My Dad's moving in with my wife and I soon. How do I handle this?

Hi tgengine!

You are a good son for opening your home to your dad. However, you are right to be concerned. I'll try not to sound like Debbie Downer.

Unless your siblings have already agreed to help you financially with your dad you might want to ask your siblings if they are planning on helping you before your dad arrives. I understand that your dad is still vital and ambulatory and has many interests and friends but he is going to live with you and you will become his caregiver and as a caregiver never, ever expect that your family automatically knows they should be helping. Don't ever assume people should know we need help. As caregivers and in your situation you'll have to ask for that financial assistance and be specific.

Anticipating the personal space issue is spot on. The three of you are going to have to figure this out. Not only will you want your space with your wife but your dad is going to want his own space as well and not feel that he is underfoot. You've cleared out that room which is a good step but this is one area in which you'll have to figure it out after your dad gets there and gets settled. My dad moved in with me. I got a house specifically for the purpose of my dad moving in with me and like your dad my dad was vital and social. We had some vague idea of how it was going to work but until we all actually moved in together we found it difficult to plan it all out. I let my dad have the master bedroom because it had it's own bathroom and I moved down the hall and shared a bathroom with my teenage daughter. Allowances are going to have to be made, compromise will need to be reached. My dad developed a habit of sitting at the kitchen island which was right in the middle of the house. I had to pass him a thousand times a day and sometimes, like in the a.m., I am not a chatty person. This was an allowance I had to make. This couldn't be anticipated but we had to work around it. There will be many things that you'll have to work around and it's impossible to anticipate everything. What do they say? Expect the best but prepare for the worst.

Moving so far away from his friends and most of his family will be very difficult for your dad. Yes, he's moving in with you and everyone's excited and making plans but you are correct in being concerned about depression in your dad. Once he gets there let him decompress. Don't try too hard to integrate him. Let him find his way. Again, this comes from my experience of moving my dad in with me. And again, be careful of your expectations. You wrote that you want him to work three hours a day and go to the gym or some social activity. I feel that you're setting yourself up here. Your dad may have other plans. Have you discussed all of this with your dad? Has he agreed to work 3 days a week and to socialize with other people? Making friends at his age (I don't know his age but I take it he's a senior citizen) is very difficult. Any kind of elder daycare will have people who aren't not as capable as your dad. Maybe a gym will have some activities for senior citizens, you can look into that, but be careful of those expectations. And I'm so glad you are aware that you and your wife could potentially become his social life. There's a very decent chance of that happening. So before your dad arrives have a list of places that he can socialize. My dad, in his good years, participated in a community-run group for 'older adults'. It was once a month but only in the summer. They would have lunch and entertainment one month, lunch and bingo the next month, etc. My dad found it by contacting the city in which we lived. He loved it. My dad also loved the grocery store. They had many retired people working there and that was a great social outlet for my dad. They had a little café and he would sit there and inevitably someone on their break would come and join him. This was in St. Louis and this was a huge grocery store chain, not a mom-and-pop deal. So it might be a good idea to do some research yourself before your dad arrives and then when he's settled in gently encourage him to get out. And tell him that you're not trying to push him out of the house. Just explain to him that you want him to be as active as he was before he moved.

So having said all of that (and if you're still awake having read this far) my main points are try to keep your expectations in check. The more expectations you have the greater chance of disappointment and resentment later on; don't expect your siblings to automatically know what you need. You're going to have to ask them for what you need and again, watch those expectations. This is the stuff family feuds are made of; let your dad set his own pace. This is a huge move for him and there may be things going on with him that you have no clue about. You will certainly discover them as soon as he's moved in; and while it sounds as if your wife is on board with all of this make your marriage your #1 priority when your dad arrives. Moving in an aging parent is very stressful on a marriage. You may want to discuss an exit strategy with your wife if life with dad doesn't turn out to be all it's cracked up to be. He might do better in an assisted living down the road if his moving in doesn't work out. Are you prepared to care for him as his health declines? Prepared to go down that road? Your situation with him in your home can change *snaps fingers* like that. One fall. One bout of pneumonia. One infection. One little thing and it can all change. Be prepared.

I hope I didn't scare you. Like I said, my dad was like your dad when he moved in with me but he got older, less capable, and 5 years later, while out of his mind, died in a nursing home. But in the beginning he'd jump in his car and be off doing his own thing most days. Things change.

Oh! And I would like to suggest that you read a lot of what's offered here. Get a sense of what you can expect. And know that we're always here if you need us. I hope you come back and let us know how it's going.

Moving him away from his business, his friends and your brother will devastate him. Old people are like big trees, and you can't uproot a big tree. they wither and die. Read some of the posts here about how moving them to an unfamiliar place accelerates dementia and a decline in health. If his issues are strictly financial, you kids could pool your resources and find him a companion or housekeeper/cook to fill his needs. If he is a Vet, call the VA. Call the Office of the Aging in his county to see if he qualifies for SNAP or HEAP. Moving him should be the last resort.

