How to deal with "no" dad?
I have full medical and financial POA. My father has lived like a zombie for 3 years, doing and saying next to nothing in his recliner. He can still walk and only has occasional incontinence. He has bad cataracts and glaucoma. I finally got him to doctors, took his vehicle keys, hired people to clean him (he hadn't used soap or shampoo in 3 years and only changed clothes when he pooped in them), and confirmed a diagnosis of frontotemporal dementia presentation but most likely atypical frontal Alzheimer's. The house is 39 years old and falling apart. I'm getting estimates for some repairs. He shows no interest in getting involved with that. I've been doing all his mail and finances for more than two years because he wouldn't. One thing I haven't done is try to be the one (not him) to pull money from his IRA and deposit in to checking. His cleaning care is about $1000 a month, and that will go up when I need someone there more often (when he starts falling, becomes more incontinent, etc.). A bathroom renovation is likely to be over $20,000 (first estimate was $40,000 if you can believe that). The bathroom is covered in mold, leaking shower, holes in the floor and walls, etc. I want to make it safe for him (elevated toilet, grab bars, shower seat, etc). My brother, who married and moved out 19 years ago, thinks spending any of my father's money is horrible, that it must be saved (most likely so he and his wife from h*ll can inherit half of it). So, my question is this. When I have estimators in, my father asks nothing but last time, he did ask "How much?" I didn't tell him because his brain is still 30 years back so any amount is too much. How do I hide/lie to him and get money from his IRA without him knowing and not feel like a criminal? They will write a check out to him. What do I tell him? What do I tell my brother so he doesn't hate me? I am 100% alone. My father replies to most questions (after I ask them multiple times) with "no" like a toddler. In fact, when I stated someone was going to clean him Tuesday, I didn't even ask a question, and he said "no!" But, he soon forgets.
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Putting that aside, as your father's financial agent you have a duty to make wise financial decisions, ensuring that there is proper maintenance of the house would be part of that, and any renovations to make the home safer and more accessible for him would be the responsible thing to do as his medical proxy.
I know it's hard not to feel hurt and in the wrong when you're criticised by people it's your habit to defer to, but those times are past. You are in the driving seat now, and for very good reasons. Trust yourself. Hugs.
I also don't tell my mother what things cost. Her prices are back in the 1980's and she would freak out if she knew what I was spending.
You should weigh the benefits of fixing the place up against how long you can realistically expect him to be able to live there. I did a $16K renovation on my mother's bathroom to make it fully handicapped accessible with the belief that she would be using it for many years. So far, to years in, I have no regrets. It has paid for itself many times over. But, would I have done it if I thought she would not be able to live somewhat independently much longer,...no
My advice would be different if your father wouldn't be there much longer and there were no heirs interested in the house. Houses often do have large maintenance costs, particularly old houses, so the money needs to be spent to maintain them.
The problem with costly renovations is that your father would have to live in the home a very long time to make them cost-effective for him. For him, not you. Those considerations need to be examined and weighed, by someone more capable of being objective than you are.
"I moved to this house in 1977 at the age of 4 when my parents had it built. I want to die there. I've endured a lifetime of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse from my parents just so I could stay there."
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