How do I deal with negativity of my aging parents?

Hello, I am new here, Is this still a current chat? today is 9/11/2017. I am reaching out and reading these posts to desperately try to regain a shred of myself back. I to have a mom like you all have a described. It gives me some comfort to read that I am not alone. My mom is a piece of work!! She is the master of spinning the conversation to a negative slam. She will talk about "somebody else" and I just know the message and or sarcasm is directed toward me or something I am not doing right or that she is not living here. She lives alone in a small home about 25 minutes away..and believe me I hear about it every day!!!. I am married with no kids..my husband and I have been dealing with her for 25 years..my dad passed away a few years ago and the negativity double, she retired and it tripled. Now with her alone with health problems I go there every week and do everything from take her to Dr. appt to grocerys to everything in between. I am a great and caring daughter I do everything from taking her on trips, calls daily, gifts, holidays are fun, hubby cooks special dinners, respect, I'm nice and passive type B no confrontational personality so is my husband... we have been so good to her. Thing is it is not enough.!!!!!.she lets me know that with low blows in a very coy and slick sarcastic way..she is a genius at that..its a art form to her..like a cobra she ...strikes at the jugular at that perfect moment to prove a point...ask her " How are you today?" at your own risk! She does still drive, she comes out here to my house about 8 times a year and every holiday for 5 days at a time..at that point my husband and I become her captive audience to her negative attacks..she strikes while sitting on my sofa with the news on 24/7 and don't dare touch that remote!! All while she is glaring at your every move...you grab a beer its " really another beer" if your cooking its " did you put salt in that"" I don't care fore the taste of that last thing you made" I call her every day and for 2 hours I hear everything about her bad childhood, her loud neighbor, how nobody cares and it is all my fault is how the tone is. I say so mom what are you having for dinner?..she says..well if I can manage I will warm up some soup, see when you live alone like I do you don't have a purpose to cook" " All I got here is my like dog, thank god for her" to " other cultures revere their elders" to when the chips are down you really see peoples true colors" ( yet she didn't take her mom in when she was sick). My husband cant take it here..I don't think my marriage and sanity would survive if she was here..The guilt of a NH is to much. I want to hide. Well hang in there everybody..all I can say is take it day by day..my life is on hold but I try to enjoy the little things..member the less you tell you moms the better..It gives her less ammo to attack you with your own words. I love her I really do but I wish she had 1 friend or hobby besides me. If your wear guilt on your sleeve like I do your vulnerable. If you can let it go the impossible task that you are to keep her happy the better you will be. good luck and Thank you all for letting me get this off my chest.

I am taking care both of my parents. I'm now living  with them with my husband and my daughter. My two other ones are in college now. Taking care both of my parents is the hardest thing to do. I taught I am able to be comfortable with them but somehow. They are two miserable people, complains about everything don't know how to talk and blames me for every little thing I do in their house. They are both not happy because I married my husband. They don't treat him nicely they hate my husband and most of all they are not good grandparents for my three kids. They just think money is what we are after from them. Which is not true. Both my husband and  I are professional make decent money but yet my parents are judging us because they think we have nothing like the young couples that have everything. They keep comparing me to their friends that have kids that got married to wealthy or more successful husbands. They are the type of parents that are very judgmental and so negative that it is not healthy for me to be around them. They both drained me out mentally and physically. So our decision is instead of staying with my parents thinking I can help them. We decided that we are gonna live to go bk to have our own home and not to be surrounded with my parents who is always negative about everything. They have a depressing life which all they do is stay in their room after we eat. They don't go out at all. They don't wanna do anything all they do is stay in their room watch tv 24/7. Then if they see me and my family they start judging and talk negatively about us which is their  daily life. 

Thank you all for your comments....I'm crying as I read them because it is spot on to my situation. I'm thinking that there needs to be a support group where you share the stories every week & recognize that none of this is new or unusual. Is there an online group for this?

