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Over ten years with the last 5 in great decline. Dad died and it almost killed mom in the process with the constant care. Began to drive me a little nuts. Now it's been 3 years without him and the decline is steady and rapid. Home is not an option. My crap family doesn't help , nor truly realize the severity of my situation. I have two sisters and one brother who are oblivious and living carefree while my sanity is tested daily, hourly.
Not a question. Just venting.
Thank you.

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I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I know you're venting and not asking, but when you say home is not an option, do you mean your mum going back to her home, or placing your mum in a home?

The reason I ask is that you need to develop boundaries to protect your mental health. I have suffered with chronic depression since I was a child, along with CPTSD. Since I found out the harm this causes the brain and how that can contribute to dementia, I have been even more proactive in protecting myself.

One of the things I have done is to establish boundaries, so that I am not as affected by things out of my control (others' behaviour, etc.) and I do everything I can to reduce stressors in my life.

My mum is currently in hospital, struggling to breathe due to COPD. The doctor has told me there's a possibility that Mum may have to be discharged to a care home, if she cannot maintain her sats at an acceptable level, as oxygen cannot be used in her home due to cigarette use (Mum has forgotten she's a smoker, but her husband still lights up constantly).

Just a couple of months ago, I would have been stressed and going downhill into depression at this news. Now, I understand that it's out of my control and that I'm not responsible for fixing this. If Mum has to go into a care home against her and her husband's wishes, there's nothing I can do.

It's not my fault that my mum insisted on continuing to smoke, even after her stroke, or that her husband won't go out to the balcony to smoke. Their decisions have led to this situation, not mine.

I was briefly upset that I could no longer enjoy shared experiences with Mum, such as the Music for Memory singalong group - I loved to see her come to life - but I've corrected my thinking and am now glad that I ever got to have that time with Mum.

Please do whatever you can to protect your mental health. Your life and wellbeing are as important as your mum's.
Don't hold on to past ways of thinking (such as you would never place your mum in care) if those thoughts and beliefs are no longer serving you.

Build boundaries to protect yourself.
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YaYa79 Aug 2, 2024
Excellent, insightful advice.
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I'm so sorry, you're mom is old , that's just the fact. Not to sound rude, but it's you I'm worried about.

You need to find a balance, you need to take back your life before this effects your health.

I understand what family does and more what they DON'T do . You need a balance you need to have a life. And forget your family, they will or they won't help.

Like the serenity prayer. Accept the things you can not change and change the things you can!

You can't change your siblings, you can't change the fact that your moms aging.

You can change how much you do, you can change that you need to take care of yourself.

Best of luck. Vent away anytime
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AlvaDeer Aug 2, 2024
I love your answer.
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I'm so sorry. It's hard. Wishing you a few peaceful moments in the midst of the storm.
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I don't know if you are dealing with clinical or situational depression. I have familiarity with both. And they are different. I only hope you are trying hard to take good care of yourself. You can't change others but YOU deserve help dealing with the realities in your life. I know you didn't ask for advice; I just want to send you support and the hope that you will find some way to take care of yourself.
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