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I feel like I am at a crossroads with my mom. She has ALZ (still full functioning other than short term memory loss). Her care team wants her out of her home, as do I, and placed in assisted living. Mom completely refuses because she wants no part of living in an apartment and being with old people as she states. I'm 1,000 miles away from her and unable to relocate back home where I haven't lived for over half my life.
My dad, her husband, is still living but in a rest home and on hospice. She said she isn't willing to do anything until he passes, but he's been on hospice since January '23. I'm trying to respect her wishes and have hired on a caregiver once a week but looking to increase visits soon.
Two weeks ago, mom fell outside, luckily in the grass, but could not get herself up. So, she sat up and was crying and yelling for help (I have cameras all around the house outside). Luckily a neighbor was able to assist. Now, I'm trying my best to find a great place for AL for her because I know she has to get out of her home and before winter hits.
With all this being said, what has been your experience with a LO far away with ALZ. Do you think it is more beneficial to have them relocate to you, in a city they know nothing about, nor know anyone else, or is it best to keep them in the area they've been living all their life? My mom loves going to her favorite places where she is at. She is a very sociable person. I don't want to completely shatter her world. It's a terrifying thought.
My fear with moving her to me is, she won't know a soul, won't be able to relate or talk about common places since she isn't from here, and people generally in the area I am at are just different (North vs South). Older people here in the South, from my experience, are a little more reserved and my mom is not that way. She's very progressive for her age! So, I fear she will find people her age rather boring here. I'm probably way overthinking it, but this will be my biggest decision I've had to make to date and it's scary!
Anyone with similar experience, please share your thoughts! I'm struggling big time and want to ensure I do my best to make the right decision for the both of us.

Your Dad living in a nursing home near your mom? If so, it would make more sense for you to make some arrangement go there at least on temporary basis & to keep her in same vicinity. Maybe you could stay in the house while you find more help for your mom? How often does your mother fall? Does she get lost when going outside? Does she leave stove on & forget about it? In any event, I believe you will have to spend more time living nearby your mom. If you get in house help and she declines more, lots of time they don’t show up. Also make sure you get POA and Health Proxy. You have some decisions to make. Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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Same situation here. I am momma's primary caregiver that lives out of state but she lives in assisted living in the same town and state for over 60 years. Eventhough it would be a whole lot easier on me to move her near me I left her where she is because my brother, sister, her grand daughter and her husband with their 3 year old would be able to visit with momma. She also has a couple of friends from her and my dad that check in on her and take her out to lunch and stuff. So I do the caregiving and the driving back and forth.
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Reply to akababy7
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If you are working full time, then you will not be home enough to be with your mother - her need right now. It might be wiser to help her move into an assisted living place near enough to your dad so she could visit him frequently.
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Reply to Taarna
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Your situation is so similar to mine . My husband was a “ big shot” in his own hometown for 80 years and then we moved to the coast . He is in hospice and dying and wishes he was in his hometown . I put him in AL in his hometown and drove 4 hours each direction every week to be with him because I didn’t want to move back to the same place we had both grown up in . I finally brought him back to our home on the coast and he is dying . I am very much regretting that I do not have the love , friends, attention and support that we would have had if we had stayed in our hometown . I am carrying a lot of guilt …. So in my opinion …. I would keep her where she is
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MiaMoor Sep 7, 2024
I'm really sad to hear this, Bepperboo. I thought that you were happy and had a support network at your coastal home.
I hope that things get better for you.
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It sounds like your mum still has capacity to say what she wants, or does not want. If so, it won't matter what you want your mum to do. Not until your mum's cognitive decline becomes more pronounced.

Your mum is adamant that she wants to be near her husband, and I don't see how you can force the issue. All you can do is try and put things in place to keep her safe.

I think that BurntCaregiver's advice is the best; look for a homecare company that will provide the care your mum needs in her own home.

I'd add, get her an alarm button to wear that will alert a service to come out to your mum in an emergency. Put things in place so your mum doesn't need to go out alone when it's icy - have food delivered and ensure that a carer is there to go out with your mum or to keep her company at home.

If your mum starts wandering at night, make sure that she has overnight care to prevent her leaving the house.
Also, she may eventually need supervision while cooking, or having meals cooked for her.

In the meantime, research AL and memory care facilities in both your mum's area and your own. That will help you when the time comes for you to step in and make all decisions for your mum.

