Doc wants to medicate ME!
From all the stress of dealing with my husband, I have developed hoarseness. I am convinced that there is nothing physically wrong, it is just stress. When I talk to people on the phone when I am not home, they immediately comment that my voice sounds so much better.
My husband insisted that I had to talk to the doctor about my clearing my throat "so much" (maybe a few times a day -- while he sits and sucks his teeth for hours on end, every twenty seconds or so). So I mentioned it to the doctor at my annual this week. Her answer is for me to go on an anti-anxiety medication, Lexapro. If I refuse that, then she is referring me to an ENT.
I absolutely do not want to take a medication I feel I do not need to help me "cope" with my husband's behavior. But I also don't want to go to an ENT and have to submit to testing.
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I do know allergies and acid reflux can cause it. Drainage from sinus also.
I was so stressed with caregiving that I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t breathing. He taught me breathing exercises that I practiced. It helped me tremendously.
This is a great point that often goes overlooked! We take breathing for granted and when we are stressed many of us aren’t breathing properly.
"Insists"?
Tell him "No, that doesn't suit me any longer".
GG, you hold ALL the cards here. Where would he be if you were not there to care for him?
It's interesting that your husband has noticed this - his sucking his teeth may be a habit he doesn't even realize he's developed. Perhaps it's due to anxiety or some other reason.
It's puzzling that people you talk to on the phone comment on how much better your voice sounds. That doesn't make a great deal of sense if your voice has developed a hoarseness.
You may have developed a post-nasal drip, which results in your attempting to clear your throat or the air you breath may contain so little moisture that you mouth is becoming dry & you're unaware of it.
Then, it's possible there's some other reason for your voice becoming hoarse.
Personally, I think you should get checked out by an ENT specialist; but, it's your call.
To clarify about the phone -- when I am not at home or dh is not at home and I talk on the phone, then people say my voice sounds better. When dh is sitting next to me, muttering and commenting and criticizing the whole way through the conversation (and he insists that some phone calls have to be in his presence, like the call to my father every night at 7:00), then my voice is hoarse. Same phones (either home or cell), same me, different circumstances.
And quite honestly, other than the grocery store and the post office, I don't talk or see anyone outside the house.
On the plus side, I am going to dgs's t-ball game today. Dh feels he is too tired / weak / in pain to sit outside to watch a t-ball game. However, if someone contacts him about golfing, he'll be out the door lickety split. He tried real hard to guilt me last night about going but I stood my ground.
I have parented, driven, and graduated from Grad school with honors while on ADs.
If DH can golf and you think you can do without caregivers, then you can leave for several hours during the day and take a walk in the park. Or visit your therapist. Or sit at home and read in another room.
Your depression, which I believe your doctor picked up on, is leading you to think in very black/white terms. ADs can help with this.
The other thing that strikes me is that your marriage was apparently troubled 30 years ago (in the 90s, you say). Yet you feel that a dementia dignosis long after that fact is a reason, not only stay, which I get, but to bow down to his very illigitimate behavioral demands.
I think you are digging yourself into a hole from which you may not escape.
A very wise poster here, JeanneGibbs, cared for her husband Coy during his long battle with Lewy Body dementia. She alsways said "I can't promise not to put you in a nursing home, but I will never abandon you". It has always struck me as being a wise and compassionate response. And I seem to recall her mentioning thay she was greatly helped by a low dose of antidepressant.
GG, if there is one thing Ive learned in life, it is that it's usually not the most troubled person in a relationship who seeks treatment, it's the one who realizes that they must adjust their thinking to deal with the situation. Meds and talk therapy both help with this.
I am so sorry that your husband has caused so much pain and stress in your life.
You can looks on Webmed and pic the pill section. I tells you about the med.
Thank you for reading and I hope this helped. Jane Osborne
How did you manage that trip? Did he go to respite care or did you have caregivers come in?
Are all of his (and your) legal documents in place, i.e., will, POA, living will? Have you seen an eldercare attorney about getting him qualified for Medicaid, if that is how his care is going to be paid for? Do you realize that as the Community Spouse, you will be protected and not impoverished?
His dementia is only going to get worse. What are your plans for the future?
