Due to the great help on this site, I finally, at age 48, established boundaries with my father, 85 with parkinsons/ dementia /lifelong narcissism, and my 83 year old mom, who was always emotionally abusive to me and has terrible arthritis. She continues to pretend she can care for my dad at home (although she does have night help). Yesterday, I broke my own rules (which I've learned through this forum) and went to see them alone. From the second I walked in, I knew it was a bad idea. My dad got frozen in place, and couldn't move forward. I was watching as his legs trembled and stood ready to break his fall. My mom wasn't around, which is common. He finally got going and my mom appeared. As I laid out the food, my dad starting pounding the table. My mom screamed from the kitchen, where she was hobbling around, "Stop it, right now You're being a pain in the ass." I just looked at her and calmly said, "This is ridiculous. I can't believe he's living here." Then she yelled at me, "Then just don't come around anymore if you can't handle it. This is reality." I should have walked out then, but didn't. As we "ate," i.e. my dad can't really chew yet has a binge eating disorder due to growing up in poverty, I asked my mom for her social security number because I wanted to set her up on the online healthcare portal system of her doctor. I'm allegedly their POA. She hasn't seen a doctor in years, and her memory is seriously, seriously not good. I've accepted we're in dementia territory or, if we're lucky, maybe she just needs an antidepressent (which she doesn't believe in). Her previous doctor retired, so I said, "Let me make an appointment for you. Do you want a female doctor or a male doctor?" And she jumped down my throat and said she'll ask her friends who they see. She's been saying that for two years. Then my dad decides he's still hungry so my mom says, "Let me get you some cheese." She hobbles away to get it and when she returns, I said, "Remember, dad shouldn't be eating cheese." And she said, under her breath but I heard it (I just hope my dad didn't), "Let him eat what he wants. The sooner he dies the better off I'll be." Ouch. I get she may think that. It's normal to think that. But does she have to say it out loud in front of me and my dad? I stayed and fixed their tv and computer, then when I left, she was sitting at the kitchen table stewing in misery. My dad asked how my sister was, and I said, "I don't know. She doesn't call me because she's too busy drowning in misery." My mom said, "Oh you have it all figured out, don't you? I guess your sister and I just have it all wrong because we live in reality." I said, "Reality is what you tell yourself it is in your head." Then I added, "Believe it or not, mom. I say these things and try to get you to a doctor because I love you." And she rolled her eyes. Ouch. I left. My question is - do I take her up on that offer to not go by anymore? And do I make her a doctor's appointment? She needs an antidepressent at the very least. I can call the doctor ahead of time with my concerns. I was thinking I'd write my mom a letter with the date and time of the appointment and the doctor's number so she can cancel it, along with one line like, "I hate to see you suffer so much. Please talk to a doctor about your mood."
STOP ALL THIS.
1. Call Adult Protective Services:
https://www.cdss.ca.gov/inforesources/adult-protective-services
2. You cannot manage / handle this 'crazy-making'.
3. You are being a 'co-(dependent) is not healthy for anyone involved in this family dynamic.
4. While it is fine writing all this to us, you need to discuss all these feelings in a therapy office. You need emotional and psychological professional support.
5. You are either a POA or you are not.
That you ask us if you should make an MD appt ... reflects your inability to manage all these needs. Report to APS and let them take over. You get into therapy.
And, yes. I would agree. Do not visit. You are not able to set boundaries of your time and abilities; you are allowing yourself to be verbally/emotionally abused, as it appears your father is (too). Do not make this your problem. Get professional support.
Gena / Touch Matters
Someone gave me similar advice year's ago. I was temping at an agency that were advocates for the mentally disabled. The advocate asked me one question: Why do you need to become a guardian when your sister is an adult. My sister was appointed an advocate and an attorney.
I agree with everyone else; there comes a time when you need to step back.
Try to figure out ways to help - i.e., make doc appointments, try to hire someone to help - it didn't go well for me. My mother refused any help except mine - even though I would pay for the help - she didn't want a single stranger in her home - the few times I did get someone there, mother would sit there and not say a word for entire 3 hours of the shift. Ended up not even letting the caretaker in.
Your mother's only contact is your father - and because there doesn't seem to be anyone else in their lives, they only have each other to keep each other company and talk to. The bitterness that is spilling over from your mother is probably due to her anger, frustrations and of course, physical pain- all that she knows will not be alleviated, although she thinks some of it might be upon your father's passing - but she will find that nothing about her will change. Too ingrained. Too stuck.
My mother refused to listen to me, my suggestions, my observations. I told her that the way things were going, she was going to fall, break something and then the doctors wouldn't let her go back home and she would have to, at that point, go to assisted living. She didn't believe me. Fought me. At 95 she fell, broke her femur, had major surgery, and passed away 3 months later. Never went back home after her fall. Reason I share this is because for some people, it takes something outside themselves (i.e., fall) to have their lives changed.
Perhaps contact APS as the first step. Let someone else - not you - make the decisions for them, or unfortunately, something else might happen, so that then you are not the 'evil' daughter who forced them out of their home. And please know, given your mother's disposition, no matter where she is placed, she sounds like she will never be happy with anything or anybody. So, at least accept that for your own peace of mind. It got to the point with my mother I had to totally disengage my emotions and feelings when I had to deal with her, help her, interact with her - otherwise I would have been an emotional wreak.
Now I'm realizing that there is a difference between what would make my life easier and my mind more at rest, and how she sees it. Maybe for her, waiting to fall and break something is the best plan? Once that happens, it's out of her hands and I will have to make all the decisions for both of them about where they live. I did convince her to let a visiting nurse come in briefly each day when I go out of the country for a week. I told her it was for my peace of mind and she says she agrees.