We are so overwhelmed right now!
My MIL is 73 and had a quad bypass just over 3 weeks ago. The hospital released her to a rehab facility. She has been showing signs of early dementia before her heart attack and surgery yet has not received an "official" diagnosis from a neurologist etc.
She has shown huge increase in confusion and memory issues since the surgery. The doctors warned us ahead of time that this could very well happen so it was not a surprise.
Our dilemma - She has been living independently with an 85 yr old male "friend" with whom she has had a very volatile relationship with for 25 years. He moved in with her 4 years ago after he had 3 stents put in so that she could take care of him. He has his own house 35 miles away and his own vehicles. He pays none of the monthly bills but on occasion will purchase something like a "new" washing machine etc. Right now he has been living in her house and driving her car. He is verbally and mentally abusive to her and has been shown to be physically abusive to her in the past. No amount of logic applied before dementia started would convince her to break off the relationship. She is determined to return to her own home even though it is not a safe environment (she lights her gas stove and walks off, stairs she can no longer manage, expired foods which are WAY to old and nasty for consumption, small spaces difficult to manage her walker, memory causing troubles with her ability to maintain her sternal precautions, her "friend" being an alcoholic abuser, previous history of falling and the list goes on and on....).
We have dealt daily with the temper tantrums about staying in the rehab until the doctor would sign a release and have had to spend nights and days with her there simply because she didn't want to be there and the facility was not a secured environment due to the hospital error in placing her there.
We are submitting for temporary guardianship as I type. My husband is the only sibling of the two who want anything to do with the situation.
The doctors have said that she can no longer drive or live by herself and that she is to remain home-bound for at least another 4 weeks during healing. Even though he knew the doctors had said no car rides, her "friend" took her for a joyride 4 days (11 days after surgery) after she was in the rehab without telling anyone where they were going. During the 5 hours they were gone we filed a welfare check with the police and checked every place we could think of to no avail. She thinks that her "friend" is capable of taking care of her.
She agreed for 4 days straight that she would come and stay with us at least during her healing time of the next 3-5 months. We have spent almost $9k making our home safe and as comfortable as we can for her.
She has now agreed only to stay with us a week...
She refuses to follow the doctors orders on anything that keeps her from doing what SHE wants to do WHEN she wants to do it so using the reasoning of "the doctor says..." is not an option for convincing her to stay longer for her own good. Her entire focus is worry about the "friend" leaving her. She believes that if she goes home then everything will return to "normal". Unfortunately he won't drop out of the picture on his own, seems to believe that she will be "just fine" once she is back home (doing everything for him while he is at the bar all day, most days and of course she is not going to tell him to leave permanently!
Sometimes our loved ones can fool the professionals. Be careful with release orders.
My mother, who lived out-of-state, was hospitalized for a week, apparently having had a minor stroke. All the doctors deemed her capable of being discharged to her own home, no rehab, only visiting nurse follow-ups. She assured them that she had help and lots of friends and would be fine on her own. This was not true at all. She had a few elderly acquaintances but no one who would be able to really help. She's a good talker and convinced them to release her! I spoke by phone with her various doctors and nurses and mom herself during her hospital stay and they all tried to assure me that all was well and that she might just need a little help upon discharge - - I thought maybe Meals on Wheels or a maid service. Fortunately her concerned neighbor called me after her arrival home, in a taxi, and suggested I get up there and see for myself! Mom was not able to care for herself, wasn't taking her prescriptions, wasn't eating well, and definitely should not be driving. Thanks goodness for the neighbor or I might not have known the extent of the problem. It wasn't until we visited her primary care doctor, who knew her well, could see the decline in function, and advised her that she should not be living alone, that she conceded. We moved her to an assisted living facility near us, sold the house, etc.
Don't immediately cut off boyfriend as that will make her harder to deal with - change the lock & oust him as he has no standing because he doesn't help with bills - if he needs to get things out do so with an observer - he'll start backing off himself so he'll be the bad guy
As she has agreed to go to your home either you or hubby has to feign an injury to back/arm/hand [wear a sling or other for show] to explain why she is not immediately coming home with you - because you both have been so willing to get her there, she will believe you - your physio 'is going slow' - if you bring her to your home you will have unseen injuries both physical & mental
I know you may think this is harsh but I'm sure many here would agree they they should have done something like this themselves - it takes guts to make these choices but you can't help her if you get sick yourself from the stress - good luck
DO NOT CUT OFF THE UTILITIES
The law calls that "constructive eviction" and you can be sued for thousand of dollars in compensation. DO NOT DO IT.
Once you have guardianship or POA...follow your state guideline and proceed to notice of termination followed by getting a judge to order eviction if he still remains. Do this the legal way.
As to the topic. If you move her into your home...expect that this whole situation will become much much worse! Are you really prepared to give up sleeping because she will make sure you don't sleep. Are you really able to withstand the constant verbal abuse she will heep on you?
Please...read the other posts here.
This woman will turn your entire lives upside down...
I want to recommend to you that you have her placed in a memory care unit.
For her pleasure and right to pursue her own ideas of happiness, she should go back to her home and take her chances with moldy food and an abusive partner.
Those are the only two choices I see. Notice that "move in with son" is not on this list. She already hates and resents that idea, and she hasn't even come to visit yet. That way lies madness -- for all three of you.
Personally, I would not seek guardianship for this person. But if that is what her son wants, first it will have to be proven that she is mentally incompetent to make decisions for herself. She has not be diagnosed with dementia. Are there doctors who will affirm she is incompetent?
