My parents went through a nasty divorce 40 years ago. They really should have never married-always fighting and screaming at each other. I'm an only child and saw/ heard many things that I shouldn't have. My dad drank and did horrible things but I truly feel that my mom's constant nagging led him to it. They divorced and my dad remarried a wonderful lady and they stayed together 26 years until her death. My mom never remarried, and always was jealous of them. My dad has Parkinson's and dementia and lives in Asst Living. He is now calling my mom saying he's sorry for what happened and he wants to be friends and maybe get back together. He's afraid that he will go to Hell because of the divorce. My mom doesn't want to talk to him and is upset with me that he calls her. She wants me to take his phone away from him, which I can't of course. When my mom doesn't answer his calls, my dad will call me wanting to know what's my mom's problem. My mom says she doesn't want anything to do with my dad, but she is always asking about him and says she should visit him. She likes the drama so people feel sorry for her.
I'm 55, but feel like I'm 10 again being right in the middle of my parents' issues. I have told both of them to leave each other alone. Neither will listen. Also, I'm a person that hates confrontation and I should have put my big girl pants on years ago and told them both off. Is it too late now? In the big scheme of things, they will be gone in a few years anyway.
Your mom shouldn't go visit him. They've been apart almost twice as long as they were together, and they're essentially strangers to one another. They need to go their own ways and leave it alone.
Don't do anything to facilitate any of this stuff. It's never too late to don those big girl shorts and lay out the law for them, but I think it's certainly a good idea that you do what you can to cut off the communication between them if they won't do it themselves. Since Dad has dementia, I think the phone trick might not be a bad plan.
Tell Dad that if divorcing Mom was so bad, God would not have given him the wonderful wife he was married to for 26 years.
Your mother wants nothing to do with him which is also a bit immature after so many years but also likes to have a 'toe in the water without going swimming'.
Two suggestions:
1. When mother asks you for an update, dial his number and hand her the phone (or if you are already on the phone, use another phone to dial and patch it through);
2. Discuss/prepare a 'letter of forgiveness' for your mother to sign. She may or may not wish to 'co author' - either way, it is more symbolic to give your father some peace in his addled state of mind. Of course, she may not wish to exonerate your father (which is a little sad) but it is such a nice gesture to part ways on friendlier terms.
On some level I feel the whole thing is quite touching - your father may be more lucid on this than anything we could comprehend, and your mother still sounds emotionally conflicted (which offers some chance of reconciling past deeds).