You can't completely protect your mum, just like we can't wrap our children in cotton wool. People have to live their lives, and life isn't risk free.
While your mum only has mild cognitive impairment, you can only wait and see.
I hope it all works out okay, whatever decisions you and your mum make for the future. Just remember that it's your future, too, and that you also have to live your life.
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She will probably be all over you. When my aunt was thinking of moving before she got old with dementia, my cousin demanded she move to her home state where most of my cousins are, as well as my uncle. (Aunt's brother). Uncle passed. Cousins started moving on with their lives, and aunt I guess got neglected.
Soon discovered aunt has dementia. Cousin starts bothering me to come out and stay with aunt. She says, "Aunt's going to be all over me. I have a family. "
If you want your freedom, probably not a good idea.
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Reply to Tiredniece23
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We navigated the same issue (dad not hospice but both dementia). Can she stay where she is at for now, add a fall alert (wrist or necklace) and add care 5-7 days a week for now? This may give you time to decide more fully, maybe bring her for a visit of some facilities near you, and show her all the activities she can access at an AL. Assisted living with care plans are expensive so an in home health aid temporarily may be cheaper and allow her to be near her husband for now.

My parents are also very social, was a tough move and adjustment, but they love it and their new friends now. Can still go out for social but so much is right there for them (mom paints, flower arranges, cards, bingo, luncheons out, boating, etc. It isn’t perfect. They give up a lot, for sure, but they don’t have the house and other things weighing them down, and they can spend their days focusing on joy and fun things more.
Know that if she moves closer to you, she will rely more heavily on you for day to day help. It is a definite life changer for you as well, good and bad. Best wishes to you!
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Reply to Kquirk1
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Ask care home if she can stay over night or couple days so that she can see its not bad. My friends mother was against moving into a care home. It was forced upon her - purely because the family couldnt cope with her excessive demands and 24/7 care. )self generated. She moved in and a week later my friend/her daughter went to see her and she was in her element chatting to the other folk. At her visit she actually announced my daughter is here come on everyone - and they also followed her into the room! She wont see the benefit until she experiences it. Plus of course you need to re-inforce at some point that you are too far away and she cannot live on her own. I am actually renovating the new house to have my father come live with us. Its a big responsibility so think deep at that option and if you would be able to cope. Good luck
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Reply to Jenny10
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In the South, churches are social centers. The people are very friendly. All she has to do is show up at a service and she'll be invited to all sorts of groups. Women's groups, knitting groups, outreach groups, cooking groups, church suppers, picnics, healing groups, quilting, volunteering for the soup kitchen, ministries to help seniors at home, to acclimate new members to the church, maintain a free pantry, you name it. I had a friend in her 80s, new to town. She had become an agnostic by that time, and she even found a "tribe" that she could enjoy within a large church. They didn't care that she'd questioned her beliefs. They didn't try to convert her to their denomination. She ended up studying in the "Bible as history" class and grew close to the people in it. That was an Episcopal Church, but any church in that town would have welcomed her because she was open to making friends and interesting to be around.
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MargaretMcKen Sep 6, 2024
That’s interesting! Around here, church is an easy ‘friends’ activity, but it’s hard if you are not that type of ‘believer’. Perhaps I should give it a go.
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Perhaps a solution will become easier for all when your Dad passes and that very important link to her home is gone. Socialization is so beneficial in these situations. My aunt moved in with me, and was very well cared for by all the professionals we brought in, but she was isolated and distant from other family and friends. She even missed the "girls" at her bank. Who knew they were looking out for her? Those social, albeit casual, relationships are built through the years and cannot be replicated.
No answers--just food for thought...
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Reply to kenbdaniels
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Hi Heather, I didn’t see anywhere where you said she had some kind of fall monitor. Of course she would have to wear it but I think it’s a must if she stays at home.
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If you move her near you, she can join a church group or senior center. Some libraries have readers/story time for the kids that she could do. My grandma would not join a senior center because "they" were old. If she were to be in an assisted living she could join a group or game team. Just be active there. What you could try is bring her for a visit to your place take her to an assisted living place and have her join in a group. She could make some friends and may not even want to leave. You may need to jump start her or even attend with her but in your paragraph it doesn't seem like she's against moving near you - just that she doesn't want to be with "old" people maybe if you stay with her a couple of times she might not see them as "old". Also, a near church might have some groups or meetings she might enjoy. Craft groups like painting or sewing or something like that.
