Mother is a narcissist and she also has dementia. She is 92 years old. We have had a horrible relationship ever since I was about 12. I am an only child. I moved here simply to help take care of her. She lives in her own home across the street from me I live in a home that she owns and I pay a reduced rate. I don't know what I was thinking when I moved here as our relationship is just as bad as it ever has been if not worse. I had the stupid notion that when I moved here to help her that somehow we could wind up having a good relationship before she died. NOT !!! My mother has been for about the last year accusing me of stealing everything known to mankind from her. I have held my temper and have just taken the abuse. About a month ago she accused me of stealing some prescription medications of hers "from Walmart" Pharmacy no less, AND SHE HIT ME !!!! I lost my temper, and the verbal fight was on !!! Some very ugly things were said. She said she was going to dis-inherit me. She also told me to get out of her house immediately ! Later my step-father came over and he said I didn't need to move, but to stay away from them. So, we haven't spoken since, and frankly I will never speak to her again. I just recenrtly found out that she has dis-inherited me. I was to stand to inherit 1 milion dollars. What do I do here?????? I am a 67 year old divorced woman. When I moved here I was in the process of getting divorced from an abusive husband. I did not get any money out of the divorce. When I moved here I had to use up all of what savings I had. I sincerely don't want to live here any longer and because of what has transpired I will not speak to this woman again. I just don't know what the best thing is for me to do at this point in time.
Thanks for pointing that out; I did take Jeanne's response the wrong way. Sorry, Jeanne!
Davina
I'm so sorry for your very painful situation.
Comments are supposed to be supportive and not label or critique others. My comment above was to let the questioner know that I'm getting out of the same predicament, that she is not alone. In hindsight, I called myself naïve. But your piling on with “How could you be so naïve, Davina” and diagnosing me as living in “extreme hope and fantasy” was inappropriate.
I've been living thousands of miles away from any family for the past 40-some years—on my own for birthdays, holidays, medical and relationship problems and life in general. My mother is at the end of her life and I barely know my siblings and their kids and family friends. I was living in an isolated, backward area of the country and at a crossroads with work and where to live. It made sense to move near my family who live in the most prosperous area of the country and to make one last try at living near my personality-disordered, frail 90-year-old mother.
I'm the only one of three kids who helped her around the house growing up and who helped later with her medical catastrophes; the others only care about themselves. As it turned out, she had a bad fall ten days after I got here and would have recuperated in a nursing home if I hadn’t been here. Not one of her other kids, grand kids, in-laws or friends turned up during her three-month recuperation, and all live a few minutes away. It was just me, and I knew that that that would be my mother’s situation as she ages and dies.
Add to that intense pressure from relatives, my best friends, accountant, attorney, doctor, dentist and society in general to reconnect with this poor old woman. Not having had a crystal ball and been gone for years, it still took about six months to see that she’s crazier and meaner than ever, that this was a mistake. But if I hadn't tried I would have always wondered if I should have. (And if I hadn't tried, everyone and their dog would have called me heartless and cruel.)
So there were good reasons for doing what I did. It's not working out, but life is a series of mistakes and corrections. You critiqued my comment without knowing my situation, with the clarity of my hindsight and from behind the safety of your computer screen.
Criticizing and labeling others isn’t your purpose here. Doing so inhibits others from freely posting their thoughts, so please be careful.
What we owe each other is love and respect. They chose to have children with that goes the responsibility of making sure we are clothed, fed, warm, and loved. We owe the same back. But, as adults working with families we can only do so much without getting stressed out and overwhelmed. I can see someone thinking, maybe I'll give Mom one more chance. You can do that from a distance, feel out the waters. But to give up everything to care for them and then u r stuck when you find out nothing has changed.
I agree, take advantage of the "cheaper" place. I know of people working until 70. One just went back to work p/t at 72. At 67 you can make as much as you want with no penalty from SS. Where I live the Senior housing takes 30% of your monthly income. The electric is set at $58 a month. Comcast charges $10 for internet monthly for low income. The transfer bus comes right up to the front door. Shopping center is a walk or scooter ride away. A Church has services once a month and there r probably activities tho join. Call ur office of Aging for info on what's available. Ours has bussing for appts and shopping.
You need to except you will never have a relationship with Mom. I know it is going to be hard at 67 to find people to hang out with. Senior centers are good for this. Volunteering and Church. Only you can help you. I believe optimism is a great outlook. A negative person brings themself and everyone else down. And, it comes across and people back away.
Good Luck in the next chapter of your life. Come back and tell us what your doing.
My mother held that over our heads all our lives. "I'll disinherit you!" was implied or loudly shouted whenever one of us stepped out of line.....well, the joke was on all of us. When daddy passed and she gave my younger brother the financial stuff to deal with he called me. laughing--"Guess how much our inheritances are?" I didn't know. He said "Sweetie, you couldn't buy a crappy used car. We each get just shy of $10,000". Good grief. That won't change my lifestyle one iota. I guess in 1968 when they bought this life insurance policy---$50K was a lot of money.
No amt of money is worth selling your soul for.
