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I posted a related question in which I received really good answers that calmed me down a bit. I have another question. The reason I ask is because I am in a family situation where I am being asked, in a pushy and deceitful way, to pay for my father's expenses. I also think they may be trying to "sniff" out how much money I have or will spend so they can possibily try to get me to spend more. It would be interesting to know others' experiences so I can conduct myself in the future. The question:


Does anyone have experience in being aware of people, like relatives, friends, neighbors, associates, businesses etc. trying to determine how much money another person has or is willing to spend using casual observation means or by floating figures to see how much you have and/or are willing to spend. For example, someone you know might say "I saw a tv show about Hawaii recently. Would you ever want to go?" Then they wait for you to say something like "Yes, but it's too expensive for me." (meaning I don't have that kind of money) or "Yes, I went about 5 years ago and maybe later this spring." (meaning I do have that kind of money) The question asked has nothing to do with Hawaii, it has to do only with your finances. Has anyone experienced this?

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Any questions about your finances do not need to be answered unless you are being questioned by someone from the IRS or at the bank if you are getting a loan. 😉
As to paying for a parents care the parent is responsible to pay for said care and if anyone is asking about your parents financial standing see above...😉

If parent can not afford to pay for needed care you can do what you can to help them apply for services that they may be entitled to.
But any information about any finances is to be shared only with people that have a need to know.
If you are POA it is your duty, responsibility to keep confidential information confidential.

As to your hypothetical question I see the conversation like this....
"Would you ever want to go"? and they wait for an answer..
your answer is ..
"Sure I would love to go" or "nope, not a place I would want to go, there are other places I would rather go first" End of discussion. no need to elaborate
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Go with your gut instinct.

Be vague answering 'sniffs' or hints.

Some nosey people throw out 'fishing hooks' just to see what they can catch for their gossip. A good response for a direct question is "Why do you want to know?"

Only give out what you are happy to share.
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HisBestFriend Mar 2022
Another good answer "why on earth to would you ask me that?" While grinning, of course!
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When I was visiting my father in his nursing home once, the daughter of another resident struck up a conversation with me and I got the strong feeling she was trying to get me to divulge my/our financial situation and how my father was paying. I got that suspicion by the way she kept bringing up the properties she had to sell, the cost of the NH, on and on. I tried to change the subject, but she seemed to find a way to circle back and although she didn't get up the nerve to directly ask me I know she wanted me to tell her my/our situation. I just smiled and listened to her and nodded. Eventually I think she got a little flustered and gave up.
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are you asking your question, in order to "sniff out" other people's financial situation on this website, by observing their answers? :)

(just kidding)

let me see...
my answer...

money is a strange thing.
...some people "work"...and are paid very well...but the "work" they do is morally a crime.
...some people work...and are paid nothing...but the work is truly noble.

regarding people who like to "sniff out" things, it tends to be not just about money.
...apparently, the 2 things people are most interested in, is:

1. how much money do you make?
2. who are you having s*x with?
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bundleofjoy Mar 2022
i wonder how wealth would be redistributed, if the laws that decide what is work, and what is “work” would be different.

(i’m a lawyer by the way)

;) i guess everyone on this website would be flying to hawai’i every day (lots of accumulated virtue wealth/currency.)

aloha :)
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Oh I know exactly the type of hinting you're talking about. After years of mumbled remarks about me and DH supposedly having wealth that was both massive and secret, I had the following happen: Relative #1 (with a long history of financial blunders) approached me with a "deal" that involved me paying off a large lien that was against her home. I told her no and did not provide a reason. By not providing a reason, Relative #1 still really didn't know if I actually had the money or not and should she continue to try? So, here comes Relative #2 who was just so humble and "concerned" after she was made aware that I was rudely asked by Relative #1 to pay off this lien. Relative #2 in being so VERY concerned... came at it that she was just worried and wanted to establish whether I even had that kind of money to give. She didn't want me to feel bad and she felt SO bad herself.... but it would help her to assuage my pain in an appropriate way if only she knew whether or not I really had the money in the first place. A lot of work went into this elaborate ruse and I'm sure Relative #1 and Relative #2 devised this together. Yes, the money was needed. But Lisa is correct that some people will try whatever manipulative way to drop a hint, etc as to whether a particular person has funds or not. My original NO to Relative #1 should have stopped the whole thing. Yes, some people will toss their line out and see what information they reel in. Where money's concerned, people start inventing bizarre tactics that sometimes actually work. Yes, I'm very familiar with this behavior regarding others trying to get to the truth of my finances - as if it's any of their business in the first place. I have said to people "what are you trying to find out?" But then I am accused of being rude.
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lisatrevor Mar 2022
Thank you. Now I know I'm not going insane.
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Lisa, if you "know" what you know, then nothing we can say is going to make any difference.

I am very curious what sort of service is being provided to your dad that he can't/won't afford himself that he needs brother to pay for, and that brother now needs YOU to pay for.

Look, I just got off a cruise where we could order coffee and croissants brought to our room every morning for no charge. Did we enjoy it? Yes, It is necessary for us to have that level of service for the rest of our lives? No.

I'm thinking that at some point, your brother looked at your dad and thinking him to be "very old" thought, "gee, the guy isn't going to be around very long, let's make his life comfortable." And now is YEARS later and dad is still with you.

Time to re-evaluate. I agree that brother isn't going about it the right way, but consider that the market is down and the cash flow from SIL's nest egg may not be throwing off the income that it did.