I started walking 4 miles a day. It's helping, but sometimes not enough. I am trying to not respond very much at all any more...it's sad that our conversations are like this now, but nothing you say is right anyways, so I figure why bother. I think the response- a big hug & I love you is a good idea. I think I will try that next.

Mother-daughter relationships are complex. Feeling guilty about the negative thoughts you have towards her is normal. But the strength to keep going every day to take care of their needs is what is more important. Ultimately, nothing last forever...change is the constant, so I think writing/talking about it - sharing with others it the only way to deal. What did people do before the internet? They must have been much tougher stock! ;-) Thank you all!

Im soo with EVERYONE HERE.. I seem to never do right in my mothers eyes, there is always a dig.. SHE IS NEVER EVER HAPPY.. i am an only child and she has forced away all of her family (sisters, brothers etc) I live with my parents since I KNOW they cant take care of themselves. I have started to see a therapist to help me thru all of this.. I dont want to be mean etc but most of the time, SHE makes it very hard not to. I have no real life right now, due to their health issues. I do and do and its just never good enough.. I have looked into assisted living but they cant afford it.. Iam at my wits ends most days anymore. I just have no more happiness

my mother also can be negative but I think I am fortunate in that since her mind is starting to slip, she's gotten nicer. Weird huh? I was fortunate, about ten years ago, she caught me just right with one of her jabs about my weight and I didn't speak to her or visit for a little over a year. Since then she's been a lot more respectful to me. (I think she took me for granted, that I would always be there for her to punch) and I have had a much better outlook on our relationship. More accepting of how she is. My sister is at the point I was when I made my break but I am not sure she has a year to work it out.

I deal with it by accepting my mother has always been mentally ill, it runs in our family, and that she can't help how she is. It's hard to accept that I will never have the mom I wanted; but I am finding that I can love the mom I have. I can't hold things against her that she truly doesn't remember ever doing and it would be cruel to bring them up. Letting go of the resentment and anger is good for both of us. Moving her in next month and sincerely hoping that I can store up some good memories. She's ready, I think, for someone else to be responsible.

My mother is the queen of negativity and poor pity me. The only way I could deal with her toxic behavior is to limit my exposure to her. I do what I have to do and nothing more. She literally drained me of emotional energy from her constant whining and complaining. I think she finally realizes I am done tolerating her self pity, she rarely complains to me and our contact via phone or my visits have lessened considerably.

As long as you feel obligated to help, that negativity is going to be hard to escape. Even when you do your best to "tune them out." See what you can do to expand their support network, so that you won't have to expose yourself so much to people who make you feel less-than; even when you bend over backwards for them.

Labbydog, I have a lot of the same issues. Luckily my sister and I share the responsibility (and misery). My mom is 98. She has been blessed by God with amazing good health. She has no need of any medication! She is mobile, no cane, no walker, no need for oxygen, and she never gets sick. She lives in an independent living senior community for the past six years. She has NEVER stopped complaining about it, about us taking away the car, doesn't like the food, talks about people, doesn't even bother to learn the names of people she sees every day. Woe to the family visitor she can get alone and start in on the complaining. She now has increasing dementia, not surprising at her age. I understand that as a person ages they become more and more self centered, but it is hard to take. Unfortunately, this is nothing new as she has been negative her whole life, and now it is ten times worse. Sometimes I have to take a valium before I visit so I don't end up with churning insides after spending a few hours with her. Entering her apartment, we have to steel ourselves for the sad, hound dog look that screams "pity me". My sister gets it worse, its like she is Mom's mommy, every little thing she calls and complains to her. Every phone conversation centers around how she doesn't feel well, which is really nothing more than age slowing her down and some arthritis. Yet, a few hours later, she's fine and doesn't remember that ailment and its on to the next. To make matters worse, she's almost deaf which shuts her out of most conversations and makes her feel alone. She has good hearing aids, so I think she is unable to process much of what she hears and most of the time, doesn't listen - she is too busy thinking about herself. Her friends tell us she is totally in denial of needing any help, refuses to accept aging and blames everything else for any problem she has. I keep telling myself she can't help it, and swear I won't do this to my children. I've decided to write all my wishes down on paper NOW, such as "when I can't clean my house, please do it for me or bring someone in, even if I protest" or "when I am no longer competent to live independently, please move me, despite my protests, just be sure wherever I go the facility is kind and good" and most important "if I am depressed and negative, make sure I get put on medication for depression - I do not want to spend/waste the last years of my life sad and unhappy when there is a way to help me."