My mother is a narcissist. I was miserable growing up and moved 3,000 miles away the same day I graduated high school. Over the next 43 years I spent about $150,000 visiting regularly; she made one nightmarish visit to me.
In my late 30s counselors suggested that I cut off from her to save my mental health, but I kept trying. By the time I was 44 she was so unbearable that I gave up completely. I was never ever going to see her again but changed my mind when I was 59 and moved back to her city in the hopes of helping her and having a passable relationship for the last few years of her life.
She decided to buy a condo for me to live in and then inherit. But within a few months it became clear that she's more awful than before. The sight of her mean face, her voice and even her handwriting takes me months to get over. She lies, manipulates, is sadistic and selfish.
So here I am living in her property, estranged again and knowing that she could toss me onto the street with my two cats at any time. How could I have been so naive? I'm 61, single and having a hard time finding a decent job. I'm now plotting my escape and hope to be out of here by May 1.
I too was counting on at least a small inheritance but doubt that that will come through. I never did anything to her and have been decent to her, esp as compared to my hopeless siblings, but she has always been jealous of me. No matter how good I am to her she has it in for me.
No amount of money is worth this toxicity. I'll find a way to be okay on my own. I only wish I hadn't given up so much along the way. I would have been in a much better position now if I'd watched out for myself first and hadn't given my youth, money and energy trying to fix a mean, mentally ill mother.
The first step is get into a living situation where we aren't vulnerable to them.
Best to you.
When it came down to it, she had never actually gotten to the lawyer to change her will. Same result, no funds, but it made my husband feel better that she hadn't actually "pulled the trigger".
I spent my childhood watching another part of my family kowtow to a (supposedly rich) Narcissistic and deeply crazy old lady who played folks off against each other and abused everyone. (flushed my aunt's engagement ring down the toilet, just for starts). Everyone played her game; in the end, there was no money.
I learned a real life lesson early on and was taught by my parents that they had every intention of spending every last dime on their care.
Older folks like to leverage inheritance for total control and emotional abuse. Go take care of yourself. I would journal your interactions. When it comes down to it...I would contest the will. The fact is she may not have done the legal work to disinherit you ...it may just be mean dementia talk. Keep us posted on your journey. You have gotten good advice here.
1) Find a job to help me save up, and move away from the situation.
2) Look for a new home and new job out of town.
3) Apply for food stamps, and asistance in what ever capacity is available.
4) Write a letter to your mother (one you will never mail) and say exactly how you feel. Then burn the letter. It won't change anything except your attitude! It will also free you of anger. (and I know I'd have some anger if it happened to me!)
5) Just know you deserve better than the cards you were dealt.
So what did you get for your effort? Well, you got rent at a discount. That's worth something, I suppose. Especially at a time when your domestic arrangements needed changing. Chalk it up to a bad bargain, and move on.
Learning that you've "lost" a million dollars is another tough blow. As others have said, the chances are good that you would not have seen that much in any case. But if you've been counting on that as your retirement plan, this is a big shock.
What now? Find a new place to live, for starters. Would going back to your old city be an option? Consider applying for subsidized senior housing. If all you have is SS it is really tough to support yourself completely. Have you ever worked? What workplace skills do you have? With a part time job and subsidized housing you may get by just fine. Not as fine financially as having $1,000,000, but not in abject poverty, and not beholden to an abuser.
Again, I am so sorry that your hope of reconciliation didn't work out. Not your fault.
Let us know how this progresses for you. It is a more common situation than you would guess, and we learn from each other.
What would you do if, hypothetically, your mother didn't exist and your home belonged to somebody else who had given you notice to quit?
Do that. It's as close as you can get to rewinding to the point where you disastrously allowed yourself to believe that your relationship with your mother would be somehow magically different and spent your savings moving to be near her.
I'm sorry this has all gone so wrong for you. But starting afresh is the only way. Leave your mother behind and rebuild.
Since she's no longer going to be part of your life, what do YOU want to do? Move? Find a job where you are and save up to move? Will she attempt to evict you from the house she owns? If so, start looking for somewhere else to live.
Contact agencies that can help - something like Forgotten Harvest for food, state, county or city agencies that can direct you to interim funding while you refocus your life.
Check librairies; in our area some of them maintain lists of open jobs. Look for ones that want seniors; the pay might not be great but it's a stepping stone back into the working world and will give you experience for an updated resume.
Were you working before you moved to care for your mother? If so, do you have a pension? Are you getting SS? This should help out for awhile. You might also have to explore getting into subsidized housing.
And think of the one of the positive aspects: you know now that you're being disinherited and so can move on with YOUR life. It would be a lot worse if she lived another 5 - 10 years and you had to refocus then.
My husband's grandma chose to move to senior living and then was in nursing home care from age 75 (independent) to 99 1/2 (Nursing Home) - she spent a couple of million from sale of farm land for care. My husband's parents and their siblings inherited very little - but they all had agreed that grandma's assets were for her care.
I'm just pointing this out because it sounds like you were counting on inheriting 1Million - nope - it will go fast for long term care for your mom and her husband.
Take care of yourself and get away.