If he owns his own business is it time to sell so he can afford to continue to enjoy the life he has built? Seems logical to me. There are no easy answers.

pstegman is right on the money. And was much more succinct than I.

I didn't want to scare you and when I wrote that there may be things about your dad that you don't know about this is what I was talking about. He may be social and outgoing now, where he lives, but a long-distance move will change all of that and could be catastrophic for all of you. On paper it might look good and when I commented I was trying to work within your 'on paper' viewpoint of your dad moving in with you. But you have no idea what's in store for you and your wife if your dad makes this move. This is what I really wanted to say initially.

There are dozens if not hundreds of posts on this site about moving in an aging parent. Rarely does it turn out well even with the best of intentions going in. A couple of years down the road you find yourself with a broken marriage and a family that no longer speaks to eachother. This is the reality. But don't take my word for it. Or pstegman's. Take advantage of what this site offers and read for yourself.

I have pondered all these questions for months now. My parents have traveled to my home 7 hours away from theirs for almost 2 decades on a regular basis. They watched my kids grow up and were an integral part of theirs and my life. My mom passed recently and we agreed prior that either would live with us so I am prepared in that regard. My sister somewhat agreed to help with expenses and have dad visit her often but theirs is a tenuous relationship at times. My brother has no finances at all so I cant count on him nor would he help, although he has and is glad to take a pay check from my dad every week (sometimes I have covered the payroll), oh did I mention I am the baby of the family?
You have brought up some good points about expectations, while he is mobile he is declining. He and my mom were side by side for 59 years and knew each other since they were 10. It will devastate him I am sure, he is actually excited to come here as my mom did everything and I think he is expecting that! My wife has made it clear we will not be catering to him. Generally when he would visit for the weekend it was always he and I doing a repair job or fishing or sightseeing. Being I work from home it makes it difficult to have people understand I am actually working even though it doesn't look like it. He will have his own large bedroom and shared bath (with the adult children when they visit) and a living room (my former office, one reason why I bought the house). He is bringing his dog with him (we have a new puppy). He has never associated with older groups per sea. It was always he and my mm doing stuff with friends, those friends wont be here. Do I map out a plan for him to follow? He has always been a great breadwinner, worked 2 jobs, his work is his hobby besides our hunting and fishing. He was brought up under difficult circumstances and left my mother to do a lot of things for him. He has learned to pay some bills (write a check) check email (new) do laundry, but I am the one who has to watch the finances like my mom and manage the details (like my mom). My biggest fear is as you mentioned him maybe not being happy here, after all its been like a vacation every time he visits. Moving in will be different. As for the bills how to I ask my sister to help? Pay certain bills? Help offset the cost of an addition? Plan for the future? We are not well off financially, he collect SS but that is it, no other income. I plan to introduce him to a lodge here so he can make some new friends, he loves all my friends (they all know him) and he will have some small carpentry jobs to do when he moves here. The biggest issues is all the "things" we have to get rid of, he will bring some here but we have to liquidate the house. We are very open with him and he is part of the process. I don't hide anything from him. He expects to be able to pick up and visit family when he wants but I fear his driving long distance by himself. I am rambling here, sorry. After dealing with my SIL and BIL with her passing and undoing her life and putting my BIL in a nursing home and calling weekly to check on him of the other side of the country (he and my wife are the only family members left on my wife's side so we are responsible for him too). I am at a stress point and dad has not moved in yet. He gave his notice to move from his town house at the end of May so my clock is ticking. How do I handle the food arrangements, laundry, our personal time (TV), going out etc.? (He will have his own 2 TVs to watch).Just not ready for this. I have had to do all the details on my moms funeral and paperwork process so I am still grieving in my own way.

Solving a financial problem by moving him 5 states away from his friends, business, and some family members is a pretty drastic step. Is there any way the issues could be solved in place?

Dad is healthy and mobile now, so it seems you and your wife will be hosts, not caregivers -- but don't count on that to last.

You have anticipated some of the issues you'll face. (Congratulations.) Expecting them and experiencing them are not the same thing, as nearly all live-in caregivers can tell you.

