Disagreement over brother's care by younger, non participating brother. How can I handle this anxiety?
I am the sole sister to two younger brothers. One is disabled from advanced childhood polio and now post polio syndrome. He developed a bladder infection (with delirium) that evidently never cleared after treatment with antibiotics. Sepsis set in and he was rushed to an ICU, requiring a ventilator. I stayed with him day/night in a chair. After a week, he was stabilized, with next step to an acute care hospital for eventual wean off the vent. Issue, my youngest brother protested the facility based on rumors from a "friend" without any evidence. ICU docs explained to him that our brother wouldn't be accepted at a traditional hospital and he was okay. Once the transfer was made, he started it all again, convinced my ill brother was tracing in his palm that "things weren't right" there. I have witnessed nothing but competent, appropriate care. He has not been in a hospital since childhood, not comfortable with nurses doing catheter and personal hygiene procedures. There are few acute care hospitals that specialize in vent weaning, which is his only health issue. Another center would be too far away for any of us to visit. As is, I live 3 hours away but other brothers live here. Youngest brother is now not speaking to me. I am stressed out, sad, and having nightmares over my brother's care, which started a month ago with no end in sight. Ironically, the younger brother lives a couple of blocks away from the home I provide for my disabled brother, going months without checking on him, never getting him out for any activity. How can I handle this anxiety and guilt I am allowing him to dump on me? I pray for his not passing away there to not endure more.
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SO typical. They criticize, tell you what you are doing wrong, yet do nothing to help. While you don't currently have POA, would a temporary emergency guardianship be possible?
If the ill brother can communicate in any way (not by mouth, being on a ventilator) and express his wishes, then that's what needs to be done. Can he write down his preferences/wishes? On paper, tablet, or some other method? Or can he be questioned and provide affirmative or negative responses in any way?
It's what he wants that is important, not what Mr Judgement says. If you can ask the questions about his care and video the whole process, maybe it can set things straight? Esp if what Mr J says is BS.
No one ever wants to stay in a hospital or medical facility, but until he can return home, they have to make the best of it. Stirring the pot isn't helping. I spent almost a month in one, and it was 3 weeks too long for me! My complaints and begging finally got me sent home with home nurses to assist and medications/feed bag shipped to me. What a relief!
You say you have 2 younger brothers and this about the youngest
"the younger brother lives a couple of blocks away from the home I provide for my disabled brother".
Then in your reply you say "I previously discussed medical and power of attorney with "Bob" and the brother that lives with him".
Thats 3 brothers? And you live 3 hours away and they expect you to do everything or...because your older and a sister you feel its up to you. Seems to me you have 3 men here who should be very capable in handling things themselves. You live 3 hrs away and they have done alright till now, right? You must all be in your 70s since polio hit in the early 50s. I am the oldest of 4, my sister passed. Then I have 2 brothers. At 71 I have grown out of that "big sister" part. My brothers both have families. If there is a medical crisis they can handle it. I pray they are capable of caring for themselves.
I read what "post polio syndrome" is and its looks like its going to be hard for brother to function. He may need a higher level of care. Are you and your brother/s willing to do the caregiving? Oh and to that younger brother, since you like to criticize me, if you can do better than do it. Remember, guilt is self imposed.
Your brother can try and guilt you, but only you can take on the guilt - please put it back down, you are already carrying enough around - I know easier said than done. If your younger brother doesn't take on responsibility for the care of your brother, he doesn't get to criticize. My brother hasn't spoken to me since shortly after our father died.
If your ill brother can communicate in some way and is no longer incompetent then follow his wishes.