Yes, legal documents are in place, I just reviewed them again a few weeks ago. Have not seen an eldercare attorney or even thought about Medicaid. I will look into that.
He saw a pulmonologist today, referred by rheumatologist. He refused all diagnostic tests and the doctor pointed out that the possibility of a ventilator would be very real if he doesn't allow himself to receive the care he needs. He told the doc, nope, no ventilator, just let me go. Doc looked at me and asked if this has been discussed between us and do we have the proper documentation in place. I affirmed we did.
My plans for the future are one day at a time right now. He asked me a few weeks ago to promise to never put him in a nursing home. I was silent. The next day I broached the topic and told him that I could not make that promise but that I would do what was best for him in conjunction with our kids.
Before calling an ENT, I would call a divorce lawyer.
Dh will glare and make disapproving sounds when I read in his presence. I can play games on my tablet but not read a magazine or book. (And yes, I have the kindle app on my tablet and do sneak read books there!) No physical violence has ever happened.
He is more than aware of his bad habit. He gets very defensive if I mention it. "You don't know what it is like to be me."
And yes, in 2017 after a seizure that put him in the hospital, I refused to bring him home until there was a psych eval. My dd (lives eight hours away) was there and supported me in this. Before the psych eval, a doctor came in with the results on his MRI. He pointed out an area of old injury, possibly even back to his high school football days in the 70s, and said that it was evidence of frontotemporal disorder, then told me that was another word for dementia. It was kind of like a light bulb going off for me because it explained why his behavior had become so awful since 2013. Then the psychiatrist came in and, among other things, administered the MMSE. He got just about every answer wrong. The psychiatrist diagnosed mild cognitive disorder, then told me "that's another word for dementia." Light bulb just got brighter. He was referred to a neurologist who did another MMSE and decided to back off on the mild cognitive disorder diagnosis based on what she saw in the office visit as he interacted with her. (But he still failed that MMSE as well, just not as spectacularly this time.) And she, (nor any other doctor) has ever addressed the FTD in spite of me bringing it up privately and asking for it to be discussed. I'm glad my dd was there that day and heard both doctors give their dementia diagnosis. My own doctor gave me a book for understanding dementia and signs to look for as it progresses. That little book has been so on target for what I see in him.
I used to have a ladies Bible study group I went to, even began developing some relationships there -- going out to lunch once a month. And I used to get together with former co-workers -- again lunch once a month. But of course all that stopped in March. And I used to get together with my other dd once a month for a walk in a state park but she moved ten hours away last summer. The only thing I do now is babysit grandkids (those two boys were a terror yesterday!) occasionally or grocery shop.
As far as seeing the ENT, I am probably going to tell him that the office doesn't allow him to accompany me, otherwise he is going to insist on coming along."
So he glares. Big deal. Is the approval of someone with brain damage so important? (That sounds harsh to me; but it is the truth)
Think twice before going back to the Bible study group. The line about “I am still head of this household and you will do what I say" comes from St Paul and various other bits of the Bible, and is not what Jesus ever said. Your husband’s comments may mean that he has latched on to some texts that suit controlling men, and are not the way that Jesus ever thought. Perhaps find a different Bible study group that won’t reinforce submission as the duty of a good wife.
Learning to stand up to your husband may not go down too well, but in your circumstances it probably won’t result in divorce (and divorce is not nice to go through, believe me). Husband has too much to lose.
Find someone to talk to who will come from a different perspective from your doctor. It’s true that this is a very stressful situation now, and may get more stressful. A mild tranquiliser might help, in my own experience, and doesn’t have to continue if you decide to stop. Don’t take it if you don’t want to, but don’t be ideologically opposed to it. You need all the help you can get!
Clearing your throat a few times a day, and not if you are out of the house, doesn’t sound like an urgent medical issue. However it might make it easier to move to a different GP. This one sounds like he still follows 19th century Freud – women are hysterical, nervous & unbalanced, and probably messed up sexually.
Thank you for coming to the Forum. It’s a great first step. Now work out the second step! Yours, Margaret
And I know NOW that there is a lot of erroneous teaching based on misinterpreted bible verses. We were subjected to that kind of teaching while we were engaged and in the early years of our marriage (mid-70s). My husband never let go of that but I did in recent years. The bible study I was attending confirmed for me the things I was starting to understand.
