I’m engaged to a lovely 30-something who lives with her aging 70-something mom. Their setup is mutually beneficial financially, and over the course of our relationship, it’s become evident that they have a close bond. As we embark upon marriage and a life together, my fiancé has been reluctant to move in with me and leave her mom behind. Her mom is on government assistance and doesn’t have many great living options. Furthermore, their home life reveals a codependency and occasional toxicity when her mother becomes disgruntled about something. Boundaries are broken, tears are shed, voices are raised, etc. While we could likely find somewhere close (enough) that is safe for her mom to live, my fiancé and her mom maintain that a life alone in such a place is sad and lonely... no way to spend the final years of her life. While I am sympathetic to this, I am terrified at the alternative: living together. I’ve made it clear that a life together under one roof isn’t ok with me, so my fiancé continues to pursue a detached mother-in-law suite as the solution. I’ve heard horror stories about this, particularly with new marriages, and I don’t want mine to cave under this pressure. My fiancé keeps trying to convince me that it’s perfectly fine and normal for her mom to live with us. This is my moment to put my foot down, but I desperately fear my fiancé will choose a life with her mom over a life with me. Help! Any experience or insight?
If you unwillingly go along with her wishes now and are “desperately fearing” her decisions at the beginning, you are sentencing yourself to a life of “Yes, dear. As you wish, dear.”
You and your fiance need to have an honest heart to heart talk about this before you say "I do".
In my opinion, two adult women under the same roof with a new marriage is a mixture set for trouble. Has she ever heard of leaving one's parents and cleaving to one's spouse or it that a boundary issue for her?
Some people do pull this kind of situation off beautifully. But living with one of the parents is normally something that happens when the parent is ailing, and AFTER a couple has had time alone to build their life together as a unit, and make their relationship strong. In this way, they learn to present a united front. You won't even have a chance at that. And it's not like marrying someone with a child and becoming a stepparent. Taking care of aging parents is not remotely like raising kids, even when they are in their childish dementia phase. Because kids grow and develop, become better humans, become more independent as the years go by, and eventually leave home. Aging parents become sicker, forget things they knew how to do, sometimes become worse humans, become more dependent, and don't leave till they go in a care home or die, to be blunt.
Personally, as someone who is staying with my mother (I won't say "living with," because I'm still maintaining my own home, and I wouldn't call this "living," either), I would never bring a new partner into this situation. I don't think it would be fair to that person AT ALL. For one thing, my mom and I have had decades to work on our dynamic together, and it's not all roses and sunshine for ANY mother/daughter. Once my mom started getting dementia, it went straight back to the unhealthiest aspects of our dynamic. How is a new person supposed to even navigate through that? For another thing, it's an obnoxious amount of work once a parent's health and/or mind starts to go, and that's just unfair on the new person, plus that parent likely won't be able to live on their own in an in-law suite forever.
Your fiancee has basically said she and her mother are a package deal. You want your fiancee to change for you. That's the problem, I think. We can ASK for change, but we can't expect others to change for us. We can only change ourselves.
To put it bluntly, her enmeshed relationship with her mother is covert emotional incest and is a bond that is not easily broken without much work in therapy. There are books written about this and this is what they call it.
As long as she is enmeshed with mom, she will not be able to emotionally bond with you and thus your marriage will lack the intimacy that it could have had otherwise. When I speak of intimacy, I am not talking about sex. The intimacy that a married couple can have goes far deeper that sex itself, but enriches one's sex life as a couple.
She's 30 in terms of years and yet has never really left mom emotionally. That is a really deep enmeshment. Some men are likewise emotionally enmeshed with their moms and can't really bond with a wife.
I suggest finding someone who has their own identity with healthy boundaries in relation to their parents instead of someone who is grown, but is emotionally still their mommy's little girl.
Mom may be in your lives another 20 years. Think carefully about that! And think even harder if you intend to start a family.
It seems to me that finances may be the biggest codependency. Seek information from your office of aging about senior housing. Low income senior housing brings an abundance of benefits. Socialization for the resident as well as access to other needed services can help your MIL now and even more so as she ages. There may be a waiting list, but get her on it now.
