My Dad's moving in with my wife and I soon. How do I handle this?

One more thing. I hope things work out for you and your family. I just wanted you to think about what could happen to your family dynamic. It sounds like your dad is a great guy and so are you. But I had no idea the impact of caring for a parent in your home can have. I had no choice because of medical concerns. I hope your dad never becomes like my mother. She is a narcissist and doesn't care that I have no one should she pass first. My house is empty of love when I used to be so happy with my relatuonshipband my partners two little dogs. My mother even complained because one little dog would visit her by making his way into her room. I would hear my mother complain on the phone to her son and I could not believe it. My partner and I set her up like a queen. My mother would even feign having a headache when my Goddaughter stepped in her room briefly to say hello. I am to blame for putting up with this but again this awful old lady has no one but me.

Chimonger, thank you. Your spot on. You have a lot of good things for me to look at. The Medicare and senior health insurance is something I have to get more versed on. The closer I get to this the more I have questions on if this is right or not. TBH it would be best for him to live on his own but I cannot afford to finance his life style so to speak. If he sta ys where he is he will continue to not eat correctly and continue to eat out every night. His rent is very good for what he has but to get another place he won't be able to afford living on his own. I do relish him moving from family but they are literally dying off. As far as his business he will do handyman work as long as he can, he talked of getting a job at homedepot, he could do window and door sales close by. He needs to work to keep him sharp and busy. I guess I am getting a little second guessing myself. I am not sure what to do at this point. I in apposition of darned if I do darned if I don't. As far as his being here its not a financial hardship for me and his being here won't affect me finically unless we do add on. You brought up a lot of good points on social aspects. Outside of working with my brother that is all he sees him, my brother is a bit of a jerk and keeps to himself. Only if I pressure him he will do something for my dad. If I had the choice I'd keep him there but to stay he has to keep working and he is just plain lonely. Every weekend he has to go somewhere to visit someone as he hates to sit at home. He and my mom did that every weekend anyway. I don't want to be the surrogate for him. I know I can back out but when realitity sets in I know it's what I have to do. To leave him on his own things won't get done, house, physical, medical. I guess I have a lot to think about.

musicelover, I am so sorry your situation ended up the way it did. It is opening my eyes to what I may be in for. I am second guessing this decision, I have 2 months to make a decision and now I am tied up in knots over it. Id rather be sure I am making a wise decision. I am not sure how to approach my siblings because they may be beneficial in suggestions, (at least one) but I am sure they will tell my dad I am second guess at this point and destroy any trust I have developed with him. He trusts me implicitly but I don't want him to think different. True it will be difficult with him in my home as I enjoy the quiet (he's a talker, constantly unless he's asleep). The biggest issues is his well being. I will look into senior housing where he is but again for me to provide funding to his living expense I just don't have it. Your situation has opened my eyes a bit. Again I am sorry your have your situation, my best to you.

Hello, I took in my mother and father in about 10 years ago. One thing it is good to a point we have had a lot of fun together? But you will lose all your space and privacy because as they get older they get more needy. I love my mother very much, but I am tired, and want it all to end, but she can't afford to move and it would be very hard for her. Make sure you wife really wants this? Because its been 10 long years for me and my husband. My father's passing has made it hard for my mother to cope about being without him, so she has become more needy. My husband and I can not travel, or leave her alone to long. Any caregivers, I try to have stay with her, she will find a reason she don't like them. Its not like having a pet you can board if you want to go some where, they will need you all the time. All I am saying is really think this over, its a wonderful thing to love them enough to take them in but you are giving up every part of your life for it. So really think about it?

musiclover, my heart breaks for you and your partner. Is there any possibility of a reconciliation if you were to place your mother? Honestly, I believe that would be in everybody's best interest. Sometimes we make promises that, in the end, are a bad mistake and it sure sounds to me like this is the case with what is going on in your life.

You had no way to foresee your mother's needs nor the person she would become as she aged. Honestly, with what you are describing, I suspect that your mother may have some form of Alzheimer's or dementia - the lack of empathy and gratitude are symptoms of the earlier stages. I didn't know that, and when my mother started behaving that way, I couldn't understand why she was being so incredibly nasty to me. It really hurt me. Later on, she started hiding her purse and her purse was a curse. Anytime she visited me, she would hide her purse in some random place and get into hysterics for me to find it and I'd be tired from working all day and have to spend hours looking for her purse. And she was constantly calling me. I didn't know it then, but she was in stage 5 Alzheimers at the time. You may want to discuss this possibility with your mother's doctor.