When my husband was diagnosed with cancer, 20 years ago, HIS doctor sent Paxil home for me, because he said I would need it. It’s the mildest anti-depressant, I think. I didn’t even know I was on it, no side effects, just a little better.
Is he aware of his bad habit? That's a lot of teeth sucking. Have you ever recorded him doing it and showed it to him? Some posts seemed to mention that he had dementia but I couldn't find where they got that information-if that's true, then informing him of his habit probably will not help.
I did read that you say you'll probably see an ENT. One good thing about that will be that you'll be out of the house and away from the annoyance while you're there. And, whatever it is that you do when you speak of not being at home, is it possible for you to do more of those things? It seems like you feel as though you're better off while you're away, and you are free to speak with others then. Do you feel comfortable mentioning any of this to them?
I know I clear my throat a lot, but I have GERD, post nasal drip and thyroid issues so I'm aware that it can be bothersome to others - yours doesn't sound that bad though so you shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.
Dh will glare and make disapproving sounds when I read in his presence. I can play games on my tablet but not read a magazine or book. (And yes, I have the kindle app on my tablet and do sneak read books there!) No physical violence has ever happened.
He is more than aware of his bad habit. He gets very defensive if I mention it. "You don't know what it is like to be me."
And yes, in 2017 after a seizure that put him in the hospital, I refused to bring him home until there was a psych eval. My dd (lives eight hours away) was there and supported me in this. Before the psych eval, a doctor came in with the results on his MRI. He pointed out an area of old injury, possibly even back to his high school football days in the 70s, and said that it was evidence of frontotemporal disorder, then told me that was another word for dementia. It was kind of like a light bulb going off for me because it explained why his behavior had become so awful since 2013. Then the psychiatrist came in and, among other things, administered the MMSE. He got just about every answer wrong. The psychiatrist diagnosed mild cognitive disorder, then told me "that's another word for dementia." Light bulb just got brighter. He was referred to a neurologist who did another MMSE and decided to back off on the mild cognitive disorder diagnosis based on what she saw in the office visit as he interacted with her. (But he still failed that MMSE as well, just not as spectacularly this time.) And she, (nor any other doctor) has ever addressed the FTD in spite of me bringing it up privately and asking for it to be discussed. I'm glad my dd was there that day and heard both doctors give their dementia diagnosis. My own doctor gave me a book for understanding dementia and signs to look for as it progresses. That little book has been so on target for what I see in him.
I used to have a ladies Bible study group I went to, even began developing some relationships there -- going out to lunch once a month. And I used to get together with former co-workers -- again lunch once a month. But of course all that stopped in March. And I used to get together with my other dd once a month for a walk in a state park but she moved ten hours away last summer. The only thing I do now is babysit grandkids (those two boys were a terror yesterday!) occasionally or grocery shop.
As far as seeing the ENT, I am probably going to tell him that the office doesn't allow him to accompany me, otherwise he is going to insist on coming along.
From your comments:
"There are no others. And he denies the dementia and likes to stay, "I may be sick but I am still head of this household and you will do what I say.""
NO ONE should have to take this kind of crap. NO ONE has the right to tell you what you will or won't do, period. Just because HE states he is head of household doesn't mean it is true, and it doesn't mean anything really. That's more of a Master/Slave relationship.
"I thought as a submissive wife I had to subject myself to that. I now know differently."
A step in the right direction. You do NOT have to subject yourself to this garbage. You DON'T have to AND shouldn't subject yourself to any of his crap.
"Yes, I do need to take a stand for myself but I want to know I have the support of others to back me up. Right now I do not have that."
Again, a step in the right direction, except you DO have our support! Granted we are online, you can't meet with us or have us over to set him straight, but we have your back! As noted in my other comment, been there (not as bad, but still...), done that. Verbal, emotional and psychological abuse is insidious. At some point you begin to believe what the other person says - you need to stand strong and break that cycle!
"Time away from my husband is impossible. Yes, I have to be in his presence constantly. I pay the price with verbal and emotional manipulation if I'm even gone longer than he thinks necessary for grocery shopping."