When I was little we had 4 generations under one roof for awhile and it worked great, but, I don't think that is the norm. I'm not sure how old her mom is, but, depending on this, the arrangement could be a 30 year deal. I'd get it straight before the marriage though. Once, mom is included in the arrangement, I suspect it would be hard to change it.
Dear CONFUSED friend, in a nutshell, your fiancé and her mother are not going to change, neither as individuals nor in their mother/daughter relationship. The only possible change lays in your hands. That is the naked truth.
I’m not saying their family dynamics are healthy, as most emotionally healthy mothers don’t request to not EVER separate from their child.. all the opposite, they encourage the child to build their own independent life, even if that means a sacrifice for the mother.
But since you’re already engaged to your fiancé, I’m assuming you knew all about this heavy baggage she carries including your fiancé’s emotional unresolved issues, yet somehow you managed to accept it all, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked her to marry you.
So I’ll just tell you this truth that I sincerely believe: every situation can be as different as the people handling it. You may have a million people telling you that having your MIL living in your house in the MIL quarters will be a living hell. However I think it may or may not be a nightmare, depending on your personality, patience and love for your fiancé...AND depending on your fiancé’s ability to give everything its place and a place for everything.
Later down the road, having your MIL close by could end up being a benefit. If she’s not ill she could maybe save you guys money on future babysitters, or if she becomes ill, it’ll be a huge relief to have her so close. I won’t mention the negative possibilities because you’ve received plenty of information about that.. plus I think you know it. Yet, like I said, it all depends on the way you and your fiancé handle the situation.
I agree 100% with Dorianne in that I personally would never dream on including a third person in my current caregiving life, it would not be fair to that person nor to my mom or myself. But your fiancé’s situation sounds different than mine as it doesn’t sound like her mom is ill, and that definitely should make things a little easier.
You need to fully acknowledge the situation you’re accepting, including your role in it; make sure that you keep a clear communication with your fiancée now and always. But more importantly, ask yourself if you have it in you to deal with the “worst case scenario” of the situation you’re about to enter; answer that question very honestly. Then decide.
I hate for us caregivers to be seen as “damaged goods” of some sort, but truth should be said, it is not for everyone to embark in a relationship with someone that’s already committed to another relationship!
God bless and good luck Confused!
I had a strong, strong bond with my Mom. She never expected me to move in with her and I never did although I lived very close. My bond with my Mom didn't interfere with my relationship, in fact, I think it helped it. My Hubs enjoyed the fact that I had someone else in my life who was emotionally there for me when he couldn't be. In fact, since my Mom died my relationship with my Hubs has suffered.
Having said that, if you have deep concerns about this you should not enter into a situation that you may be stuck in for a long time and you should be able to tell your fiance this without fear of any kind of backlash. After all, that's what partners do, they support one another.
But I had to share my side cause it isn't always unhealthy enmeshment when a mother and daughter are really close and I get weary of hearing all the horror stories about it cause sometimes it really is just a deep love, nothing unhealthy.
Trust us. Your MIL will adjust (it will be rocky and she'll guilt her daughter big time for the first months or year) but she will adjust and should. You can ease the way by doing Wed night pizza nights, including her in some of your outings -- but her greatest gift to her daughter is to let her daughter embark on a new and joyous journey with her husband and create her own family.
If her mom didn't have her MIL or mother living with her in her marriage -- then she shouldn't expect same.
Help your spouse, have her come to this forum for strength and have her also talk with a trusted clergy or work friends on this issue. I'm sure all will advise "NO".
Does your future mother-in-law have other medical issues? Is she afraid to be home alone? Did your girlfriend started to take care of her Mom after her Dad had left?
Maybe ending the great chat you just had with: "I understand that you don't want to live alone. Let me think on it, maybe we can come up with a plan for a comfortable place near us, or a shared rental you could afford."
Establishing a one on one relationship with your Mil will help alleviate confusion.
Is this pressure to move her in the only alternative, or, is her daughter pushing for this?
Keeping in mind the old adage (not always true): This is how your wife may be in 20 + years.