14+ years is a long time together for you and your partner. I think if you find that your mom has Alzheimers or Dementia, then you are going to know in your heart that you will HAVE to place your mother because she will require 24x7 supervision and care and that's physically impossible for one person to do. Also, part of the dementia process is that our LO's lose all sense of where they are. For nearly a year, mom has been demanding that my father take her home. They are currently living in the home they built in 1975 which mom picked out and decorated to her taste and renovated in the early 2000's to her taste. Mom wanted to go home to the house that she lived in as a little girl. She totally raised cain about it at all hours of the day and night. To cope with this mess, I hired 24x7 caregivers who take care of mom (my dad is fairly healthy, just elderly). Even so, it has been an exhausting ordeal for my father because now my mother is getting up at all hours of the night and waking him up. She is losing her ability to speak and spends a lot of time calling out "Help." She goes in her TV room and sits on the sofa and doesn't know how to get back to her bedroom, so she screams for help. To cope with this, since dad has not decided that the only solution is to place her yet, I bought my dad earplugs and told the caregivers to put my mother to bed in the guest room. But so far, this strategy is not working very well and soon, I believe dad will cry "uncle" and give up on the idea of keeping mom home and I'll have to place her in a Memory Care facility. She's in the final stage of the disease anyway and will probably only live about 2.5 years. In the meantime, dad has no social life and is being kept awake at all hours of the day or night. I am waiting for the breaking point and then I will step in and do what needs to be done and point out to my father that he can't say he didn't try to keep her home, but it was just impossible.

There is a free paper on the internet which I believe will help you. It's called "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller. Google it and print it out and read it and this will give you some idea if this is what is happening to your mother. If so, alternative plans need to be made for her care and you can and should forget promises you made to never put her in a home because they were made at a time when you had no idea she would get this disease. This disease is so difficult to cope with, there really is no choice since you are alone in this. Also, your mom is not going to know where she is anyway.

Perhaps, once you have more clarity on the situation and I believe your mom's doctor will likely diagnose Alz/dementia, your partner will understand what is going on and be willing to return once you have placed your mother.

Sometimes we make mistakes and I can tell that you are full of regret and grief over the loss of your relationship. Please...don't be stubborn and insist on keeping your mother in your home, turn this around and tell your partner you want her back and will do whatever it takes to make things work.

Nowadays, care facilities are so much better than they were even 5 short years ago. I'm not talking about your typical nursing home, I'm talking about a nice retirement facility. Please take a look at some facilities, I think you will be as surprised as I was. Many of them offer luxury retirement living - even for assisted living and memory care. They have on-staff chefs, great food, luxury furnishings and all sorts of amenities like gyms, clubs, classes, musical presentations, group dinners at restaurants, shopping trips, even trips to casinos. For those in assisted living and even memory care, there are many amenities still, geared for what they are able to handle and what is safe for them.

This is one company that I looked at that was amazingly good and they are nationwide in the US and also in Canada and the UK:

My dad DID know house limits. He balked and tried to argue but we kept our foot DOWN. Assertiveness is the answer. I'm sorry this happened to you. But I met my husband late in life....you'll find someone else I'm sure. Til then I'd begin with Mother. FOOT DOWN! Too bad she has taken advantage of your kind heart....but from today on....sit her down and tell her what you told us. Tell her you love her but the rest of her stay with you will be by your house rules. Starting with respect. She sounds like she'll try to wear you down but stand firm. You've got support here. My dad balked like I said but he knew the line was drawn in the sand. No it didn't stop him from TALKING but he KNEW ACTION was our decision. Not his. And we walked away. Yes the constant talk back was annoying. But we didn't show our frustration. We would make comments away from him. I'm glad how we handled it. Michael was the head of the house...of course I was disabled...so he was SEEN more than me. He spoke for me. It helps to have someone to stand up for you. But before we got together I did a pretty good job of keeping dad in his place. He was my dad and wanted that relationship. But I was grown! So in my house.... Stand firm and walk away when she starts to argue. She'll get tired of it and may still do it but she'll be doing it by herself. And look for tomorrow and a new life. There are a lot of good companions out there. You sound like a wonderful person....I'm sure someone worthy will see that in you and be able to stand beside you.I'd stop the 'catering' today. If you don't stand strong you will never have a life of your own. That's why a talk to start off would be best I think. Or a letter if she can read it. Follow up with a talk and don't let her intimidate you. It's like this...you aren't putting her out...if she leaves that is her decision. She also is grown. But you followed her rules in her house. Now it's time for her to return the favor so to speak....don't you think? Don't engage in an argument. That gives her power she doesn't need to have.
Well that's how I and my husband handled my dad. I hope your next relationship works out...or maybe if you straighten out things at home you and your partner can RESUME...??? Worth a shot I'd think. Best of luck!

tgengine, If you don't include your siblings in your decision it is likely to cause a HUGE family rift as they will feel you are somehow trying to take advantage of your father and you will eventually come to resent that they didn't pitch in when they could have. Your whole family needs to get together and write a contract about how you are all going to work together to get dad back on his feet.

