My father-in-law (FIL) has stage 4 chronic kidney disease, and currently lives in assisted living in Seattle, together with mother-in-law (MIL). Both are 80. Recently, MIL fainted from exhaustion of helping FIL with basic duties, such as going to toilet, bathing, which FIL cannot do well anymore. Fortunately, all her tests came out fine. From this incident, they are moving to LA, to be closer to us.
MIL wants to live with us in our home, FIL will need to be relocated to assisted living facility here. I don't mind having the MIL, but I am freaking out about the FIL's close proximity to us. He's a tyrant, and we don't get along. My husband does everything for him, literally, EVERYTHING. FIL was first generation immigrant, and depends heavily on his son. It was a relief that we moved to LA, putting some distance between us. The past few years living apart from my in-laws have been wonderful, and we now also have an 18 month old toddler.
I find myself slipping into depression, I can't sleep nor eat well. In short, I am freaking out. I am seeking counsel from this group, and how best to handle, and re-frame the situation. Also, what is the prognosis for stage 4 kidney failure, without dialysis? Relative to his illness, it will be 2 years come June. FIL contracted pneumonia nearly 2 years ago which triggered kidney disease, he has a host of other chronic conditions, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. Thank you for your advice in advance.
Stressed in LA.
Here is some info about when someone with late state CKD chooses to not have dialysis:
https://bit.ly/3s3CDqc
You really don't need a "reason" to say no to caregiving someone. It's challenging enough to have a toddler! Say "no" and don't consider any other compromises. Your husband needs to put you first. If he doesn't...that's another issue. I wish you much confidence, wisdom and clarity in working through this. May you have peace in your heart.
I doubt that the situation will change with the move. I have the feeling that your FIL will not permit others to help him.
I would not let MIL move in with you. At least begin the conversation like this....
MIL should stay with FIL for the first few months so that he adjusts better to the new facility.
MIL and FIL should allow the staff to do what they are supposed to do, ASSIST both MIL and FIL with daily activities.
You might even want to find out if FIL is eligible for Hospice. That would provide more help for your In Laws.
I love your suggestion to dialogue, "MIL should stay with FIL...", this is wise. This way everyone will see and adjust a bit. My husband says next step is nursing home, is that the same as hospice?
Sure do wish you luck. I have long known my limitations prohibit my ever doing LTC for an elder, and I never attempted it.
I am trying to exercise compassion. I want the best for my in-laws truly. But I am freaking out. Yes, I've read this situation can drag on...
I also wonder why Mom was doing all the work in an AL? It kind of defeats the purpose. FIL is that much of a tyrant?
Your husband needs to learn boundries with Dad. Look up the meaning of Narcissist.
Find the closest facility you can and let hubby visit often. When permitted, you and toddler visit as often as you can, too. They are the grandparents even if one is a little more difficult. Tell hubby managing a kid and an elderly mom is just too much PLUS they would be without each other in the final years.
My dad moved in with my husband and myself a year ago. It has been a very tough year. However, now we are not sorry. My dad is on home Hospice and we love having him here.
You must be a team and be in agreement as we as have many resource already lined up prior to moving him there.
You must have great doctors ready, an adult baby sitting company available, like Visiting Angels, you need time away. Most of all, have support, conversations and plans.
Caregiving is very very tough. It is good to question whether you are up to this. Remember too, this may really be important to your husband. But tell him your concerns in a loving way and listen, then pray.
I would also be willing (when the time comes) to block my FIL’s cell phone or room calls from my phone and especially at dinner time. Create a safe zone where you can have peace in your home. I could see him calling and demanding numerous times every day, ordering you, his wife and son around.
Im so sorry for your situation. My sister is a nurse who works with dementia patients. She tells me that if a parent was abusive and domineering to begin with...they don’t get a free pass just because they have dementia. It will be up to you and your husband to set the healthy boundaries and protect yourselves.
Before your in-laws make the move, you and your husband need to discuss how involved your family will be with his care. If he needs help with everything, it might be wisest for FIL to be placed into total care residence (nursing home) where the staff can meet all his needs. Otherwise, your husband can talk with the staff about advising him when FIL would need to move to total care. If MIL will be living in your home, your family also needs to discuss how to meet her needs. She may wish to spend the day with her husband and come home to be with you in the evenings. She may also have health care needs that she needs assistance with. Because you also have a small child in the home, I suggest you write down his/her schedule before talking with your husband. Ask MIL what her usual schedule is and write that down as well. Talk with your husband about if it is possible to mesh the schedules AND create time for just the 2 of you daily and weekly. As a couple, your first priority should be to each other. Your next highest priority is your child (though right now his/her needs are a very high priority). After your child, comes extended family. Express your concerns to your husband and address them together.
