My 78 year old mother lives with me and my daughter half the year. She can be quite controlling, but she's widowed and has suffered from shingles this year so I've done my best to help take care of her. She doesn't like it when people suggest she do things so that's been quite challenging. A few days ago, we got into a fight because she undermined me in front of my daughter, who I had gotten after for not doing something I'd asked her repeatedly to do. I'm a single mom. My mom went into my 5-year-old's room and helped her with the task in dispute and my daughter later came out to say she and Granny "were going to let me have time to cool down." I found this incredibly disrespectful and after my daughter went to bed, I told my mom that. I asked that in the future, if she didn't agree with my parenting, she talk to me about it privately. She said she was sorry I was upset but she felt it was appropriate to help my daughter and she did it knowing I would get mad and she didn't care. The conversation didn't improve and I gave up and went upstairs. Now, for the past two days she has been giving me the silent treatment.
I'm at a loss what to do. I don't think I asked her to do anything more than respect my decisions as a parent, but she refused. And how she's trying to punish me in my own home. She's used the silent treatment on me and other family members in the past.
Is it wrong to consider asking her to go home to her house, which is several states away? I'm wondering if there are other things I can do to try to alleviate the pressure in the house. Thank you.
Your young daughter is the priority.
Frankly with the beaten I have taken and the lesson I have been learning in this year alone- buy her the plane ticket and tell her Mom, your fight number is #___ leaving at ____ (within 48 or less). She will be floored, angry, furious and you will get every nasty thing thrown at you, but you let her know, I will not fight with you, But if you are that angry I will get someone to drop you at the air port- Or I will take you, your choice. FORCE! its the only way you will ever have your words mean a dam thing. There are no limits with some parents for various reasons, but your not a kid anymore, your are responsible for you, and your baby girl. All your daughter is learning is that you can be a victim IN YOUR OWN HOME to anybody and people can over rule you and you just go on up stairs.
Wait til your daughter is 15! and then tells YOU how it will be! Thats what you are setting in motion here.
BTW you'll get trashed big time to the rest of the family, just know when it gets back to you what an impact it made in her universe that she spends time on the subject.
Over the years, as an only child I got my emotions crushed, by decades of orders and venom- I learned the hard way...your younger than me ( my kids are in their 30's) Im begging you dont waste the years I wasted. I terminate calls when she gets nasty, and refuse the calls for a few days. When she leaves a pleasant message, I return the call. I do the same dam thing when at her home, as soon as she starts tearing at my throat, my kids, my husband, everything I dont DO for her...I tell her lets change the subject or tell me what you need OR I am leaving. Next nasty sentence, Im out the door, as she has been warned. It has change me, my world, I am happy and now somehow it is who I am now being her daughter. And the up side, it makes her nutz! I will respect her because of her title and age of 91, but I will not be beaten to an emotional pulp one more time. Stand your ground. Its not easy, but its is worth it. Good Luck.
In the future, you could just ask your Mother:
"It is time to clean g-daughters room". "Mom, do you want to go in and help her?"
Actually, this lesson shows the futility of her helping and undermining. She will always be expected to help by g-daughter.....a lesson that needs to be unlearned.
So, good single Mom, you are doing great so far.!
Think about how you cope while mother isn’t with you. Perhaps it’s actually easier.
The tactful way to put this across might be that you don't need so much help now that your daughter is at school (and weaned!).
I know your mom might have overstepped, but, I'd let things settle and try to talk it out. She can't sulk forever. It's your call, but, I'd consider the big picture, before making any final decisions.
No, it is not wrong to send her home. She is only seventy eight and she appears capable of surviving on her own.
Your mother's silent treatment, as well as the undermining, is a sign of a personality disorder.
You might want to research narcissistic personality disorder.
If your mother has this disorder, she will never change and things will only get worse.
Can your mother qualify for assisted living?
Maybe, you over reacted? She came there to help YOU five years ago, right? I can see the exact thing happening with any five year old and her grandma trying to calm an angry mom.
Why did you take such offense? Of course, the five year old told you what she said. I think you did need a time out.
No wonder she’s had shingles, girl get a grip. Calm already. You will live to deal with much bigger issues. I don’t see power struggle I hear typical overworked single mom.
Believe me, I know how hard it is to deal with someone who undermines u and my daughter wasn't even her granddaughter at the time. (DH adopted her later) MIL would offer my daughter junk just before dinner. I would nicely say no, MIL would ignore me, no a little louder, ignored. Third time NoLOUDER (including MILs name) then she heard. All my DH heard was the 3rd no and wondered why I hollared at his Mom. She was a passive agressive personality.