I could deal with my father if he had Alzheimer's...but he's just a complete idiot!

Why is it that some of our parent(s) have treated us and treat us like they own us. That we were born into this world to serve them, that they have never set us free nor will they. That the pathology has created a dependency from a very young age. This dependency is all we know and we hold onto them and this.
Now that my mother is dead. I am still in the mist of trying to obtain my inheirtance however she set up my share to be under a trust with a trustee, one of my brother's. Stomach that. I have tried to break the trust until my only daughter said no grandma was justified! Of course as a mother I understand that my daughter is blind. She has stopped talking to me 9 months ago. All of the family dynamics of this very small family have blown up. Me I am in therapy trying to become aware and know myself for the first time in my life. I am a trauma survivor with an ambivalent attachment resulting in a dependency disorder. I do not blame myself but realize that the very small child in me survived the best way I could. Now I am going for healing....I want to be set free before I die. I want my own life. I am so sad that my brothers and daughter cannot even ask me how I am doing, where I am at. Life is sad and very difficult. I have a lot to be thankful for, food, clothing, shelter, and maybe some money. I want my freedom too. I am going to have friends and a life.
So in answer to your question, if you haven't gotten what you want from your parent by now, realize that you will never obtain it from them. It's an inside job. I look back on my own life and wonder what I was doing when I cared about my mother. I wonder if I did not waste so much of my life caring for her, controlled by her, but I cannot change it. I can change now with help, step by step. Be true to yourself. Live here now.

Mrsribit, welcome to the site and how is the weight watcher working for you? My husband cut out all sugar in his diet including the red wine and he has already lost 20 lbs within 5 months. He has went from a size 44 and as of today he wearing 38 yet a little snug. He is having trouble getting anymore off and now trying ride a bike at least once a wk about 8-10miles. any tips feel free let me know.

I am new to this site but I heard about it from the weight watchers website, caregivers group. I have been caring for my mom and dad for about 2 years and in October they moved in with my family. Dad died in April but I care for mom full time. I started weight watchers online in late April and had great success but was really excited to find the caregivers group. There are groups for most needs. I think you should investigate it. It has been really therapeutic. Please take care of yourself no matter what you do.

I understand these feelings, for sure. My mom is 85. She has had a good life. She and my dad were married for over 50 years and she has enough money to have enough help that she can remain at home. I have not had it so easy. I've been divorced most of my life and do not have the kind of financial resources she has and never will. So it is hard to listen to her complain. If I complain about anything she will either say "I wish you could DO something about that!" (as if I don't try or I don't want to change it) or she changes the subject.

I know this is not an easy situation. In fact, it might very well be the one thing that makes caregiving so draining and leaves us feeling utterly defeated and worthless at the end of the day, dispite the love and devotion we provide. It is quite often a thankless job...and we may even be OK with that, but then the constant negativity is almost too much to bare.

I experienced that while caring for both my parents at different times in my life. I now have a dear friend, who is a senior citizen living with us in our home. He too gets very negative. No matter what blessings come our way he sees beyond that to what still needs to get done, or what we haven't yet accomplished or what ailment he still has and on and on. What I do to get through this is look at the complaining as being around me and not to me, through me or about me. I look at him objectively as someone portraying a very predictable behavior. I find that by doing this I can almost anticipate what he is going to say and this gives me the opportunity to keep my "teflon shield" up and it slides right off. I can prepare my come back before he even says a word and at times (though rare) he has even agreed with me a time or two.