My suggestions:

1) Be prepared to set boundaries, from day one -- even before the move, if possible. Dad is independent and healthy. Good. But that doesn't mean you want to hear his television at loud volume all day long. He watches in his room or with a wireless headset in the family room. He never enters your bedroom without knocking. Meals are at predetermined times but he is free to help himself to food at any time. These are just examples. Your boundaries will reflect your own situation, but it is critical to establish right up front that this is not a completely anything-goes situation.
2) Protect his independence and your sanity by not becoming his personal servants. His late wife waited on him. Perfectly OK in their relationship, but not in yours. Encourage him to do everything he can for himself. It is good for him! He has gotten used to doing somethings for himself but odds are he'll quickly revert to being waited on if you let him. Don't let him. Especially don't let your wife get trapped into the waitress/gopher role. Simmering resentment is not a happy home environment. If/when Dad really can't do things for himself, then it is time to bring in some in-home help.
3) Respite for the caregivers is absolutely necessary. Since you are not initially expecting to be "caregivers" you might overlook this, but that would be a mistake. You and your wife need time alone together as well as time alone individually. This should be easy, since Dad does not need a "sitter" -- you can go out anytime. But it may not be as easy as it sounds, if Dad expects to go everywhere you go, and especially if Dad expects you to fulfill all his social needs. You MUST set boundaries in this area. Sure, invite Dad along to a baseball game, or to a neighborhood picnic. But don't include him in every outing! Don't establish a habit of dependence on you for a social life.
4) Don't count on your siblings for anything without their explicit agreement. And even if they agree to something, realize they can change their minds. You have no control over their behavior. Set up the situation so that you can maintain it on your own. To the extend they will help, consider that a bonus.
5) Explore every option for keeping Dad in his familiar stomping grounds. If it is only financial problems that are behind this move, explore his eligibility for financial aid, such as subsidized senior housing, meals on wheels, etc. Maybe moving in with you will still be your choice, but everyone can feel more positive about it if it is truly a choice, and not just the default because you couldn't think of anything else.

I guess I'm just repeating what the other posters have said. Maybe hearing similar suggestions from several people who have been there will be helpful!

Good luck ... and let us know how this turns out.

Really besides financial the only reason he is moving in is because "he doesn't do lonely well". We talk 1 to 3 times a day so our relationship is good. He wont eat in the house since mom died so he eats out every night (not healthy) has gained weight and just doesn't do well on his own. He is more social than he thinks but time is running out. He has a construction business and may have a buyer but it will not garner much money. I tried to get my brother to take it over but that is a lost cause so I write him off on that. He lives by himself and has a place that would be perfect in the same town, nothing would change except for the address and the fact that they cant be in the same room together unless they are working together then is it difficult at best. We discussed the senior housing and he is adamant about that. I guess since I had to agree many, many years ago I would take care of him its my due? I am not unhappy about his coming here its just so scary. My SIL had brain cancer and we wished she came to live with us before the end, we only had a month with her here before she lapsed. I have some medical back ground and my sister is a nurse, she did the medical duties with my parents before she moved away a few years ago. I fear that it will be all on me once dad gets here and she will be hands off.
I like the issue of boundaries, that is a reason I want to add a bedroom and bath to the first floor. The good thing is he can do a lot of the work now so he will be busy. Maybe I am over worrying but my stress level is at the "orange" level right now. How do I handle when things aren't going well even before he gets here? He is depending on me to do it all as I have been, am I creating a monster?

tgengine, you and I were posting at the same time. Now that I've read your latest post I re-read mine to see if I would change anything. I wouldn't.

I am even more concerned about #3 -- time to yourself. Your friends are already friendly with Dad. That is great -- but also dangerous as it could contribute to dependence on you for his social life. And #2 is an even greater concern. Good for your wife for declaring she won't be catering to him! But it is much easier to say it than to enforce it. Especially since his only experience at your house is as a vacationing guest, I expect a lot of tension over these basic issues.

You really are thinking about this, and that will help.

Your dad has worked hard all his life and done his best to support his family. If he needs some financial assistance at this point that is not shameful. It doesn't sound to me as if his children are themselves financially in a place where they can support him. You and your wife, for example, deserve to be saving for your own retirement. I repeat my advice to explore other options for financial help for Dad.

By all means, continue to oversee his finances. You can do that from 5 states away, if you set up lots of online accessibility. But try not to mortgage your own future to support Dad now.

Thanks for the great suggestions. While I have been privy to much of my parents lives over the years and prepared to do this it same suddenly with my moms passing. I have been doing the finance issues over the years with them but they never made preparations for retirement. My dad still works 5 days a week and is out all day long so this will be a major hit for him as he is so active. I think we have an handle on the finance thing but down the road is another hurdle. Luckily my wife and I talk a lot and she is on board. We just got our youngest out of the house and were enjoying doing our own empty nest thing. Now it will not be. Without trying to look like I am steering him to a senior place how do I introduce him to people his own age? He goes out with my moms best friend once to 2 times a week for dinner (she lost her husband a few years ago) and visits with another friend a few hours away once a month. He is a young 78. I worry that moving him here will take any independent growth away from him but we really have no other choice. As far as daily chores how do I handle that? He waits until he runs out of clothes to do laundry (I wont do his, I staved off my daughters when they hit the teen years), he cleans only when we visit and he is the kind of person to just leave dirty dishes as someone else will do it for him. He actually admitted he gets people to do things for him if he waits long enough. He is a good man so I don't want to talk ill of him, he just has some quirks like we all do. My mom doted on him around the house while he did a great job on the physical things of making a home and a life. I respect my father unlike my siblings but I fear bringing him here will take so much of his life away from him like his family who is close by where he is. My life is here so I cant move but I cant leave him there to fall into disrepair. Right now the stress of ruining a business is taking a toll on him so I have to do this but I fear once he stops he wont get back up again.

