Dad's going to do whatever he wants to do despite what anyone tells him. Any advice?

I now agree that waiting until something happens is the way to go. That is so hard too. BUT my 94 yr old FIL is just coming off of his very serious fall, landing himself in a nursing home (NH) for 40 days. One week back in the home and seems a bit more agreeable. Yet his home visiting nurse almost walked out because he was not agreeable to signing a consent form. She said do it or I will leave. She put her coat on and he backed down. Signed the form. That was the only resistance we have been told about. He said this last stretch was very hard and he does not want anything like that to happen again. Tough love hopefully will help the stubborness -- if they remember. Eventually they have to be in a professional system as 24 hour care is too much for one person. Hugs and prayers for you!

Yep my mum is the same battling to keep her independance even if its dangerous. Ive had to let her be and tryand swtich off something bad IS going to happen for her to wake up and realise she needs help. her bedroom is a mess she wont let me in there to clean out , she wont let carers in there i managed to get her in a good mood and she cleaned half? the room. she takes all her money out of her bank and has no understanding of direct debits ive had to take money from her purse to get food. the stress is unbearable ive spoken to her doc and got "well if she wants to behave like that what can you do?" i have to let her be until she falls or worse. she had a diabetic seizure last year and was putty in my hands after and grateful that i was here. Now the demnetia has escalated and she just argues over everything i have had to let her be as the stress caused me to have a ministroke. Its VERY hard to swtich off as we do it out of fear that something will happen ive learnt now that i cant be responsible for her actions illness or not she will learn like alot of dmentia patients that a serious fall is imminent or worse. im drained and god forgive me but i hope something happens so she can get the help she needs as i cant do this anymore its a constant battle and huge rows with extremely aggressive behaviour i let her do what she wants now as theres only so much you can do they cannot see "reason" and ive tried the softly softly approach and tried to explain to her "its because we care". Nothing you say can make a difference they are very sadly lsoing thier independance and they will fight damn hard to be able to keep doing the things they want to do. I can understand it and it must be awful for them but dont let it get to you or you will get ill. I tell myself everyday I love her i care for her i do all that is possible to keep her safe if something happens it happens i cant live in constant anxiety and fear i am much more relaxed now as ive taken a "back seat" as long as shes happy and eats well has taken her meds washes even once a week what can i do.
Hugs this is the hardest thing about "dementia" how unbelievably stubborn they become but my mum was always stubborn and a manipulator shes just got worse with this illness all i hear from professionals is "this is going to get worse".
God help me my mum is early stages and i cant cope how much worse can this get?
My advice let him be until something happens then he will have get help. I have to breath into a bag when mum gets to me, trust me it works!

What exactly is he doing that you don't agree with?

Both diseases will make him feel paranoid and fearful that he's not in control of his own life anymore.

Is he taking anything for his anxiety?

I guess you need to do what's best for him if he likes it or not!

You haven't provided any specifics so if my response is inappropriate, I'm sorry. We frequently forget that those we love who have dementia, can't reason the way we would. It is our burden to lean new ways to communicate. The alzheimers site has some interesting ideas (caregiver center - communications) as do many of the threads on these boards. Try to 'redirect' your Dad's behavior rather than to tell him no. If you can provide some situations after you check these other locations let us know how we can help.

I am with you, my dad is the same way. I just wait till he has no choice but to listen to me. I have yet to steer him wrong but he still doesn't trust me. Sometimes he thinks it is his idea, so I just go along. I'm battling oral hygiene with him right now. Money is the thing he understands best, so when I or the dentist present his issue it has to be in dollars. His pride it what is keeping him from doing the necessary thing. So I guess what I'm saying is find that nich that your dad understands and work with it. It's the old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

I would double check our father's condition. Is he really suffering from dementia? I find that term is whipped out too frequently by "health providers". The Parkinson's is easier to correctly diagnose. Even if he has some level of dementia can someone determine how much care he needs to be safe?