This is in now way a true cure/solution, but I'm not becoming more thickskinned and developing that really, really helps. It occured to me that doctors and nurses and others who work with people in distress also deal with such things daily. They can't allow such things to get to them or it means their career. It was then that I decided to not let it get the best of me or I wouldn't even be there to do for my loved ones what they needed....and who was gonna take care of me? I hope this helps at least a little. God bless you for your hard work, patience and love you have for your mother. I pray that she one day realize just how blessed she is to have a daughter like you.

Gee, I thought the mnl would mellow out from her mean streak and now I know that's not going to happen. She has always been bitter-offish yrs ago and I guess I can see why is she going to change now. At least we have some good days with a little bit of smart mouth n self pity attitude. Even the lady from the Aging Agency said that she does very good for her age and with AD.
Sorry cannot help yall on this one.

You are right. They are unhappy. My mom was very mean to me verbally the past two years. Everybody notices it. I did say firmly one day, stop saying mean statements to me.. You don't make those statements to others like that, all she can answer is "your different". I keep comming back because I am her daughter. if she was mean to other people, they didn't have to come back. I had a friend talk to her when she observed her being negative to me. It helps, but doesn't make it completely go away.

Red--sending you a hug and mental escape. As others have said...get help, contact social services and get some help for yourself before someone gets seriously hurt or you end up in jail. I understand the frustration and anger but please take a step away--even if it's just to leave the room until you calm down.

@Redhead--this is a very strange situation you are in. You are trying to do right by him, but he is mentally and physically ill and you are not going to be able to fix this, even if you had the resources to do so. I do not mean to come off callous in my post, as thought I simply can write off a verbally, mentally and (as a child) physically abusive parent with a great deal of ease. I did not come to a decision to back away easily--it has been brewing for years. People who are nice throughout life are usually nice elderly people, and those who were nasty young people only grow nastier and more miserable as they age. I kept waiting for the "mellowing out" but it never happened. In fact, more manipulative and meaner than ever. I can't imagine any one person being able to live the way you are, particularly if you are getting up in years too. Call your local Health and Human Social Services agency and advise them of your situation and see what they might suggest. I wish you luck and blessings. Keep us posted.

Austin, I read somewhere that was not a nice to do and it would probable just scare her more from what ever she fears now. However, sometimes I do feel like saying that to her just to wake her up. Yet, I know partly she will understand n partly she will not. I am trying to understand the childish behavior by education myself and then sometimes like yesterday, just plain forget! Venting....

Maybe she needs to hear about the nursing home-someone had to put my Mom in her place a few weeks ago after one of her meltdowns-why should they get away with childish behavior.

Pumpkin, you can say that line again that, "ole age it not for sissy!" I like the part that you mention about your mom like a 'feral kitty cat.'

Debi, it is hard to hug someone that is not huggable. Especially like Pumpkin mention about familie members that comes from abusive background and did not receive hugs as well. Count myself in that one. I just try to do things to show my love. I know it not the same and the hugging part we are working on it in our new generation.

N1K2R3, I like your advice and I do try to start everyday with an optimistic-positive attitude. I do try to get away from mnl when she get negativity but that is hard too when she is my shadow. She is only in moderate stage of AD and i know I might have my hands even more fuller than it is now and I need to get it all together.
My worse part of myself is that i always have worried about what other people thought about me. Like the mnl Neice incident yesterday. I couldn't hardly fall asleep for hours late last night for wandering does she think I am mean to the mnl and etc? I know they both walk off talking in the yard and mnl was just complaining. I wanted to tell the mnl if it that bad here then you can go to a nursing home. But, I bit my tongue. I am normally a nice and pleasant giving person yet by end of the day sometimes I am not.

