My situation is this: We have a "family compound" out in the country. My husband and I have one house; my daughter, her husband and my grandchildren have another; and we built a "tiny house" for my mom and dad to live in when mom's Alzheimer's made it impossible for dad to handle her alone.
Back when it became plain that I was going to take on the role of caregiver for my parents, I had a family meeting with my husband and daughter and told them I had no intention of putting my parents into a nursing home because of the nightmare stories that keep coming out about the conditions there. I asked my husband and daughter, repeatedly, if they were all right with my parents moving out here, and outlined everything I could think of that this might entail. They were all supportive of the decision, so the decision was made and the move accomplished.
Mom died 9 months after we moved her out here. Dad is nearly 89, has congestive heart failure, diabetes, and his kidneys are failing. He still lives here and, as far I can see ahead, will live here until/unless I can no longer care for him. He doesn't really need all that much active care...he can feed himself, keeps his house himself, dresses himself, etc., so it's not all that much of a problem, as far as I'm concerned. I take him to bingo twice a week, to the store once a week, to doctor's visits, and out to eat periodically. I make sure my husband and I have occasionally "date days" or "date nights" or extended vacations just to have time alone, and while we're away, my daughter holds down the fort. In exchange, I occasionally "babysit" my grandchildren (both teenagers) while my daughter and her husband take off for a few days.
My difficulty is this...my husband seems to be no longer okay with the fact that dad is here. He's acting like a spoiled brat, in my opinion. My dad is lonely, of course, now that mom is gone and he is no longer living in a place where he is surrounded by friends, so he comes up to our house occasionally to talk. Sometimes my husband is barely civil to him, and if I can see that, I'm sure dad can as well. I spend so much time as a "referee" between my husband and my father, just trying to avoid an open conflict and subsequent breech.
I am ENRAGED that my husband is, in my opinion, going back on his declaration that it is okay that my dad is here. Yes, I could find a facility for dad, but does my husband imagine for one second that I would forgive him for being such a jackass that I had to move dad into a facility?? Does he really think that everything will be rosy after dad is gone, with me remembering how my husband treated him? Again, dad is 89 and not in great health, so it isn't like he'll be here forever, and I make a definite point of spending time with my husband without dad being around, so in my opinion he really has no just cause for complaint.
It's hard enough being a caregiver for dad, but without the support of my husband, it's becoming nearly impossible. Ironically enough, my husband has had two surgeries in the past year that necessitated my being HIS caregiver as well, but apparently that didn't make him any more empathetic to my situation.
Suggestions and support would be most welcome.
Your husband may be an introvert. I’m an introvert too, and hate it when people come by my home unannounced! Of course I’ll let them in and I’m happy to see them. Just interrupts my day. I like my mother-in-law, but wouldn’t be happy with her just stopping in. But... I would expect more drop-ins if we had a living situation like you have. So your husband not expecting father to come around often is unrealistic.
When you were caregiving after your husband’s surgeries, those were temporary. Taking care of an aged parent isn’t temporary. That may be why he’s unsympathetic; he truly doesn’t know how draining it can be.
avoid recriminations, accusations, and anger. Just talk about why his feelings have evolved into open hostility and how that is making you feel.
You both need to be open about your feelings, and understanding of the point of view.
You cannot solve this by just going along like like you are or by pointing fingers.
It it sounds like you have a great family and good situation over all, just need to iron out this.
On the surface your husband is indeed behaving like a horse’s patootie.
Have you discussed this with him? That you are feeling trapped between two of the most important people in your life? And here at the end of your dad’s life when he is vulnerable and lonely you feel you are being asked to abandon him! I can certainly understand how you feel.
But let’s do some trouble shooting.
Did DH have anesthesia when he had his health problems? Does he have longevity in his family? Has he been diagnosed with diabetes or heart problemS or hypertension that put him on maintenance meds? Is he managing his own health care? Is he having to use pain meds? Does he need pain meds now and isn’t taking them?
On the surface it sounds like your DH is burned out or perhaps jealous of your dad.
At any rate his feelings have changed and he may be as surprised as you are about them.
So besides his health, what else has changed?
You said you knew dad was lonely since mom died. Maybe you could drill down on that abit. Perhaps you could arrange for dad to have a companion to drive him out to lunch a few times a week or come over and play cards with him.
Did dad have to come over when DH was recuperating and got into a new habit?
Is he on the teenagers radar? Could the grands spend a little time with your dad or your husband? What about SIL? Could he or your daughter show a bit more attention to DH or your dad?
Have the other family members noticed DH new behavior?
Your mom has left a void that your family feels. Things are out of balance since she died. How long ago was that by the way?
You are trying to fill that
void and perhaps your DH misses your focus and energy. I read what you said about the dates. So good that you have those bases covered but spend a moment to reflect on all the changes since your mom passed.
Even though people make commitments, the one thing we can count on is change. We know life events will happen. We don’t always know how we will feel when that happens.
i guess what I’m saying is that your mom has died but your husband hasn’t.
You feel responsible to take up the slack. To keep your family working together it might be time for all of you to have a family meeting and discuss how your mom’s passing has affected the family compound and what you collectively can do to work things out.
Your husband sounds like he needs help right now that won’t be solved by your dad being placed in a home. If you continue to be placed between your loved ones, it will erode your health and won’t help them.
Thats just my two cents. Maybe there is something in this long ramble that will give you another perspective to consider.
I'm not saying he's handling it correctly, but I can totally see where he is coming from. He's probably introverted and needs alone time. Having someone else in the house when you need to re-charge is incredibly stressful.
I'm projecting -- your husband may have totally different reasons for being upset.