Jeanne's right about boundaries but just not in the literal sense of a separate bed and bath just for him. Emotional boundaries. You said your mom did everything for him and took care of everything. That's typical of his generation. It's not your job or your wife's job to take over where your mom left off. Once your dad moves in with you it will be all on you. How can your sister be hands on when dad moves out of town and in with you?

You can't plan for everything, you can't anticipate everything. It is stressful and it's life-changing. But no one's holding a gun to your head. Even if you did agree years ago that this was going to be the plan. I promised my dad that I would never put him in a nursing home and I meant it with all of my heart. But I had no clue what was coming, how bad it would get. We make decisions when we're naïve, before we have all of the information.

I'm sure you're getting a well-rounded look at our collective experiences. There's a lot of support to be had here. Any time you have a question or concern please come back. Consider this research. :-)

Thanks, I am sure I will be hit my self in the head somewhere about June. My dad and I do go on hunting trips together, we have a fishing trip planned for a week so we do get along, its just all the other stuff. He is open to me doing things for him as expected but this is like having a child all over again. How do I handle that we like our alone time in the evening to decompress? My wife is a teacher so she really needs to chill when she comes home. We will have separate living rooms but how do I say we need space without sounding crass. I should have starting asking these questions months ago before I got into this. Especially when my wife and I want to go on vacation, how do I say we are going away and not feel guilty? Geez, isn't this supposed to be the other way around? How do I handle mail and things we have similar names, do I get him a PO box? I have his banking established.

The mail thing is easy, just have his mail forwarded to your home. I did this with my dad and I'd just put his mail where he liked to sit everyday.

You're right, in some ways it is like having a child all over again only more difficult. Your dad will come to you with all of his habits and expectations and a fully formed personality and ways of doing things.

In the beginning with us, my dad and I didn't really know what to do. He'd come into our den where my then-teenage daughter and I were watching tv and sit on the other couch. Not that he was prohibited from the den but I doubt he enjoyed watching "Jersey Shore". He had a nice tv in his room and after a little while he began to migrate back to his room to watch tv. The den became "my" space. My tv, my space. To make him feel more welcome I invited him to do a movie night occasionally but he was very hard of hearing and I couldn't stand the volume on the tv being so loud. But he was fine being back in his room watching his tv. I know this because I asked him. You said you and your dad have a good relationship, so did me and my dad, and whenever we needed to discuss something we did. Keep the lines of communication with your dad open.

You have every right to go on a vacation with your wife....without your dad. How to handle it? When the plans are made tell your dad about your trip as you would tell a friend: "Mary and I have decided to take a cruise next month. We're really excited about it!" There's nothing to feel guilty about. There's a great Bed and Breakfast about 2 hours from here and I spent many weekends there while my dad was living with me.

No doubt about it, your dad moving in with you is going to throw a wrench into your habits and schedule as well as his. Thank goodness for separate living rooms! If you're enjoying alone time with your wife and your dad wanders in the next opportunity you have, maybe a day later, ask him if he'd mind if you and your wife had some privacy after she gets home from work. Communication! And boundaries! With the fishing and hunting dad will have enough father/son time. Your relationship with your wife must always come before your relationship and duty to your dad.

In a way you're going to have to break your dad in. If he's in the habit of letting dirty dishes sit in the sink you have to break him of that. Take the heat yourself, tell him something like, "Dad, I have a thing about dirty dishes in the sink, would you mind putting them in the dishwasher as soon as you're done with them?" Non-accusatory and reasonable. He's not a guest anymore, he's your roommate and as a roommate he also has certain responsibilities to the household.

What kinds of things is he open to having you do for him? If he can do them for himself he should. Establish all of this stuff right in the very beginning because once a pattern begins, once behavior is established you're going to be stuck with it.

Again like Jeanne said (she's very wise) my 2 main concerns in all of this are his knowing your friends and your wife becoming an indentured servant to your dad. There may come a time when you are in the middle of your wife and your dad. It happens all the time. Always support your wife. Try to work out a solution but never let your support for your wife waver. You will actually be trying to get a zebra to change it's stripes here. Your mom took care of your dad and that's what he's been used to for 59 years. Don't let your dad expect that kind of treatment from your wife or you.

Dad: "I'm hungry, is there anything to eat?"
You/wife: "I don't know, food's in the fridge, help yourself."

Dad gets up from the table, leaving his dishes for someone else to take to the sink.

"Hey dad! Those dishes aren't going to walk themselves over to the sink". Then tip him a wink or something so the tone remains light.

Dad: "I think the sheets on my bed need to be changed."
You/wife: "There are fresh sheets in the linen closet."