I think trying to make him as "independent" as possible would be a smart move. Think of things he can do, even when someone is really handicapped they can help out by folding towels etc. Everyone wants to be able to do something for themselves or for the family.

At 74 he should still have friends, ex-coworkers, siblings around. I would try to get visitors to come to see him. If he is mobile, perhaps they could take him to a diner for breakfast. It depends on his level of functioning.

If he enjoys reading, read to him or have books on tape on subjects he is interested in.

A daily routine can really help. My father lived almost 20 yrs older than your dad is now and he still enjoyed reading newspapers etc.
If too much of his old life disappears, the elderly tend to be scared and can start acting out. He isn't upset with your comments but what they represent. His life is changing, getting smaller each year, he wants his old life where he was fully independent. If he is capable of adjusting to a smaller but still meaningful life he will rebound a bit. My father always knew whatever he would face we would fact it together and that reassurance put him at peace. We did not argue about not driving, or not using his walker or anything he eventually had to contend with as he aged. We were a team. I told him I would work with him to "keep his pieces together"--he laughed at it saying his old body was giving us a "work out".
He exercised into his 90's to not improve his walking but to keep the ability to walk as long as he could using his walker. He was a fit man all his life so of course there was sadness in losing his physical abilities but he accepted that it was part of old age and kept readjusting as best he could to have the life he wanted.

I did not however tell him what to do. I would pose the problem to him and together we would solve it in a way that he felt comfortable with. It is amazing how good he was at figuring out the "best or easiest way" to do something. He really did know his strengths and limitations as he aged. His plans were what he could do not what he wished he was able to do.

Good luck.

I took Crestor for three days because I read where it could be a prophylactic for dementia. My muscles ached so badly I stopped. No more muscle aches. That's what this class of drugs does to the muscles. I lowered both our cholesterol by switching to less red meat, more veggies and black rice. Try that!

If something is a 4 step task that you are certain he can not or should not do, try to stretch it out. Work-arounds sometimes help. Example: I ruined the ceramic stovetop because I was in the restroom longer than I expected. The water boiled away, but he did not pick up on this. Very scary. I came out -smoke and popping. Cooled that off, but had to mention this as it costs money to replace/install. He was up the next night & decided to see if he might be able to do the job. By a.m. he forgot he turned off the main breaker - but still wanted to do the job. In the meantime I contacted a tech via e-mail, telling the tech I can only communicate by e-mail. Keeps it quiet & doesn't remind him he wants to do the job. All scheduling is done on-line. I contact the manufacturer to get the replacement part - while he is sleeping. The part is Fed--Exed and I grab it before my husband knows it's here. I place it in the back bedroom. Out of sight, out of mind. Several days later he mentions the desire to fix the stove. At this point, were 2 days in front of the scheduled fix date. I tell him we are not working with electrical that we need a qualified tech. I also explain that I am taking out of my life savings to pay for this, so he does not have to worry. We're one day in front, and getting ready for his doctor appointment. He thinks it's today. I remind him it's tomorrow. Try to string the process along if you can. It gives him something to think about, but less time for him to act on his impulses. Less time to act means a little less stressful moments. Cherish any moments of decreased stress you can create for both of you. Not easy, but try taking baby steps. Still a challenge, but a little more manageable.

I'm going through this now, but my dad doesn't have dementia, at least not so far. He's 93, living alone and still driving. I "suggested" that he surrender his license and almost got my head taken off! His doctor approves of his driving and MV Dept says there's nothing that can be done unless something happens, like an accident or he gets a ticket. He won't listen to me about helping him, so I've taken the attitude that whatever happens will happen. I used to worry constantly about him and what did it get me? Sick, while he goes on with his life like there's nothing wrong. He doesn't shower, but washes himself every day. He wears the same clothes over and over before he takes them to the dry cleaner. He has an odor about him. I've mentioned it to him in a nice way and was told he's fine, he washes daily. So........I've made up my mind that until someone else tells him or something happens to him, I'm just here if he decides he needs me. You can pick and choose the battles with them, but for some reason they win, So be it.