I also don't understand how you can afford a $30,000 - $60,000 renovation or addition on your home, but can't afford to help your dad with a percentage of rent in an independent senior living facility. It seems to me that you and ALL of your siblings ought to discuss ways you could share the financial burden. Your father has Social Security which will help. There are subsidized senior living apartment complexes for independent living that have dining rooms where he will be with people of his own age and have activities, clubs and friends. He will have good meals without going out and lots and lots of companionship. Once all of his assets are depleted, then, if needed he can go into a nursing home under Medicaid. Take a look at these websites:

http://www.medicare.gov/Nursing/Payment.asp

One thing you need to understand is that your father cannot gift any money or valuable assets to your or put any money into YOUR house for the addition because there is a 5 year eligibility lookback period should he need to move to a nursing home. A lot of people who moved their parent in with them have gotten trapped in this situation where their parent needed 24x7 care, but had paid for an addition to the adult child's house before they got sick - within the 5 years lookback period. Now you know why I advised you to buy a property that already has a inlaw suite or buy a duplex (and let your dad live in the second half for free) because if you add on and your dad gets sick or in an accident where he needs 24x7 care within the 5 year lookback period, he won't get approved for Medicaid and basically, you would be on the hook to pay for facility care or hire in caregivers (which costs twice as much as facility care.) It seems to me that you have thought a lot about the addition, but not about the financial impact this could have on your family in a few years time.

You state that your father goes out to eat all the time and talks a blue streak whenever you are around him. You know why he is this way? It is because he is lonely. His REAL need is for companionship of people (many people) he has something in common with as well as activities and a place to get healthy meals. If you move him to your house, you and your wife will become his companionship. You will have to be his social director and your wife his cook and maid.

There are so many good reasons not to move your dad into your house right now. It is far too early as he is still working and has friends and relatives where he lives. Doing this could destroy your marriage and devastate your father's life. I hope you don't do it for everyone's sake.

Sounds like "Dad" is fully aware of his faculties and is depressed and lost due to the death of his wife and your mother. Sounds like "Mom" took care of most everything including him. You and he have my deepest sympathy. With that said, time for a reality check. From what you said, he is quite capable of taking face of business, he either does not know how or doesn't want to. Time for some tough love. Siblings, who live near him, do not want the responsibility and live changing circumstances it evolves. They may know more than they are letting on that you do not, living 5 states away. His financial state, which does not sound good, maybe can be adjusted so he can move to an assisted living facility, still work on a regular basis and be close to family and friends, which is what it sounds like he would prefer.
A family sibling meeting, in case his financial situation is not repairable, may be necessary to pool together the monthly cost to make this happen. Moving him 5 states away, in with you and your wife, may do more harm than good for all concerned. If you feel this is a must, have him sign a POA, should or when his health deteriorates so there will be no sibling battles at that time for your own protection.
Have a sit down with him setting house rules and understandings about personal space, on both sides, if this happens. Lastly, why not convert the basement into a father-in-law suite rather than moving your office. He would have more room down there and more privacy but still be part of the household. Cheaper than adding on as long as it is dry and doable. Talk it all out first checking all the goods and bads. Once you do this, there is no going back. From veteran's of 8 years, trust me.

Moxie1 and lyneat, thanks so much from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to comment on my responses to tgengine and tgengine thank you as well. All of your comments are so appreciated. My former partner moved to the Atlanta area and I still work in Washington, DC and reside in Maryland. My former partner was staying in touch via Facebook etc every day since she moved on December 18th and we were planning a future once this chapter ended. Then on March 10th she e-mailed me and requested absolutely no contact, which I have respected. She had enough and the issue that was the final straw was my failure to move our relationship to the next level. I allowed my 100% focuson my mother and her needs to allow my relationship to suffer. For six months my mother and partner were living with me and not talking. Our therapist told my partner to stay away from my mother and I agreed. All my mother did was disrespect my partner. My partner is such a dear person and for the first time in my life I felt laughter and joy as she is so lively. She was so good for me. My mean spirited mother never laughs, never wanted friends and now I look back on my life and my eyes are open too late. When my mother had open heart surgery I took three months leave and stayed every night in the hospital parking garage looking after her to ensure her medical needs were addressed. I had her replicated to Maryland during September 2011 to a skilled nursing facility near our home as she was on a ventilator. I won't go into more about that except I had her moves to chronic care at Baltimore for ventilator weaning trials and she was finally weaned but has a trach. This is why I am so resentful that she could act like she did to my partner. I felt torn. Between two people. My partner took the higher road always but it just became unhealthy for her. I adore my former partner and wish her well. I just am hurting so bad missing her and those two adorable little dogs and when I told my so called family I am depressed when I drove my mother to see them in Pennsylvania the weekend after Christmas and that my partner moved all my brother said was yes mom can be difficult to live with. His would he know. So thank you for your support. I will grieve and just take one day at a time and know that I will relocate her at some point. She has lost my love but I will always attend to get needs but with no emotion.

My best advice is to sit down together, before he moves in and talk about everything! Also, have an exit strategy if it is not working out and talk about it. Set it up as a trial for six months or so. Your life will change, the entire sense of the house will change. My dad moved in almost three years ago when my mom passed away. She did it all for him and he expects me to take over just where he left off. The only thing we have accomplished is that now he clears his plate from the table instead of pushing it away and leaving the table to go back and read and watch tv. He took over our family room with a blasting tv, refuses to clean his own hearing aides and did not give us money for almost two years. Needless to say we discussed nothing in the beginning and it was a huge mistake! We all ended up resenting him and basically staying in our bedrooms most of the time. He is moving into a senior apartment within the month and I have not been this happy in years. Please think long and hard before you do this. Good luck.