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Reply to Ohwow323
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Situation similar for my Mother. Sons both lived hours/days away. She fell and broke her hip and was out of the reach for the phone. She lay on kitchen floor for 12 hours before a friend found her. We decided that she needed family more than her long time friends. In the senior facility, she was much more active than before. She enjoyed eating with others and the activities. They checked in on her often. And when it became time, she moved to another part of the facility for full-time care. Her "apartment" used her own furniture and pictures, and family visited often. These helped to make transition easier.
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Reply to MikeinTexas
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I would recommend moving her close to you. She will only get progressively worse and unable to interact with others unless they come to her home anyway. She will soon be even unable to visit her husband or even relate to him as her husband. If you are caregiver, in your home or near your home is the best place because you need to be able really know how she is being cared for and the long distance will be too difficult. Even moved to AL will be temporary. She will always be moving as she requires more help. Long distance caregiving does not work. Make it workable for yourself and that is the best you can do for your mother.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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I waited too long to move my mom to assisted living and now she would probably only be accepted with caregivers or a lot of additional charges. The price of memory care is over twice of assisted living. I thought she could stay in her home with caregivers when she was awake every day. It seemed to me to be working out fine until both of her caregivers quit on the same day for personal reasons and their problems. Then it was texting and phone calls from new caregivers every day and home health opened a case with DHR about her "short memory" and me living in another state. Now she is in my house but talking about going home and denying that she cannot live alone. It is time-consuming to move her to my state financially and for healthcare, and it is very sad for her as her lifelong desire was to live in her small town in AL. My mom is in good health but I do not want her to get covid or be in a room waiting to die, so for now she is in my house. It is expensive to have caregivers every day but she was happy that way in her house. DHR makes up things to worry about to force you to put her in a facility but many people die in assisted living and nursing homes. There is a monitor with a button around her neck, that dials 911 if she were to fall called Freedom Alert. Her box requires a landline and we have Xfinity. The fire department responds in AL and in TN, and gets them up. They also have one with a service as do many companies that works from a cell service if she leaves the house. Best wishes in your decision. Prayer is all I can offer.
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Reply to CareforMominTN
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I would be torn also. I am sorry. Your mom's Dementia is going to get worse with time. She needs monitoring. If you can't move to her city, can you find relatives nearby to care for your mom? She shouldn't be driving. If she takes medicine, she may not always take it on time or not take the proper dosage. Your mom may portray that she is fine to you, but she may be dealing with confusion and frustration. My mom tried to hide her dementia from me over the phone. When I saw her habits at her house, I realized her health was declining and so was her memory. She fell so many times and lied. You have to realize too, that your mom might fall and leave something cooking on the stove.
Please look for helpers in her city.
See if she would be able to qualify for home care or assistance. Would she want to live in a senior living apartment that monitors their residence? Look into department of aging in her city. They can give you guidance on affordable care if necessary.
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Heather
As the community has said- there are no easy or right answers. We just do our best , pray and wait.
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Reply to Spencerjudy3
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Heather- I so feel for you. I’m in a very similar situation. My mom is 95 ( widowed)and lived in Florida somewhat independently ( meals delivered and caregivers 2 x a week) and has mild cognitive impairment ( she won’t let me use the Dementia word!) I tried doing long distance caregiving but I couldn’t do it. The Good Lord intervened and a situation happened that I had to move my mom up ( she got very sick with Covid). I posted on the site asking for suggestions and support. I did relocate her by me ( 10 minutes away) in Chicago. I felt HORRIBLE- guilt and saddened for changing her life. It’s been 2 months and she has adapted somewhat- she’s in an independent apartment in a community that has steps . I can move her to assisted living if she needs it. Right now I’m her caregiver 6 hours a day and it’s working. It’s hard on everyone. My mom asks daily if she is moving back to her “home”- Florida, and I tell her we are “trying” this arrangement out for a while. I’m very sorry to hear you are doing this by yourself ( I am too), my mom’s independent living community has tons of activities and I’m trying to get my mom involved in those. Please keep us updated how you are doing
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I managed Mom remotely for 6 years after Dad passed. I visited around every 4-6 weeks.

