My 80 year old mom gets around the house pretty well. But once in public, she acts like taking a step is causing horrible pain. It's not. I know it is more attention mostly but I am having a hard time handling her drama. How can I become a better person and deal with this?
She also complains constantly. There is always something wrong.
We moved her to an Independent Livong Facility and the alert geriatrics doc sent her to a geriatric psychiatrist. She ordered a cognitive assessment.
My mother had significant cognitive decline, due to a stroke that was previously undetected. The addition of antianxiety and antidepressant meds changed everything for the better.
Get your mom to a geriatric psychiatrist.
My grandmother who didn’t even use a cane to walk in her 80’s. She still drove and she got around very well, no health issues and she had a sharp mind. She became terrified of escalators. She referred to them as ‘moving stairs.’ Isn’t that cute? 😊. Anyway, she would ask very politely while we were at the mall together, “Honey, could we please use the elevator instead of the moving stairs?” In the past, she hopped on the escalator like me. She truly became afraid. Of course, I told her that we would go to the second floor on the elevator.
I have to tell you that sometimes I feel like my equilibrium is off and I am leery of using the escalator too. I don’t know why this happens at times but it does so that is why I don’t feel your mom is doing this for attention. Of course, you know your mom better than others. But there could be an underlying medical issue like vertigo or something else.
When did you place your mom? So happy for you.
My mom isn’t with me anymore either. Wasn’t a good ending though. No longer have a relationship with her. I am doing my best to cope but it’s hard. Still, it’s for the best. It was killing me being the primary caregiver.
She plays with our emotions, pretends to be sick, and god forbid if she does have something wrong with her, it is the end of the world, she is going to die.
So far this has not happened, she is 94 and still playing anyone she can.
You are the best person you can be, it is her, not you. Have you had a talk with her, letting her know that the jig is up? I would.
Good Luck, keep posting it will help.
Does this mean you can't go out? Heaven forbid that you become permanent shut-ins. It means to expect more anxiety and acting out. Start creating "going out" routines: familiar coat or purse when going out, favorite walking shoes, hat, jewelry ( I like the ideas of bracelets with lavender oil on the beads)… You may have to start with very short outings - walk outside the house, walk the neighborhood, short grocery trips... - and extend to longer visits with family and friends. My Gram was able to visit me every year for Thanksgiving (and we move A LOT as a military family) with minimal drama.
When I picked my jaw up off the floor I just got up and patted her on the back and said "I'll be sure to tell him hi from you".
I've spoken to her once since then (7 months) Chemo is over, but I'm still sick as sick can be.
I am still not 'over' her cruel and thoughtless comment. I think she was mad b/c I now was 'sicker' than she was.
Go figure.
The quest for attention is real. It's chronic, it's ongoing, and it's incessant with Drama Queen women such as our mothers. It's exhausting and aggravating, too. And it's dangerous. They're like the Boy Who Cried Wolf, when you think about it. Because if/when something is REALLY wrong, we won't believe it due to the fact that they're compulsive LIARS.
We have people here on this forum who advise us that it's 'impossible' for the poor souls with dementia to LIE. Literally IMPOSSIBLE. I'd like to invite these doubters to meet My Mother and take over My Role for ONE WEEK. Then come back and let everyone else in the trenches know just what it's REALLY like to be burdened down with the care and management of a Drama Queen. And just how possible it IS to lie while suffering from dementia! The real suffering is felt by those of us who do the care giving/dealing with them!
You don't have to become a 'better person', my dear. You just have to figure out how to sort the Bull from the Chit so you can keep YOUR act together. I wish you good luck & Godspeed, too, cuz it sure ain't easy.
I concur with the ailments they complain about always have to be worse. In fact today my sciatica has been bad and I've been trying not to say anything because she mentioned her hip hurt too.
If she knows I'm hurting she has a way of kicking when I'm down. I like to be left alone when I don't feel good. Unless someone is genuinely concerned but what a rare phenomena (where they are concerned anyway).
And as far as attention seeking-it depends on who she's going to be around. First it starts of as feeble, as can hardly move at all-then get in the doctors office and showboat. When just the day before she's out and about driving and doing whatever. Gets back to my house and is out like a light snoring. This is the every day cycle. So I don't know when she is 'faking' or showboating, actually really hurting or whatever the flip is happening.
I stay quiet, trying not to engage-do my duty getting her meds squared away. That kind of thing. I've stopped expecting any pat on the back for anything I do for her and just do it for now.
BJeffrey, just do the best you can as the tides change and be yourself-save yourself when needed by getting away some. (best advice I got from here) just take care of yourself. I can tell you are worried because it's getting to you.
This forum is a good place to be just to vent and know you aren't alone. and someone else told me this, You got this!
PS My mom will be 81 in a couple of weeks...
She lives with my brother and he has told many people that I am not sick at all and am lying about not being able to be around their filthy house with 6 cats, 4 dogs (not housebroken) and innumerable birds. Doc said the house was too toxic and so I cannot be in it.
All I told brother was that I couldn't be around the birds and he said that was BS--he's in the medical field (he's an EMT) and that I was making this up. My two kids who are DOCTORS offered to call him and chew him out over this, but frankly, it isn't worth it.