Dad overhears you telling your wife that you're going to get together with a friend to watch....whatever guys watch. This is a friend that your dad knows. Tell your dad that said friend is having problems in his marriage and needs to talk to you. Yes, it's a lie. But would you rather tell your dad that you don't want him to tag along?

When my dad lived with me, before he began to decline, it was me, my 16 year old daughter, and my dad all living together in a house. From my viewpoint and my daughter's viewpoint it was the two of us and dad was the 5th wheel. But from my dad's point of view it was like it was me and him and my daughter was a child "we" were raising. My dad never really stepped on my toes when it came to parenting but our relationship shifted when we moved in together and morphed into some kind of weird partnership thing. Initially it was like I had replaced my mom. My dad would attribute my mom's habits and tones and quirks onto me (it wasn't as creepy as it sounds). My dad would consult with me on things when he didn't need to. We would receive invitations to graduations and family functions together which put me in a position of having to say to my dad, "Hey dad, Ron asked us to an anniversary party a week from Sat." It made me uncomfortable, like we were a couple or something. My life had become enmeshed with my dad's and I didn't like it one bit. Once your dad moves in your friends are liable to issue invitations to you, your wife, and your dad because they know he's living there with you and they don't want to be rude and not extend an invitation to him too. What you do with that and how you handle that is up to you.

Maybe your dad is as nervous about this move as you are. It's a huge life change and he may feel like a guest for a while but as long as you set up boundaries right from the beginning you may avoid a lot of this stuff. You said he's a young 78 and it sounds like it from what you've described. When did your mom pass away? And as young at heart as he may be at 78 he's still a fall risk and is vulnerable to all sorts of age-related decline. One fall, one broken hip and your life as you know it will be over. Stroke. Infection. It just takes a very little to go from vital and productive to elderly and needy, know that going in. My dad had been with me for several years and had experienced age-related decline but nothing major. I was working a few days a week and one day I came home from work and the lights were all off, the paper wasn't on the table, it was quiet as a church and I just knew my dad had fallen. I ran back to his room and he had been on the floor for hours. He hadn't injured himself and he had taken spills before. We used to joke that he just bounced when he'd fall. But this was different. He was dehydrated (which our parents are very vulnerable to) and the dehydration had sapped his strength. I couldn't get him off the floor where as previously I would have been able to (I work in physical therapy). I had to call 911 and things were never the same after that. It was Election Day and while in the ER he was grousing about not being able to vote and was it possible that he could vote from the hospital. But that fall took a lot out of him (he was 79 then) and he never bounced back and his decline sped up as a result. Six months later he passed away in a nursing home. When the ambulance took his to the ER that day I would have never, in my wildest dreams, believed that he'd never come home again. It can happen that fast.

Keep writing, keep venting, keep sharing your concerns. That's what this site is all about and it's filled with great people.

Thank you all for the great insight into what I am to expect. I truly love my dad, it is going to be hard on all fronts. Most of this is guilt I guess. As far as siblings I don't expect much help so then I guess I wont be disappointed. In talking with my sister all she is interested in is the china that is left after she cleared it out (bone of contention). Did I mention she took my moms jewelry box the day of the funeral? To her credit she did split the nice pieces up between the granddaughters (her daughter and my 2) but I never got the chance to get something for me. She did clean out my moms clothes at the request of my father but that has been about it. She was a bit torqued about one item from my mothers purse she wanted but a month ago my dad gave it to my daughter (the one who actually called my mother every week). Little things seem to be cropping up so I guess in a sense it is good there is less on that front. I have been very open with my father to give what he wants to who he wants. My suggestions is on holidays to give air loom items to family members vs. buying gifts (went over very well at Christmas). I am trying to prepare myself with all of these questions so it doesn't hit me in the face the day he moves in. I don't expect it to be as bad as I make it out. After all we were in business together years ago, we lived a 1/4 mile apart for many years while my daughters were growing up and we work well together on projects (there is a time or 2 when its not but that is normal). I actually look forward to taking care of him because I worry (hence the morning calls every day). Even before mom passed we would talk 3 to 5 times a week. The thing that tears me apart is leaving my mom behind. I wont get to visit her as much as I do now going to visit my dad. Once he leaves pretty much all we will do is go to the home town for funerals and special occasions but that will slow down after a while. I fear that my dads not being able to visit his sister and friends will dampen things for him here. One thing I wonder is how do I tell if he needs a support group or not. So far he's been good, he tells me when he has a bad day but now he has his circle. He's a tough guy but not infallible. He is not into cards or sports or activities besides work, so my worry is his activity level and mental health. Is it right for me to direct him to activities? I worry he will decline if I get him in with "old people".

