How do you deal with an aging parent's constant negativity?
It's funny, but I never realized until my Mother moved in with us just how negative and judgmental she is. Looking back over the years, it has always been this way - I just didn't realize how it has affected me throughout my entire life. Her compliments are always followed by a "but" (your dress is pretty, BUT why don't you do something with your hair?"... "That dinner was good, BUT next time try it with ____", and my biggest pet peeve of all is her pointing out to any and everyone their physical flaws. As a child, I was always reminded that I had a "bubble butt" or that I was "chubby" - the food we were fed as children was the cause, but there was no responsibility taken there. We can't go anywhere in public without her pointing out how "fat" someone is, how "horrible" that person's choice of clothing is, etc. etc. - and because she is hard of hearing, these comments aren't exactly whispers...other people hear her.. IT'S SO EMBARRASSING!!!
Now that my mother is living in my home, the constant negative comments are really taking their toll where my grandchildren are concerned, and I refuse to allow her to treat them the way myself and my siblings were treated. It was never to the level of what I would consider to be abusive, but we all had an extremely low self esteem as a result. The most I've said to her about it is "Geez mom - would it kill you to say something nice once in awhile?" Of course she thinks she's doing the person a "favor" by drawing this stuff to their attention. Oy.
I was just curious if anyone else has dealt with the above, and what they do to cope with it??
My mother is, n always has been, the most negative force in my life...She does all the same things that u describe ur mom to b doing to u n, worse yet....to total strangers...I agree,,,,IT'S EMBARRASSING!!! I cannot tell u the years that i have wasted trying to get, jst one compliment, out of my mom....no can do!....She is extremely cruel to people who r dealing with weight issues...which, btw, would jst so happen that one of those people, is her own grand-daughter, but that still didnt stop her from saying hurtful things, n my daughter remembers EVERY criticism she every heard, while growing up..I have, always, been in a struggle with mom, over her negativity...
Over the last 10yrs...im 54...i've managed to come to a place where i jst have to accept that my mother enjoys her own misery, n she would love nothing more, than for me to join her in it...NO WAY....i have 3 kids of my own, n i made a vow to myself that i refuse to be that kind of example to my children...Life is hard enough, without mom's input....so, I've learned to jst turn the tables on her...It drives her crazy!! lol....Everytime i see her, n i mean...everytime...she starts our visit off by insulting my appearance within the first 30 sec...I decided to make a game out of her negativity n judgements...I use humor at every turn....n, it works...I refuse to let my mother bring me to "that place", n i make sure n let her kno that...I dont get into any arguments with her....i jst use humor n look for ways to diffuse her nastiness.
I came to realize, years ago....i don't need mom's approval anymore about anything i choose to do with my life or my childrens lives...I dont "give her permission" to spew her opinions, becuz i let her know, right away, that i'm not interested in hearing it...I, recently told her, that, as my mother, she should be supporting n encouraging me, being that i am raising a family of my own. I told her that she had no right nor invitation, to try to make me feel "hopeless.".Wen she starts in with her "dialogue", i jst find something else to talk about, laugh at her ridiculousness, or diffuse it...but i will not allow her to poison my heart, anymore...
Here's the bottom line of our mothers "opinions"....They're like ass-holes.....everybody has one!!!!!! Learn to understand that u r not ur mothers daughters in everything u do n say...U r ur own person, n be proud of that...Moms can play some real head trips on their "daughters"....but, im jst too tired to do it, anymore...I love my mother so much, but we r 2 very different people..I look at it this way,....jst becuz we r the daughters....doesnt mean we cant teach r mother's something...by example...Dont let her get to u...life is short, n we cannot "change" r mothers, but we may b able to help them soften a bit...It's a fight we cannot win...n if mom steps into the ring, without an opponent....Who Wins????..Hang in there....i know wat ur going thru...but u dont have to take any of it....so dont.. Much respect to u
It sounds like we are all in the same boat. I joked with my oldest daughter one day (after we spent a good amount of time venting about my mother...haha) and said "all I know is that if I ever get that bad..." and she stopped me dead in my tracks and said "OH YOU'RE GOING INTO A HOME!" and we both burst out laughing. It's just so frustrating though - I'm trying to build up my kids/grandkids, and she's tearing them down and to be honest, I don't think she even realizes it. I am torn between ignoring it or calling her on it so (maybe) she realizes what she's doing. I don't know...