There are all kinds of variables in play here.
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sp19690 Mar 2022
100% agree with all of this. I don't know why OP wont share what these services are that dad receives.
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Who answers a question about whether they want to go to Hawaii with a reference to their financial status? If you do, then that's on you, and if someone says they've been before and will go again, that's hardly an indication of one's wealth. They've had $99 flights to Hawaii lately and massive discounts on hotels because Covid darned near destroyed their economy.

Have conversations and never reference your finances, and you won't have anyone sniffing around about your money situation. If someone asks a more pointed question, you can always respond with a wide-eyed look of incredulity and say, "Why on earth would you ask about my personal business?"

Oftentimes, meeting such probing questions head-on will put a stop to them.
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If your brother asked me if I'd like to go to Hawaii, I'd tell him SURE, if YOU'RE footing the bill! :)

You say your brother's wife is a millionaire. Why on God's green earth would she or your brother be trying to 'sniff out' YOUR finances when they themselves could likely buy & sell you? They probably know what you do for a living which gives them a rough idea of how much money you make. Unless you are the CEO of IBM or something, they know you probably aren't worth what Elon Musk is worth. Right?

Have an honest, down to earth, REAL conversation with these people. Tell them how much you can afford to chip in for dad's care every month. Even if it's only $50.

"Conduct" yourself in a way that's honest and conducive to how you see yourself as a person: if you see yourself as having integrity and character, then conduct yourself accordingly. Just b/c you think someone is trying to sniff out your personal info, doesn't mean YOU have to stoop to THEIR level!
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lisatrevor Mar 2022
I agree. Why would they want to know how much money I have when they have millions? (I know they have that because they told me and my father and other family years ago) It could be because they have lots of other expenses and shifting a bill to me might free up a little cash and at the same time feel like the contributions to dad's care/well being are more equal. Maybe they are planning on a big purchase and need the extra cash? Maybe they are thinking about the future and want to downsize expenses. Those things crossed my mind. I don't know.

There's no point in talking with them about the service provider. My brother has one thing in mind: Me paying for it. Anything I say will be dismissed in knee-jerk fashion.
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How much you have is no ones business. You have told your brother that you cannot pay for Dads services. You are doing what you can and if that is not enough you can go back home. If paying for Dads services is draining brother than place Dad in a NH.

When my Dad died my SIL thought it would be a good idea if we all sent her money to make up for what she was not getting anymore in SS. Out of 3 of us, I was the only one retired. I hate it when people assume we have money. Out of the 3 of us, I lived the most simply. My SIL refused to send money for Mom's Birthday and Christmas opting for buying gifts Mom never used. Now she wanted us to send money every month? This is also a person who has good intentions but never follows thru. Turned out Mom did OK and my nephew living with her gave her a little xtra a month.

If you saw my DH and I you would not assume we have money. Jeans and flannels are our winter outfits. Summer jeans and Ts. Cars are 2010 and 2013. House is a development 63yr old home. We just ooz rich.😁
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Lisa, you say something here with a theme that's kind of bothersome: that you feel you 'owe' dad a luxurious retirement that he doesn't even need b/c of what he 'sacrificed' for you children when you were little. Times were rough for him, yet he did what he needed to do to give you what YOU needed, and this is payback for that.

I think it's safe to say that the vast majority of parents did the same thing your dad did: they went through hard times so their children could enjoy GOOD times; it's what parents DO. My father was an Italian immigrant who wore cardboard on the soles of his shoes b/c his parents could not afford a shoemaker. His parents sacrificed for him, to give him a better life than THEY had; he in turn quit school at 10 years old to go to work. He worked his butt off to give ME a better life than HE had; it's a dad thing. As an adult, I gave of myself to help my elderly parents, but I did not give them money. Even though my dad made some sacrifices for me that did not go unnoticed or unappreciated; the sacrifices he made for me were of his own choosing.

I think to do what you & your brother are doing, giving luxury services to dad that aren't required, out of a sense of obligation for HIS sacrifices for you as children, is somewhat skewed logic. A parent does what they do for their children out of pure love; not in hopes of repayment down the road (as I'm sure you know).

Times are hard now, even for those with lots of money; inflation is very high, gas prices are ridiculous, investments aren't paying what they once did, even the stock market is plunging. It's kind of unrealistic for dad or you & your brother to continue to be paying for luxury services right now, especially since they aren't required!!! Down the road, dad may NEED real nursing services and you'll have spent ALL THIS MONEY on 'luxuries' he didn't need for all these years, then have to dump a whole lot more money on services he urgently NEEDS. It may be a good idea to rethink what you & your brother are doing here!

You say your brother won't listen to reason or have a talk, but I'll bet he will if it's with your dad ALSO. A Come to Jesus meeting sounds to me like it's in order now. Save this wasted money for when it's truly NEEDED, that's my advice. You should be entitled to lie on the beach when you want to, w/o guilt, your brother should be allowed to stop spending so much money on dad unnecessarily, and all of these matters should be talked about openly & honestly!
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lisatrevor Mar 2022
We are not doing it out of obligation or even gratitude. It's being done because dad is deserving and my brother assumed the services that at least were easily affordable to him for years. I assume the costs of other "extras", like good take-out meals on a regular basis, small things that make life better and doing all kinds of chores for him.

My brother won't listen; rather he'll hear it but it won't matter. Some people have one thing in mind and nothing, I mean nothing, will change that.

But thank you and everyone who has offered ideas and opinions. I definitely feel better about the situation.
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