Gone grey rock with mother. She doesn't call, so it's been easy.
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Cognitive decline? Dependant personality? Leaned helplessness? I still don't know. But with the physio's help, she has the right walking aide & I'm trying to keep in the range a professional would - encouraging but not doing it all for her.
If you help more, does she do less?
Maybe visit less. Or if you live with her, find a hobby in another room. Does she have things she enjoys, things to occupy her?
There is a little gadget called the car cane. It works well. You place it in a slot in the door and it allows for a place to hold on and have leverage. Now, there are the ones with the flashlight and so forth or a plain one. Get it on amazon. I’m sorry that I don’t have the specific name. It has a blue handle and it is solid and made stronger. Get that one. Not very expensive.
Feigning pain in public? Of course everyone else who doesn't know you or her will give you the stink eye, won't they? You are "torturing" your mother in their eyes! Perhaps the only solution is to use a transport chair. Pain in the butt if there's really nothing wrong, but what else can you do? IF she still expresses pain, then suggest she not go the next time - if it suddenly gets better, you'd know it was phony (kind of suspect it is, because she gets around fine at home?)
Too often the opposite is what I deal with. If mom is expressing leg pain, it is hard to say yea or nay if it's real. Countless times before dementia she would say she needed to get her knees "done", but she never did it. She was over 90 when dementia kicked in, so there won't be any surgery now!
When still living alone, no real complaints about her well-being, just negative Nancy about various topics. It's so much easier to complain about something than to praise it! I make a point of going the opposite way, as too often we get good service/help, but they get no real thanks!
When we moved her to MC, she was still mobile and self-caring. After about 1 year, she announced she needed 'one of those', indicating a rollator. We had a walker and rollator from when dad used them, in good condition, so I brought the rollator to her. It took several months for her to start using it (her choice.) At some point she started moaning about her leg. Couldn't get appt soon enough (figured it's real), so I took her to ER. You get there, during in-take, oh, I'm fine, I can stand, walk, have no pain. Huh? She got on the scale herself, no complaints, nothing. We get in the bed and for 4.5 hours I had to listen to her moan, groan, wail for the pain. After several tests, they discharged her, no treatment, no medication. Doc visit was even better - no complaints and doc says people with dementia cannot express their pain. Uh, what? In her case, I believe there was pain, but to carry on like that for hours and then get back to the facility and not a peep? I agree with the cry wolf issue - if they do this too often, we don't know when there really is cause for concern!
I did take her to an Ortho - after xrays, he told me if she were 20 years younger we'd be talking surgery. Although she no longer expressed any pain, I requested the injection they can do to alleviate/prevent near future pain.
What irks me is that last week, late on a Friday afternoon, I get a call about her leg pain. Wants me to call doc (what, are your fingers broken?) Wants to send or have me take her to ER. What are they going to do? If you don't have something obvious like a broken bone, bleeding, heart attack, it is a waste of time! I told her the last time they did nothing for it. She suggested trying another ER (seriously????) Brother suggested Urgent Care. NEITHER of these will do anything, esp since they don't know her and have no medical info!! She tried laying the guilt on me about herself not wanting to see mom in so much pain. Duh, neither do I, but I also know that what you are asking to be done won't change anything.
The next time I was there, I chatted with the nurse. She pretty much indicated that it wasn't an issue anymore. The ibuprofen the other wanted orders for was denied. The doc on duty said those over 90 shouldn't be taking it. She has reg appt tomorrow, so we can ask/tell about it, but last time we were there, for pain, she insisted she had nothing wrong and could stand/walk (told her do it, and she couldn't) - doc ordered PT/OT and she refused to work with them.
Sigh. Caring for elders (esp with dementia) is not for the faint-hearted!
I did research about it after he did this and found that although it isn't well-studied they think that sibling abuse is actually more widespread than any other type of domestic abuse! People, including parents, chalk it up to sibling rivalry, boys will be boys, etc. For the most part, people don't see it as abuse, but it is.
Although the parents never "played" us, at least not that I am aware of, I do know that at least in her older years and still today probably she considers him the golden boy. Part of that may be because he isn't local and she doesn't see him as often. When he would visit her it was like the return of the prodigal son! OH OH OH huggy huggy! When I go visit her I can recite what she has to say before she does: "What are you doing here? Where did you come from?" I don't need or even want the fawning or anything like that, it is just galling to see how this bastard gets treated.
Who knows what goes through their minds?
Oh, while on the subject, before he pulled his supermachoman stunt, I sent him to visit with her while I got things ready to go to the condo. Any time after that if I suggested he go visit (he lives at least 2 day drive away, she's now 96 with dementia, so I felt he should visit as much as possible while here), he refused saying 'he didn't know what to do with her.' She adores you and you can't be bothered to go visit and/or figure out how to visit with your mother??? Even funnier is when both brothers found out how expensive MC was, they BOTH said for that kind of money, they would take her in!!! HAHAHAHA, she'd be dead by now. He probably abused his first wife (no idea why she left) and HAS also done similar to his daughter.