Why is time away impossible? Because he says so? You do what YOU want to do. If you are "late" returning from whatever, too bad. If he starts with verbal and emotional abuse, walk away. Go out again and return when YOU want to return. If he can go off golfing, he doesn't need your attention, care and personal presence 24/7. He may demand it, but he doesn't need it and shouldn't get it! Your son walks away when he starts, you should follow suit!
Is there a reason why you stay? Financial issues? No where to go? If there is no way to move him or you, then about all you can do is get away from this controlling situation whenever you can. Stand up to his crap. Sometimes bullies will continue to bully because they get away with it. Take a book and sit down in front of him to read it. He starts about that, put him in his place. If he verbally or physically tries to stop you, take your book and leave. Read to your heart's content! You shouldn't have to hide in another room to do anything. Get out whenever you WANT to get out. Stay away however long YOU want. His "need" to have you there sounds only like control, not an actual need.
If possible, restart that counseling - it may save your life! You need the support they can give you and perhaps advise for how to break this cycle. If you don't, it won't get better on it's own. Also, as dementia progresses, his behavior can get worse. That verbal abuse can drift into physical abuse. If he ever threatens you, get out and call 911. Husband or not, he is breaking the law and you need protection!
Too many doctors today think a pill will cure what ails us. I think the general public had a hand in this, but it doesn't have to continue! Certainly there are medications that might be necessary or might help, but if there is an alternative that doesn't require taking medication, I'm all for it. As someone else said, having this doc suggest anxiety meds, but then going on to referral to ENT when the medication was refused seems a bit odd. Personally I think having a doc explore reasons WHY one might have symptoms would be first, and then if no resolution, perhaps chalk it up to stress. Even if it IS stress, one should make every attempt to eliminate the stress rather than "medicate" it away! I've had docs suggest meds (cholesterol - resolved that w/out meds, osteoporosis meds, nope, never!) As long as I can avoid medications, I will! If there's no alternative and it might be life-threatening, then I will consider it.
I haven't been able to dig up the previous discussions mentioned regarding your mother and husband and your profile doesn't list anything. From reading the comments, I can only guess - husband has dementia, but denies? How far along is this? What is the Dx and prognosis?
The rest of your replies sounds more like you are in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't have to be physical, it can be emotional and verbal. The worst part about that is no one else sees the bruises, so they don't understand. My ex wasn't as bad, but was drifting into that (we weren't old, no dementia involved, had young kids and it likely would have gotten worse had we stayed together.) He went to family counselor, but clearly his goal was to peg ME as the problem and seek custody of the kids, his way to control and hurt me. I didn't really want to go, but had an inkling what his motives were. After only 1/2 hr with me, then a session with both of us, where the counselor reiterated his complaints and my responses, it resulted in a lot of "well, yeah, she's right" from the ex. At the end, the counselor looked at him and stated that when he came in, I was painted as being the problem, but in his opinion, HE was the problem and HE was guilty of verbal abuse and neglect! Eye-opening for ME! All while the kids were growing up, he tried his best to intimidate me and make trouble. I was able to stand up to him, partly thanks to that counselor.
Another oddity is many times during a checkup, I would be asked if I felt threatened or under duress from anyone. I was living alone (with kids and after), so no, there was no issue there (other than the crap he would try, to no avail.) Given your situation, I am surprised this doc hasn't addressed your issues. Perhaps they haven't come up? Perhaps you need to enlighten her? Your doc AND his should be able to suggest ways to help both of you, but mainly to support YOU.
The focus shouldn't be on medication for you or exams by other doctors. While there could be a physical reason for it, it can just be a psychological reaction to him and his abuse. You shouldn't have to take ANY pill to deal with that! Perhaps you can document what you do each day, and note when your throat clearing happens. It just might be a subconscious reaction to his crap. Note also when it doesn't happen. You are aware, but document it! Seriously, throat clearing a few times a day isn't likely anything serious, esp when it seems better when he isn't around! It also sounds like it just annoys him, so he's directing you to get help. Sounds like the "cure" for this would be to stay away from the source, aka him.