me down. Before Alzheimer's, if she said look at the large woman eating a burger and fries, how disgusting!! I would respond, you're right mom, all overweight people have no MEDICAL problems that would cause them to be overweight so how dare she enjoy a burger and fries!! She would shut up. She never said anything about overweight men...go figure!! Just hang in there, some of the attitudes of our parents are a result of the era they grew up in and it seems to a common thing with many parents who are in their 80's. Not all of them but quite a few. Self esteem is probably a big part of why they do this. My son teases me saying if you become like grandma....Shady Pines Ma, Shady Pines, (the rest home on the tv series Golden Girls)!!! You can't change your mother...but you can change how you respond to her. Jessie, I love the hear aid defense, awesome!!
We recently - FINALLY - got a healthcare professional (her primary care physician) to tell us that , YES, there IS something WRONG with your MIL and he said it was anger/rage issues and I WAS HER PRIMARY TARGET. Actually, I am her ONLY target. She is sweet as pie to everyone else. The doctor said she does NOT have dementia - that a demented person does not have the control over herself and how she treats others the way my MIL does. She can be nasty to us 1 minute and as soon as the doctor or someone else enters the room, she is instantaneously Miss Sweetheart. He said a demented person does not do this. That it is her anger and rage that she cannot control - her way of dealing with it is to PROJECT it onto me.
After some very upsetting and unsettling things she said and did recently, I left for two weeks (with hubby's blessing - he would have left too, but had to work) and stayed with family in AZ for a while and there was absolutely nothing there to remind me of my MIL. My nerves were shot.
I have been dealing with this hateful person (who, by the way, is ONLY hateful to ME) for several years. NO ONE saw it or heard it except me. I don't think anyone even believed what she was doing. She denies it completely to this day! But, in the last year, she has not been able to 'contain' herself totally and has let her hateful remarks slip out in front of my hubby. BIG MISTAKE.
He now knows for sure (I know he believed me) that his mother is being unfair to me and he won't tolerate it any longer. Since we cannot move her OUT of our home (she does have her own private apt. built onto our home and her own entrance/exits) we have 'separated' from her. He explained how things would be to her before I came back home. I have heard her telling someone on the phone that she is 'waiting for it all to blow over' and 'waiting for me to GET OVER IT.' She hasn't a clue.
My hubby is the 'go-between.' For a short while, I was no longer her care giver - until Medicare cuts caught up with her. So, now, I do my care giving from a distance. I do NOT spend any one on one time with her. I still monitor her meds, make doctor appointments (but friends meet her there and go in/out with her for her foot doctor appts and hubby takes her to her other appts now) and she rides the Senior van when possible. I don't drive her any more.
I still send meals over and make sure she has groceries and frozen foods that are easy to prepare. Thankfully, she can bathe herself and dress herself, etc. I clean her apt. when she leaves to go to the doctor. She can always tell when I clean because I will hear her say 'the place smells like bleach.' She never says, 'OH, how nice, Oldcodger2 cleaned my apt. for me today' :0( She cannot acknowledge any kindness I do for her. Because ME cleaning her apt. is like telling her she can't. So, it just cause her more anger. But, she really CAN'T do thorough cleaning. She does keep the place picked up - but I clean every 2-3 weeks.
She blames this separation on ME. My hubby told her - 'mom, you brought this on yourself. It is your attitude. If you treated anyone else the way you treat her - NO ONE would eveyr stop by or call you. She just said 'I have to defend myself' and my husband said 'against WHAT???!!!' It is just the strangest thing we have ever dealt with.
We have blocked the doors leading into our part of the house - so I no longer receive surprise visits. She comes over once in a while for a meal with my husband and I IF WE INVITE HER. Otherwise, we are just neighbors.
My blood pressure is still higher than it should be - it was in the 120's/60's while in AZ. It's about 20-30 points higher here. But my doctor said I don't have a BP problem - I have a MIL problem. So, we are doing what we must to preserve peace and my sanity. You do begin to doubt yourself when dealing with someone like this. I do pity her. I won't say I have never gotten angry with her - mostly after she has pushed all my buttons. But I have been kinder to her than she ever was to me.
I probably should get counseling so that I can continue to be her care giver on a more personal level - but right now I just don't want to. So, I may be just as bad off as she is. The difference is that I still think of her and I do kind things for her and she never has a kind word for me to anyone and vilifies me at every opportunity. For this reason, I stay away from her. She does not deserve me.
