Background, mother has been this way since I was a child. Both parents were EXTREMELY controlling, possessive (dysfunctional family). Through it all, I love her but my heavens.
Fast-forward, my mother is mid 70's (I'm late 40's). Her health has been rocky for 5 years. After 16 years of asking her, she shocked us & decided to stay for months out of the blue as we always drove to her. Inconvenient w/ teens - several states away. I'm happy she has finally come w/out there being a medical problem (first time). Her routine is literally, sleep late, breakfast & watch TV. I cook most days and dinner is ready at 5, she eats & more TV until literally it's time to go to bed. Must force baths. Many refusals.
Teen kids & I try to involve her, watch family shows upstairs (4 steps). She chooses shows that are not appropriate for teens or the 1000th court shows. The same occurs in her house when we visit.
I live in a duplex. The level she is on has a bath, kitchen, small den & bedroom- that is the extent of her living. When we eat, she watches us intently & makes comments about HOW we are eating, how much, how often. She'll stare you up and down when you walk in and judge w/ facial expressions. This has always been the case but it's to the point where the kids don't want to be around her. Then she acts confused when they're limiting time with her. She can be EXTREMELY kind in one instance but if the attention shifts. Wow.
We ask her to go for car rides, show her around, go outside when the weather was better, game night, nothing. This has occurred FOR YEARS even when her physical health was better. Since retirement, she has chosen to be house bound even before my dad passed away over a decade ago & was very hyper-focused on my dad and his every move before he died. It shifted to me...She will get extremely TIGHT when we do anything beyond school or grocery shopping. If I take them to the gym (for our mental health), it's 20 questions, to the mall, a school function, let them hang with friends, it's TIGHT behavior w/ 20 questions & a bit of sulking. Her smiles transition into tight faces, then ignoring. Rinse. Repeat.
She's used to living alone. She plays loud music, FB on her phone & watching TV all day & then gets upset about the internet being slow b/c she's sharing it with 3 people. I've asked her to come upstairs & have set it up so she's close to the window to change her scenery. I think she's come up to sit 8X (max 30 min each) in 2 months except she snoops when we leave & then complains to let us know about our bedrooms.
Tonight, I told her I'd be taking the kids to the mall tomorrow (they're on break) for a few hours to meet friends at the mall. I work from home, so I have flexibility for the kids. It was 20 questions about why they need to go AGAIN & what will I do, and what time will I be back.
Midnight, I often knock on the door to tell her the TV and phone music is too loud. Bought Bluetooth buds & headphones so she can play her music loud after 10pm. Says they're bothersome. She is TIGHT that I ask her to lower it due to the neighbors. Everything is a slow irritating boil UNLESS she gets her way or I'M watching HER shows but if I'm doing family stuff upstairs, she gets TIGHT, refuses to join us. We ask her to join us. The negativity is creating a wedge between my daughters & her.
My household & relationship w/ my daughters are VERY different than how it was with her & my father. Our household is open, fun, loving, hectic and we freely show affection. She smirks when we hug or constantly say we love each or act silly w/ each other. They're teens. Do you know how lucky I am? :) She wrinkles her face. We gray rock it until it's murky!
FYI she also wants me to come back & live with her once my kids graduate high school (they're juniors- twins). I deplore the idea of it. Our mental health is important. This is overwhelming. I've suggested counseling & depression w/ her doctor. She was IRATE and refuses.
Fraying.
So the current plan is that your mother is staying 'til summer, yes?
And when will your children both be safely launched and away at college?
The reason I ask is that you have some big questions to think about first, and then discuss with your mother. Before you do the latter, I recommend that you have a VERY clear idea of what you will need as you embark on your own new life as an empty nester. Hint: being bound day in day out to a person whose personality is the polar opposite of your own ain't it.
I've had the talk with her about her failing health, needing help and living in a state where there are no relatives. My parents chose that state as they were loners who stayed (states away) away from family. I said, if you don't want to live alone, I've asked her through most of this time to please consider living with me, even part time to get acclimated, instead of me hitting the road (15 hours one way with twins in tow if I'm not buying flights) to go back and forth several times a year, especially since her health started failing. Last year alone, she was in the hospital for 2.5 months total. Each time, we have to drop everything to go to her. There's no family in that state.
I'm not sure what me asking her to live with me and my kids to help her has to do with her request to move to her house after I've made it clear of my intentions. I gave up asking years ago but the kids still would ask her from time to time. Regardless, in the last five years, I've reiterated that I will continue to be close to my kids in this state, as this is the state they will be going to college, and I like the state/location I'm in. Knowing this, she still does passive aggressive techniques to try or get family members to guilt me into moving there after they graduate.
This is why I am surprised.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, sounds like you and the kids are closed-in, constantly doing things to please your mom, but in return she is not giving you all the space you need too.
There are generational differences too, some things that might not have been normal when your mom was growing up, is now considered more than normal. This could be reason for the staring and looking on judgmentally.