I'm self-employed and my mom moved-in. Here are some things I already knew:
Because you're home all the time, you're way too available to help Dad out. But I use the same strategy people with children use, which is the rule that, if my door is closed, do not bother me unless you're bleeding.

Routine is important. So, Mom and I eat lunch together around the same time each day, if possible. If I have a meeting that will run over lunch, I will tell her about this. Sometimes we agree she'll eat without me, other times we agree she'll wait for me.

It was frustrating for her to learn new things so I broke up those things. Early on, there were certain things I'd get for her, certain things I'd help her find. For example, it's easier to find the jelly than the PB, so I'd have her get the jelly and I'd get the PB. These days, she can find pretty much any sandwich item she needs. Learning to use our appliances was hard, too, and she's learning these, one at a time.

We got her her own phone so that she doesn't need to worry about whether she's hogging the phone. Initially, we had planned for her to have her own TV and cable box but it's turned out that we all kind of like the same shows and, actually, none of us watch a whole lot of TV, so we just share one.

Depending on your Dad's ability to learn a new city, you might want to consider taking him to new places. If he's going to drive, maybe drive him to a new place, once, then be the passenger to help him with the directions, once or twice. Or, if he's going to take the bus, ride with him once or twice to get him used to the route.

I talked to my mom about all this, so that she knows that I'm busy with work and can't have her knocking on my office door for every little thing but that I'm willing to really spend time to help her get settled -- that I'm going to put my time I give to her to use in a way where she gets everything she needs, but maybe not all she wants.

The whole "I'm in the house but I'm not available" thing is hard work for both of you. It's going to take being firm and thinking about how to set him up so that he can find what he needs without you or to learn to go without it until the end of the day when you "return from work."

As for getting him out, look for activities around the area. Not every city limits their activities to the senior center. In some cities, there are tons of things for seniors to do with other seniors that have nothing to do with "being old," such as lunch clubs and book clubs. But it doesn't hurt to check the senior center to see if there's anything there that he'd have any interest in. You might have to look for things for him. But even if there are groups not focused on seniors, such as book groups or things like that, you might see what's in your area that he might like.

My mom and I had a frank talk about how hard it would be to combine our lives and we were all afraid we'd be together too much and trying to run each other's lives too much. So, that discussion is the time to mention how important it is to have a few separate activities, just to help in that transition.

As for the extension, I went through the same thing, more or less. My husband and I built a room for her in the basement so that she could have some privacy. That's not something we wanted or needed but, when we someday sell our house, it will hopefully add a little to the price of the house. So, asking your siblings to chip in for that is kind of a tricky thing. If you already have a large house and cannot afford the addition, I think you're going to have to do something less costly. If the house is large, is there a way you can add a bathroom so that he can have his own next to where his bedroom will be? Can it be at one end of the house to create something of an illusion of separation between your side and his?

Also, since I'm her daughter, I'm kind of in the middle a little bit. I have to be careful to make sure mom and husband both get some time from me but also that they don't put me in the middle too much.

I am clear with both that they don't get to do everything. Mom knows husband and I will have an occasional dinner and theater tickets. Or, if there's lots of walking and we don't have a lot of time to run errands, we might have to leave her behind. Spouse knows I have to give her time to help her pay her bills, take her medications, etc... He even helps.

And, sometimes, I'm clear with them that they better leave me time to myself. Once in awhile, you need to do things all by yourself and there's no shame in telling him this. If you have some club you belong to that you attend once a month, you shouldn't be giving that up because you'll need this outlet more than ever, more than likely.

I agree with Care4Mama both of my parents moved in with me and my daughter and grandson moved back home. The privacy is priceless you never know how much you are going to miss it, even if all you're doing is sitting quietly older people don't take to change very well and I love em' like crazy, but REALLY think about it.

I scanned many of the answers but didn't read all of them. I want to add my two cents for others who may read this.

We had Mom live with us for 28 months. I would not recommend it. We made the decision mostly for financial reasons. She, like your Dad, had only social security income. She had no assets. She could no longer work due to a stroke that impaired her vision. So she couldn't drive, either. She can see just not well enough for those activities.

While my mother is very polite and sweet, I learned that she will not do what she doesn't want to do. And she will let everyone wait on her or do things for her and she won't lift a finger. Whatever habits and routines you start when your parent moves in will be very hard to break after a while. When we first started on our experience, my husband worked many hours and was hardly ever around. It was easier for me to balance Mom's time and my time. Once he changed jobs and was around more, the balance shifted and became much harder.

My mother would not take classes or try to improve her abilities concerning her vision improvement. She only wants to watch tv all day and eat out as often as possible. On paper, that looks like a simple thing to make happen. In reality, it is very difficult to live with a person in the house who is doing absolutely nothing. And since we both took new jobs in a new area of the country to make this move happen, eating out became a financial strain.

