I am not sure what is going on here, but I am getting very suspicious about my mother's doctor and his lack of a firm diagnosis. He refuses to diagnose her with dementia.
My mother has been seeing the same doctor for maybe 15 years. He started out by treating her for things like depression and ulcerative colitis, and she has been diagnosed with Celiac disease. The amount of medications she takes is staggering - she also has other compounding health problems that are treated with medication.
She has been on so many medications over the years that she has developed Tardive Dyskinesia. To make things worse, she drinks several glasses of wine with her medications, and that causes her inhibitions to fly even further out the window to the point where she will intentionally cause her 9 year old grandson to cry or otherwise lose control of his emotions. On top of the dementia itself she has been on gabapentin/pregablin for several years for something called Fibromyalgia, which I understand a lot of doctors think is B.S. One of the major side effects of these drugs is the prevention of the formation of new memories. She has dementia, and this doctor of hers continues to prescribe her both heavy narcotics and other medications that negatively alter the way her brain works.
She spends all her money on gourmet pet food and animals, including possums and skunks, which defecate IN her house/garage on a regular basis. The smell is appalling. Animal Control has informed me that they have been called 12 times in the last 7 years about her. They issue her a warning about once a year for all the stray cats climbing around her house and destroying neighbors' property. She also calls 911 on random family members with made-up, inconsistent stories. Last week she called one person and told them I was "beating her cats up real bad" when she found one of them run over in the road and another limping because it got its leg stuck in a fence.
Her doctor is aware of every bit of this. Her doctor is aware of the fact that she gave a complete stranger (a crackhead) the keys to her car last year. He drove off with it, naturally, but she claims no fault. There have been so many other incidents that obviate her condition that I have lost all faith in this doctor, and the only direction my thoughts can go when trying to comprehend what his plans are for her are down the path of suspicion and malcontent.
What can we do? My mother needs to be in a nursing home/psychiatric ward, at least for some sort of diagnosis so my family can know what exactly we are dealing with and where to start looking for help. We have been pleading with her doctor's office for the last three years in an attempt to get even a psychiatric evaluation out of them to no avail. It was only recently that her driver license got medically revoked, likely in large part due to the fact that I wrote the state Medical Advisory Board a terse letter about her driving habits and relevant incidents. I gave them his information in the letter and outlined some of this rant in a more formal presentation.
The only help we've had from her doctor's office is this person that comes by once a week, starting a few weeks ago, to check her vitals and drive off. My mother has already developed the habit of rescheduling/cancelling the appointments/lying about her abilities and condition to the nurses.
How can I get someone to listen to what is going on?
Maybe I am the crazy one!
Perhaps it would be best all round if the state did step in. No? Why not?
And, so who's taking care of grandpa?
Until something happens as an emergency there is little you or anyone else can do. Just wait it out. Put the emergency services in her area on notice that there are definitely mental problems with your mom.
How do you know she has not been diagnosed? Do you attend doc appointments with her? Do you have her POA? Maybe she has been diagnosed but has not told you? My mom did not tell us for a number of years, at that point it was obvious something was going on.
It is extremely hard in this country to force an adult to do anything against their wishes, unless they have been declared incompetent (which is different that being diagnosed with dementia). So you cannot force your mother to go for in-patient psychiatric evaluation (although that sounds like a very good idea), nor can her doctor. Most states have the "Baker act" (sometimes called something different) that allows holding an adult against their will for 72 hours if their behavior is harmful to themselves or others. Look into how this works in your state, and be prepared to put it into motion when appropriate.
You are suspicious of your mother's doctor. Maybe you are justified. Maybe he really doesn't have her best interests at heart, and is just treating her to keep the insurance money rolling in. Have you tried to get your mother to see a different doctor?
But some of your suspicions don't seem well-grounded, to me. Have a look at the article called Fibromyalgia misconceptions: Interview with a Mayo Clinic expert (just copy that into Google search line). Her doctor has the Mayo Clinic on his side in thinking Fibromyalgia is an actual illness and deserves treatment.
I don't see how your mother's excessive drinking makes you suspicious of her doctor. If you can't get her to change this habit, why do you think her doctor should be able to?
Many people take a "staggering" amount of drugs, if they have a "staggering" number of medical problems. If a doctor just keeps adding drugs without evaluating periodically whether some should be dropped or changed, that is bad news. But if all the drugs are given for a reason and monitored closely, the sheer number of them would not make me suspicious. If your mother is having side effects from certain drugs, that should definitely be reported to her doctor.
"Yet here I sit, unable to come to terms with the fact that I might have to have her committed, that I am not in her will, and that I am unable to act in spite of these facts because she is still my mother and I can't bear the thought of her living out the last few miserable years of her life in a padded cell where she truly belongs."
Look. Just think of everything you have been through, all you've sacrificed. And think of how your mother has been living. And now tell me that it was worth all the price you paid because your mother was so much better off.
Your mother needs help that you can't give her, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try. God knows you've tried.
Make some important phone calls in the morning. *Get help.*
I'm going back now to see what the "not in her will" part was about.
You might have to have her committed. I don't know if there are any padded cell rooms any more, but I highly doubt your mother would wind up in one. There are care centers specifically set up to deal with dementia. A century ago my aunt and uncle worked at an "insane asylum" and physical restraint was deemed necessary to control violent behaviors. Such places do not exist anymore. Now restraint is achieved, if necessary, through medications and there are laws against over-medicating just for the convenience of the facility. Do some research online and/or visit some of the facilities that might serve your mother. I think you will find they are far, far less horrible than you are imagining.
Many of the posters on this forum have parents or spouses in memory care facilities.
I don't often talk about the duties of sons and daughters to their parents. I think such duties are very limited. But in this situation, I think you have a duty to act in your mother's best interest, since she clearly cannot. And it would be in her best interests for her to be in a facility than can meet her needs. For you to neglect this because you "can't bear the thought" seems a little self-centered, don't you think? Think about your mother's needs first, and then deal with your emotional pain. Come back here often, and we'll help you.
I'm hoping your name is referring to your small pet.
It sounds like you've been through the ringer. But after you get the situation with your mom straightened out and get her placed in a facility, your life will get back on track. You will be able to restart your job and take care of your son. So, think positive and positive things will come your way.
You need to call the police to get the CORRECT number for an emergency medical warrant for evaluation. Also, alert Adult Protective Services right now. Tell both of these agencies her most bizarre behavior and keep it to just a few sentences. That should get the ball rolling. Tell them she's a danger to herself. You should hear back quickly.
Good luck. Once the ball is rolling, things will fall into place. She will get the help she needs and you will have peace of mind that she's no longer able to "run free" with her strange behavior. You will also have your life back.
Good luck and we're here for you.
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