Maybe be blunt before the next visit. Sometimes this is the only way to get thru to people. Mom would love a visit but can only be over the holidays. Now Gdaughter is older, involved with school and activities and me working and taking her to these activities just won't have as much time with you. Not fair to have you in a house by urself most of the day. But, daughter will have a holiday vacation so you can bond while I am at work.
How long does the sub-zero act usually last? And how is it usually overcome?
I so feel for you. My Dad didn't usually buy cards, just signed them at most, but one birthday I got a card addressed and written entirely in his handwriting, just my mother's signature added. The picture on the front was of a lady holding a baseball bat as her children sat at the kitchen table; and the caption was "Dot always gave the children a choice at dinner-time - fish fingers* or unimaginable violence." He'd obviously thought this hilarious.
The thing is. When you are already sore about one thing, e.g. a defiant five year old, then no matter how good the intentions of the person trying in his/her way to help, if they cross that fine line into undermining interference... SMH.
I suppose unimaginable violence towards your mother is out of the question?
* I gather these are known in the US as fish sticks, but that fish sticks are even cheaper fare.
Thanks for your thoughtful response. My mom isn't going to change. I just either need to find a better way of dealing with her and/or find a tactful way to make sure she spends less time in my home in the future.
I've started contacting therapists to see if I can get an appointment because I think I need professional help in coping with all this. I don't seem to be doing a great job on my own.
Ah, you are a softy.
Everyone knows the consequences of not speaking to you would be to not go to the craft fair. At any age.
Recommended: Respect is taken, not given.
Think: Rewards for good behavior.
You aren't going to change her. She enjoying being a grandma and enlisting her grandbaby as a co-conspirator.
i would suggest that for her next visit, you cut the visit to 2 months. You don’t need help being a mother any more. Your kiddo is five and probably already in school. Time to go it alone. If Mom wants a getaway, send her on a trip to Vegas.
Your daughter is taking advantage of grandma's presence to not do what you tell her, this understandably is amping you up.
On the other hand, out of the mouth of babes: Daughter did tell you what grandma said. Can this be an act of loyalty towards you on her part? Hugs and a teaching moment.
Check yourself....are you coming across as a shrew? Too hard on your daughter?
Grandma is controlling, and you know too well what that feels like. You already know that you cannot control your own mother! A power struggle ensues, and she will win, having years more experience than you, her own daughter. You could take those moments to relate what Mother did and said to you in each of those circumstances. "Wasn't it great that grandma helped you clean your room? I remember her giving me the silent treatment when I was your age."
If you find the lunatic fringe is escalating at home, take your own daughter out for a treat, some alone time. Detach from power struggles. Protect your own sanity, take yourself out alone for some alone time. Make a joke out of "giving myself some time out to cool down", be back later.
As far as sending your Mom home in lieu of having her undermine you, I vote for you to take counseling in how to deal with subterfuge in your home. Kinda practice for when your daughter becomes a teenager. Yes, you are a good Mom!
If you weren't, you would not have noticed the dynamics going on. But be sure to send your Mom back where she belongs when her 1/2 year visit is up.
Can you tolerate the silent treatment? Hope so, don't let her control you.
Sorry this is going on. It is so easy for grandmas to criticize.
I think everyone is right in that I've been dealing with my mom for a long time and it's unrealistic to expect her to change. I need to figure out better ways of coping with her, including the idea of shortening her visits. I don't deal well with the silent treatment and I've just been ignoring it and trying to act as normal as possible. (For example, I still took her to a craft fair she wanted to go to on Sat. even thought she wasn't talking to me.) Thanks again to everyone for your responses. It makes me feel better to know I'm not alone.
I agree, your house your rules. I would have been mad too if my Mom had done this. Now your daughter thinks all she has to do is go to Grandma when she doesn't like what you say. Your Mom was wrong. Enjoy the silent treatment and don't apologize out of guilt.
What kind of things are you telling her she should be doing? Maybe instead of telling more like suggesting. Remember too, she is an adult and can do what she wants when it comes to her personally.
Maybe after the holidays it maybe a good to send her home. Or suggest she find an independent living or AL nearby. Selling her home to help with the cost. If she is controlling, leaving with her longterm is not a good idea. Your time should go to ur five year old.