Maybe if we had a type of separate apartment or living area for her, it would have been easier. She was in the back bedroom of our three bedroom house. Directly across from ours. She never left the house unless I arranged for her to leave. Either I took her or I called a family member or friend and asked them to take her somewhere. Only maybe three times in 28 months did she herself ask someone to take her out. If we did this again, I would arrange for her to go to day adult care twice a week or more. Whether she liked it or not.

Having a parent living with you is A HUGE ADJUSTMENT. If there was ever any dysfunction in your family (or your spouse's family), it will be magnified by this living arrangement. It got to where I felt that my husband and I could only have a private conversation in the garage or on the porch. When it's cold outside, that becomes difficult. My husband began to greatly resent that he could only "be normal" if we left the house.

A caring friend who has her own parental care issues to deal with stepped in after an extremely stressful weekend and has helped me find a way to move my mother to a place in the state that has low-income units within their property. Having this supporter and advocate in my corner has helped me do what I had trouble doing. The place Mom is going is one our own grandparents lived in and is nice. No, they will not wait on her hand and foot as I did. But she can sit all day and it won't bother me. She will be independent which is really what she needs but would not be in my house.

If you are able to say no without feeling bad at all and if you have strong emotional boundaries, then maybe you can make a parental live-in situation work.

Well, I finally emptied the last trailer load from my dads house to my house. After months of spending days per week driving through 5 states each week I finally have him moved in. I cant say its done, there is stuff still in the driveway yet today. The garage is over full. My wife has been a saint through all of this. So far so good but its only been a few days, He came up a week ago but promptly went back to finish a job, put flowers on my moms grave on her birthday and help pack (not), I have spent months away from my business and did 95% of the move and packing (my sister packed the things she and her kids wanted to take) My brother helped for a few minutes. And he got a big percentage of my dads tools and business items. I did take my dads furniture but only because Dad is using it! and things the others did not want. Many trips to the mission to give away and a lot in the trash. More to go to charity later. As far as siblings pretty much that is it for seeing them but for only at funerals or large scale family events. I don't except my sister to come to my house due to geography and my brother just never which is fine with me. So far so good, we have some issues with his dog peeing in the house, trying to deal with it. making him (Dad) be responsible for everyday things like close doors, turn out lights, feed his dog, clear his dishes like we all do. It will take some time but he will have to change. So far he has been good. He has his own living room, bedroom and bathroom (share with guests once in a while). I know it is difficult its a huge change but necessary. He is eating better already as we do not eat out much. We do eat better, the issue is to get him on 3 proper meals. He loves to spend so that will be an issue. the big issue is he is still trying to get business back where he was, he doesn't get it that he moved. its a 7 hour drive to go there and he cant do it every week or month nor can he afford it. He lives by how much is in his account today. I now have 2 months of work to catch up on. I also have some huge financial issues to look at and will have to ask him for some money. Much to cover my costs of travel back and forth and the costs of moving, mostly the moving costs.
He is already planning to visit my sister next week. I have to get his car repaired. The thing is he is already planning things like he is on vacation. He go out to the coast for lobster etc. I don't have time for it. I have been doing 3 work days a week at his house for the past 2 months packing sorting cleaning and moving. I am exhausted. I don't think I have ever been this tired in my life! I am the one who packed the truck and trailer and drove them both to my home. Unpacked them (I have awesome friends who helped on both times). My kids helped a lot and my cousin and his wife helped more than my brother. I guess I am just spewing. I do look forward to my dad spending time with my kids when they visit and future grand children. We will all fall into place. Its just now I want to sleep for a week...............

Two things - it will affect your marriage. It affects your ability to get away just you two, whether it be for a weekend or just an evening with friends. Your free time with your spouse will be significantly diminished.
Second - moving your dad from his hometown, family, friends, familiar things will be so difficult for him. We had to move my mom several states away and she is not able to travel. It's been hard for her to not see familiar places or people. We didn't have a choice but if you do, I'd really think about how this could throw this functional, able man into a tailspin.

Tgengine....I'm exhausted just from reading your post! You are a great son and I really hope it works out! I posted a couple of months ago.....here's my update: mom's in assisted living and loves the socialization and having her own space! I love my mom but this change was the very best thing for BOTH of us. She's up in the morning (they make sure of it) and she has three meals a day in the dining room and made some friends.....works for me! I visit once a week and enjoy the "fun" part of mom. The best part? I have my life back.....but it took nearly a month to feel "normal" again.....caregiving, especially in one's own home, is a huge adjustment! Again, with that being said, things may end up totally working out for the three of you...best of luck!

Preserving your space and getting Dad out of the house for activities should not be your major concern.What you should be considering is what happens as he ages and demands more attention?
He's now aging backwards. Are you and the wife prepared to take on the care of another "child"? You aren't getting younger either.As Dad gets "older" the demands both financially and on your time become greater.Are you prepared to give up your present lifestyle for the lifestyle of a caregiver?
Long hours, no vacations, no help (usually).
Think it over long and hard before you commit.
Changes in your home? Think ahead; A walk in tub, wheelchair accessible,
etc. The future can be much different than the golden years we anticipate.

