the Head of Adult Safeguarding's face if that proposal were put to her.
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BurntCaregiver May 2022
Country,

Many times giving a person what they need is not the same as giving them what they want.
The mother who gave her POA over to the "bad" sister. Her reasons are her own.
She does not want to be in an AL facility so is crying to her other daughter (the OP) about it because she wants out.
I always advise a person to think long and hard before deciding to take on the caregiving of a needy elder in their home. Think doubly hard if the elder is already in facility care.
As you would know from being an experienced in-home caregiver yourself, it's never what people think it's going to be.
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Alva,

The "bad" sister was given the POA. She did not fly up on her broomstick and get it through an evil spell.
The "good" sister wasn't given the POA. What's the reason for this? The OP doesn't go into any detail, only stating that the narcissistic sister got it "somehow". There's a reason.
I'm sorry your daughter is estranged from you. That is very sad. No child ever starts of hating their parent for no reason.
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pleasegodhelp May 2022
Thank you for your kind words, B.C. I could not agree more. Also glad for the quotes. I don't resonate with the whole good/bad us/them dynamic anymore. We are all walking wounded. The difference is how we handle our wounds and yes...I've learned, sadly, that people who are estranged from their kids are usually estranged for a reason. I learned that the hard way on many occasions. There are exceptions but pouncing on someone who is estranged from their parents because your child is estranged from you just kind of proves the point. I'm not your child. I'm someone else's child. A part of another family with it's own unique story.

If you knew my dad you would understand the why. Big ego. Very stubborn. And a very intimate relationship with denial. Very covertly controlling. And lots of regrets. This was surely one of his greatest because he did want his wife to be loved and cared for and just couldn't bother to sit with me for five minutes to hear me and validate a single feeling and simply say, "I understand why that would hurt. I'll try to be more sensitive." I literally told him what I needed him to say and he wouldn't do it. Very big on sentimental soliloquys but dead set on not looking at his own stuff or offering you the simplest crumb of acknowledgement. All words, no action. I finally had to draw a hard line, for my own health. And it was the best thing I ever did but I suspected things would end this way and they did.

He really made an effort early in life. He saw what was going on and would take my mom to coffee shops and tell her "We can't kill her spirit." Later in life he joined her and they tag-teamed with abandon. They had two wonderful friends who were both counselors and they would greet me at the door when I showed up in tears and sandwich me in hugs. They told me they did see that my parents were remarkably codependent and that I wasn't crazy. My dad is gone now and my mother is, in many ways better for it. She's was always a delight when he wasn't around. We would return laughing and happy from a day out and he would pout and scowl. It was so messed up.

But really...thank you. I wish you all the best... ♥
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