I joined this forum and have been lurking. Question: Do you think it is possible for sibling relationships to recover from the caregiving experience? Do you think you can ever feel love for your sibling(s) after your caregiving experience?
Two siblings and I share (unevenly) caregiving for a step-dad and our bio dad and his wife. I'm wondering when everything is over with if we will ever be sibling friends again.
I have a healthcare background. So, I took care of Mom 90% of the time for 3 years until she passed. I took care of my FIL in his 9-month fight with cancer. (In the end, other people took credit. I didn't take care of them for the accolades, so I don't care. The important thing was that they had good care.) Currently, I stay with my step-dad and take care of him and his house. He can wash himself and use the microwave to heat meals that I prepare. (I work full time.) I also prepare meals for my father and his wife.
Sibling 2 resides in her own home, but does housework for dad and wife and takes them to appointments. Sibling 1 takes step-dad to appointments and fills in occasionally for sibling 2 to allow vacations. BIL does all lawn care for step-dad.
I am missing valuable time with my husband who is 100 miles away. I've seen him once or twice a month for the last 6 years because of caregiving. I have some health issues and I'm exhausted. Yet, both siblings criticize me for not doing more. We used to be friends, but I have grown to resent them and I think I am starting to hate them. After 5 years, I took a vacation (once), the sibling who relieved me threw away/gave away (to her children) many of my things. (Cooler, small kitchen appliances, food in cupboards and freezer, linens, towels, blankets, exercise equipment, etc.)
I have tried to talk siblings into a rotation: rotate time with the two parents who need us for two weeks and take a third week off. No, they won't do it. Siblings 4 and 5 list out of state and will not help/relieve us. Step-dad has 4 children who will not help. Dad's wife has 2 children who do not help. I'm not sure that I want anything to do with ANY of them when this is all done.
Sorry, I'm rambling now (bad weekend with about 3 hours of sleep).
My original question: Do you think sibling relationships can survive the care-giving experience? If you are on the other side of this experience, were you able to somehow forgive and resume any kind of good relationship?
There is no reason why you should be living away from your husband....or that other relatives should be doing lawn care. Step dad needs to sell his place if he can't take care of it and get a senior apt or independent living. Do you realize you are giving up your life so his doesn't have to change? Why?
Other than your stepfather's kids who are completely out of line (but who knows the story about their relationship with their dad), everyone seems to be stepping up to one extent or another. You having abandoned your marriage completely for YEARS is absurd, but look at it from your siblings' point of view -- Susie (you) is willing to do that, so thank goodness I don't have to.
Your suggestion that everyone rotate duties fell on deaf ears, so why not call another family meeting and lay out some boundaries -- "I am going back to my husband and my life on (say) June 1, so what do you all suggest we do about everyone's care?" Their ideas may not align with what you think is acceptable, so you will either have to acquiesce to what they're willing to do or continue on the road you're on.
You can't force anyone live up to your demands on their time, so I suggest you become more willing to let this be a family decision rather than only your decision. If you can't do that, then there'll you'll stay, seething and resenting people who have laid down boundaries when you could not.
The elders of your family have ample resources and a wide network of potential caregivers. They don't need you. Assuming that your husband still thinks he does, I recommend you pack up and go home.
So let me ask you to look at it this way. What if you HAD no siblings.
None at all.
It's just you.
Would you have taken on all this care? Because it was you who took it on. It was your choice. And I think the hard time comes when we see what we are doing to OURSELVES and to our own immediate nuclear family through OUR OWN CHOICE.
Yes, I was very lucky. My parents worked hard and they saved even harder and they got themselves in places with care that increased by need when they were elderly. And my brother and I loved one another deeply all our lives. While the managing as POA and Trustee was something I had to learn from scratch I was handling the estate of a very organized and agreeable man, and I am of an organized bent myself. I consider myself very very lucky indeed.
But I am going to ask you to let your siblings out of the picture, out of the equation and not look at it with them in mind. We have on Forum seen HORRIBLE siblings who cheat and steal the parents until there is nothing left while one struggles to care for them. We have seen siblings as war trying to tear their parents apart before they die. We have seen dreadful things. And it is hard for siblings to work together and to share care. But at last, at the final countdown you are left with your own choices. You are caring for parents one after another to the detriment of your own health and well being and that of your family.
I would suggest counseling. This isn't about your siblings. If they didn't exist this would be all about you in the most clear way. And ultimately it is about you. You have to come to terms with the fact that this is your ONE LIFE and you are going to have to face up to the grief of not being able to do it ALL.
I am a caregiver by nature and I know how this can hurt, but trying to do it all is putting yourself on an altar that brings grief to yourself and others.
I am so sorry. Many here face daily how tough this is all. You are going to get lots of sympathy from those who suffer as you do and suffer worse. I wish you the very best.
