Mom has been in NH for 6 months. Got a call that hospice needs to come in. Just need some support for myself and also need to keep from bashing my brother who has refused to visit his mother in over 30 years. She is lifelong mentally ill, he is seriously damaged from alcoholic father / family. Yet I am beyond furious that he abandoned her and will not visit her or attend her funeral. She did nothing wrong. Father was abusive alcoholic. As stated, I am dealing with all this on my own and just need support to get through whatever comes next.
Do the right thing in this situation, which is to inform your brother that mother is going into hospice and may be passing away soon. Then when she does, inform him that she is gone. The rest is on him. You will have done your due diligence in informing him. The choice to visit or attend is his. Don't take it on yourself to worry about whether he does or not.
Those of us who come from severely dysfunctional families have to learn that we are not a "normal" family, and that everyone deals with the dysfunction differently. It appears that like many of us on this site, you have chosen to be the responsible one who cares for your mother until her passing. Your anger at him serves no purpose now - it won't matter to him, and it won't do anything but eat away at you. If you can, try to talk to a professional (therapist, counselor, even a priest or minister) to vent these feelings and let them help you work through them.
Trust me, many of us have been in your shoes...and many of us still are. Feel free to vent away here if you'd like, but do try to find someone locally that you can talk to - someone impartial that can offer an outside view of it and help you work through this anger and deal with the emotional damage caused by your family.
As for your brother, let him know what is happening with Mom.... call him, don't rely on email as email can get lost or accidentally erased. You don't want him to tell you later that he didn't know. Are you sure he hasn't visited Mom or called [if your Mom can get calls] only that Mom hasn't been able to remember to tell you?
Some people can't handle seeing someone aging or being seriously ill... they want to remember that person the way they were from years ago when that person was young and healthy, and when their life was happier.
It's just tough like that sometimes, but we do what we must and you clearly are doing that for your mom and did with your dad. My dad now has some form of dementia, which has gotten worse with her death, and my brother has visited once, which was the day she died. Mind you, the AL is about 8 minutes away for us both, so it's easy to get to.
Do I feel my brother is a jerk, yes, but still I know I did the right thing telling him. I have no other siblings either, so it was and still is on me to handle everything. Thankfully I have an awesome husband that helps me a lot. Hang in there honey, one step and one breath at a time. Just know we're cheering you on.
I told my sig other that I will take note of his findings, so that when the time comes for him to be in a nursing facility, no one will come to visit. I know I shouldn't been so harsh with him, but I was sooooo tired of the whining :P I admit there was an odor on that wing, but it was to be expected.
My ex was the same way, he hated to go into a hospital because of the smell. Smell? I do volunteer work at a hospital one morning a week, I have yet to notice any type of smell. I don't know, maybe this hospital is the exception.
Angel