Say Son gets guardianship. That means he can move her in whether she likes it or not. And what will he do the first time she leaves? Having the authority to make decision for others does not make it easier to enforce them.
Discuss this at length with the social worker! It is not a pretty picture from any angle.
I don't know if she owns or rents her home, but what I personally would do is start by getting this man out of the house by getting a restraining order against him. Another thing I personally would do is cut off the utilities if she pays them whether renting or under homeownership. He shouldn't be using for utilities if he's not contributing anything to the household and is just freeloading off of her. This is why I highly recommend cutting off the utilities because this is something I would do. She doesn't need to have utility bills racking up in her name just because someone is using them without her being there and him not contributing. I don't think you necessarily need to alert the utility company if the utilities are very accessible in the utility room of your basement. Then again, maybe it might be a good idea to alert the utility companies, it depends on the situation but definitely get some people involved because it's not right that she should pay for utilities she's not using.
If she rents and utilities are included, you may try contacting her landlord and letting them know what's going on and see if they will help you. Another idea is to also get the APS involved as mentioned here. I would also start moving her stuff out of this unit where she was staying. I would also obtain the keys to her car and have it brought to your house or to some other safe location where he can't get to it. Then, I wouldn't recommend vandalizing the car, but you can go under the hood and simply just disconnect the battery terminals from the battery. These are sometimes held on by slip on terminals or with a couple screws to keep the terminals tight. All you have to do is get a small screwdriver and just loosen the screws if the battery terminal wires require screws to hold them on. This is a safeguard in case this guy comes after her car because then it won't even power on let alone start. Keep the keys on you so he'll never find them if he does come looking for her car. Don't let him into your house either if he finds you. It may go as far as having to get the cops involved, do that if necessary. Report as stolen if he has it without her knowledge or permission, especially if she happens to be mentally incapacitated. She can't really consent to anything if she's severely incapacitated.
It sounds to me like he's taking advantage of her. Sometimes people may even unintentionally take advantage but it seems like from your description he's doing it purposely so he knows what he's doing. Remove all of her valuables from his access and put them in safekeeping because it sounds to me like he's after her valuables such as money and assets. Sometimes people may even unintentionally take advantage but it seems like from your description he's doing it purposely so he knows what he's doing. Remove all of her valuables from his access and put them in safekeeping because it sounds to me like he's after her valuables such as money and assets. One thing to consider though is he may not have had permission to drive the car if he took it without her knowledge. If he has his own home 35 miles away and his own car, what is he doing with her car and what is he doing in her home? The answer is simple because it looks exactly like what's probably going on. I don't know if she recently lost someone close, but this is one thing vultures often use to get close to their targets for personal gain. Whoever becomes her guardian really needs to be very careful and check their own motives first along with their own financial stability. If you have financial stability and don't really need money, you would be a better candidate than someone who lacks money and has poor financial skills. Also do some soul-searching to see why you want guardianship because there are predatory abusive guardians lurking out there.
She definitely needs a guardian from your description, but finding the right one with pure motives who doesn't need money is a bit tricky. I'm starting to look at guardianship in a new light after what I learned through some eye-opening videos. Some people do need guardians, that's true. However, not everyone needs one and those who do need someone that can be trusted. I wouldn't just appoint anyone since not everyone can be trusted. If someone goes for guardianship they should pass a background check for starters and you should know everything about them with back up documentation or proof they are qualified to be your loved one's guardian. Taking conservatorship is a huge risk because it's so easy to cross the line just like it is for POA. I don't know if there's going to be any easy way to ease your loved ones anger issues, she knows she's being ripped out of her home and there's no getting around that, you won't fool her. She's probably smarter than you may realize despite her condition. I don't know how far from you her home is located but if she really wants to stay in her home button that man is going to have to go and you may actually get away with hiring in home health care to come check on her. Meanwhile, lock up all her checkbooks, debit cards, jewelry and anything else of value so that anyone coming in can't steal from her. Assure her you're not stealing either, and explain that you're just locking up and safeguarding her stuff. Have witnesses with you when you do this and also have it on video in case you need to go back on it. It's also a very good idea to lock up all of her meds just to be sure no one will gain access to them with criminal motives. Sometimes gaining access to someone else's meds is a temptation for criminal activity, so lock them up and only dispense what she needs at that time of her dose.
Meaning she cannot take care of herself, meaning she can no longer take care of herself and certainly not anyone else. Her doctors will consider her current domestic companion unacceptable as a caregiver, as he is a threat to her well being i.e. the joyride against medical advice, his own instability and inability to properly take care of himself and certainly not anyone else.
And unless the doctors are unaware of this, they will not release her back to her home. When she complains, shift the blame on the doctors. Her doctors are making a decision in her best interest and (God willing) they will stand by it. They are used to taking the blame among the families and it won't phase them in the least.
'"She thinks that her "friend" is capable of taking care of her.'"
She may think that and voice it for the rest of her life, that doesn't make it true.
As for you, remember to take things one day at a time sweetheart. One day. And sometimes one minute at a time. Don't allow yourself to struggle with the imaginations of what may or may not be looming in the future, it's exhausting at best and counter-productive at worst. God bless.
MIL is in rehab. The doctors who are giving out all this advice can tell it to her, not you. Stay away until they have her mental state and an assessment of her legal competence under control.
Oh, even if she agrees to certain things, she may forget and do the total opposite. That is not uncommon with dementia.