So much to say... I could write a book. But, I won't bore you! My husband and I moved in with my Sister and BIL a little over 5mo ago.
I have had 3 back surgeries and I have a spinal cord stimulator...and am not really supposed to lift over 20lbs BIL does most of the lifting when he is home...but I still have to help him many times a week😏. But...what am I supposed to say NO. I can't say no or won't say no. We are like kids to them and they do treat us that way most of the time. (They are 15 years older than me..both 75)My sister tells me that I don't care (dementia talking I guess)..and my sister and BIL get upset if they think we are not "putting them first"! I hardly ever leave the house and my husband and I don't get to do anything spur of the moment like we used to..we were always doing almost everything together..but now we can't. (I feel guilty about putting my husband and marriage through this) but, we both promised them years ago that if they needed us to help them we would. So, we are living up to that promise. (We have been kicked out twice because I made my BIL mad...then both times the said he was sorry and asked us to stay) On top of the dementia he fell (3 months ago) she tried to help him he landed on her foot/ankle and fractured her ankle and because of the fixator she has been bedridden the whole time until she had surgery this week to take it off. They told her she should start putting pressure on it now and physical therapy starts next week...so far she refuses to do it and just sat in her bed and peed and didn't even say she needed to go. That is a whole other issue. She can get really mean especially to me and BIL. She is ALWAYS nice to my husband! She loves him to death LOL! (this is the dementia again..but so far I can handle that. However I do get mad and hurt at times). All of this is just the tip of the iceberg. I love them dearly and want to help but, I am sooo tired, depressed and feeling sick today I wonder if we did the right thing. Ohh one more thing..when she got out of the hospital..they told me about a small aide being able to lift her so easily...BIL did not understand why it was so hard for me and..this is not the first time my back has come in to play with him. I have degenerative disc disease...reason for the above mentioned surgeries and spinal cord stimulator. I did come back at him on that..(at my own risk...he does not like when I come back at him). It was talked about before we moved in. It was just a jab at me (another long story with a long history behind it).
And yes I know he is tired too!
Sorry for the long post...sometimes I just need to talk to someone and get it out
Thanks in advance!
You can be of most help to them if you are their durable PoA. This way someone trustworthy will legally be making important decisions on their behalf when they need it most (and this day WILL come for both of them). But they need to make this decision. I personally wouldn't stick around for 1 second if they thought I'd take care of them without any legal authority. If you do have PoA, that's good. If you don't and they won't assign anyone...this will become a circus and you and hubby will be the monkeys. The only option to help them would be guardianship.
Also, are you getting compensated for all this care? You should have a contract and all payments above the table. If your in-laws ever need Medicaid, the application lookback for some states can be as long as 5 years. They are very touchy about financial activity that meets their definition of "gifting", which would delay or disqualify them and thus cut out a very important option.
You and your husband moved in. You can move out. If your back becomes permanently wrecked, what does that mean for your qualify of life? Please... find a way to say "no" to them and "yes" to your husband and marriage -- you won't regret it but you most likely WILL regret staying in the circus. I wish you much courage, wisdom and peace in your heart that your in-laws do have plenty of other options for care. It just shouldn't be you.
I made the decision together over 20 years ago. I would never make that decision or any other major decision alone. We both respect each other too much for that.
I do concede that it is not the best decision we have ever made and it is very hard...he doesn't jump in our disagreements often...but, BIL knows not to cross him. The first time BIL kicked us out (I made him mad). The second time I left the decision up to him alone as I was not mentally strong enough at the time and hubby chose to stay. But if BIL tells me to leave again ever..he told me to start packing immediately or just walk out. We do still own our house so we could go there...or just rent until we could pick a place to go.
Again..I appreciate your input.
I often caution people who "move in" to do caregiving that they will end up homeless and jobless and often mentally and physically broken, with no job history. We see them forced to go to homeless shelters in hope of getting some minimum pay job that will allow them EVENTUALLY to afford a room in someone else's home.
I wish you the best. You have decisions to make for your own life. No one can decide life for another.
You say you can't move out. I take that to mean that you feel obligated for some reason. Obligation breeds resentment. You already feel depressed and physically ill. Your mental and physical ailments aren't going to improve.
From what I can tell, you think both your BIL and your sister have dementia. How do you know? You haven't mentioned any observed symptoms or that they've been screened for it. Did you move in with them to care for them? If you suspect dementia, they need to visit their PCP and be evaluated. If they do have dementia, all four of you are looking at an unpredictable future.
I have so rarely seen multi-generational families living together--or combos of families--in peace.
So you made an agreement 20 years ago and it's been pretty unpleasant as of late. Your SIL pees herself in the bed and sees nothing wrong with that? Who gets the lovely job of completely stripping the bed every day and moving her and cleaning her up? I have back problems and I know that I cannot do a lot of things I used to take for granted.
However, while you state you have another home you can live in, but continue to stay with these people and don't seem to want to brook anyone's opinion on how to make this better/easier for yourself--then there's nothing I or any one else can say to make you change your mind.
I just wish you the patience to endure, if you cannot find it in your mind to actually change the situation.
I realize you're not looking for real advice because you say you "seriously just can't" move out of this seriously untenable living arrangement you've agreed to, knowing it was a huge mistake, so you need to ask yourself what comes next after both of you need care yourselves?
Good advice here.
So in answer to your question above,
Yes.
And once your BIL kicks you out again you can say you tried, move back home, and work on getting them into a situation that meets their needs. It will help if you get a POA.
Good luck!