My two cents is once this is done it will be very hard to reverse. I say find a low income, affordable apartment for him but if his name is still on a business that may be difficult. My mom came to live with me 7 years ago after a bad fall and she could no longer drive. She is now 86 and fairly healthy but her world is our world. In the winter months she cannot even get out and sit on the deck and unless I take her out she sits and reads, watches tv etc.We joke that she is the weather lady as every news cast she comes out of her inlaw door and tell us the weather. I live an hour from where her social circle was and her friends now with their own issues do not come to visit any longer. I take her to all her Dr appts, make most of her meals, take care of her finances etc. I totally underestimated the impact of all this and I work at home also. I dream of having my home back to myself. Cranking music when I want, walking down to my laundry room naked if I need to get clothes--its all sounds trivial but it all adds up to feeling a bit trapped in your own home. All this and she is kind, trys to be helpful, feeds the cat and 2 dogs--really she does not have things I can really complain about. My youngest (of 5) graduates high school next year and my husband and I who have a blended family and basically raised them all for years as single parents are looking forward to some due time in our mid to late 50's for ourselves but now what to do with mom. The guilt is killing me already with the thought of moving her out of my house. Bottom line is I made a big mistake from the start and should have placed her in assisted living where she would have had a social life with people her age. Mom did say the other day "what will you do with this big house when the kids are all gone in a year?" and she said it may be time for her to go somewhere else. The fact she is aware and considering that is enough to get me thru the next 2 years or so and that makes me love her even more after some of the horror stories I have heard about parents living with children. Good luck-whatever decision you make will have some kind of guilt attached to it. No way around that.

So many people wrote here and I don't even have the patience to read them all. But I did have my dad move in with my husband and me back in 1993 when he was in good health and 85 years old. My mother had passed on and his house was too much for him to take care of all by himself. He actually built an addition onto our house. Could you use the money after you sell his house to pay for an addition? I got a very large addition large bedroom, bathroom, walk in closet and a huge sunroom added on. He paid for half and so did we. He gave me money for food and utilities. He basically got his own breakfast and lunch because I was still working and so was my husband. I fixed dinner for him, cleaned his room and bathroom, did his laundry and just got to know him as my best friend for the 5 years he lived with us. He died in his room in hospice care in our house. We had a wonderful time. He was independent, went to church, the library, visited family when he wanted to. He was still driving a week before he died. That made me really nervous. But basically at the end he just went to the library every day to get out of the house. He used to put up their flag in the morning, because he was there every day. He loved having that job. HE also was busy as a volunteer with the Red Cross and was a communion steward and usher in church. He did not however , have to leave his town where he lived his entire life. That could make a huge difference. Perhaps the other children could come and get him to take home for a week long visit or even a month long visit! I know oldsters who do that too. Good luck! It was the best five years of my life. Dad was independent until the last week of his life when he finally succumbed to Renal Cell artery Carcinoma. He was amazing.

And can I add-Don't you just love this site? And boy do I wish I had found it before I made the decisions I made years ago.

I don't think there's anything wrong with encouraging your dad to participate in community activities. The group my dad joined, when he was healthy, was not full of old, decrepit people. They, like my dad, were active and social and friendly. Yes, they were senior citizens but they were able-bodied with all of their faculties intact. My dad made friends there and was quite popular with the ladies. I can't remember off-hand what all they did but it was always something. They celebrated holidays with huge luncheons and entertainment (some guy from the zoo came one time with all kinds of exotic birds and reptiles). I think it cost $3 per luncheon. It was the perfect outlet for my dad.

Do a little research and see if your community offers some things you think your dad might enjoy and then when your dad gets there and is somewhat settled mention it to him and let him decide if he'd like to get involved in some social activities. Does he go to church? That's a great social outlet too.

Just have some info handy to whip out if you need to, if you think your dad might be interested. Stay away from adult daycare though. There he will encounter "old people".

How old is your dad?

Unless he's suffering from some medical condition that requires more care, why exactly is he moving in with you when he's able to work, has his own friends, etc.?

Instead of having him move in with you, why can't you and your siblings contribute equally to his 'retirement' each month with a check that will help him pay his way to live independently?

He may not want to move in with you, valuing HIS freedom as much as we all value ours.

tgengine, you asked about your siblings contributing financially. BEFORE dad moves in, you all need to draw up a legal contract about who will contribute what and when it has to be paid by each month. I would suggest you establish a separate account for these contributions and also, you all need to agree on exactly what the money will be spent on.

I do want to mention to you an alternative plan for you father that could enable him to continue living in the same city he is currently in. Nowadays, it is possible to live cheaply by buying a duplex and renting out one side of it. A lot of people do this to reduce their monthly mortgage payment down to perhaps $50 a month due to the income from the rental property. The best choice would be a duplex with 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms in each half. I'm wondering if this wouldn't be a better choice for the entire family. Dad's house could be sold for the downpayment for the property and then he would have rental income plus his Social Security plus whatever else he makes from work, if anything. Doing this would prevent your father from having to move to a strange city at this time and also, make his property an investment for the entire family. You and your siblings could still contribute money to go to such things as hiring housekeepers to come in every 2 weeks or pay for dad's food expenses or whatever. Later on, as your father gets older, you could move him into assisted living and rent out his half of the duplex and would therefore have 2 rental properties generating income that would help support your dad in his old age.