Please make sure to take care of yourself and your child. If you find yourself still feeling anxious or depressed, please seek a counsellor to help you with coping techniques. It is not a shameful thing to feel overwhelmed with a difficult situation.
Think of the advantages. Your MIL can help baby sit your toddler.
sounds like you’re a wonderful daughter!! :)
and your mother must have been a wonderful person too!!
:)
Ummmm, where does this sister get off with this? The parents (your in-laws) were living in AL, NOT with her. Sure, she was involved, but it is NOT the same as saying "dad took care of his mom (now it's your turn)"
Make sure hubby gets THIS point. Yes, it is fine to help out sometimes, but they've been in AL and should move to another AL, together. Ensure the "extra" help he needs is NOT canceled. MIL can either work with them, regardless of what the "tyrant" says or thinks. MIL can excuse herself when the "help" times are scheduled.
Someone needs to help MIL understand that despite what her husband says or demands, SHE has a right to say no as well. At her age, she shouldn't be doing what she's been required to do, by him. Old country or not, it isn't 1800 anymore!
Stand your ground. No is a complete sentence. They will be living close enough for hubby to help out, if that's what he feels is right. There's no mention of any issues MIL might have, but even if there are none, warnings are in order:
1) She isn't getting younger and issues may evolve soon enough
2) Any current issues will progress/get worse.
3) Lack of privacy for you and hubby
4) Potential for interference in child-rearing
5) Potential for demands for help, even when not needed.
6) Once entrenched, how to get a move done when needed?
If possible, make a list of pros and cons. Use information provided here as well as your own thoughts and concerns. Consider how the cons can be addressed, if it's even possible.
I do believe with a young, potentially growing, family that taking in difficult elders is going to be a burden, but can affect everyone negatively. If they were pleasant, not needy, sweet elders, maybe.
My parents and mom's sisters took turns caring for mom's mother. She was easy to care for, the next generation (us kids) were mostly grown, many out of the home, the care-givers were not retired yet and she passed probably late 70s, well before everyone's NICE long retirements! Dad's younger brother never married, and cared for their mother in her home. So, there ARE cases when it works and all is good. Too many have dementia, which can bring a whole other level of "difficult", and then there are the "old school" people like FIL. Wife only does care. Family must do care. Whatever they decide is for THEM, it doesn't mean we have to agree or comply.
My mother's plans included moving to AL when she felt the time was right. In her case, dementia came along early 90s and blew that plan up! Being senior with physical limitations, I couldn't do the care myself, but I could ensure she was in a safe place with good care and manage everything for her. Bros were useless!
Make that list and check it twice. Be ready to push back on hubby and his sister.
It sounds like your husband feels trapped into caring for a irritable father. If he came into your home, it WILL negatively affect your child. That is a given. It doesn't mean he won't care for them, he can do it from a distance. It probably won't help because of the strong pull of cultural beliefs. I recommend counseling.
Take care of your self and your baby. If you don't have a career, I strongly you start thinking about it, because I can't see your marriage lasting if your FIL comes into your house. I speak from experience. It was MY mother that moved in with us. I didn't want to but my husband insisted. I finally left both of them and never looked back. I know having her there, even though she had an apartment in the house, put the final straw on this camel's back and I couldn't stand it anymore.
(I think it's interesting that Mom is willing to live completely away from Dad at your house. What's that about? Has she had enough of his company, too?)
I think you'll be far less stressed if you have yet another conversation with your husband and make it very clear that the two of you need to be on the same page about this. I'm less concerned about the dad since there's no question he'll be at a facility getting the care he needs, but who'll be caring for Mom all day -- you? At 80, she's not going to be in great health much longer either, so who deals with that while (I assume) your husband is at work and you're dealing with a toddler?
He needs to be realistic. Mom and Dad are a package deal, and just because Dad's sick right now doesn't mean there are other considerations to deal with regarding Mom. Your husband isn't going to be taking his dad to the bathroom or getting him dressed in a facility you don't live in, so I think your biggest concern is the MIL situation, and that needs to be handled up front. You don't want relationships (between you two primarily) to be irreparably damaged because his mom comes between you. His job as a son is to see his parents are cared for, just as he did when they were in Seattle. They were in a facility where they were cared for (though Dad is in the wrong level of care), and that's how it should be when they come to L.A.
I also can't imagine how you plan to get them to L.A....
I am glad that you are not taking in his dad since he isn’t very nice.
You already have your hands full with a toddler.
I took my mom in when my youngest daughter was a toddler. It is exhausting!
Wishing you and your family all the best.
Please set boundaries before she arrives and discuss her leaving with your husband before she moves in, in case things don’t work out.
I like the suggestion of placing her in the assisted living facility with her husband but in a separate area.
She will not have to care for him but can still be near him and you and hubby have your well deserved privacy.
Then your husband can visit them at the facility.