I was the oldest of 3 and the only female. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1997, so my mental health has been fragile for many years. I never had kids and knew I'd never be able to have my parents live under the same roof with me. It was never an option which I always made clear. I joined the Navy to get away from my dysfunctional family. Then when I retired to Florida, the folks moved 1200 miles to the same retirement community. The next several years I had to help them with everything and they moved several times; 2 Independent Living apartments and then Assisted Living. The worry and stress took its toll on my health and they argued and complained constantly. Now I never expected any hands on help from my brothers as they lived 1200 miles away. (They were also my narcissist father's favorites, especially the youngest.) He would at least call and occasionally visit. The middle brother never bothered, barely a card or email to keep in touch with the folks. But I thought I'd at least get some moral support for when I was feeling overwhelmed with everything I was dealing with.
Shortly after my mom died, I was diagnosed with liver disease, had a failed surgery making me legally blind in one eye, AND was declared dead by the SS Administration. All while dealing with my sociopathic father which made my PTSD flare up. When I dared to vent how overwhelmed I was via text, my youngest brother's new wife (less than a year in the family) had the nerve to post this about me in Facebook:
"Ok I need to vent! No job and don’t clean your own house or mow and keep your own lawn. Your husband busts his ass to make money and you b*tch you can’t handle everyday sh*t and can’t “adult today”. Feeling fed up with the whining. Get a clue and a dose of reality. Appreciate the life you have fallen into and the people who keep you comfortable. Take a small part of responsibility even if it inconveniences you. 😡"
That was the last straw! I was so shocked and hurt. Never mind that I had spent nearly $60,000 of my own money to ensure our parents were taken care of and I never asked for a penny for help (and they never offered either.) And yes, they knew I'm a disabled Veteran with PTSD. I went no contact and after 15 more months, the old man finally passed. As sole Trustee, I waited 18 months to send the inheritance checks. I attached a letter to each of them, letting them know how I felt and saying my final words. That helped me to start healing and letting go of the anger. I have finally moved on and have no intention of speaking to them ever. It galled me that they got their 1/3 of the assets when they did nothing to deserve it, but hey, they always were the Golden Child and I was the scapegoat. I learned in childhood that life wasn't fair.
I don't have any guilt or grief as I know I did my best and sacrificed my best retirement years.
To answer your questions, yes caregiving permanently ruined our sibling relationships and no, I will never forgive how they deserted me. Every family is different. Your results may vary. Please believe that you have nothing to feel guilty about if you decide to sever ties with toxic family members.
Wishing you much luck.
terrible how your siblings treated you (and your brother's new wife).
it's bizarre, but i feeeeeel it's very common:
the siblings who do NOTHING criticize/treat terribly the one who is helping!
i think they feel (somewhere deep inside) GUILTY. GUILTY people like to try to make others feel guilty.
they have to throw that feeling onto someone.
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regarding my situation:
i have 3 brothers. (older)
i thought they were great people.
in fact, in many ways i totally admired them.
THEN, our parents started needing help.
all sorts of new behavior appeared from them. toxic. awful.
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what i think navyvet...
is that, it's as they say:
it's in the bad times, that you'll see someone's true colors.
when everything's going well...sure, people behave kind of ok.
when things go badly...oh boy...
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the way i see things, is:
i ALWAYS prefer to know the truth.
i'm very glad i know their true character, rather than continuing to live with a totally false image of them.
and i prefer to know, as soon as possible.
so, now i know. good.
now i can plan my life accordingly, knowing how they really are.
saved me years. how terrible it would have been to continue living with an illusion.
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there are all types of siblings: some siblings of course have valid reasons for their behavior.
i'm obviously referring to the opposite.
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dear navyvet,
things will work out.
i wish you to be surrounded by lots and lots of love & kindness!!
a full life.
hug!!
bundle of joy :)
"All those years of begging my brother for help with her are almost over."
"It’s sad, but some siblings only think about themselves."
"I’m at peace knowing I have done the best for my mom all these years. I have no intentions of ever speaking to him again."
i totally understand you. hug!!!
I will not be in contact with the extended family that haven't made much effort.
Some families might recover but mine isn't because this has just been too hard and difficult to do basically by oneself. I don't want to hear excuses. So I will take my husband's hand and walk through the door and close it behind us and walk back into our own life.
He decided come the time to move her into a NH, I would do everything involving the process, start to finish. I asked if he wanted to review things with me as they unfolded. He said no, he trusted me.
A few years later, I had no choice left but to do "the dreaded deed." As will happen in families under stress, things were said (including "How can you do this to my mother?!!"----I was adopted and treated much differently than was "the golden boy," so his comment really stung.) That conversation didn't get any better, and ended with him hanging up on me.
I was done at that moment. We didn't speak for 15 years, and no one else in the family spoke to me. It was fine by me. I didn't regret it since the stress of the entire family dynamic had disappeared. I felt light and free.