Tgengine, I just want to wish all of you the best of luck for, at the very least, a good few years of happy life together. You've worked so hard to make this happen, well done. Just one thing to keep up your sleeve: as time goes on, should it ever come to this, remember that there is no failure in admitting that it's become too much for you and your wife to manage. But meanwhile, may the new living arrangements settle down nicely for all concerned - God bless you.

Thank you for all the responses. I do know the future will be very different. We have planned for future expansion not just today. The living room (my former office) is working out well, he has his space. We are all working to remain calm. The dogs get along OK, just having a puppy with energy and his older dog can be a challenge but it will all work out. The challenge is my brother informed my dad after lengthy discussions of his taking over the storage building for the business (he was evicted from his storage unit and dad gave my brother his) so now I have to return and clean out another unit and have a dumpster filled. I thought I was done but due to my brothers lack of ambition and responsibility it lands squarely on my shoulders. I could take the hard road but it will be easier to spend 2 days doing the hard work vs. years of strife! My other issue is my sister has not even called me to see how things went for the move and to see how I am, she called my dad I guess that counts. Once this all settles in I will have a letter sent to each sibling advising them all expenses I bear will be shared equally, I cant afford to do this all on my own when things go south, As far as reverse aging I am somewhat prepared for that, I know there will be care giver issues and am preparing for that. To those who say "not", I say that I do have this responsibility, my parents gave me life, it is my responsibility. That is what family does. There will come a time for hard decisions but not today. we are only week 2 in so I cant make decisions past today. Tomorrow he goes to visit my sister for a week (or less) depending on how he and my brother in law get along (usually not great). My wife and I are planning a few days of us time, I will spoil her this weekend, she deserves it! Anyway, this is a good site to vent, thanks for the suggestions. My big issues right now is what to do with all his stuff, my 2 car garage is full, I have to figure out what to do with all the tools and items. I am planning on selling a lot but that will be for a later date. I have the day to day things I am trying to get him to do but my mom did everything, I am now trying to train him to do these things. Its a little tough love going on right now. This is like raising kids again! Today is the first day in months I get to concentrate on my business. I had some time with a customer yesterday but right back into crisis mode when I got home. I have to tell him I am working so I do not get sidelined. Yesterday was tough, I am taking years and years of documents to the shredder, going through seeing all the financial problems they had for years, of which I was privy to (thanks mom), but it was still hard to see how they lived their life. This is what makes me live my life differently financially. I was going through all financial docs to shred, talking to my mom under my breath (she passed in Sept) I find for no reason in the random docs a card I gave my mom for her birthday it was a funny card but it talked about her patience, I know my mom was talking to me at that point. I pretty much had a breakdown at that point, felt good afterward!
Sorry for all the venting, so far he is in good spirits, I involved him in one of my clubs the other night at a BBQ at my house. He wants to get a job, once we settle in we will work on that. He will have to get over the wanting to drive back and forth to home, he is already pushing that envelope.
I set him up with one doctor, I have to do the rest. This is where I could use some sibling help but as far as I am concerned I have no siblings anymore. OK I don't want to go down that road............. today. Thanks for all the listening, lets see how this rolls......

I am concerned that you say you are informing the siblings that expenses will be shared equally. I hope that will not be a surprise to them. We can't expect siblings to help out with money if we didn't get their input before we make big moves. I would be very upset if my siblings decided to move Mom in with them and then told me I had to help pay for her. (Especially given how financially irresponsible both my parents were). Be ready in case your own siblings are unable or unwilling to send money to you or your dad.

Otherwise, your experiences sound similar to when my Mom moved in with me, except she could not drive. The getting settled phase when we are full of hopes and plans is relatively nice. I hope that stage progresses wonderfully for you and your family.

I sure hope you can find the time to read "What to Do About Mama?" It addresses every one of the issues you mention. I generally try to avoid saying, "Buy my book!" Really, I would be just as happy if you borrowed it. The point is, I wrote it to help other caregivers. I will be pleased if I find out that it has. Please let me know. Barbara Matthews

Thank you for all the responses. I don't expect my siblings to help at all. In fact my brother is still living off my dad in some ways with storage and his cell phone. I get frustrated that since the move not one phone call to me to see how things are. Sure they talk to dad but nary a call to me. My sister can certainly comment on a social network about something I post but not even a call. I guess this is their way of dealing with the subject. I am the one who is at home 24 hours a day now (I work at home). I get to deal with it all day, I understand this will take time but it is painful. He is good so far giving us room to breathe but still I am dealing with an overload of stuff in my house (my office most notably) the garage stacked full and no where to go. I have to make appointments and take him to them (Hair today) until he learns where to go. My wife and I have been at each other more than I like and we talk a lot. It is still a tough situation. I am at the point I may need counseling rather than talk myself through it. Most of this is self inflicted, I did make a point to take as much as I could of my dads items to our house so he'd feel at home so all the crap in the garage is my fault. Most of which I am trying to sell (all ready started) rather than give away. I have good moments and bad, mostly bad. I am pretty grumpy and trying to stay calm but it is difficult. I know this is long term and after a while it will get better. I have a close relative who is in this same situation, I hesitate to call to get advice as it may get back to him. Anyway, lets hope the road is less bumpy. As for my siblings helping with financials that ship sailed a long time ago, I don't expect their help so I wont be disappointed. Not that I wont try because they do need to realize they need to help. If I don't inform them its my fault. Any advice on helping him to find a job? He is not motivated and I don't want to make it seem like I am an overbearing person but he needs to realize he is not on vacation. All he talks about is going to get a lobster or oysters (hint for me to take him), I don't even have time or money for me to go! This is not the Ritz. OK, I digress..... Anyway, I need to get him out of the house and out with other people.

