I am a 54yo man caring for my 84 year old mother - moved her in 3 years ago. She is a wonderful and kind person -- not abusive or angry -- she instead tends towards depression -- and -- every year that passes I become more aware of how much I am giving up. I am afraid that by the time she passes, I will have nothing left physically or emotionally to build my own life. I just have no energy left over for proactively engaging in my now life anymore. I am treading water with my business (self-employed) and am actually grateful I have no kids, because there is barely any energy left for me. A big part of the issue is that I am still living in a community I would have left years ago except for her being here. My preference would be to live much further north (USA) where the climate would not be good for her at all. I also love traveling and feel most at home in a much bigger city, and having her with me in a city would be intolerable. I feel I am on the edge of burnout. I have access to good friends and counselors, and, I'm beginning to feel a sense of hopelessness that really scares me. Thanks for your insights.
I still work, I do it for my own sanity, and it is like a mini vacation every day. It's about the only time they are not on my mind. And I am around a building of super nice people from all walks of life. It's so nice to laugh once in awhile :)
My Dad had mentioned to me that I should retire to help them more.... I asked my Dad if he had retired to care for his parents.... he said *no*, and he never asked me that question me again.
I had to go to therapy to deal with this stress, even though my parents aren't under my roof, nor I under their roof. I was still their extension to the outside world, thus a lot of driving them here and there. My doctor told me that my parents had made their choice to remain in their large house, therefore my parents need to own up to the responsibly that comes with owning such a home.... and I remind them of their *choice* any time they ask to go somewhere.... "gee, Mom & Dad, if you had moved to Ashby Ponds retirement community they have free transportation to the stores and doctor offices". Or if Dad says he's bored... "gee, Dad, if you had moved to Ashby Ponds you could be enjoying the indoor swimming pool or the workshop or dining at one of their restaurants or go out for a nice walk, but you and Mom made the choice to keep living in this house". By the way, I had to cut my driving by 90% as the panic attacks became too great.
Gosh, I should be Christmas shopping, but the spirit of the holidays left a couple of years ago :(
I devoted 8 years of my life traveling back and forth across the country to care for my parents when emergencies came up, and finally 2 years ago,had them both move in with my husband and me. My father passed away one year ago, and since then I have been responsible for my mom's total care.
I am 68, and my husband retired a year ago. I want some time to spend with him traveling and enjoying whatever time we have left. I feel guilty for wanting to get my mom out of our house, but I am beginning to feel resentful and angry, and I don't want to feel that way about my dear mom so I think the time has come to find a place of her own for her.
Do not let your business slip away unless you can afford to support yourself without it,
It may be time to call in a caregiver so that you can have time to do your work if it is necessary for you to have to live and keep the roof over your head.
I was burnt out after many years of caregiving ,but in a different situation, for several family members who lived in the state but not in my home.
I over did everything for them, reduced my work hours ( I have a small business_) was there for every need, dr appt. purchasing equipment, emotional support, food preparation, coordinating of care on and on...
the end result was that I ended up with health issues, major ones...
If you can, keep your strength and health. Get someone in there now to help you. Get a housekeeper to clean your home, and get out with your friends
at least once a week.
When my caregiving was no longer needed, I was the one who was ill and now am having difficulty "getting my life back".
Ps I live up north in CT, close to NY..the winters are beautiful and brutal...BRUTAL..and heating costs are exhorbitant.. and the
property taxes are ridiculous. In a town right next to us the mill rate is 40%.
New York and New Jersey are the only states with higher property taxes.
Look into it before you move..most of us up here at retirement are moving south!
Now I am paying the price... I have a medical condition that requires surgery and who knows how long I will be recouping. Now, if I had paid attention and went to my OWN doctors, this medical issue could have been caught a lot sooner and chances are I wouldn't need the surgery.
Of course, my Dad says "but who will drive us?" and "oh, when can you schedule an eye doctor appointment for us?"..... time to bang my head against the wall, now where did I put that helmet.
Believe me, I am going to milk this time off to the tenth degree.
Please do not give up. Get information and take your Dr.s advice on stress medication. It has really helped me. I thought my life was over, since I am sure my Aunt is going to live till 110 and by that time I'll be over 90 myself.
I have no new ideas to add here because all of the suggestions have been so great. I just want to say that I feel this situation and have witnessed it. Tallman, you have to get a life for yourself in all of this--right where you are or put your mom in a NH or whatever. Please, please take the suggestions that have been made here. Get help, get the right meds for your mom and for you, take time for the business, take time for you!!!!!!!!!!!
Big hug!
As her dementia and physical disabilities became more severe, one of her doctors pulled me aside and told me that I could not take care of her by myself any more. I was on Lexapro just to handle the stress of working full time and taking care of mom and the house and my husband. That doctor saved my sanity.
I placed my mother in the best assisted living facility in our local area. It was hard, but it lifted a huge burden off my shoulders. For two and a half years, I was still running medications and supplies to her. But I started to put myself back together. Six months ago, mother was placed in Hospice Comfort Care. I am totally free to be me again! I have been off Lexapro for six months and have never felt better. I retire in two weeks, and my husband and my daughters have their wife/mother back.
Lesson learned: One person cannot provide the care for an elderly dementia patient 24/7 by themselves. At first I felt guilty for breaking the promise, but then again who would have thought that mother would live to 97 and live with me for 26 years.
Future: No plans to move in with any of my daughters. Husband and I will pick out a nice facility when I do not want to clean house or do yard work anymore.
Suggestion for you: Take charge of your life.
I can certainly relate to what you describe. I am almost in the exact same situation, except I'm living with both of my parents and I am the DPOA for a cousin with dementia and lots of medical issues, who's in a Memory Care unit.
Sometimes it seems like there is no way out. I am also self employed. The financial strain is huge. I will relate what I have found.
If you can get your mom interested or involved in some other outside interests if possible. Can she attend church or activities at a senior center? If they have friends they can chat with on the phone every day, it makes them happier and gives them a reason to look forward to things. That helps.
Can you arrange for someone from a church or civic group to come and visit her once a week? Even though you care, I think it helps them to know that others are thinking of them too.
Can you get involved with your mom's medical care. I have googled things and taken my ideas to my mom's doctor and he agreed. He told her that I really was on top of things! She may resent it a little, but she knows I care and that makes her feel good. This can boost her confidence.
Try to get out yourself. Make plans with your own friends. Try to look up some friends from years ago and see if you can get together for a beer or coffee. Sometimes when we talk to others our age, only then do we realize how much worse offers have it. Many are undergoing cancer treatments or divorces. I have it rough, but not as rough as some do.
Right now I'm trying to locate a support group for the family members of caregivers. They meet during the day, so I have to make arrangements for that since I normally work during the day.
And come here for support. There are some very wise and caring people on this site. I have learned so much.