Part of my decision making was due to inertia. During the 2-3 covid years things were working and it just seemed easier to keep her in her home state.

Over the 6 years I did look extensively at options in my state and her state. She was getting good care in her home state that I did not think I could replicate in my state.

I think if it had not been for the covid 2-3 years I would have probably moved her to my home state at some point.
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Heather, I had a very similar experience with my folks. I’m in Michigan and they were in West Virginia, about a ten hour drive. Mom had a host of health and mobility problems and dad had dementia.

I managed things remotely for about 6 years. It wasn’t easy but doable. I made the trip every few weeks or as various crises dictated.

My folks were very stubborn, wouldn’t allow me to hire any help for them much less discuss a care facility. I had to wait for the crisis, moms very bad fall, to move her, then dad into care.

At the time I had checked out assisted living facilities in their area and had one set to go. I wasn’t that concerned about keeping them in a familiar area as there were hardly any friends or family around but I do think it helped that they still heard the familiar WV twang around them. It was just much easier logistically. I can’t imagine moving them across three states at that point.

After mom died I did move dad to a nursing home near me in Michigan. His dementia was advanced then and he sorta knew me sometimes but it was much easier having him close. I visited every day until he died peacefully.

Good luck to you.
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HeatherMN Sep 5, 2024
Hi. Thank you. My parents are in MN and I'm in TN. I've been managing this now since about 2018. My dad was worse than my mom. I am typically hoping on a flight every 4-6 weeks. Last year it was every 3 weeks but since I've hired help, I'm able to extend how frequent I head back. More than likely, I will just see how things play out with her, but my fear is winter with the ice and snow which is her homecare team concern as well. I'm fearful of her falling on ice and being stuck in the bitter cold as she isn't super stable on her feet.

I don't have much in the way of family locally where she is at. My brother is the only other kid and he is non-existent even after pleading for help. Everything falls on me to figure out. Thanks for your response.
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My mother suffered a minor stroke about 3 months ago, which impacted her memory. She had double vision and trouble walking after a couple of days of being diagnosed. She currently repeats things multiple times and sometimes she doesn't remember certain things. Alzheimer's and Dementia don't run in my family but we are preparing incase things get worse for my mom. My husband and I have talked about moving closer to my mom. We live in northern California and she lives in southern Cal. I can totally relate to your situation. We're planning on moving to SoCal for two main reasons: 1) I watched a documentary about the Blue Zones and it's important for people to have community. My mom definitely has a community of friends and she is VERY familiar with the area in which she lives. She still knows exactly how to get local destinations but I fear she will be driving and then forget where she is. 2) Even though my siblings don't live next door, they actually live about 1hr. to 2hrs. away, I feel the need to be as close to her as I can without (at least try) giving up our way of living. We really like our community and will try to find a similar area to live. If the needs arises for her to live with someone (as a must) we have "planted the seed" with her that she can come live with us and she said it's a possibility. And I guess 3) I have job hopped before and although it will take some time, it's not impossible to find another. He/She who seeks shall find. Wishing the best for you and your family.
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HeatherMN Sep 5, 2024
Thanks for your response. So sorry to hear about your mother's stroke. Wishing the best for you as well.
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I went through this last year. My mother lives in CO, I live in WA. My mother is further down the journey with dementia than it sounds like your mother is. I got a call from a deputy sheriff that she was at the local Walgreens, confused, and couldn't find her car (she had walked there). I knew this moment was coming but had to wait until she was bad enough to activate my MPOA (the subsequent ER stay, along with her doctor's evaluations all said she needed 24/7 care). I ended up having to "shatter her world" as you said. But it's really not you, it's the disease that shatters your parent's world. You, as the caregiver, become the one who steps up and keeps them safe when they can no longer be.

I move every few years for my job so moving her to WA was not an option. She loves CO and I ended up moving her into an AL there (even though she has dementia, when I moved her in she could still adjust to the new place. She is now "routined" and doing well). Even though she has no family in CO or friends that will visit her I wanted to leave her with her sense of "home" since she lost so much due to the illness.

Long distance caregiving is not easy. If you think that it will be too much of an extra for you then move her closer to you. She'll manage to socialize even if she doesn't know the local area. Sadly, at some point it may no longer matter where she lives as she may not be able to make any distinctions anyways. I'm working on getting a job in CO that won't involve a massive pay cut and will allow for a more flexible work environment so that I can be closer and do more drop-in visits.

I do wonder if she should still be driving. She may think that she's ok and you may not want to rock the boat, but if she causes a major accident that either hurts and/or kills someone else what then? I had to learn that I now make mom's important life decisions because she can no longer do so. It sucks, but is reality.

I certainly wish you all the best in whatever decision you make. I would say that, if you will be the caregiver, you need to do what is best and "easiest" for you. Your caregiving role could last for years. Remove as many obstacles (such as long distance) as you can.
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HeatherMN Sep 5, 2024
Thanks for your response and so sorry to hear of your mom's situation. It's nice that you have a flexible job. My job is semi flexible and have been so wonderful to me when I need to extend visits. I'm very lucky from that standpoint too.

Rest assured my mother is not driving. Doctors' orders were for her to not drive last year so the keys were removed. That has been very hard on my mom because she feels stuck but it was the best decision for her and for others.
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I am sorry, but knowing yourself and knowing your family you are really in a much better position, knowing that there is no "perfect answer", to make this choice.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You have several options.
First question I have for you is..can you legally make decisions for your mom? Are you POA for health and financial matters? If not this could be more complicated.
Ok, options.
1. Mom agrees to have caregivers come in and be with her. And this is not just during the day but 24/7. this would keep her in her home. Give you more time to help clear out and pare down what is needed and not needed. And it keeps her in a place she is familiar with and near friends.

