My mom has dementia (partially) and Parkinson’s. She is immobile and has to be carried or pushed in a wheelchair. That’s not the hard part. The hard part is her neediness. She’s constantly asking for the same things and states the same worries. What I don’t understand is that sometimes she can be very coherent. Then some stressor triggers her and here comes the nagging and drama. What I’m struggling with is feeling any sympathy for her. She has never been mean to me. But she’s always been emotionally unavailable to me. I’ve always felt like I had to be perfect for her to love and accept me. I didn’t realize the pressure this placed on my life until I had a breakdown a few years back. Now that she needs me, I simply don’t have any desire to be there for her. She didn’t willingly take care of her parents (who both had dementia and one also had Parkinson’s). She would step up if asked but never with a cheerful attitude. I remember this. She’s never been a cheerful person. I know life hasn’t been easy for her. I just wished we had an emotional bond so I can care for her out of love. Right now I’m resentful and really don’t understand why I can’t get over it and just be there for her the way a daughter should be. I’m seeking replies from those who have any understanding of where I’m coming from. I don’t need judgement. I’ve judged myself enough.
I am a terrific caregiver. A real beast.
I even work out at home every day since I can't go to a gym.
Do you think I am happy with my life?
For goodness sake.
My mother liked to publicize that everything was wonderful between us, but in my mind, it wasn't. She had dementia (fully, LOL) for 5 years. It was terrible to see her suffering, and I was much relieved when she finally passed at 95. I managed her care, performed some of it, kept the business going to support her and dad, neglected my own work, navigated other pesky family relationships on her behalf, and yes, I resent it all to this day. She was married to my dad for 70 years but didn't help me with him at all when he was dying. When I asked for help (that she wouldn't have had to do herself because she had an employee she could have spared to grocery shop for dad and me one afternoon a week, which is what I was asking), she refused while telling other family members that she just couldn't think of any way to help. She wrongfully attacked my character when I was only 10. I cried for days because of what she said, still get teary over it sometimes, and I never felt the same about her after that. I was the scapegoat who caused her to get a cold at the school Halloween carnival because if I hadn't been going to school there (no choice, so ???), she wouldn't have had to help with the go-fish booth (her choice, but somehow my fault, so ?????). She lied about me to family members when I was an adult, disliking me for something I didn't even do; it was all made up in her head out of need for attention, and she got a lot of sympathy for her "pain." She was addicted to pain pills and tobacco during my childhood, which greatly affected our home life. She had an affair when I was a teenager, disrupting our household considerably. As a child, I didn't realize how unstable she was overall. I learned early that at my times of greatest need, I couldn't count on her. Then caring for her in her final illness stole 5 years of my life.
So yeah, a lot of us have had stressors as you do. We survived. I moved my family 900 miles away from my mother when my kids were tiny tots, and it was the best thing I could have done. We then had a better relationship because she couldn't feed off of my daily life to create drama.
You say you can't "just be there for her the way a daughter should be." Well, how should a daughter be? You get to decide that. Your kind of daughtering is up to you. My kind was to move far away and maintain a friendly relationship because of my kids. Your kind might be to stop speaking to your mom. Or limit contact to infrequent visits in her care facility, no phone calls, no sappy kissy huggy stuff.
Please let us know what you decide to do!
And just so you're aware the dementia that usually goes hand in hand with Parkinson's is Lewy Body dementia which is the 2nd most progressive dementia with a life expectancy of just 5-7 years, so she will go down hill quickly and will be much harder to take care of.
With your justified feelings, it may be time to look into getting mom placed in the appropriate facility where she'll be looked after 24/7 and you can get back to just being her daughter and not her resentful and overwhelmed caregiver, as I have a feeling that you'll only grow more and more resentful as time passes and that isn't fair to either of you.
It also sounds like she has cold mother syndrome. That's a thing. Ive spent my life trying to figure out why I thought my mom didn't love me.
You've already had one breakdown.
You need to continue taking care of your needs and mental health first and get your boundaries in place.
Take care.
Dementia also robs you of empathy. The person can get self-centered. Lewy body can make people aggressive. IMO, if your Mom is now in a wheelchair and Dementia has set in and you don't feel you can care for Mom, time to place her. I would say Longterm care because she will only get worse. She is too much for a private Assisted Living or Memory care. I would say a nice Longterm care that takes Medicaid if she has no assets. I agree that you need to talk to an Elder Care Lawyer.
I accepted (again, not entirely but for the most part) that I did not have an emotional bond with mom. I got through the weekly visits by thinking of them as a job. I knew the job would end sometime, and it did.
you can the concentrate on the things that need to be done; like, being there for your mom as a daughter, living, loving, and caring.. you don't need to stay in the facility for any longer than her energy allows...
mom may be getting tired snd needs to rest.. take her cue of grumpiness and excuse yourself..I forgot I have frozen food in the car, I must go..
don't forget to leave her treats and for her caregivers.. even if it's just a roll of Lifesavers...! But then again they may be a choking hazard..⚠️
She needs professional care now by a team of caregivers. You can go back to being her daughter again and relieve yourself of some of the resentment that goes along with 24/7 caregiving. Because one day you can easily hurt your back badly from carrying the woman around! As we age, our spine is not meant to carry such loads. In care, they have Hoyer lifts to do the heavy lifting. Please realize you're not a one woman care team. Look out for yourself now while still loving and helping mom with her new needs in managed care.
Wishing you good luck and the ability to realize that YOUR life matters too.
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