Thankfully, her minister knows what's up with her and does not take her hateful remarks about me to heart. He has known my hubby and I for what and who we are for over 25 years. He knows that we do not do the kinds of things she says we do or for the REASONS she claims. But, it is hurtful to know that she does this behind our back - and mostly her aggression is towards me. Even though we have told her WHY the situation will never be the way it was before - we even have a half hour recording of us trying to 'reason' with her and help her understand 'what she said that hurt me to much - she adamantly refused to accept any responsibility or make any apology that anyone could construe as sincere and got up and went into her apt. and slammed the door.
End of discussion. So, things are a bit better. I can actually go for a few hours at a time and not think of her.
There is a great deal of arrogance with Mom and she is paying the piper now. I have nothing to do with her, long story.
However, there is one thing you said I must comment on. You said your mother was not abusive. I disagree, your lack of self esteem speaks volumes. It took me a long time to see what both of my parents did to me. I realized it is our job to nurture our children and help them be able to go out and fight their battles. Not to tear them down to satify our own egos. Think about it. I am not saying you should be where I am, goodness no. But look at the reality and the effect it had on you.
We are wounded by words as if they were blows and many times it goes unrecognized, Take care
Madge, I agree with you on 2 counts - I think purplesushi's mother is abusive - it is called emotional abuse. Constant negativity and pointing out people's flaws (real or perceived) is abusive, and I agree, judy has nothing to apologise for. I am glad you got some of that out, judy
purplesushi - that it is abusive is evidenced by your lowered self esteem. You may find that you cannot keep your mum in your home because of too much negative effect on you and your family. Your kids/grandkids don't need it, any more than you did or do right now. It is draining. My mother has borderline personality disorder and is narcissistic, and I would never take her into my home. You may want to look up constant negativity, narcissism and personality disorders on the internet. Narcissists do what they can to get attention, so you correcting your mum is probably filling that need for her. It won't make her change. She wants a reaction - positive or negative. If you google "daughtersofnarcissisticmothers" you will find a site of that name, and may find some useful information. Mine is the champion of backhanded compliments, as you described above, and also sees things in black or white, no shades of grey. She sees physical flaws, and other flaws in people too, and doesn't hesitate to point them out, but never sees them in herself. If I were you I would run for the hills - metaphorically speaking - meaning put as much emotional distance between you and her as you can. How long do you think you will be able to care for her in your home, and survive as a healthy person and have a healthy family atmosphere? People with her problems are toxic to spend much time with. Have you considered other arrangements for her care? My solution has been to not take my mother into my home. No one is obliged to, and especially an abusive parent The aim is to "be humane but prevent further harm to yourself." (From psychologist Pauline Boss) I am 75 and she is 100, so it would be too much for me in many ways, but I would never had even when I was younger because of the emotional abuse. Mother is well looked after in an ALF, (though she complains all the time) and I am the phone contact for the hospital, her doctor etc. At one point, Mother liked to go "shopping" with me or my sister, implying that she wanted to buy us something, then direct us to try on this or that, and make negative comments. That didn't last too long. After one more negative comment about how I dressed myself, I asked her if she thought I didn't dress well. (I have compliments from others as to how I dress). Her answer was that she was just trying to be helpful, and that my sister appreciated her comments. My answer was that I didn't find it helpful, and neither did my sister. It didn't happen again, and we went on no more "shopping" trips. I find being honest is the best thing I can do for myself -and maybe for her, though I am not trying to change her. When she says that so and so is fat, I answer that I don't care to make comments on her appearance, and that she is a very nice person - or whatever.
Wishing you well. Let us know how it is going, You are certainly not alone! ((((((hugs))))
You will never change your mother, but arm yourself against the abuse. I hope you can still have a relationship with your Mom. I do not have one now, it was my only option. I finally stood up for myself and narcissistic people will not tolerate that......ever. Good luck
Speaking of this subject though...my mother was transferred back to the hospital from the SNF last week - she has a colon infection & is weak. When I went to visit her yesterday, The Price is Right was on. She said "Every single person they have called up there to play today is overweight - and I mean HUGE!" I looked at the TV for a minute and I said "umm - Mom - it's a pregnancy special...they're expecting a baby, for goodness sake!" (((shaking my head)))
I would love to get out more. In fact, I would love to get out to another city. :)