If you value your marriage, you're going to need to calmly discuss this and figure out what needs to change, then make a plan to get there. Maybe your father needs to call first, and limit the number of visits. Maybe you need to visit your father in his house more often. Maybe you need to hire some help if it's too much for you to manage both households.
Good luck and I hope you're able to find a solution.
Good luck! This is a trying situation, but could be a real growth opportunity. Unfortunately, it does seem up to you to break the impasse, but it might pay some real dividends.
Just a thought!
Your husband evidently does feel differently about your father's presence from how he felt originally, when he was no doubt genuinely supportive. What has changed, and what can be done about it now, is what you need to investigate. It isn't necessarily something that he can help; and if he can't help it, and you continue to ignore it and/or criticise him for it, he certainly will have just cause for complaint.
I should start by making one firm assumption, anyway: that your husband is not intentionally setting out to be selfish or spiteful. For some reason he can't cope with your father's being around, and I hope the reason(s) will turn out to be solvable.
No no one on this forum knows exactly how you feel, so take these posts with a grain of salt.
Your husband has reached a point that he wants what's left of your lives to be able to do something together and enjoy each other's company etc. not to babysit your father for the foreseeable future until he himself and you are too old to be able to do anything. i.e. he does not want to give his life for the benefit of your father - and I totally 100% agree with him. You sound to have a much better relationship with your father than your husband (purely from your post - and these are easily read in a different way from the intended). There is a limit to how long one may be willing to support a partners parent irrespective of how willing you were to start with - thinking you know what it will be like is not the same as doing it.
• Why is he acting this way?
• How would your lives change if your father didn’t live there?
• Does he remember being okay with the living arrangement initially?
You can’t let this hostility linger because when you’re father is gone, the resentment you have towards your husband won’t be.
in this case, it was after my mom moved in.
We too discussed her living with us, and were in agreement about caring for her.
Fast forward a year later and we’re discussing divorce.
It’s been hard, and we’ve struggled before with our relationship. But this has pushed us over the edge.
Know that you are not alone with this. My hear goes out to you.
Find her a new address. It isn't fair that people say all or nothing, he gave it a year, it needs to change for all of you. It can't possibly be comfortable living with your daughter knowing you are destroying her marriage and if it doesn't phase her, even worse.
It just sickens me when people will choose their parents over their spouse, you did promise to forsake all others for him.
These “worse” times are worse for you than for him.
It doesn’t make you any stronger when he is tugging on you in a different direction.
There are are few times in life when we really get to be a Super Hero for a while. You have been a super hero to your parents—also to your siblings (I hope they appreciate you), also to your daughter (you rescued her grandparents).
I realize that your husband was extremely generous in accepting your parents moving to your compound in the first place. Your daughter is sharing her youth with them. She also has the opportunity to grow from this and to cherish all of the good times.
Now you will see whether your husband and daughter are willing to “kick it up a notch.” They also
can be super heroes, not just to your dad (who also happens to be their father-in-law, and grandfather), but, especially to You! Can’t your husband see that this is an opportunity for him to shine and earn your everlasting love and devotion? He’s already come so far.
These are things you need to ask yourself. If your husband and father do not have a good relationship, and never have, he might feel a certain type of way by him just evading his space.
Just my thoughts....
I think “ nursing homes” have come a long , long way. They now have independent ( ie an apartment in a complex where housekeeping and food are provided ) or assisted living( usually meds added and maybe some help dressing etc as needed) are nothing like nursing homes. The assisted living my mom is in is beautiful, clean, no one drooling or slumped over in a chair in the hall. The huge benefit imo is a safe environment plus activities galore . Church, bingo, movies, puzzles, ice cream socials, gardening, “ road trips” for a day, you name it , they do it. Newer studies have proven being mentally and physically active helps enormously. I would visit some in your area . It may be the solution you need.
Don't be too hard on your husband. It’s difficult having someone living in your home, sometimes you just need some personal space. It would bug me having someone show up any time they wanted , no matter how much I loved them. I need some down time, with just my immediate family, not even my adult kids. Could be your husband may be similar.
Personally -- remember you only have one mum and pop. For all eternity. Husbands are a dime a dozen, and they are only useful for finances. I hope this helps. If my husband made me choose between him or my mom he would be out the door and I'd get divorced and pick me up another husband in no time who has some finances. If you think I'm kidding..I'm quite serious. Men are easy to get.
My husband knows I married him for his money..I'm not ashamed of it.
It became clear to you but it wasn't clear to your husband. If you have siblings, your husband may have expected them to step up and care for their parents.
You didn't really give your husband and daughter much of a choice. Instead, you **told** them you weren't going to put your parents in a nursing home. I suspect that they both felt a bit bulldozed by you but wanted to make you happy and acquiesced.
You know as well as I do that most nursing homes today are much better than what they used to be. Here's a discussion about modern nursing homes:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/nursing-homes-change-over-time-138791.htm
Your husband may feel that he has no privacy, that he always has to be ready for you or your dad to want to talk, and that his life has been taken over by caregiving for your father. Occasional dates are not cutting it for your husband.
You're obviously angry at your husband. It seems like you think he has no right to feel the way he does. He himself endured two life-altering surgeries. Rather than acknowledge that those surgeries may have changed your husband's wishes for the future, you wanted them to make him more sympathetic toward you.
I know from personal experience that, during particularly long and intense stretches of my husband caring for his dad that I felt lonely and alone. My husband was preoccupied with "everything dad" and he was worn out.
Is it possible that you also are worn out? That no matter how much you do for your dad that he always seems to need more? Is it possible that your husband sees something that you don't? If you love your husband you owe it to him to work through this.
Caregiving must work for everyone involved.