2. Place he in Memory Care near where she currently lives. this will also keep her in an area that she is familiar with and her friends can visit (they probably won't but...)

3. Place her in Memory Care near where you are so it will be "easier" for you to take her to the doctor (if she goes to doctors other than the one that may come to the MC ) and visit with her.

Options 2 and 3 she will probably have a sharper decline since she will be in an unfamiliar place.

If you chose option 1 YOU must be the one in charge of the caregivers, she can not "fire" a caregiver, she can not tell them to leave.
Any option will provide a safer living situation than the one she has now where she is living alone.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You want her “placed in assisted living”. She “completely refuses”. You say that she has ALZ (has she had a diagnosis or are you guessing from her behavior?) but she is “still full functioning other than short term memory loss”. You may not be able to force her to move, and AL may not be able to keep her against her will – they aren’t normally ‘locked in’ places.

Perhaps this is one where the best thing is to wait and see. As she deteriorates, the details of a move may become clearer to everyone. I’d question why the ‘care team’ are pressuring you now. Fear of liability?

If falling over on grass and calling for help getting up was enough to put you into care, I and a lot of others would be crowding out facilities big-time.
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How is Mom getting to her “ favorite places “ now ? I hope she’s not driving .

Since you don’t think she will enjoy elderly where you live . I vote for an AL where she lives if there is anyone to check on her.

We moved my father in law to AL close to us in a state he never lived in . He was miserable . He had no one at all in Florida ( he moved there to retire ) to check on him and we lived too far up north to make it possible to leave him in Florida .
He wasn’t familiar with what the other residents were talking about , when they talked about local places etc .
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HeatherMN Sep 5, 2024
This is very helpful. Thank you. That is my exact concern and my gut is telling me to keep her where she is at since she does have a handful of friends and a little bit of family, plus her supplemental insurance is top notch.

Her care companion takes her to her favorite spots. She no longer drives.
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HeatherMN, I always feel it is best for a parent to live in senior living in the town they are currently living. That way, if they are still interested in watching the news, all the anchors would be familiar faces. Otherwise, strange faces may become frightening.


Also, there would be better chances that that in a familiar town, that an older friend or neighbor will move into the same facility. If Mom has to go to her primary doctor, again a familiar face.
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MargaretMcKen Aug 29, 2024
That is a very interesting comment. It's clear that the 'visitors' to people in care drop off big time, as even old friends get old too, but I hadn't thought of the faces on TV being the equivalent of 'old friends'.
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If she's moved to AL in her area, she's not going to be getting to her favorite places anymore unless someone brings her.
For the most part whatever's going on at the AL will pretty much be her life whether you move her near to you or not.

Also, why is it up to her care team to decide if she goes into AL? Who are these people? Are any of them homecare that is actually on the scene in her house, or are they her doctor's offices, nurses, and social workers? No one ever discussed the possibility of a live-in caregiver/companion with you or her? I'd replace that 'care team' if I were you. If she's still fully-functioning with some short-term memory loss it sounds like live-in/companion help could be a good fit for her. It would also cost less than AL.

Could she move to the rest home where her husband is? He's been on hospice since January 2023? You do know that hospice pulls scams like this all the time. Getting seniors onto hospice care when they do not need it. Drug them into oblivion then shake Medicare down for all they're worth then the person "graduates" out of hospice. Please investigate a little bit what's going on with her husband. He may not even need to be under their care. So it's possible that him and your mother may be able to live together again which would solve your problem.

If them living together isn't possible and you're not going to go with live-in homecare, look at AL facilities near to you. Your mother will acclimate. If she's nearby, you can take her out places.

I'd give homecare another look though. I did homecare for 25 years and own a homecare agency now. Call a homecare agency (not one you've used in the past) and ask them to come out and do a needs assessment in your mother's home. You don't have to have her out of her house by winter. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself. Do you and your mother have any family or friends in her current area that could keep an eye on things if you go the live-in caregiver route for her? Things to consider.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Does the facility where your dad is have an assisted living attached that they could be close to each other? That of course would be the simplest solution.
And if not I would I would just look for one where mom is now. I think that would be easier all the way around. Either way it will take your mom time to adjust to her new surroundings, but like you said, at least she will have some things in common with the other folks there in her home town.
It will be huge relief to you to know that your mom is now safe and well cared for in memory care, instead of having to constantly worry about whether she is safe or not.
Best wishes in getting her moved sooner than later.
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