I was wondering if anyone can advise me please? My mum is 82 and has dementia, which has gotten worse, and she is now in hospital waiting to get a brain scan today. I have a brother who hasn’t seen or made contact with her in over 20 years and I’m unsure whether or not to get in contact with him. I have sent him texts previously for birthdays, etc. and he has not replied. My friends are saying that he obviously is not interested and not to bother, but I am torn. Has anyone else been in this situation? Thank you.
i'm sure it's not nice for you, or your mother, to get ignored by your brother.
some people cut contact, and that's how it is.
you and your mother decide if you want to write to him -- yet again.
a little quote:
"stop worrying about people who aren't worried about you."
Barb gave good advice here. You can text him a very brief update, offer that he can contact you if he'd like more information, and carry on with what you have to do for yourself and your mum.
You should let him know what's happening with your mother now. What went on before, the reason why he's lost touch so completely, is probably harder to get to the bottom of AND is not your problem; it's also not your problem if he chooses not to respond; but the humane thing is to give him the information. Don't be tempted to add any requests or instructions - say something like "I think it right to let you know that..." and leave him to decide what he wants to do. If anything.
Make sure you give him your current telephone number and return address.
You don't say, though - have you actually tried calling him?
I've often changed my phone number when changing cell phone providers.
He may be using a landline only and his cell phone is disconnected and someone else has his number now.
(This has happened to me, people had texted cell phone numbers I haven't had in years and I find out about it a year later when I see them and they are annoyed because I never answered their texts when I never even saw them.)
Or, he may be low vision and is unable to read texts, he may not have a cell phone any longer.
But, I have a strong feeling that he is not receiving the texts. Could easily be some stranger who now has his former number.
Even e-mail addresses change over the years, or you forget your password, etc or even forget about the account because it's full of spam and you just don't bother with it & use a new one.
I would either call the number you have and speak to him in person, or send him a letter in the mail.
If you have a working phone number call him and tell him she's in the hospital. Send him a text. Or even mail a written note.
It is what it is. Your brother doesn't want a relationship with your mother. If the two of you are on good terms and didn't have a falling out or anything, you should ask him why sometime.
If you have an address, send a note. "Hope all is well with you. I felt the need to write this note to tell you Mom now has Dementia and at this moment is waiting for a brain scan. If you would like to contact me, my phone # is ..."
If u have no address, then try text or email if you have it. If brother does not respond, then you have your answer. He is not interested or you have no updated info on him and that is not your fault.
My brother has not contacted me since Sept 2017. I have texted him and the last two years no response. His two girls, in their mid 20s, have not kept in touch. One is a teacher in my Township. She will be married (got a please save the date) in June. We will not be attending because we will be on a Cruise a year and a half in the making. Lots of money involved. I will send a nice card with a check.
Wish you the best.
Yes, I agree with Pamhen contact whoever you think needs to know, brother, and he's an adult let him do with it what he wants. Relay the info and let them claim ownership of it. You are not responsible for how other people respond.
For some reason in life, it's not even Steven...you jus have to play the cards you're dealt with. This goes on in every family. It would be nice if he showed up to give you some support.
Amen...
Personally, I would struggle if I didn't do all I could to help, but while siblings are quite 'removed' from the care duties, that doesn't mean they are not impacted by their decisions or conflicted in coming to terms with their feelings.
And it's not always obvious by outward behaviour (silence, disconnection, or even frustration).
In my situation, I try not to update every new development in order to shield them from undue escalation of crisis, whereas major episodes (hospitalisations, accidents) are notified without hesitation, in some way relieving any guilt or burden I carry as a consequence (transparency is very reassuring).
Naturally, none are or should feel obligated to respond, but I find it helpful to relate to their ordeal of the unseen/unknown, while I am blessed with dealing only with the reality.
It is very much a personal choice.
Then, if you do not get a response, you have your answer.
I think your brother should be told, if only to give him a choice. Who knows, he may become an unexpected source of support for you at a difficult time.
My brother and I are far from reconciled; too much water under the bridge, but I think there is a peace and acceptance there, which there wasn’t before between us. And we had a few laughs at memories during the process. I know this may be different for you, but we never know. All we can give is an opportunity. Good luck in this challenging part of your life. You are doing a magnificent job!
that way if he ever accuses you of shutting him out you have proof of contact.
Accept that it may backfire. I informed my dreadful father that my mother had died, and he faxed me a picture of a soul in torment entitled ‘Revenge pursued beyond the grave’. That said it all, really!
And your texts and birthday wishes have not been answered in that time as well?
There is not enough information here. What was the earthquake that 'caused this separation? What exactly do you need from him? What does he need from you, or your mom to remedy the situation?
He may be in a very bad or difficult condition or situation that he doesn't care to share with you.
I wouldn't do what I'm going to suggest but you can try a one last-ditch effort by sending a brief report and photo of her as she is today. Say that you have finally gotten the hint and won't trouble him any longer. Add your number and let him know that if he ever wants to communicate you will keep the same phone number you've had for the last 20 years for at least another 20 years. Wish him well, sign it and stop beating a dead horse.
Yes, I have had a similar situation.
I have not been in your situation personally but as a DSP which is a Professional Caregiver I am familiar with different stages of Dementia and what to expect during the different stages and have information that may be helpful for you.
First of all It is so very important that you get to understand as much as possible about the disease now to know what to expect.
I know you have not talked to your brother but maybe as time goes on you can help him see the serious effect that 24/7 caregiving can take on the health of the caregiver.
Also to help educate you on your Moms diagnoses I would like to give you the following website that can be a great help. It is from a lady that’s an expert on Dementia named Teepa Snow. We were trained on much of her information when I worked with one company. Please look at a few of her videos and information. It is as follows. https://teepasnow.com/resources/about-dementia/
This may be a lot for now but maybe this can help as a reference, because remember, the more you educate yourself NOW on things to do and what to expect, the more you will be equipped to handle the disease and various behaviors. I hope this helps. Please feel free to contact me.
I hope the best for you
Just wanted to check back with you to see how things are coming along with your Mom. I don’t know if you were able to contact your brother or not to get help from him but as much help and training that you can get for yourself the better ti get to understand the disease and what you’re up against. You have no control over what he will or will not do