Last night was difficult, I made a nice dinner, seafood and pasta, he had a glass of wine. He eats so fast and much that he got it stuck in his throat and started gagging all over the place. He said it was acid reflux and I thought he was going to vomit all over my kitchen. Finally after about ten minutes of gagging, almost passing out ( I did keep an eye on him) he went into the bathroom to clear things up. While I feel for him this is not new. its been done before. He needs to learn to control his eating. I cant be like my mom and advise him as such. I do need to out him on a more bland diet I guess. I have to clear the dogs out of the kitchen while I eat, I used to have nice quiet dinners with my wife and now they are beyond quiet. Maybe tonight my wife and I will go out for a drink by ourselves. This weekend my daughter comes home and its fathers day. I will have to plan something to keep everyone entertained. Usually I go for a bike ride on fathers day but this year is different as my dad is here. I do think I am lucky to have him but on the other hand I am pained that I don't get time with my girls by my self. There is time for that later I guess.

My MIL had advanced COPD. We did not prepare a separate meal for her. Sometimes, if a dish was a little "spicy" she would go into a coughing jag. Occasionally I removed the dish and prepared something else. Funny how she didn't want to stop eating her peppermint patties after dinner, which also sent her into a spell of coughing. Also, when I was serving her, she would say "That's enough" before the one serving spoonful had even made it to the plate. Even little things begin to annoy! Barb
P.S. "What to Do about Mama?" could have been titled..."and Papa, too." But then the title could have just worked it's way off the cover of the book. We were looking for something brief and snappy, but please don't think it's not inclusive!

tgengine, I feel for you. I'd previously mentioned that I have my mom and that I work from home. She's gotten used to it and it's working fine. But I'm doing everything big for her. I'm helping her plan a funeral so that she can have peace-of-mind that it's handled, not because she's terribly sick. I'm helping her manage selling her house. I help her dig up money to pay her bills, because she gave away and/or lent my brother so much money that she doesn't really have any left. Her memory is so bad that she can't do her physical therapy exercises without my help because she just can't remember how to do them.

For all that, my brother only calls when he's lonely or needs something. He doesn't help in any way. But that's not the worst - he also likes to make things more difficult and create yet more work for me. It's amazing how siblings just so easily shed themselves of responsibility and also seem to get a kick out of making things yet more difficult for the caregiver.

Back to her funeral - she doesn't have enough money left for the most modest funeral and asked me if she could borrow money from me after just previously saying she wanted to write another check to send my brother gas money to help him afford to go to her house and move his own stuff out of it, where he's used her house for free storage for many years (and lives many states away). I flat-out said, "No, you can't borrow money from me so that you can give my brother money.." I suggested he sell some of his things to get the gas money but her response was, "But he doesn't want to." I responded that he'll then just have to figure this out on his own.

My husband and I do go to an occasional evening concert, which we also include dinner and a drink out, together with. I usually feed Mom before we leave, but we can even go out for an afternoon and she knows how to make herself a PB&J sandwich, so I'm lucky I can occasionally leave her alone a bit. We make a big deal out of the fact that we each spend time just with her, just with each other, and all three together. I make a big deal out of this so that she doesn't just feel left-out when my husband and I go out without her. Also, we play-up the part of what we're doing that we think she wouldn't like, like going to an outdoor concert and sitting on the ground or that it's rock music or whatever we know she'd dislike.

I agree with the person who says that you can't ask your siblings for money. If you can get some from them, great, but they sound uninterested in the situation and you're just going to end up stressed-out when you can't collect and, really, just making more work and stress for yourself.