If you do decide to move dad to your city, I would suggest you consider doing the same thing - sell your current home and buying a duplex, but instead of renting the second half of the duplex, move your dad in there so he has his own space and you have your own space. This way you will not be adding onto your house and running the risk of making it too large for your neighborhood where you don't get your money back from the renovation - which has happened to hundreds of thousands of people who have added on.

I did not read through all the lengthy posts, so sorry if this opinion is a repeat. I wouldn't do it. If he is in resonable health, check into subsidized senior housing. He could move into a senior apartment in his own community and continue his normal routine. Don't move him in with you until absolutely necessary. Hang on to his and your own freedom as long as you can.

As I read these post (thank you all very much!) I go back and forth, part of me is OK and part of me is scared to death. Unfortunately there is no house to sell and we did renovations to the house we have so we cant (don't) want to move. As I read I get great insight to what you all have gone through so every post helps with ideas and what or not to do. I do relish losing my privacy, My wife is a teacher so I do the happy dance when I get the quiet house back in September (I love my wife but its nice having a quiet house to work in). My goal is for him to be busy and productive. I am looking for a job for him to get into so he can get out and be with people, he is a people person. My siblings will not visit, my sister has been to my home maybe 3 times in 18 years, my brother once to bring my mother to visit. My dad did live with us for 3 months about 10 years ago while he was doing a job here. It was trying sometimes but the house was much smaller then and the kids were home. We did survive amazingly enough. He doesn't need much for a job, maybe an estimating or sales. I have friends who will keep him busy with odd carpentry jobs, he has already expressed that which is good. I just have to be careful not to become his assistant and run my own business. And yes this site is awesome! Just what I need, I wish I had it while my SIL was going through hospice. The down side is there is no going back now unless he decides to stay, he gave notice where he is at he can undo if need be but he cant afford it. I keep going back and forth and there is no option, I'm it. It seems we are the end of the line for family so to speak. I know my sister has her hands full with a SIL who is Bipolar so they are having issues to deal with so I guess I cant be too hard on her (ironically the same area my dad is in and my sister is 5 hours from there too. Oh the drama. Thank you all again for the insight. Every word helps.

tgen - please, please schedule a weekly "date nite" with your wife …yeah she will be tired from her day at school but it is important that you & her are on the same page on all things "DAD" and this provides a way to do that and then just be a couple. You & your wife need to be able to very frank with each other on all this and you need to keep her on your page 1 (or as they say in my biz "she is #1 on the call sheet").

Another something you may have not thought about……dad becomes an old rooster!!! You could well find that once he moves in with you & starts to get out and develop new friends or interests that every single gal or widow has your home on their radar. So what is OK and not OK under your house rules?

When my dad passed away two years ago my mom moved in with me. I was just about to get married and buy a house. She never drove, never paid the bills, never made phone calls for appointments, etc. I have 2 brothers and a sister all older then me living in the same area. My sisters retired and I work two jobs but everyone thought it was best for my mom to be with me which it is for her sake. Soon as your dad moves in with you he will be your responsibility. My siblings rarely take her, if we are lucky she gets a call once a week. We have always been a close family but people get wrapped up in their own lives and forget that I'm giving up so much to take care of our mother. She looks to me for everything (company, entertainment, food, doctors, medicine, pedicures, etc., etc.) My only saving grace is she goes to the senior center twice a week does an exercise class, has lunch and plays bingo. On occasion she will go on a day trip. The guilt you feel when you just don't want to do this anymore is horrible. There is definite tension in the house with my husband and kids (13,16,21) my mom takes over the living room and always wants to be with me. I'm sorry but the reality of taking in a parents is you will be the entertainment and your siblings won't help you. Best of Luck!!!

Hi Tgingine - My dad and his wife decided they wanted t move from Pgh to ATL, where I reside after living in Pgh all his life. My mother died in 1994, and if she were still alive they would have moved years ago to either California with my sister or here. They will not move in with me, but I do share many of your issues. My dad has some financial challenges and a decent, safe apartment in ATL will costs him a good bit of his SS income. I know I will have to assist them from time to time, but, I've decided not to overwhelm myself. I work so, I'll be happy to spend time with them on the weekends, but I will make suggestions, if needed, as to how they can spend their time. Like your dad, my dad is in good health, very active, and was a percussionist for most of his life and would probably like to get a part time job playing drums for a local band at church or jazz club. At first I was getting myself overwhelmed about the move, but I've learned to let go and let circumstances work themselves out. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! What's going to happen is going to happen. Give him a little credit, he's already used to many life changes. You and your sibling s got older and moved out the house, his wife of 59 years died and he continues to make adjustments. I think he will survive and adjust. Your wife will let him know that she will not be waiting on him and perhaps it will give him new energy to do things differently. We all know spoiled kids who miraculously straighten up when they know they are in a situation where they will not be pampered. Your dad will figure that out quickly. I know my situations a little different because my dad remarried and will be living apart from me -- but, they are almost teenagers in the way they ask for money and obligate themselves to things they can't afford. He's my dad and I love him, but I will not overwhelm myself with any demands. I will certainly make time for them, but not compromise my job and other obligations. I will give them money here and there, but not at the risk of putting myself in debt. I'll make it that easy, hope you will too.