He reconnected after a life-altering event. Whatever the reasons, we finally became more brother and sister than just people in the same family who knew each other. So, it can happen.
P.S.: I do believe that our mother not being around helped somewhat. She used to pit us against each other--golden boy vs. the other one. I also think both of us having grown older helped. Mmmm, no, I know it did.
I don't have any real relationships left. All of my siblings are older than me. I have an older sister who is currently in a nursing home. As far as I'm concerned, she is being well taken care of. She has a house and five living children. I think one of them left the caregiving scene. The daughter is the youngest and apparently had been taking care of her mom's responsibilities. Another one is living in another state who holds the POA. I get a call from my dad's stepdaughter about my sister's house. I didn't return the call. My doctor had placed on on bedrest that week due to an extremely high blood pressure that was in stroke range. Did I call those folks back? Nope. They are grown adults. They can handle it. I did my share of caretaking when I was younger. According to society, I will be in that old person's category. So, since the so-called stepfamily couldn't reach me, my sister's kids called my brother who is about thirteen years older than me to take on a POA for my sister. I didn't call him back to find out what he decided. He doesn't see any reason to stay in contact with me, and I don't press it. He is an old man.
Family members don't care about the shape you are left in after you are divorced, lacking resources, and your life is in total shambles after these caregiving experiences. One thing I learned is that nursing homes can be the best alternative when a caregiver had done all that they've done. Tell these folks you can no longer do this, and go no JADE. JADE means no justifying, no arguing, no defending and no explaining. You don't owe people your life. It's okay to walk away. Find a nursing agency who can send an aide out to help him and turn this over to someone else.
Your relationship will either survive or it won't and trust me it will never be the same if it does.
Take back your life, the ball is in your court.
All due respect - people will take what you give. We see this topic a lot here. I'm also in an unbalanced caregiving arrangement. And I'm on the other side of it. My BIL and SIL live with my FIL (due in part to their own need, in part to his). My DH and I live an hour away. We help where we can, but we are not primary caregivers and logistically we cannot be. But also, we would not choose to be if they were not there. If they did not live there, it has already been made clear that his needs are beyond what we could provide for and that we would assist in finding a Skilled Nursing Facility - as we are still employed and have a family at home. Because they live in his home, he has "free" in home caregivers 24/7. But if they choose to leave, we will have to find an alternate caregiver solution for him - either he will have to hire 24/7 caregivers or we will have to help him find a SNF. This is our boundary.
We are happy to help where logistically possible. But we do not want to be full time caregivers and actually cannot be at this stage in our lives.
We are working very hard to ensure that this doesn't impact our relationship with SIL/BIL because we are very close to them. We understand that there is some resentment that we don't pull the same weight (but there is a very delicate balance here because they are also mutually dependent on each other) and we talk through that with them. They understand that we can't be there 24/7 and any time issues bubble up we do our best to resolve them.
I say all of that to say this. If you did not have their agreement up front to share equally in this arrangement - it's not exactly fair to expect them to participate in what you signed up for. We all have a line we have to draw and decisions we have to make about what we will and will not do in our lives. You have a high level of caregiving in your life that you have either been ok with or felt that you should give and that's very commendable on your part. But that doesn't mean that your siblings owe anyone that.
Often we are guilty of thinking that we owe our parents care. In my mind what we owe them is a duty of care. That is different. It means that we owe them ensuring that they are cared for. It doesn't mean that we have to be the ones that provide the hands on care. It sounds to me like you are wearing yourself absolutely completely out on caregiving. You have gone from one caregiving arrangement to another. Have you considered that it might be time to hang up the hat and look into finding someone else to do the hands on caregiving? And I don't mean another sibling. I mean a professional caregiver. Either in a skilled caregiving setting or a private home caregiver. When do you get to live your life?
You say you don't know if you want anything to do with your siblings when this is all done. Your siblings are setting their boundaries. And you are judging them for it. Because they haven't made the same choices that you have. And while I understand the resentment, it is completely unfair to expect them to make the same choices that you have. Just as you have the right to make the choices that you have made, they also have the right to make the choices they have made. They just don't align to the vision that you have. And maybe it's time to change the vision so that life is a little easier. Why are you sacrificing yourself and your marriage? People will continue to take what you give until there is nothing left.
But I think you can't expect them to participate at this point- they have shown you what they are willing to do and you have to let go of that expectation and not hang your hopes of a relationship on that and not resent them for it. Too many sibling relationships fall apart because parents don't plan for their elder care and drop it on the shoulders of their kids and leave them to fight it out. It's unfair for all involved.
Your siblings have a right to not participate. YOU have the same right but choose to participate. You have to decide if that is what you want to continue to do independent of what your siblings do. Block out their comments and make a decision for yourself and what you are willing to continue doing.
But you need to take back your life.