I am a 54yo man caring for my 84 year old mother - moved her in 3 years ago. She is a wonderful and kind person -- not abusive or angry -- she instead tends towards depression -- and -- every year that passes I become more aware of how much I am giving up. I am afraid that by the time she passes, I will have nothing left physically or emotionally to build my own life. I just have no energy left over for proactively engaging in my now life anymore. I am treading water with my business (self-employed) and am actually grateful I have no kids, because there is barely any energy left for me. A big part of the issue is that I am still living in a community I would have left years ago except for her being here. My preference would be to live much further north (USA) where the climate would not be good for her at all. I also love traveling and feel most at home in a much bigger city, and having her with me in a city would be intolerable. I feel I am on the edge of burnout. I have access to good friends and counselors, and, I'm beginning to feel a sense of hopelessness that really scares me. Thanks for your insights.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/obligation-providing-detailed-expense-documentation-175091.htm
Is there any way that you could use some of your mother's money to hire some caregivers to come in during the day and give you a break?
What does your husband feel and think about all of this?
Please find some ways to take care of yourself otherwise you may well sink into a hole that you may not emerge from on several different levels.
Caring for him is not a one person job. Oh for the days when family was all around and he might even have been in a room in a big family house. But these days, it is me, the oldest girl, 67, unmarried and no kids, who is trying to do everything. We can get a little help through the VA or private pay - can't afford round the clock - but that is just a drop in the bucket as there is so much to his care. Appointments, drs orders, prescriptions, shopping, cooking, cleaning, getting supplies, handling all mail and correspondence, finances, special needs such as wound treatments, thickened liquids for dysphasia, catheter problems when they crop up, urine bag drainage, helping to dress, bathe, shave, transport to drs and just to get out, exercises advised by the physical therapists. Phone calls, house maintainance, snow shoveling and yardwork, All personal care - bowel movements in the middle of the night, and all his little wants and needs that happen all day long. It is quite endless. I have no time at all for myself really. Can't watch a show all the way through, can't read a book except in little segments, too tired at night to take do these things and take care of my own personal care and business - have to work it in whenever I can which is not often. Still have my apt in Tucson and friend is there helping with costs, but wonder if I am crazy for keeping it. Probably.
He was hospitalized 6 times in the last year - bleeding ulcers, severe anemia, 4 or 5 pneumonias sometimes along with the other things, and now a total hip replacement with special rules about that. He is home but I am wondering how long I can really do this and what to do about it.
He is a veteran - I am going to explore what they can offer. I did get him into their health system and into the veterans Aid and Attendance program but his income is just that little tad too high and they did not even seem to look at all of his many medical expenses. Waiting for an explanation on that - 3 months now.
I think he needs some kind of nursing home - VA or otherwise. I will be investigating that as I get time to - very hard under the circumstances.
I go from feeling like I am doing a great thing and good job, to feeling sorry for myself and resentful as at his age he mostly just has needs like a child and is not very aware of mine. I do feel like I have lost my life, but so far I can put up with it as I think this is so important. But I don't know how long I can do that. He is smart and kind - no dimentia - and loves all of us "kids" and grandkids, but very OCD, very stubborn and set in his ways and it is quite hard to deal with on a daily basis with all the little things that have to be just so. It has worked for him though - he lives simply and carefully and it has worked for him. I can't really say the same. Love him dearly, but looking for a future plan that will keep him going, but will also let me also have my own life back.
I am more motivated now when I hear the stories of some that have gone on for years this way. Thanks!
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I haven't had a bath in 5 years, because all there is is a walk-in shower. I like baths, not showers. I feel like I'm a resident in someone else's nursing home.
Funny thing is that whenever she wants me to do something in the house, she'll tell me that it is my house. Whenever she doesn't want me to do something, it is her house. Most of the time it is her house and her everything. There's no me at all here except the rabbits.
My sister, who lives 5 minutes away, is too busy living her life to take my mom to any doctor appointments, prepare her any meals, do her laundry, etc., etc. Her answer when I ask for more help is to put mom in a nursing home. My mom has absolutely no dementia, and was in nursing homes for physical therapy where she claims she was physically abused by staff. Needless to say, she has no intention of every returning to a nursing home. I have times when I feel better, but often feel trapped and hopeless. I do get it.
Lots of love pbfloyd....keep posting!
At the same time, when someone is very clear about being miserable, it s not unrealistic to ask about the possibility for change. Change is very hard--especially changing our minds. But many of us become "stuck" in a bad situation because we can't find the right push to get our minds changed.
This board is full of people who claim to be miserable and stuck. I stick by my point, it is time for gentle pushes in the form of suggestions and questions.
pbfloyd, my situation isn't like yours but I do go through some of what you're talking about. I'm glad you have the two days and hope that those days help you get through this. I am also self-employed and I find that I really do have to get out for my own mental health, because I really am here with mom too much.
But we also have limited resources. I'm trying to find more things that I could do from home that would be fun and/or relaxing for me. It's hard, though. Reading is tough because Mom always seems to need something and I make it through few pages. Sometimes, I can hide from her for a bit. I like jigsaw puzzles and she actually likes helping me do those. But it's still hard to find the right things.
You sound very depressed and truly on the edge. It pains me to think of your situation. You need to get help. Can anyone from your church help you out a bit? Maybe just for a few hours a week? I feel your pain and frustration and will keep you in my prayers.
You wrote: Couldn't bring myself to move her in to nursing home.
Again, have said it elsewhere, I have to say, why not? What is so terrible about these places? She will get her meds and food and be safe. You can visit. True, it is not ideal but is the current situation ideal? We need to make decisions that are best for ALL, not just one.
and antidepressant. So for now I should be ok until I get a referral. Thanks for the prayers and good thoughts