Today, I just took the mop bucket and mopped the walls where the toliet paper is located n yes I did take toilet paper off and I just mopped and bleach the wall to get what look like shit again on wall by toliet paper! Also on toliet handle a litttle. I cannot afford get sick and my stomach was messed up for two days either from germs or my acid reflux. back on Gingerale. I bleach n pine oil the sink, tub,wall and did all the floors while I was at it and just wore myself out! That way, I be too tired to argue with the mnl like a dummy. ; )

Red you have to get away before you hurt him and end up in jail-call social services and explain the problems and tell them you have to get away and he need someone to help and it will not be you-if you have to stay in the house take your cell phone and lock yourself in a room and if he gets crazy call the police even if you have to go to a shelter it will be safer for you-you have already hit him-you need to get away-you have a job so just leave-why let him abuse you any longer. You can call the police from another place and report him crazy-they will have to go see him and will probably admit him to a phych hospital-you are not safe there in that house.

I sympathize with you all - I am a single daughter. I thank god I have my job. It has saved my sanity - I live with my father, who raised me alone. My mother abandoned us when I was little. My father said I was an "accident" - he blamed my mother, said "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" and that I follow him around like a dog at his heels, denied me medical care, clothes, no furniture in the house, no telephone, no friends, slept on an old mattress with no stuffing , dirty slum 4th floor walkup apartment. He has saved all his money, the only thing he values. He never married my mother who was 25 years younger than he, He was a tailor from Europe Tailoring is just seasonal work. He gets only $90 a mo. Social Security. He lays in bed all day - like a dead cow! When I come home - it starts- he demands I give up my job - stay in the house - no TV, have nothing, expect nothing. I get so mad I have to push or strike him. He calls me mean! He refuses any outside assistance although neighbors have sent people. He will not open the door, will not sign up for Medicare because he will not pay or it. Would they take an 83 year old to a mental hospital if I reported him as insane and sign the papers?
Redhead

Wjjlyj, as you can see, many of us deal with this and you are most certainly not alone, even though it feels that way. I am an only child to a three times married/three times divorced dad who is in AL due to paralysis from the waist down among many other things. I am grateful that he doesn't lash out at me anymore; this was helped by the AL as I am have much less day to day responsibilities for his care, but I still go see him 3 times a week, sometimes twice, and handle all of his doctor/health stuff and many other affairs. He has always been depressed even before his legs stopped working and his health declined. He is very resistant to doing anything to regularly help himself so that has not helped his conditions. He is generally negative and he ruminates on his life. It IS hard to be cheerful and positive when you literally feel like this person is sinking, not wanting to even try to swim and you are going down with them. You do so much and try to make their lives better, and when you have good news to report, you are ignored or just reminded of the next project in the works that you have to do. You said that you live nearby, and your parents are not with you 24/7, as is my case. What helps me is to have my sanctuary - my home and my husband. That is where I can feel the life surge back after a tough visit. I also try to remember that one day my dad will no longer be here, and that helps me deal with his negativity too. I told my dad that it is not like I expect fireworks and thanks for what I do - even though he will thank me sometimes - all I ask for is a smile once in a while, even if he has to fake it. Not even every day, maybe once a week to start. Just a smile. After he has finished baring his teeth at me, I can glimpse a smile from happier times.

I'm with selfishsiblings above. If you are not the sole caretaker, and you know her needs are being met by the home in which she lives, then limit yourself your exposure. Your siblings certainly are not having any problem doing so, and you being the dutiful daughter are not going to be appreciated. Instead, in lieu of your other family coming in to visit her, the unloading is going to be done squarely upon YOU. All the anger and frustration your mother is feeling because of the lack of participation by your siblings (even if she is not vocalizing it) is going to be unloaded upon YOU, whatever is wrong in the facility, with her health, etc. is going to be levied upon YOU. Not fair, you don't deserve it. Set certain times to see her, bring her a little special treat to eat, keep it light and airy and change the subject whenever it is going down "Negative Lane." You need to keep up your own sanity and health. Trust me, I am living this RIGHT NOW and have broken the ties. There is no remorse on the side of my mother, she dismissed me from her life and opted for her favorite child to handle her affairs--I say bully for her and thanks for setting me free.