I think uprooting him will not benefit him in the long run. He seems very connected in his environment. I couldn't find any pressing reason he is considering moving with your family. I would arrange a visiting angel. He has contacts, family, and employment where he is. Plus, don't underestimate the tangibles of all his own stuff.

My mom lives with my family. 76 and reasonably good health. She did not have all the healthy contacts and lifestyle your father still possesses. This is a Pandora's box. Once he is moved with you, he will not be able to return. And getting your siblings to commit and execute any financial assistance is next to impossible. If you move dad with you, expect it will be your financial burden.

There are too many unspokens here. If he has made poor financial choices, that will not change when he moves with you. And Medicare benefits differ from state to state. You will have to notify the new state of his change in residence. Medicare transfers; programs related to Medicare differ from state to state. It took about 3 months to complete the process with my mother. And the personal space/family interaction expectations was discussed at length for 6 months prior to moving with us.

I think your are painting a much too rosy picture. This is a total look before you leap situation. Ask yourself why the onsite siblings aren't willing to take on this oversight. This just feels wrong. Best of luck to you.

I appreciate everyone's responses. One thing to consider here is A. I have no choice. B. I have no choice. My father does not wish to live alone, he does not eat properly, he is a great cook but chooses to eat out every night, his health will decline rapidly without supervision, Yes he is a grown man but if allowed this process it will be more of a burden on me. My brother will not help and my father has a difficult relationship with him, my sister, well that wont happen either. So while it is said to not allow him to move in I really have no choice. He has no money and the area he lives in is expensive. He works 5 days a week and has major stress to run the business just to survive and in the process is making some mistakes that in the long run will be terrible if left go. At 78 he should not be working and worrying this much. So when I say I have no choice I really don't. I cant manage him from 7 hours away, I have been doing that for 6 months and the stress is huge on me now. I'm pretty good at logistics and finance but I see the end of the financial picture and it is day to day, the minute he stops working the money is gone. I can say all day to my siblings it their responsibility but I know the answer and I wont allow that to happen to my father the same way I wont let it happen to my kids. He raised me and its my job to take care of him, I think that is a fair option. I just am looking at ways to care for him while he is with me. He has told me he doesn't want to live alone, I get it, its lonely. If we were in the same town or area it wouldn't be a question but geographically this has to be. My SIL took my MIL in, my grandfather took his MIL in. This is what we do as payment for our station in life. I just have to find a way that works for all of us. I am not unhappy about it just concerned. Plus gives me more time with my dad. Out of the 3 of us I am the one who enjoys his company, my brother never hunted or did things with my dad nor my sister, he worked very hard 2 to 3 jobs at a time sometimes 7 days a week while we grew up to give us a good life. We didn't want for much, we were not rich but we did OK.

Your mention of your Dad's financial troubles struck a chord with me. It may be that he is already dealing with early dementia. Sometimes the ability to manage one's finances and make good decisions about money are an early sign. That was the case with my Dad. Long before the more obvious symptoms appeared, he'd made lots of bad decisions regarding his business and run through all of his assets. By the time I took over, it was a mess.
I'd advise taking him to look at senior living options in the area where he currently lives. There, he'll have the companionship of others in a town that's familiar. If you move him in with you, you may become his expected source of companionship. I work from home, too, and I can't imagine my Dad underfoot while I'm trying to work.
And, given that he was used to your Mom taking care of his every need, he may have that expectation of your wife (even though he might not mean to, it's a role that's natural to him). That won't be good for your marriage.

I wouldn't let him move in with you! He doesn't have dementia or alz, so I think even assisted living would be good. MY mom is 90 and live s by herself and I live 12 minutes away. Take care of yourself first.

tgengine - don't do it. You found it hard having your father living with you for three months ten years ago. What on earth makes you think it would be okay now, on a permanent basis?

Ok, I appreciate you feel you have to do something: your father's recently bereaved, he's not managing on his own (I'm sorry for your loss of your mother), his current locale is too expensive for him to stay in, he shouldn't be having to hold down a full-time job at 78. Nothing controversial there, I'm sure you're right.

But that still doesn't mean that moving him to live with you and your wife is the only, let alone the best, answer. Keep thinking it through. And my first question would be: what does your dad want to do?

There must be more options, and one of them will certainly be better than what you're proposing. Slow down, take your time over sorting this out.

So much wisdom here, nothing to add!