Your mom is mid-70's and in good health. I think if you can introduce some people of her age into the mix, she might be distracted and change her ways, loosen up. Maybe there's a group she can join or a group that meet at the house.
Right now it seems like the initially intension to invite your mother was nice, but the reality has sunk in and your time and space have been completely taken up by doing things around her. I think you need to get people of your mom's age involved more, this could be a slowly open up more time for you and the kids.
Keep using this forum for support, but try to get people of your mom's own age involved and see how this works out. Maybe they'll invite her out, go to group events and so forth. Initially make the venue your own home so your mom, that does not go out can meet with them at home.
Wishing you less stressful times in the future and more relaxing times, to make your home the fun place you liked again.
Can she buy into a CCRC near you? You can then visit once a week at most and assist with her increasing health needs as you see fit.
I would suggest therapy for you to deal with the damage done by growing up with a parent with a personality disorder.
She doesn't have the ability (nor the desire) to change. So your attitude towards her needs to.
Mother: (getting angry, nothing new) So you don't want me here. Fine, I'll leave.
You: I'll help you pack.
Your kids will thank you. You will thank yourself for protecting your family from her toxicity and negativity.
Women like our mothers DO NOT get 'counseling' or even admit to 'depression' which is a 'failure' on their part which is 'IMPOSSIBLE'. Their ego prevents such an admittance, which makes everyone else's life insufferable. #Truth. My mother's favorite saying was, "It's a great life if you don't weaken." Huge eyeroll. Humans are ALL weak; it's admitting such weakness that MAKES us human! Except our mothers cannot do such a thing, and point the fingers outward instead of inward. You do not live with such people; you deal with them on YOUR terms and from afar, one day at a time and in SMALL doses.
Good luck taking your lives and your mental health back.
Anyhow, I have made the decision to simply start preparing and move onto with the next chapter of my life away from her home. I will simply travel like I always have but she will either need to hire someone to be there weekly or she can move into an adult residence near me and the girls. Her attitude sucks the life out of me and it's so triggering. All the years, I thought it was out of my system as far as how my childhood was and emotions came flooding back with her about how toxic and controlling she was. I have stories for days, unfortunately. I simply cannot go back to this no matter how much I care for her.
I would not say anything about not moving now. I would allow Mom to go home and then tell her. If you do it now, you may not get her out of your house and I really don't think you want her living by. Once your twins are in college, she is going to want you at her beck and call. Easier to have boundries when living 15hrs apart. When she returns home, you tell her firmly, "Mom, I am not moving back to ______. (Don't call it home) I have not lived there for ___ yrs. Where I live now is my home and my childrens home. Their colleges are nearby so I will see them often. This is where we have made our lives. I am not moving." I would not say anything about her moving near you because she will never be happy. Too set in her ways and its her home. Those relatives, tell them the same thing and then say u need to move back, "I will no longer discuss this from this day on" When they start, tell them its not under discussion anymore, try to change the subject, if they won't then hang up.
This is a time for your teens to learn how to deal with someone like their grandmother. Time to teach them that its not their responsibility to try and make someone with this personality happy. That you don't need to bend over backwards for them and that its OK to have boundries. What do you do when you ask your teens if they want to go with you shopping and they say no. You say OK see you later right? Why does it have to be any different with Mom. She says no, then its OK and out the door u go. You can give her a time you will be coming back or say not sure how long you will be so see you when I see you. When she gives you the 3rd degree, you just say, sorry I ran into a friend. Sorry, but I gave you no specific time. 6 months is a long time for someone to visit. She needs to realize that with kids also goes responsibility to be their for them. Tell her she chose to come visit. That your children and their needs come first. That the next 2 yrs of school is the most important. They have sports, proms, everything that goes into being in high school and you are going to be a part of that. She can chose to go to their things or stay home alone. She needs to see what it would be like living with or near you. She needs to see u have a life and you are not giving it up to be there for her 24/7. And you should not be. I am 73, my DH 75. We are in good health and expect nothing from our girls. STAY WHERE UR
You say she "wants to come back". Did I miss it? Has she left? Because in my sit com she is not leaving. The show is nothing without her.
Seriously, you tickled me. I wish you ALL the best.
Take a deep breath and have the talk. It won't be fun and she'll be mad but you won't be any worse off than you are now. And when she leaves you will be much better off.
My mother was a controlling witholder. Not so much now, with the dementia since she can't hang on to her thoughts/anger for more than 10 seconds, but I sincerely sympathize. Clearly any attention is good attention in your mom's mind, and she'll continue to act like an ass and bulldoze through your family's emotions in order to upset your peace and draw attention to herself. You have the right to have guests act considerately, and she needs to toe the line or leave. Do your girl's a solid and send mom back home sooner rather than later. Her behavior's awful and she shouldn't get a pass just because she's family. She sounds lke some kind of malevolent cloud hanging over your house.