I can relate to this too...my mother is the poster child for negativity. I've been her punching bag for so long...and it hurts. However, I've learned to use humor to deflect some of the comments, I try to say something equally absurd to get her to laugh a bit...lighten it up as much as I can. It's not easy and it will get harder as her health continues to decline. I just try to remember how hard it must be for folks as the age and lose so much: freedom, dignity, health, safety, family, friends, jobs, social, church, etc...
I don't take it personally anymore. I don't try to get her approval anymore. I just love her for her quirks. I see her as a "feral kitty cat" who wants to be loved and sweet, but just doesn't know how. She hisses and spits, sometimes bites and scratches...just like a feral kitty. She has never been warm and fuzzy. She herself was horribly abused as a child and has never learned how to be very loving. But that's her, and I get it. Yes there are times I'd like to run away, change my name and pretend I'm not in this family (almost daily!) ha! But, I try to find the things she can teach me, try to let the nastiness go...just remember...YOU are who you are as a adult because of the parent SHE/HE was... perhaps that will comfort you. I'm so glad I read this post because it reminds me that the elders are a tough bunch. "Old age is not for Sissies!" it's been said. Keep smiling and don't let it get you down. Just recently I joked that the Lord Jesus Christ Himself could bring her chocolate chip cookies...and she would proceed to tell Him the cookies were "too sweet/too soft" or "Not sweet enough/too chewy" That keeps me laughing! I love this web site, it helps me through so much. Hugs to all!

I had a professor in college who said, " All the way to Heaven is heaven."
I am convinced that happy people exude joy and are joyful to be around. The converse is true with unhappy people. If you are happy, and you put forth a positive attitude every day, it may catch on and IT MAY NOT. After that, there's nothing you can do about it. Avoid conversation with her when she goes "negative".

My heart goes out to you because dealing with aging parents is difficult. I came to the realization yesterday that it is not my fault. My dad's negative attitude has everything to do with him and not me. I am the daughter and it is my job to be respectful, compassionate, care for him, take him shopping, call him and make sure he is fed, watered and living in a clean home. But, it is not my job to make him happy. My mom always tried to make us the keepers of their happiness and now that I have given up I feel better. Whenever he starts in on my teenagers, my husband, my yard, my home, my piles of laundry, my weight (30 lbs gained, lost and regained in the last 3 years) I excuse myself for a minute and go wash my hands. I don't know why but the act of washing my hands washes his negative energy from me and I find the courage to go back out and face him. I try to remember that he is not the father I knew in my childhood. He is old, scared and lonely. Take it one day at a time, you are allowed to be angry, sad and overwhelmed. I found that writing in a journal helps, reading the posts on this website helps and drowning my frustration in ice cream helps. I would not recommend the last one but we want you to know that we are here for you in this community supporting you and your parents.

I too am caring for my aging/ill mother. It is not easy and has been a "journey" at best. I have found the only way to "disarm" mother is to walk up to her and give her a great big hug and a heartfelt I LOVE YOU. Try it, it works. She is so shocked everytime I do it that she can't say a word. I feel like she feels unloveable and that is where the negativity comes from..... Good Luck guys. Right there with you!

I have that situation, as well. My father was a saint and passed away 3 years ago. Now I know what he put up with, and I don't know how. My mother is 96, in excellent health, well off financially. Despite that, she moans and complains about every little thing. As a previous poster said, my mother also points out everyone who is fat, ethnic, different from her in any way. I finally twisted her arm enough to get her into an independent/assisted living facility in her own town (I live 2 hours away) 3 months ago, and now all she does is complain about it. Everybody is in walkers, has canes, etc. there's nothing to do there, the van doesn't go enough places, yadda, yadda. I have a sister who lives 45 minutes away and she does nothing, yet my mother makes excuses for her, and abuses me every chance she gets. I visit her about once a month (I also have my own family to take care of!), call her every night. I finally just said to myself, "She is an unhappy person, and has always been that way." It doesn't help to tell her how lucky she is to have her health and her wealth. Some people just thrive in their own misery. When I see her like this, I tell myself, "This is a lesson for me. I will NEVER treat my son this way if I am lucky enough to live to her age." I can empathize with you all. Hang in there, but don't forget to take care of yourselves first.