I will get a copy of the book, when a friend committed suicide 11 years ago my wife and I found books on the subject about how to deal with it and her family. They were extremely helpful to us to understand different aspects of the situation. I came to this site for the same reason and it has been helpful. Prior to the move in it was a different view point. Now that it has happened I have a different view altogether. I had to go to an event last night and planned for my wife to meet me after for dinner, she would make something for my dad to eat. the stress of going out was difficult. When I called my wife to let her know where to meet me she said my dad was going out for dinner himself. I ended up coming home and made dinner, thus ensued another stress event between my wife and I and my dad ended up staying home as well. She doesn't understand yet my stress, guilt and overall feelings about this situation. While I tried to explain that having him move in was so he didn't go out for dinner by himself and eat unhealthy like he has been for the past 8 months. I do have guilt, I do not know why, this should be on my other siblings but it has landed squarely on my shoulders. My wife is a saint for putting up with me, I have been a real grouch lately getting this all settled in. We do need some time out, she was looking forward to some time out but she did not tell me that until after, if that was the case I would have stayed on track but the feeling I got from her before was it didn't matter either way. We both have to communicate better. As for my dad, as long as he has people around, he is busy and he gets fed he doesn't seem to care. I then had to spend time to fix his computer, handle some bills and discuss how to deal with my brother and his dependence on my dad for money. We have asked him to forward mail being sent to his house but yet to see it. After this long and boring rap about my issues, how do I handle dealing with my siblings? Do I extend out to them or do I get it go and wait for them to communicate to me? Its not like we ever talked much anyway, except for the times of crisis. I am frustrated that now that my dad moved in no one communicates to me anymore, I guess that is a good thing, still stings a bit tho.

Just a few miscellaneous comments first.

Get a change of address packet from the post office and fill it out, then have your father sign it and you or your wife can take it to the post office. Don't wait for the brother to send the mail; having it gives him some control over your father.

You can also call, visit or snail mail financial institutions, mutual fund holders, etc. to get the address change done directly by them.

The choking could be because he's eating too fast and not drinking enough inbetween. From your description, I do get the impression he's a self-directed person, in some respects, and could be a fast mover when he wants to be.

There's some discussion on the post "Mom is spitting out her food" on swallowing issues.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-is-spitting-out-her-food-169317.htm

Slightly different approach, but since there was a possibility of swallowing dysfunction, I shared our experience when my father had that problem. Easy foods to eat, drinking water after each bite, etc. could apply to your father. I get the feeling he gulps down his food and then chokes on it.

As to the siblings, I too was in a situation in which my sibling did not help, except for a few times over a several year period. During those few times, there was friction between him and my father; both are dominating people.

Eventually I decided I would ask for help only if it could be done from out of state.

You might want to gradually list all the things you're going to be doing for your father and determining which, if any of them could be done off site by your siblings. It wouldn't hurt to ask for financial assistance - they're his children, after all. It may be that they'd rather send money than do the hard work of hosting him in their homes.

I don't recall whether your siblings are local, and given that there are 87 posts in this thread, I don't want to take the time to go through them again.

But if any of your siblings are local, medical visits, entertainment, shopping, picking up prescriptions, etc. are tasks they can perform. Let them take turns so they can "spend some quality time with your father". They could also have him over for dinner or take him out, to give you and your wife some alone time.

Thinking ahead, I would also do this by e-mail and save all the e-mails. Reading about all the problems others here have had with non-contributing but meddling and sometimes legally aggressive siblings, I would recommend maintaining documentation on what your siblings will and won't do. You never know what will happen on down the line.

In the meantime, I think you've got a good grasp of what's happening, see the changes in your relationship with your wife, and certainly aren't getting into this situation blindly.

It's also wise to create time alone for your family. And be careful of the brother who wants financial assistance.

If you haven't gotten durable and medical powers of attorney, now's the time to get them. That would also give you some leverage if the siblings later want to choose other courses of action or if your brother wants continued financial assistance. In fact, you might want to carve out a budget from your father's assets for his care while living with you, minizing any amount left over for the brother.

My apologies; just saw from your original post that siblings will be farther away once Dad comes to live with you, and that you asked how to create social opportunities for him while living with you.

You wrote that he has his own business. SCORE is an organization consisting of business people who advise new business starts and others on the ins and outs of running a business. At one time the SBA used to host seminars on starting businesses. Perhaps this is an opportunity.

If there's a Senior Center there, check out their activities. Ours has a woodworking club. Maybe there's a similar or other special interest club that would interest your father.

What are his other interests, professional and personal? Again, search for clubs or activities that might not necessarily be related to senior activities and see if he'll go to them.

Do you think he could help with a Boy Scout troop? He wouldn't have to be a leader, but perhaps could help on special projects. Same with church functions if he's a church goer.

Perhaps he can spend a few weekends with the family - you can drive him there on a Friday night and the siblings can return him on Sunday. That will give you and your wife a breather and give the siblings a chance to see what caregiving is really like.

I saw the great list of tips, but want to add something about financial institutions:
I picked my own financial institution for my Mom. I didn't shop around because it's easier for me to do all the banking in one place, and she does need me to drive her and help her, so that makes my life easier.

I did the opposite with medical centers. I found one that has a geriatric clinic and, since I'd only been to one appointment at a different clinic, I switched myself to the clinic she's at. Same as the bank, it's easier for me to make appointments in one set of buildings. Also, the medical center we go to allows family members to try to coordinate visits so that you make fewer trips. For example, I needed a test and she needed a test. One visit to the blood labs and we were both done.

Some of this might seem like small things but if you end up doing a lot of caretaking and errands for another person, eventually, it's these little things that can really add up.