My guilt is sometimes paralyzing. I recently made the decision to put mom in LTC after 2 falls resulting in 2 hospitalizations, 13 fractures and 3 days on a ventilator due to the amount of bleeding into her sinuses. She lived with me at the time. The sound of her falling is deafening to me.
She is currently in rehab and not making much progress. Maybe due to depression and possible mild dementia. I feel so helpless. After 40 years in healthcare, I honestly thought I could make the right decision for her. Now my head and heart battle. My head knows it is best for her safety, it also knows it is the worst thing for her psyche. My heart just wants me to bring her home, “I can care for her,” I say even though that didn’t work out so well the first few times. I work from home FT but am in my office 8 hours a day. I don’t think she could tolerate another fall, God knows I wouldn’t be able to hear that again. I just don’t know how I can make this decision and be able to live with it for the rest of my life. I so want her to be back where she was and home with me.
"Guilt" insinuates that you have a choice; that you can cure this and because you are perverse or an evil doer you choose not to make things easier for Mom.
You are a human being, one who cares and is attempting to do the best you can.
Whatever decision you come to know that you are doing the best you can, and no matter what choices you make, not everything can be fixed, and not everything can have happy results.
The G-word I suggest is grief, because these choices are full of grief for our loved ones, and for us as we bear witness. Grief understands that there often are not answers or choices (unless of course we ARE God).
In a head and heart battle that involves the safety of one we love, I am afraid that the head has to rule and the heart has to grieve. But remember, you are not an evil doer who should feel guilt. If you were such a person you would not give any of this a second's thought.
You say you were in health care for many years. I was a nurse as well. You are lucky in that, as you have been witness to the grief and helplessness, hopelessness of others. You understand that not everything has a fix. Not everything has a happy outcome. Some things in life are worthy of grief. That they come near the end of life when we are so helpless in so many ways is tragic. I am so sorry for your grief.
The fact that we're dealing with people, close to us, and not facts or business options as we would if these were employment situations, renders the decisions less convincing, and more emotional.
BUT as the previous poster says, in a good facility, you get to be her daughter and advocate, not a caregiver on call 24/7.