Please note I have been a Care for the past 5 years. I know and understand what Care Givers go through and experience taking care of a loved one

To make a long story short, and not to repeat what has already been previously said, I highly suggest that you ask your father's PCP to write him a prescription for either Trazadone, Remeron or Celexa. From my understanding, the lowest dosage of these meds are 50MG. I presently have my mother take 1/2Tab (25MG) of Trazadone and it has made a world of difference with her behavior and attitude.
I would say after your father takes the med for about one month, you could increase it to 50MG. Trazadone should only be increased by 25MG at a time.
For those of you who are taking care of a loved one who is taking any med with the word (Statin) in it, please see that their PCP agrees to have them stop taking it. From what I have learned, any med with Statin in the name is very deadly. If those of you who are taking care of a loved one who is taking Amlodipine, please see that their PCP agrees to have them stop taking it. Amlodipine causes tremendous swelling throughout a person's body.

What a lot of seniors don't realize is that they could possibly have UTI. Men can have this infection too. Your father's PCP needs to request your father to give him a urine sample to be tested. I highly suggest ordering a powder called
"D Mannose" which is a natural antibiotic. My mother has been taking
"D Mannose" for one week and it has been a miracle to see how much better her behavior and attitude have changed. Please note "D Mannose" is not a med prescribed by a PCP and it can be taken every day for the rest of a person's life.

What we Care Givers have to remember is that no one likes to give up their "independence". Try to put yourself in their shoes. Some elders can adjust to this change in life and others can't. What I have had to learn as a person who takes care of my mother, she is no longer the mother I once knew. She has reverted back into being a little girl. As a child some good things happened to her and some bad things happened to her. I have had time to view her behavior and it leads me to believe that she was badly abused as a child. These are stories I will never be told. When she has done something wrong, she always says that she didn't do it. This indicates to me that throughout her childhood she had to always protect herself. What we also have to remember is that our parent(s) grew up in a time of great depression. As long as they are not hurting themselves or anyone else, it is important to just go along with them in what they say and do. Please be aware of things that deal with their safety. We have spent a great deal of our life seeing our loved one taking care of themselves. We tend to over look the sample things in life that could actually hurt them. If you tell them how proud you are of them for doing what they need to do to take care of themselves, you will see a big change in the elder you are helping to take care of.

In respect to an elder's banking and money, they most likely spent a great deal of their life saving this money. Please keep in mind that most elders lived through a horrible depression and money was hard to come by. I am the POA and MPOA for my elderly mother. She had her "Living Trust" set up so that I only have access to her checking account. I only have access to her CDs after she passes. The way I look at this situation is that the money wasn't mine to begin with. If it takes all the money she owns to take care of herself, God bless her for saving her money. I wish Medicare and our Government saw things this same way but they don't. In most cases Medicare will only help an elderly person if they only own $2K to their name. If your father is having problems in your having access to his money, I would highly suggest that you talk to him and have him agree to set up a checking account with both your names on it. Tell him that this will help you to pay for his medical expenses when he personally can't do it. Tell him this is a safe way for him to know that the money will be there for him. The time will come when banking makes no sense to him.Tell your loved one that you would like to help eliminate this stress from their mind. Have the monthly banking statements, CD statements, Social Security letters, and yearly tax information sent to your address. You can do a monthly spreadsheet showing the elderly person exactly what he/she has in their account(s). This makes an elderly person feel much better knowing and seeing the money they have.

Please note that I don't know everything. What I do know from being a Care Giver, I am very happy to share it. It is very hard to see an elderly person growing older and suffering from Dementia and Alzheimer. The best we can do is help them, take care of them through the last of their years, and love them. My prayers are with you and your family.